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Default Mar 28, 2019 at 12:59 PM
  #1
I am a 14 year old girl who struggles with dealing with emotionally, verbal, and sometimes physical abuse from my mother. She constantly calls me obese and dietabic even though my doctor says IÂ’m a bit underweight. She says I am a retard if I donÂ’t answer a math question fast enough or if I do not know the meaning of a word, but I am at the top of my class. She threatens to beat me”, she throws stuff at me, and has threatened to set my room on fire in my sleep before.

She has caused me to have anxiety attacks, especially when she chews me out and curses at me. I tend to cry in these situation and then she mocks me and calls me a diva. She then proceeds to use foul language towards me and then make more threats. When I make a wonderful grade on a test, she tells me that I am a retard and that I only got that grade because my school is too easy. If I make a good grade, but not perfect, she goes on a rant about how I will never amount to anything or be able to go to university.

She does all of this in private though and when I ask my dad to please help, it becomes a he said - she said situation. She plays the victim, lies to him, and tells him that I abused her. My dad has walked in on some of our abusive situations and she then threatens divorce if he stands up for me. She then says that if she divorces, it is my fault and I ripped the family apart.

This has gone on for 7 years. I remember the first time when she abused me. I was throwing a tantrum at age 7, and she actually called a mental ward and told me she would make them put me in a straight jacket and give me electric shock therapy. I ran and locked myself in the bathroom and tried to call my dad. She tried to kick down the door of the bathroom so I came out and she punished me.

She has gotten so angry before that she actually kicked in one of our doors. When I was 12, she got mad at me while driving and threatened to throw me out of the car into oncoming traffic. She then locked me in the car when we got home and I had to wait for my dad to unlock it for me after 15-25 minutes. Last summer, she cursed at me in the car and told me to “get the hell out of the car”. We were at a stop and my father was in front of us. I ran out of the car and into his. She then curses me out and said she was going to “beat the **** out of me”.

When we got home, she got a metal object and attempted to hit me with it. My dad step in and protected me. She then took my phone and tried to read my messages to see if I told anyone about it. Before the beginning of school, I packed my bag and some supplies were on the table still. She then proceeded to call me a “dirty piece of ****”. She told me I am a diva and said she was going to try to pull me out of my school because I am a drama queen who doesn’t deserve friends.

In September, I had to get blood drawn and I have a fear of needles. I was crying and she told me that I am an embarrassment and to shut up because I was purposely trying to scare the other patients. She then slapped me and had the nurses pin me down. She has been calling me fat all the time lately, but I am very muscular and lean. My dad told her to stop so she doesn’t do it everyday now, but she still hints at it quite often. She tells “ You need to dance more. It is obvious you need exercise.”, “You’ve gotten really big lately”, “Why can’t you be like those models on the TV? They’re skinny”, “You should stop eating so much”,

“ I liked it better when you were lost 15 pounds ( I got very ill and became almost anorexic looking )”. When I got ill, she told me I was not allowed to gain any weight back even though I was disturbingly underweight. Last night was the breaking point for me. I cleaned my bathroom lately and the mirror was a bit streaked because of the cleaner. I tried multiple times to make it look better, but nothing worked. She came in and cursed me out for it saying “You purposely did that you lazy ***. I hate you. You so full of ****. Everything that comes out of your mouth is ********. You could have found a way to make it looked better, but you didn’t even try.”.

I told her I did my best and I couldn’t do anything about it because it wouldn’t go away no matter what. She then said that what I said was ****. I started crying and begged her to please stop cursing. She then began to mock my crying and faked cried and said “Look at me. I am such a lazy *** diva. I tried Mom . I tried” she then stopped and said that was ********. She then said that I am no longer allowed to go to my school or to university because I am such a diva. My dad walked in and she said that I called her abusive even though I didn’t.

She said that I drove her to cursing and that I am playing the victim and that I am the one who is causing the issues. When he left she told me she was going to “Beat the **** out of me and that I better watch out”. I cried myself to sleep last night and told my closest friend about it. This morning she acted like nothing happened until she asked me the meaning of some SAT words. I didn’t know the meaning so she asked my dad and he answered correctly. She said “Your dad can get it. Why can’t you? You think you can study your words once and you’re a genius? You clean your bathroom horribly and you think you’re so hard working?” I feel awful today.

I am considering talking to the counselor at school, but she will call my mom and anger her further. I fear for my life if she finds out. I will probably apologize and accept full blame for what she did like I always do. Please help.

