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Old 03-20-2019, 12:40 PM   #1
Sangromancer
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Trig How do i keep going? (In desperate need of advice)

Around this time last year i met a guy and we quickly fell in love, or so i thought.
It was my first real relationship as i've suffered from a lot of mental helath problems and been unable to attend school or work for a few years...
I was 19 at the time and things were starting to look pretty good. I was doing major progress in therapy, i had a big group of friends online and a smaller one offline. And i ofc had him, my now ex boyfriend.
Basically everything was pretty good, i was even feeling somewhat ready to go back to school and i didn't constantly want to kill myself.

Then at some point he got really abusive. He didn't hit me or anything he just manipulated me and really got in my head and was just constantly controlling me and making me feel like ****. He also sexually abused me the first time we spent the night together. I didn't realize that until a while after the relationship ended. Even though during the entire experience i was dissociating and felt like ****.
But yeah he basically played on all my insecurities and disorders. He was my only source of validation and i was completely dependant on him. He also told me if i left him he would kill himself so even when it was at it's worst i couldn't leave.
Anyway, the abuse kept on and he was constantly making me feel insecure, not enough, ugly and just doing generally ****ed up thing u can't do in a relationship. Then gaslighting me when i took issue with it and threatened to leave me/told me he thought about cheating on me. Just a bunch of absolutely horrible ****. And at this point i didn't want him to leave because it would basically be the final thing proving that im not good enough, pretty enough, cis enough etc etc.

When girls commented on his very public instagram he would always give a flirty reply. I was used to this and put up with it cuz i was scared of his reaction when i objected. And it wasn't like one of my friends could say anything because he made me keep our relationship a secret (probably because im trans and he was ashamed.) But at some point he started talking to this one girl a lot. First it was in the comments of his insta, then it was DM, then it was snap and then they were gonna meet. It wasn't something he tried to hide obv cuz why would he need to anyway. I was stuck with him.
She was absolutely ****ing gorgeous, and he would constantly let me know.
Shortly after all that he broke up with me. And shortly after that, he was dating her.

After the break up i just completely broke down. Since then i've spent most of my time in hospitals due to very serious suicide attempts and i just don't know how to keep living.
I feel like the ugliest, most worthless, disgusting creature on this planet. And all the sick programming he did to my mind won't go away.
I was just a placeholder for someone better/more attractive. He never loved me. He just wanted to try me out because i was different. And he was willing to lie and abuse to do it.
I don't think i can live like this. I feel like he's the best i'll ever get even though he was pure ****ing evil. I feel like he won.
Not to mention all the progress i have made is gone. Completely. It's even worse than before. He even took most of the friends i had even though they knew what he did.
I'm completely alone with all these intrusive thoughts and painful memories.

WTF do i do?

Last edited by Anonymous59786; 03-20-2019 at 12:48 PM.. Reason: added trigger
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Old 03-20-2019, 01:18 PM   #2
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Default Re: How do i keep going? (In desperate need of advice)

Sangromancer, you don't realize it now but you are far better off without this creepy person. It's amazing to me how many of these jerks there are out there, hurting people, then just walking away.

Furthermore, no matter how "gorgeous" his current squeeze is, I seriously doubt that will last long either.

Much compassion and many hugs to you. Just keep breathing and take it a few minutes at a time. Distract yourself if you can. And I'm sure the professional community will come up with some alternatives to help you through this, as well.

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Old 03-20-2019, 03:07 PM   #3
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Default Re: How do i keep going? (In desperate need of advice)

When you detach yourself from a toxic partner, you go through a withdraw that includes feeling directionless, devalued, unmotivated, and worthless. These are all reflections though of how the toxic partner viewed and treated you as. So, you're only mirroring now, with your thoughts and feelings, what he thought of you and the way HE treated you. You certainly aren't any of those things. He programmed an abusive pattern into your mind and your life. Now, you have to get deprogrammed by a good therapist.

You're basically caught up in a mental fog right now, as you come down from being in that heightened state of constant abuse cycle that you endured while you were with him.

Don't let it take over your life or become how you view yourself. Try to put it into perspective so that you can move away from that toxic experience into a space where you heal emotionally and psychologically from everything he put you through. That is going to take time, too.

The intrusive thoughts and painful memories are you trying to process the breakup and as you separate from the source of toxicity that he was to you. Let him keep his toxic friends. Anyone who abandons you b/c of that relationship ending, was never a real friend to you to begin with. I saw it happen with my cousin's divorce from his narcissist wife.

