[GypsyOfTheEast]

Recently I was talking to a therapist and he told me that there is a cycle in abusive relationships which I see in my current relationship but he said it never gets better. I've been physically and emotionally abused for about five months of our eight month relationship and I'm so attached and know her history with trauma so it's hard not to understand why she acts the way she does but since I got out of the psych hospital a month ago (I was in there for a week) I decided I won't put up with it anymore and told her that things need to change or I'm leaving. She says she wants things between us to get better and that she doesn't like doing what she does to me and doesn't mean to and we're both trying to better our lives but it's such a slow process and the abuse keeps happening. I know her trauma of being abused by her mother and being cheated on in past relationships and her brain injury are a big source of this behavior but is it ever going to stop? She wants me at home constantly and doesn't want me to have friends or have fun without her but I've been the singer for a band for three years now and that's always meant a lot to me. Any time I go see my bandmates or go play a show without her she flips out on me and accuses me of cheating and won't accept any proof I give her otherwise but I would never cheat on anyone. I never have and I definitely don't plan to ever change that and the people who are close to me know that I hold myself to those types of standards. It upsets me that she accuses me of cheating but she threatens to cheat on me if I don't come see her when she wants me to and she's told me before while we're fighting that she's cheated on me multiple times but then I tell her I'm done since we agreed it's a monogamous relationship but then she tells me I'm an idiot and that she didn't cheat on me. So I don't know what to believe. She cheated on her last boyfriend but she says I'm the first boyfriend she's ever hit and lately it's been happening almost every day. And not like a punch in the shoulder like I mean a bloody lip, a chipped tooth, or a throat that hurts so bad it hurts to breath. But lately when she starts up like that I've been trying to remove myself and I tell her if she keeps it up I'm leaving then she barely calms down enough to let the situation calm down. Idk. It's still pretty bad and the physical violence she throws at me seems to get worse with each fight to where now I'm not sure what's going to happen to me if it continues. I'm worried. I've been seriously thinking about leaving her for the last few days but I love her so much I feel like I can't. I'm scared she would try to hurt herself if I do leave because she's done that before when I'm just at my house not coming to see her so I can't imagine how she'd get if I try to leave. And I care about her so much. We've been through so much together and I know she really is a sweet person that does care about people and the world and stuff it's just hard like she can't really control the intense emotions we have for each other and I'm kind of attracted to danger in a way so that has me kinda stuck but I think it's the emotional part that really kills it for me. It's the constant name calling and belittling that I can't stand not to mention the emotional pain of having someone close to you that you care about think it's okay to just hit you when they're mad at you. I don't know just venting and I'm open to any thoughts or suggestions or answers to my question. Will it ever get better?

[nicoleflynn]

It cannot get better unless she seeks help for her issues. You cannot do anything to make it better. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life after a marriage of 31 years of abuse....It didn't get better. I left. Your girlfriend is angry and fearful and taking it out on you. She is using emotional blackmail to keep you. Verbal abuse can damage your immune system. She needs professional help; unfortunately most abusers don't get it; they don't think they have a problem

Her anger and rage may escalate and she could put you in the hospital, or even kill you; I know that sounds extreme, but she is illogical, and people die every day from domestic violence.

The cycle your therapist mentioned is called the "wheel of violence." You can google it.

Remember this; abuse is a CHOICE, just like all behavior. I doubt she abuses other people? She does it in private because she knows she can get away with it.

[GypsyOfTheEast]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

It cannot get better unless she seeks help for her issues. You cannot do anything to make it better. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life after a marriage of 31 years of abuse....It didn't get better. I left. Your girlfriend is angry and fearful and taking it out on you. She is using emotional blackmail to keep you. Verbal abuse can damage your immune system. She needs professional help; unfortunately most abusers don't get it; they don't think they have a problem

Her anger and rage may escalate and she could put you in the hospital, or even kill you; I know that sounds extreme, but she is illogical, and people die every day from domestic violence.

The cycle your therapist mentioned is called the "wheel of violence." You can google it.

Remember this; abuse is a CHOICE, just like all behavior. I doubt she abuses other people? She does it in private because she knows she can get away with it.

You're right about her not doing any of this to anybody else she knows. She does ask me about therapy all the time though and I try to help her get help but it's difficult with her financial situation because I'm super poor so I get the help for free but right now she can't get it for free. I feel what you were saying though and it makes me sad because while I don't want to believe it I can definitely see all those things happening in the future. Thank you, it was eye opening.