Last edited by CANDC; Mar 28, 2019 at 03:11 PM.. Reason: paragraph breaks
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Default Mar 28, 2019 at 03:21 PM
  #2
Hi bdgirl9918. Welcome to Psych Central. I am so sorry you endure abusive behavior from your parent. No one should have to go through that.

As you have mentioned it is not easy to endure the lying and abusive behavior that they disquise and hide from others. There are no really good options but these articles may help. The most powerful tool that you have is not reacting. It seems from your story that they are looking for a reaction for you. It sounds like your dad may be under your mother's thumb also.

this is a good forum to post in
https://forums.psychcentral.com/survivors-of-abuse/

3 Signs You Have Emotionally Neglectful Parents

5 Survival Tactics You Use to Maintain a Relationship with Your Abusive Parent | Happily Imperfect

Coping When You Have a Narcissistic Parent

If you ever feel your life is in danger then dial the police and tell them you do not feel safe in your home and that you want to be removed from the home for your own safety. At that point if you are being physically abused then this option may be necessary, but only if you feel endangered. It may make things worse but if you feel your life is in danger then this may be worth considering. Of course your mother will probably deny the whole thing so this is really a last resort. Hopefully the other articles will give you ideas how to cope without things getting so far out of hand.

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Default Mar 28, 2019 at 03:54 PM
  #3
Thank you for replying so fast and for giving me great advice. I will try not to react. It is very hard because it truly hurts me and lows my self esteem greatly. If things get extremely out of hand, I will call the police. I am just scared because my mother is extremely abusive and I fear for my own safety if she were to find out I told anyone about anything ( I am using an private tab right now ). She is also my family’s only source of income and I am scared of what may happen if I tell and my family could possibly become homeless. Thank you again.
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Default Mar 28, 2019 at 06:46 PM
  #4
You should sit and talk to your school counselor about what you are dealing with. What you are describing is abuse. What you could try to do is find some after school activities you could do so you are not home as much too. Join some after school clubs etc.

I am sorry your mother is abusive towards you. Please know that there is something wrong with her and it's not your fault and you ARE worth more than she is saying to you. It's unfortunate, but we can't pick our parents and some parents are very dysfunctional. All the more reason to continue doing well in school, get an education so you can get away from her. It's hard right now at 14, but do your best to reach out for help, there should be a counselor at school you can sit and talk to.

If your mother is the sole provider, that's a lot of stress and she is probably unhappy about this and is taking that out on you.

Doesn't your father work?
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Smile Mar 28, 2019 at 06:50 PM
  #5
Hello bdgirl: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central. I'm sorry you are living under such abusive conditions. No one deserves to be treated the way it sounds like you're being treated. I don't know as I have any good advice to offer you. You mentioned possibly talking to the counselor at school. And that sounds like it might be a good place to start if-&-when you feel you can. In the meantime, hopefully, coming here to PC can be of some comfort & support. My best wishes to you.

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Default Mar 28, 2019 at 06:52 PM
  #6
My father works with my mom at their business, but she is ultimately the one who gets paid. He is just there to help I suppose, but yes, he works everyday with her.
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Default Mar 28, 2019 at 06:53 PM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by bdgirl9918 View Post
I am a 14 year old girl who struggles with dealing with emotionally, verbal, and sometimes physical abuse from my mother. She constantly calls me obese and dietabic even though my doctor says IÂ’m a bit underweight. She says I am a retard if I donÂ’t answer a math question fast enough or if I do not know the meaning of a word, but I am at the top of my class. She threatens to beat me”, she throws stuff at me, and has threatened to set my room on fire in my sleep before.

She has caused me to have anxiety attacks, especially when she chews me out and curses at me. I tend to cry in these situation and then she mocks me and calls me a diva. She then proceeds to use foul language towards me and then make more threats. When I make a wonderful grade on a test, she tells me that I am a retard and that I only got that grade because my school is too easy. If I make a good grade, but not perfect, she goes on a rant about how I will never amount to anything or be able to go to university.

She does all of this in private though and when I ask my dad to please help, it becomes a he said - she said situation. She plays the victim, lies to him, and tells him that I abused her. My dad has walked in on some of our abusive situations and she then threatens divorce if he stands up for me. She then says that if she divorces, it is my fault and I ripped the family apart.

