Do you have direct experience with Narcissism?

She is a bit more distant than a first cousin, but she has only friend-poached in real life rather than on social media, as I am not on any other social media except PC. But if I did have a FB account, I can totally see her stealing my friends on there. I'm sorry to hear about what your cousin did. That's really messed up. It makes you cautious about what information you share to whom. He must have appeared supportive but came with ulterior motives.

Your cousin sounds like the woman narcissist I knew 20 years ago who also friend-poached. That's very strange that she feels the need to friend-poach from you. Do your friends not realize what she's doing? How do they treat you once she poaches them? Sorry to hear that happens to you with her. Do her siblings or your siblings or other relatives realize she is like that? How do they handle her?

Yes, my cousin had ulterior motives; he's always been manipulative and conniving like that in school as a kid (I went to school with my cousins). My siblings of course, took his side, called me oversensitive and dramatic meanwhile he got what he wanted -- all the attention on him at my father's wake. It was a disgusting display. I will always regret trusting him with my plans to read my father's favorite poem at his wake. My cousin ruined my father's wake for me. I haven't spoken to him in a long time and have no plans to.

She knows not to mess with my other family members who are tough enough to set boundaries. I was an easy target, and no longer wish to be.

Sorry that you were an easy target for her. How do your siblings set tough boundaries with their own sibling/cousin?

Have you ever told your distant cousin that you want nothing to do with her? I suppose that wouldn't even have an effect if you did, except give her reason to do something mean?

My sisters know how to say “No, I’m sorry” or when she starts drama, they say, “You know what, I really have to get going” and walk away. They did that early, so she doesn’t have an expectation of them.

I, on the other hand, didn’t have the backbone to say “no” for many years. So she thinks that there is still a glimpse of hope to hoover me back in.

I’ve heard that narcissist can “detect the scent” of a vulnerable prey.

Maybe there should be a new thread about how to avoid becoming a prey. Because if I don't change myself (and I am in therapy), even if she were to miraculously go away, I would just be targeted by someone else.

Elinor Greenberg - Quora

This is a link to a psychologist on Quora who writes a lot about narcissism. She is an expert on the disorder, so to speak, and you might find some of her answers to other user’s questions helpful.

That's good that your sisters learned to set boundaries with your distant cousin early on. I am still struggling to do that with people. So, I empathize with you about what you're going through.

Thanks for the link. I will check out her research.

I do have direct experience with Narcissists.

What is your experience, mountainstream? Are you comfortable sharing it here?

I do Blanche.. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I’ve also heard that they can “detect the scent” of someone they think may be a vulnerable prey. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.....

I no longer wish to be their ***** to hurt

Are you comfortable sharing your experience here, Fuzzybear?

I think - from what I've been reading - that Narcissists can definitely detect if a person is empathetic and sensitive, aka a codependent person with weak boundaries (which I definitely have).

Sorry that you have a Narcissist in your life too.

Does anyone know if narcissists think or know they have narcissim or that their behavior is toxic? Sometimes people with severe mental illness that maybe...act out violently still know that their behaviors are not right. Do you think narcissists know this? Or is the nature of narcissim prevent them from knowing anything is amiss?

I have had a narcissistic brother in my life who abused me sexually as a child and mentally as an adult and he has my whole family under his spell including my dad. I was not aware of the damage that he was doing mentally until I started dealing with the childhood abuse I had suppressed and he was so good at twisting my mind to make sure his life was as he wanted it, he belittled me and made me feel scared until 2 years ago. Narcissistic people are very good at making themselves look perfect at anybody’s expense. Once they have a hold of you it’s extremely hard to break away from them. It’s a scary situation.

Great question Sarah! One thing I noticed about people who are not aware of what they are doing is that they do it in front of everyone.

However, with my experience with narcissistic abusers, or toxic people, they are able to put on a perfect face in front of everyone else, and then take off their masks when they isolate their targets.

If they really don't know what they are doing, they would not know how to switch faces according to people and situations. That is my sincere belief.

I completely agree with ennie’s post. They are able to put on a perfect face to the “world” but when they isolate their victim they are brutally cruel. They know exactly what they are doing.

