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Old 03-15-2019, 04:42 AM #1
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Default Does anyone miss their abuser?

I recently cut ties with an abusive person and was wondering if anyone else actually missed them in any way? And what does this say about me or anyone else who does?
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Old 03-15-2019, 03:38 PM #2
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Default Re: Does anyone miss their abuser?

Hi Romantic Rose. Sorry you are struggling with this. I think it's probably quite common. I don't think it says something about you other than you are experiencing trauma. That's complex and can affect our minds in various ways. Have you ever read about Stockholm Syndrome? It may be of interest to you.

You said you cut ties recently. I'd recommend being kind and patient with yourself. Your feelings or attachment to the person you mentioned will likely shift over time with healing and self-appreciation.

There are no wrong feelings. And all feelings are temporary.

I wish you peace.
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Old 03-15-2019, 04:28 PM #3
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Default Re: Does anyone miss their abuser?

The abuser has just contacted me and asked me if I still wanted a job. I completely cut ties with him and I feel like it would be a bad idea to have him back in my life, even though I need the money.

I think it is a bit like Stockholm Syndrome, tbh. He was always putting me down, I wonder if a part of me thinks I deserve it.

Thanks for the advice. xx
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Old 03-18-2019, 11:53 PM #4
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Default Re: Does anyone miss their abuser?

You need the money; your abuser needs someone to control and belittle and abuse—for the abuser it feels good to win and to dominate all the time.

Is that the kind of deal you want to make?

I miss my abuser sometimes—very much! She’s good at reminding me of all the wonderful romantic times we had at the beginning of the relationship and how we planned for such a golden life together. As an antidote I remember how she would spit in my face and slap me and punch me and spend days making the most awful threats and saying the most despicable things imaginable about me, and anyone and everyone and everything I’ve ever cared about.

But I’m free now and I won’t go back to living a life I wanted to end.

I don’t know you or your situation, but I would suggest only this: stay free.
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Old 03-28-2019, 10:24 PM #5
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Default Re: Does anyone miss their abuser?

I have missed one of my abusers.

I’m sending safe hugs
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Old 03-29-2019, 12:57 PM #6
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Default Re: Does anyone miss their abuser?

I miss some good moments (like going for a hike) but when I look at the overall picture, I am relived she is no longer in my daily life.
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Old 03-30-2019, 09:21 PM #7
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Default Re: Does anyone miss their abuser?

Quote:
Originally Posted by romantic rose View Post
I recently cut ties with an abusive person and was wondering if anyone else actually missed them in any way? And what does this say about me or anyone else who does?

Hey romantic rose, yes I do feel that way sometimes. It was a difficult decision to break ties with them even though I knew it was for my best. Somehow, we tend to reminisce on the good parts of the relationship(how much ever tiny those moments were). But you just have to remind yourself that its a totally normal thing to happen, and KNOW that you would never want to be back in that situation again.

Hope this helps!
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Old 03-31-2019, 02:29 PM #8
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Default Re: Does anyone miss their abuser?

Quote:
Originally Posted by romantic rose View Post
I recently cut ties with an abusive person and was wondering if anyone else actually missed them in any way? And what does this say about me or anyone else who does?
I cut ties with him years ago. Every so often I wish that I DID'NT miss him sometimes. There's really not much to miss anyhow. Wasn't there.
This person I'm missing is my father. He abused me physically , and mentally.
He abused my mom and siblings. It still hurts and ****** up my life.
And I'm not using him as an excuse.
I think it's just humanistic that you may miss this person for whatever reason. The main thing is that you don't go back !
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Old 03-31-2019, 02:33 PM #9
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Default Re: Does anyone miss their abuser?

Quote:
Originally Posted by continuosly blue View Post
I think it's just humanistic that you may miss this person for whatever reason. The main thing is that you don't go back !
Yes, never go back. Thank you for the reminder!
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Old 04-06-2019, 12:07 AM #10
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Default Re: Does anyone miss their abuser?

Absolutely. This is quite common for trauma survivors. Part of it can be remnants of a lasting trauma bond that we never had closure for.

Someone on a distress line once told me that it makes sense that we would miss someone even if they were abusive - because most relationships are not always 100% abusive. (Naturally it is different for someone who we never formed a bond with). I miss some of my abusers because for a time - they offered something special that no one else did. Might be something very small - but it was something important to me and that is partly why some of us stay in abusive relationships. Sometimes we can feel mixed about someone who abused us and feel ashamed or disgusted with it; but it makes sense and we have to remember we are entitled to those feelings no matter how strange it may seem.

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