This has gone on for 7 years. I remember the first time when she abused me. I was throwing a tantrum at age 7, and she actually called a mental ward and told me she would make them put me in a straight jacket and give me electric shock therapy. I ran and locked myself in the bathroom and tried to call my dad. She tried to kick down the door of the bathroom so I came out and she punished me.

She has gotten so angry before that she actually kicked in one of our doors. When I was 12, she got mad at me while driving and threatened to throw me out of the car into oncoming traffic. She then locked me in the car when we got home and I had to wait for my dad to unlock it for me after 15-25 minutes. Last summer, she cursed at me in the car and told me to “get the hell out of the car”. We were at a stop and my father was in front of us. I ran out of the car and into his. She then curses me out and said she was going to “beat the **** out of me”.

When we got home, she got a metal object and attempted to hit me with it. My dad step in and protected me. She then took my phone and tried to read my messages to see if I told anyone about it. Before the beginning of school, I packed my bag and some supplies were on the table still. She then proceeded to call me a “dirty piece of ****”. She told me I am a diva and said she was going to try to pull me out of my school because I am a drama queen who doesn’t deserve friends.

In September, I had to get blood drawn and I have a fear of needles. I was crying and she told me that I am an embarrassment and to shut up because I was purposely trying to scare the other patients. She then slapped me and had the nurses pin me down. She has been calling me fat all the time lately, but I am very muscular and lean. My dad told her to stop so she doesn’t do it everyday now, but she still hints at it quite often. She tells “ You need to dance more. It is obvious you need exercise.”, “You’ve gotten really big lately”, “Why can’t you be like those models on the TV? They’re skinny”, “You should stop eating so much”,

“ I liked it better when you were lost 15 pounds ( I got very ill and became almost anorexic looking )”. When I got ill, she told me I was not allowed to gain any weight back even though I was disturbingly underweight. Last night was the breaking point for me. I cleaned my bathroom lately and the mirror was a bit streaked because of the cleaner. I tried multiple times to make it look better, but nothing worked. She came in and cursed me out for it saying “You purposely did that you lazy ***. I hate you. You so full of ****. Everything that comes out of your mouth is ********. You could have found a way to make it looked better, but you didn’t even try.”.

I told her I did my best and I couldn’t do anything about it because it wouldn’t go away no matter what. She then said that what I said was ****. I started crying and begged her to please stop cursing. She then began to mock my crying and faked cried and said “Look at me. I am such a lazy *** diva. I tried Mom . I tried” she then stopped and said that was ********. She then said that I am no longer allowed to go to my school or to university because I am such a diva. My dad walked in and she said that I called her abusive even though I didn’t.

She said that I drove her to cursing and that I am playing the victim and that I am the one who is causing the issues. When he left she told me she was going to “Beat the **** out of me and that I better watch out”. I cried myself to sleep last night and told my closest friend about it. This morning she acted like nothing happened until she asked me the meaning of some SAT words. I didn’t know the meaning so she asked my dad and he answered correctly. She said “Your dad can get it. Why can’t you? You think you can study your words once and you’re a genius? You clean your bathroom horribly and you think you’re so hard working?” I feel awful today.

I am considering talking to the counselor at school, but she will call my mom and anger her further. I fear for my life if she finds out. I will probably apologize and accept full blame for what she did like I always do. Please help.
Get this all recorded and then go to the counselor and tell them she is abusing you. Call the police have your neighbor call the police. I believe you I had some exoerience. Please pm anytime

Last edited by Buffy01; Mar 28, 2019 at 07:28 PM.. Reason: Misspell a word
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Default Mar 28, 2019 at 06:54 PM
  #8
Iwould suggest talking to the counselor at school; yes, confronted with the abuse your mother will be angry, but you have to start somewhere. Is there a friend or relative you could stay with for awhile? your mother is full of rage, but not at you.....she has issues she has never dealt with. Verbal abuse can escalate to physical abuse, and you need a way to be safe from her. You do NOt cause her to abuse you.She CHOOSES that. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life; I had a mother like that. The best you can do, is to stop talking to her or trying to defend yourself (hard to do, I know). I hope you will talk to the counselor, and let her know you fear for your life, and why. Can you go to your room, or outside when she starts the abuse? Please do not accept the blame for HER abuse; it is her choice.
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Default Mar 28, 2019 at 08:35 PM
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I will try to talk to my counselor tomorrow about it. I honestly refuse to go home if she gets called because I am certain she will physically harm me. Unfortunately, there is nobody that I know that I could stay with. Even if there was, I would not feel safe doing it because I know she will attempt to track me down and that would endanger everyone.