He basically lost his friends, lost his job, and moved in with his parents for two years and did therapy and medication to recover from the chaos and abuse she brought into his life. Now, finally, he's happily married to a normal woman and they have a family together. You'll be able to get there, but first, you have to process and heal from what this horrible man did to you.
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Old 03-20-2019, 05:23 PM   #4
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Default Re: How do i keep going? (In desperate need of advice)

Quote:
Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche View Post
When you detach yourself from a toxic partner, you go through a withdraw that includes feeling directionless, devalued, unmotivated, and worthless. These are all reflections though of how the toxic partner viewed and treated you as. So, you're only mirroring now, with your thoughts and feelings, what he thought of you and the way HE treated you. You certainly aren't any of those things. He programmed an abusive pattern into your mind and your life. Now, you have to get deprogrammed by a good therapist.

You're basically caught up in a mental fog right now, as you come down from being in that heightened state of constant abuse cycle that you endured while you were with him.

Don't let it take over your life or become how you view yourself. Try to put it into perspective so that you can move away from that toxic experience into a space where you heal emotionally and psychologically from everything he put you through. That is going to take time, too.

The intrusive thoughts and painful memories are you trying to process the breakup and as you separate from the source of toxicity that he was to you. Let him keep his toxic friends. Anyone who abandons you b/c of that relationship ending, was never a real friend to you to begin with. I saw it happen with my cousin's divorce from his narcissist wife.

He basically lost his friends, lost his job, and moved in with his parents for two years and did therapy and medication to recover from the chaos and abuse she brought into his life. Now, finally, he's happily married to a normal woman and they have a family together. You'll be able to get there, but first, you have to process and heal from what this horrible man did to you.
That's true hopefully. I'm actually starting therapy tomorrow so hopefully that will help.

I'm also just so angry. Like i didn't realize i believed in karma until all of this. He basically got away scot-free and it kills me. I despise that evil little man child.
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Old 03-20-2019, 06:16 PM   #5
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Heart Re: How do i keep going? (In desperate need of advice)

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Originally Posted by Sangromancer View Post
That's true hopefully. I'm actually starting therapy tomorrow so hopefully that will help.

I'm also just so angry. Like i didn't realize i believed in karma until all of this. He basically got away scot-free and it kills me. I despise that evil little man child.
Your anger is justified; he abused your trust and devalued you while in a relationship with you.

As far as Karma. Most of Western society misinterprets it -- I recently learned what it really means. It doesn't really have anything to do with fate per se.

Karma really has to do with our actions and thoughts in every moment.

Like, it doesn't mean that now something bad is going to happen to your ex-bf b/c he was an abusive jerk to you. It's possible something bad will happen to him, but who knows.

Buddhism defines karma as energy created by action through thoughts, words and behavior. Everything we think and do, creates energy aka "karma." Karma doesn't have anything to do with a past life, but has to do with energy that results from our thoughts, our words, and our behaviors. The good thing about this karma/energy is that it means there is no such thing as "fate." Our future is not set in stone. We can change its direction at any time, with the smallest word, or the biggest risk/action we take.

I'm trying to use this philosophy to help me with my future as far as the type of relationships I want to have with men. I don't want to attract or date narcissists anymore. So, I'm trying to work on words, actions, and thoughts to help me stay away from those abusive types of men.

I hope your therapist helps you find healing. Maybe read some books too, on boundaries and emotional unavailability (those are things narcissists don't have, and why they appeal to women b/c they come across charming and passionate). Don't allow your anger and pain to keep you stuck. I know that's easier said than done because this just happened. Just do your best to work through and process all the yucky emotional baggage that you got from this relationship, so that you can release it and heal and attract a healthier guy for your next relationship.
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Old 03-20-2019, 06:38 PM   #6
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Default Re: How do i keep going? (In desperate need of advice)

Try to put the blame and shame on where it belongs....the abuser....abusers hate themselves and take it out on others. Abuse is always a choice. Consider finding a therapist...there was nothing (is nothing ) wrong with you, it is just that unfortunately there are so many abusers out there. 1 in 3 women will be physically assaulted and it all begins with verbal abuse. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life after 31 years of verbal and physical abuse.I think it should be required reading. xo
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Old 03-21-2019, 12:24 PM   #7
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Default Re: How do i keep going? (In desperate need of advice)

Tap into that anger- it will help you through the dark times.
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