Originally Posted by GypsyOfTheEast

She wants me at home constantly and doesn't want me to have friends or have fun without her but I've been the singer for a band for three years now and that's always meant a lot to me. Any time I go see my bandmates or go play a show without her she flips out on me and accuses me of cheating and won't accept any proof I give her otherwise but I would never cheat on anyone.

I think the first step is to get you to a place of safety and peace, apart/ far away from her.

At this point, it doesn't look like she is even heading in the direction towards improvement. Is she in therapy?

It seems that she is confusing love with control. She may say with words that she loves you but her abusive actions do not indicate that she does. It looks like you came here for a second opinion, and I'm afraid your therapist is right.

I'm really sorry to hear you are going through this. I hope you can see that you deserve much better.

[Fuzzybear]

[sarahsweets]

What she is doing is not ok, is never ok. There is no getting better with abuse. It only gets worse.

Originally Posted by GypsyOfTheEast

Recently I was talking to a therapist and he told me that there is a cycle in abusive relationships which I see in my current relationship but he said it never gets better.

I've been physically and emotionally abused for about five months of our eight month relationship and I'm so attached and know her history with trauma so it's hard not to understand why she acts the way she does but since I got out of the psych hospital a month ago (I was in there for a week) I decided I won't put up with it anymore and told her that things need to change or I'm leaving.

She says she wants things between us to get better and that she doesn't like doing what she does to me and doesn't mean to and we're both trying to better our lives but it's such a slow process and the abuse keeps happening.

I know her trauma of being abused by her mother and being cheated on in past relationships and her brain injury are a big source of this behavior but is it ever going to stop?

She wants me at home constantly and doesn't want me to have friends or have fun without her but I've been the singer for a band for three years now and that's always meant a lot to me.

Any time I go see my bandmates or go play a show without her she flips out on me and accuses me of cheating and won't accept any proof I give her otherwise but I would never cheat on anyone. I never have and I definitely don't plan to ever change that and the people who are close to me know that I hold myself to those types of standards.

It upsets me that she accuses me of cheating but she threatens to cheat on me if I don't come see her when she wants me to and she's told me before while we're fighting that she's cheated on me multiple times but then I tell her I'm done since we agreed it's a monogamous relationship but then she tells me I'm an idiot and that she didn't cheat on me.

So I don't know what to believe. She cheated on her last boyfriend but she says I'm the first boyfriend she's ever hit and lately it's been happening almost every day. And not like a punch in the shoulder like I mean a bloody lip, a chipped tooth, or a throat that hurts so bad it hurts to breath.

But lately when she starts up like that I've been trying to remove myself and I tell her if she keeps it up I'm leaving then she barely calms down enough to let the situation calm down. Idk.

It's still pretty bad and the physical violence she throws at me seems to get worse with each fight to where now I'm not sure what's going to happen to me if it continues. I'm worried. I've been seriously thinking about leaving her for the last few days but I love her so much I feel like I can't.

I'm scared she would try to hurt herself if I do leave because she's done that before when I'm just at my house not coming to see her so I can't imagine how she'd get if I try to leave. And I care about her so much.

We've been through so much together and I know she really is a sweet person that does care about people and the world and stuff it's just hard like she can't really control the intense emotions we have for each other and I'm kind of attracted to danger in a way so that has me kinda stuck but I think it's the emotional part that really kills it for me.

It's the constant name calling and belittling that I can't stand not to mention the emotional pain of having someone close to you that you care about think it's okay to just hit you when they're mad at you.

I don't know just venting and I'm open to any thoughts or suggestions or answers to my question. Will it ever get better?

Hi Gypsy, I broke up your block of text, b/c it's impossible to read unless it's formatted in paragraphs.

It sounds like you are in a very toxic, dysfunctional relationship with your girlfriend. The only way to escape her abuse, is to breakup with her and not take her back.

I advised another PC member to remember that the only person you're responsible for taking care of, is yourself.

You are not a rehabilitation center for this woman; you are not obligated to parent her, change her, raise her, or fix her problems. That's her responsibility.

The only way to end this cycle of physical and emotional abuse from your girlfriend, is to end the relationship. What line does she need to cross, for you to do that?

She sounds very bad for your well-being. Five months of abuse is going to continue, and it will get worse.