I try to avoid her when she gets mad, but she follows me or demands that I come out of my room and threatens me and will physically drag me out if I don’t.
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Default Mar 28, 2019 at 08:43 PM
  #10
I will try to talk to my counselor tomorrow. If it gets extremely ugly (not that it isn’t already), but if I feel that my life is in imminent danger, I will contact the police. I don’t think she cares about the cops though as she says “I don’t care if I go to jail because all of you will be living on the streets if I do and it will be all your fault”, and it might be hard to coerce them because she abuses me in private. But yes, I will be discussing this with a counselor and will contact the cops if I feel that my life is in danger. Thank you so much.
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Default Mar 28, 2019 at 10:14 PM
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Welcome to pc. Please be safe

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Default Mar 29, 2019 at 05:54 PM
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See if you can find a way to record her when it happens. If you have a smartphone you can use the voice record feature.
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Default Mar 30, 2019 at 06:38 AM
  #13
Your dad should be protecting you. Unfortunately, some parents choose to ignore the abuse. Let us know how it goes with the counselor. You should not have to live in violence and fear.
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Default Apr 10, 2019 at 09:36 PM
  #14
Quote:
Originally Posted by bdgirl9918 View Post
I will try to talk to my counselor tomorrow. If it gets extremely ugly (not that it isn’t already), but if I feel that my life is in imminent danger, I will contact the police. I don’t think she cares about the cops though as she says “I don’t care if I go to jail because all of you will be living on the streets if I do and it will be all your fault”, and it might be hard to coerce them because she abuses me in private. But yes, I will be discussing this with a counselor and will contact the cops if I feel that my life is in danger. Thank you so much.
This is not your fault. It is her fault she get arrested because she broke the law. Trust me you will not be thrown out into the street you will mostly stay with other family and it will be her fault not yours.
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Heart Apr 10, 2019 at 10:54 PM
  #15
You should talk to the counselor indefinitely. And continue to talk and ask for advice on what you should do. If you tell your counselor not to call your Mom, then it has to be respected. But if the counselor believes that you are being abused or in danger, then by law she is required to alert Child Services, who will investigate the case, and find concrete evidence of abuse. If you have text messages from your mother, that are hurtful, or threatening then screen shot them. I would recommend voice recording conversations, therefor if she says that she is going to physically abuse you, there would be proof. At your age, if you are taken by Child Services, you would more likely be put in the foster care system, or family (depending on situation). I experienced this a lot when I was a teenager. My advice is to contact someone and find help. During the time your case is being investigated, be a "golden daughter" and do what she asks ect. Maybe joining in after school clubs to have the chance to be away from here for a longer period of time. I understand how hard it is, I never felt loved as a teen, I was the "Cinderella" and the punching bag for my Mother. Depending on the severity of the case, it could take a month to up to a year. Hang in there, and try not to listen to the negativity of your mother, who is probably putting her own insecurities on you. There are many websites that help kids and teens with abuse, maybe try and talk to one of them or in general find more information on your state's CPS (Child protective services) it will be able to inform you what is evidence, what is illegal, and other ways on how to find help. I'm sorry that you have had this kind of traumatic childhood, but I am happy that you are reaching out for help.

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Default Apr 11, 2019 at 08:58 AM
  #16
This is just awful. Normally I tend to try not to advise people to automatically involve authorities but in this case it is an absolute must! Go to your counselor asap whether or not you have video proof. If you cant find a counselor maybe the nurse or any teacher you are comfortable with. There is so much harm being done- harm you will not even realize until you are older. You can call anonymously and report your own abuse to child protective services/social services/children and youth- or whatever its called in your town. (DFPS - Texas Child Protective Services (CPS))
This will escalate. When an investigation is opened or your parents are involved-your mother will try to make you guilty, or make nice to you, be angry with you, push your dad to pile on- so many things could happen. DO not take the bait. Do not engage her. If you are not home do not go anywhere with her or take her calls. Do not feel guilty or that this is your fault.
Do you have family members that you could stay with?

