[Crazygrl882]

My dad died 3 months ago. It was sudden. He was receiving chemo and got an intestinal infection and died of sepsis. I was there in the room when we said stop the medications because he wasn’t going to survive the day and I watched him pass. He was sedated when I got to the hospital (I live out of state) and never woke up so I couldn’t talk to him. This man severely abused me as a child. He emotionally and physically abused me and also exposed himself to me and touched me slightly only a couple times to tickle me inappropriately so I suppose that is a form of sexual abuse. He used to pick me up and throw me. Then he’d demand that I forgive him. Anyway other things happened I don’t need to name them all. I had to go there with my sister every weekend and we lived with my mom during the week and never told her what was happening. My stepmother and sister witnessed the physical abuse. My stepmother did nothing. My sister is 2 years younger. He never touched her but she saw him do it to me. Anyway I kept a relationship with him but I battled with whether I should because i always thought what happens when he dies will i regret not having a relationship? I moved away and would come home twice a year and see him like one time. Then I moved back for two years and saw him more frequently. I was married for a bit before that and he wrote me a letter that I was a disappointment and wouldn’t talk to me for a year until I called him and he made me apologize. We had a slightly strained relationship then we had a talk and got a better relationship. We never talked about the abuse. I fantasized about telling him about it and asking for an apology of some sort but never did. Now that he’s gone I am happy I had the relationship with him even if it wasn’t the best and closest. But I struggle because of what he did. I want a tattoo of his initials and dates but then I think so you want the initials of a man who terrorized you as a child on you? But he changed the last few years after we got back on track after the letter disowning me. I got divorced and he was happy. He said congratulations. I was a wreck and was looking for emotional support at the time. But the last visit home, 3 months before he passed, for some reason I had a desire to spend more time with him and had a really good time with him and my stepmother. I saw him 4 times during my visit. Now my stepmother is all alone. My sister lives there and sees her but she lives alone. I text and call but I also wonder about her. She watched me being abused as a child and did nothing. I guess there is just a lot of forgiveness on my part. I feel like I’ve done that. I’m just confused now about my feelings because everyone says oh your father looks like such a nice man when they see the pics of him I have around the house or carry with me on the memorial card but I don’t 100% feel like he was a good man and then I feel terrible to think that because hes passed away. I told my boyfriend before that I was abused as a child and later after my dad died he asked me who did it and I said I didn’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to tell anyone. I want him to be remembered as a good person. But am I wrong to be slightly confused about my feelings? I’m just glad i kept the relationship and apologized after the letter instead of stopping talking to him forever because i Don’t think I could live with myself if I had cut off myself from him and then he passed away. I don’t regret my actions in that.

[TunedOut]

I am sorry about the abuse. You forgave him and stayed in touch because that is probably your nature/temperament. Never feel bad about being yourself; however, you can have feelings for your dad because he's you dad but still hate what he did. When he abused you, it was evil and horrible. Many, many people have both a good and bad side. I am sorry you experienced his darkest side. You might not want to bring it up immediately (after your dad's death) but maybe you could ask your stepmother why she didn't protect you. Also, it's OK if you don't want a relationship with her because of this. It is so good that you don't hate and have forgiven because that is good for you from my POV but you also don't have to feel any obligation to people who have treated you wrong. Especially if they don't acknowledge what they did. It might be good for you to talk about what happened with a therapist eventually. I think a good strategy is to talk about things like this then once we have processed it to not feel like we have to keep talking about it. Until you have come to terms with this, you might be in a state of confusion that effects your mental health. Hugs.

[Travelinglady]

I think I grieve my dead mother, who was an emotional abuser, because I on some level still wish she could have been a better mother to me.

And maybe there were a few good memories associated with your dad?

I'm really sorry to hear you are going through this. I would be confused and frustrated too if I were in your situation. I think anyone would be.

It may be good to sort out your feelings in psychotherapy.