My mother and brother were narcs. It did me a lot of damage until I cut all ties with brother.

Parental units are Narcissists and 5 or more other relatives

According to this Psychology Today article: yes, they are aware of their narcissist traits.

From the article:

This may explain why narcissists behave in arrogant ways. Instead of compensating for some deep-seated insecurity, bragging may be their way of demanding the recognition they truly believe they deserve. Narcissists score at the top of the scale on measures of entitlement. As the researchers note, this idea is consistent with self-verification theory:

"Narcissists believe that they are exceptional people and may behave in arrogant ways because they are attempting to bridge the gap between their self-perceptions and their meta-perceptions."

The researchers also suggest it's possible that narcissists maintain their self-image by misconstruing the meaning of narcissism. When told they are arrogant, instead of thinking they are "someone who is confident without merit," they may take it as a compliment, thinking to themselves: Sure I'm arrogant, if by that you mean "deservedly confident." As the researchers note, "Narcissists seem to choose honest arrogance when describing themselves and their reputation.

The results of this study as well as prior studies suggest that narcissists do care more about being perceived as superior on agentic traits (industriousness, assertiveness, dominance) than on communal traits (agreeableness and honesty). Narcissists don't seem to care whether they are perceived as good people; they'd rather be admired than liked. So perhaps the narcissists in this study construed supposedly negative aspects of narcissism (e.g., arrogance) as desirable.

Of course, it's also possible that narcissists are fully aware of the meaning of narcissism and the negative impact they have on others, but just don't care as long as it doesn't get in the way of their goals."

So, so, sorry Strongforgood that you were molested by your Narcissist brother. I agree with you that Narcissists shine a bright light to the public, so much so, that everyone is charmed by the false facade they put on. It's disgusting and horrifying at the same time, because as their victims, we know who they are behind the mask. Yet, no one believes us so we are victim-shamed which is so unbelievable. It is a scary situation. I hope you are able to stay away from your family and your brother.

My cousin groomed me when we were teenagers while on a month-long family vacation at the ocean. He would flirt with me, touch me, and then tried to have sex with me and of course all my cousins found out about it. Then years later, our cousin's wedding, he accused her of being a lesbian when he asked her to dance at her wedding reception.

Well, her new husband punched my cousin in the face and gut a few times, and had to be pried off of him. I haven't spoken to or seen my cousin and his wife and kids ever. He's tried to send me holiday cards through the mail, and even tried to email me, but I have rejected all of his attempts to communicate, because he is a slime ball.

Narcissists always wear a mask and they are well aware of the masks they wear. Otherwise, they wouldn't hide behind the facades that they do. My sister and brother wear masks and whenever I confront them about their masks, of course they lash out at me, and try to victim blame me, and deflect their guilt on to me as though it's somehow MY fault they turned out to be real ********es. It's not, course. They chose their path. But my family system is toxic, starting with my parents; my two siblings coped by developing Narc traits, and I coped by developing Codependent traits.

Narcs wear masks. There are ways to spot these masks too. I did an internet search and came across this article about how to spot them.

Calla, I cut ties with my brother who is a physically abusive Narc. He threw me down a flight of stairs in our family home, and also left me stranded by the side of the road for a long time, while driving with him, his wife, and their son to our uncle's funeral. He is so toxic to my wellbeing that I will never allow him or his wife or children back into my life. I only tolerate my sister b/c I love her children and want to maintain a relationship with them.

Sorry to hear that Fuzzybear.

Yes, the speed at which they can change faces has to come with practice, as it is not something that comes naturally.

The experience I am familiar with is that there is almost always a mask, it just depends on who is around. Even in private there was a mask, just not as obvious, and it slowly started to slip as time went on.

After I was sufficiently 'hooked', the nasty underbelly started to emerge and then there were the meager bones of attention, "kindness", occasional affection to bring me back into the fold. As more and more time went on the bones were fewer and farther between. This one's way of pulling me back in was the bedroom until that was almost all that was left.

When the mask slipped off entirely, any emotion on my part was met with stone-cold nothingness.