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Default Apr 11, 2019 at 10:40 AM
  #17
I hope you spoke to someone and that you're safe now. Whenever you're able to, I hope you reach out to us and give us and update. We all care about you. <3
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Default Apr 14, 2019 at 10:25 AM
  #18
I’m sending hugs, I hope you’re safe

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Default Jul 23, 2019 at 02:00 PM
  #19
Update:

Sorry it took so long. I’ve been very busy lately. I went and talked to the social worker at my school which ended up being a total nightmare. I told her not to call my parents as this would result in my mom beating me up or worse. She then still tried to call my mom, but thankfully did not have her contact info on my file. She called my dad instead and told him everything I said. She said she wanted to tell my mom everything I said. I was crying profusely because I didn’t want my parents to know I went to the social worker. I begged the social worker to please not call them or give them anymore information afterwards. She then proceeded to yell at me “Shut up and stop crying! I’m not a child and you won’t tell me what to do. If I want to call your parents, I can.” She then called me in the next day and told me that she called CPS, but they aren’t going to do anything because “there’s not enough evidence.” Thankfully my dad did not punish me or tell my mom. He is really the only one in my family that is keeping me from losing it and keeping my mom from severely injuring me. My mom still calls me fat all the time. She has me on a diet and even suggested that I start skipping meals. She also made me try on a swimsuit for her and then proceeded to tell me that I was so fat in it. I’m 5’5 1/2” and I weigh 120lbs. The doctor said that I am at a perfect weight for my height, and I am also a competitive dancer so I am very active and fit. Not too long ago, my mom wanted me to watch a movie with her. The movie was really bad and halfway through, I told her I wasn’t enjoying it very much so I was going to go to bed. She then screamed at me that I am a spoiled brat and a diva. She then told me to “get the **** out of her face”. I apologized profusely and I headed to my bathroom to get ready for bed as I was crying. She then proceeded to try to chuck a full water bottle at me, but my dad stopped her. She then stormed into the bedroom/bathroom and told me that I am “full of ********”. About two days ago, my dad took me to go swimming at a community pool at the gym. It was just us, so I started telling him about the abuse. Unfortunately, he really didn’t understand. I told him that she keeps calling me a retard all the time and criticizes my grades and intelligence. He simply told me that “that’s just her way of encouraging you.” I kept telling him how she cusses me out, puts me down, and tries to beat me. He then told me to never go to the social worker again because he doesn’t want someone to investigate our household or arrest my mom. This was so disappointing and I felt defeated. He knows the abuse goes on and yet he just lets it happen. Maybe it’s because he’s scared my mom will hurt him or divorce him. She threatens him too sometimes and is just abusive to really everyone in the household, but mostly towards me. He just told me that it will be all over in 2 years when I graduate from high school ( I’m graduating two years early because I am in very advanced academic classes at school). I plan on moving to New York with my dad when I go to college as I would still be a minor and will need accompaniment. He said that he doesn’t think my mom will move with us, but she keeps mentioning that she plans to. I honestly don’t know what I will do if she does move with us. My life is already a living hell and I don’t know how I’m going to survive another 2 years and possibly more with her.

Also, about recording her abusing me. I don’t think that will work because she always checks my phone after abusing me to see if I contacted anyone about it. If she found out I was recording her, she would smash my phone (she has smashed the electronics in our house before, including phones), and she would also probably physically harm me. I just can’t seem to find a way to document her abuse that would provide substantial evidence. It’s all a he said - she said situation because a lot of the abuse is verbal and emotional. My dad usually jumps in before it becomes very physical so there are no bruises or injuries that I can really show.

Last edited by bdgirl9918; Jul 23, 2019 at 02:32 PM..
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Default Jul 23, 2019 at 02:54 PM
  #20
bdgirl,

I can tell you one thing for certain, you are not a retard and you have very good writing skills for a 14 year old. Regarding your mother, I suggest you seek counseling in some way. My mother also was incredibly abusive to me, although only in an emotional form. Take comfort that I have lived a long time past the abuse, but you will need to rectify inside you what your mom never gave you--healthy love. I applaud you coming onto this website and seeking help, that is quite a mature decision for someone your age.

Hopefully, the school counselor can get you assigned to a proper child psychologist. You will need therapy to heal and overcome the vicious nature of your mother. I wish I had gone to therapy myself, but I didn't have the knowledge that therapy existed. If you don't seek counseling, you will suffer like I did. You will need to understand that what your mother is doing is not your fault and learn to cope.

Perhaps eventually, if you can get the county involved, your father will gain the courage to leave your mother and take you with him. This is not a proper environment for you.

Kudos to you,

--sarc
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