Keep attracting abusers. Why?

This is because you unconsciously are attracted to what you were USED to . . . .abuse. You need to
have strong boundaries up,and let no one transgress them. Look up some books on 'assertiveness',
it changed my life. I now do not accept disrespect from ANY quarter! Also,some books on self-esteem,the world authority on that is Nathaniel Branden.I strongly suggest you get "Honoring The Self",and "The Six Pillars Of Self-Esteem". These are an INVESTMENT in YOUR LIFE,so
please get them.
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE

In my opinion the one common denominator in those who we date is OURSELVES. So, although we don't necessarily seek out abusive or narcissistic partners...we gravitate to what we know. Also those who have been victims of emotional/physical abuse and/or Gaslighting and/or Scapegoating tend to have self esteem issues in one form or another. Realising that we are deserving of support, nurturing, love & respect is often a very steep learning curve.

You keep "attracting abusers" because it is the nature of human beings to abuse. All human beings are abusive; the only people who don't abuse are those who feel a credible threat of punishment for doing so. Only the threat of equal or greater reciprocation will stop the abuser. You cannot depend on human "morals" or that they will act on good faith - having faith in humanity is a recipe for disaster; people will always betray you. That's simply human nature.

Hi TheUrOther,

I respect your input. At one point in time I thought the way you do and I still agree in part. I have often wondered if there is a need for humans to abuse and that societal constructs and laws have forced humanity to suppress it.

I believe that any human being who is given power over someone who is vulnerable as well as no accountability is very likely to abuse; but not everyone will. There are good people in the world and a lot of them have suffered abuse and from it have gained an ability to empathize. Why force someone else to live through what you lived through?

Have you heard of misanthropy? I am curious what you would think of it.

Thanks,
Hd7970ghz

There is not a need for human beings to abuse; it is a choice to abuse, made from free will. It is easier to abuse than not to abuse; therefore most people take the easy way.

I disagree; what stops people from abusing is exactly that accountability, that credible threat of potential punishment. The people who theoretically won't abuse won't abuse because they believe they will be punished if they do so.

I have never met any of these so-called "good people" despite searching the world for them. Either they don't exist or they're actively hiding from me which makes them not good people.

The reason to force others to live through what I've been force through is to make them empathize; they won't otherwise. The fact that I did not encounter any of these so-called "good people" during my childhood or any time later only guarantees that not enough people have been through what I've been through to stop people from putting me through what I go through. People won't stop abusing on their own - they must be forced to do so. People will not stop abusing by themselves; the brains of abusers literally don't have that capability. The fact that they start proves that they cannot stop; if they could they would not have started.

I've been a full misanthrope since humanity started waging its war against me when I was six years old. I will continue to be one as long as they decide to fight against me.

I was advised in therapy that sometimes it happens like this:

We had a bad/abusive relationship with a parent or other important person during our childhood. We wanted SO much to fix the problem and make that person happy. We were on our best behavior, we walked on eggshells, we bent over backwards to please them, but try as we might, we couldn't succeed. We start focusing on our "mistakes" and try to correct them for next time. If we could only do a little bit better, if we could be sweeter and more patient and less emotional, if we could do everything right, then just maybe....

It might sound like splitting hairs, but therapist said it's not as much a matter of *attracting* abusers as *being attracted to* abusers. Without realizing we're doing it, we re-create the relationships we had before, thinking that maybe if we're good enough, we can finally succeed in making it come out right this time.

But of course they aren't going to stop being abusive, no matter how good we are in response. All they're going to do is take advantage of that goodness. In fact, now they know what controls us. They want us to hop to it and start kowtowing to them, all they have to do is be threatening and intimidating, all the while giving off the faintest (false) glimmer of hope that we can do something to make them change that.

Hi TheUrOther,

I respect your opinions and whatever you have been through I want you to know I understand and empathize greatly.

I just wanted to note that you say you disagree with me - but I don't disagree with you - so in actual fact we don't disagree; at least with the parts you say you disagree with. What I know from my own personal trauma (because everyone with trauma has a different story) that human beings are more likely to abuse when there is a power imbalance and lack of accountability. This is found it plenty of trauma literature and studies on human nature and through all of history. Saying so does not disagree with your comment about how people choose not to abuse because of accountability - both can be true at the same time. I quite liked your take on it and I agree with you that a portion of abusers certainly don't abuse due to fear of accountability. But that doesn't always stop them, especially when they've got power over someone vulnerable and have the means to avoid detection (no accountability).

Also, I am sorry you haven't met anyone good in your life. Sometimes when I am triggered I feel the same. But it is extremely important to remember that human beings all deserve the right to be fallible - as it is unfortunately a part of being human. In coming to terms with human nature and the world we live in, I find it easier to coexist with my fellow man when I can remind myself that humans are fallible, but that it is not the same as malignant abusers or psychopaths who are drawn to abuse others. (I have unfortunately hurt people in my life, but I never wanted to and I always felt regret - does that make me a bad person? Or am I just human?) Sometimes it is hard to distinguish when someone is intentionally abusive or inadvertently abusive - yet both are two very different things and when we have experienced a ton of abuse in our lives - the line that seperates the two is often misconstrued. We can generalize that all humans are bad everytime someone hurts us - until we find someone who can actually model a healthy relationship and prove us wrong. It sounds like you deserve and need to find that person in order to heal. Alot of us on Psychcentral understand this desperation; it can be a part of complex trauma to yearn for someone who is an exception to the seemingly normalized abuse infecting society and the world.

Good people are out there. Perhaps you are one of them. I know I am, but it took being abused to realize it. I could never harm others the same way I was. Can you say the same for yourself? If you are a good person, surely there are others.

Placing faith in humanity can be a recipe for disaster. Lowering expectations seems like granting excuse for abusers - but often times we fail to distinguish malicious abusers from fallible humans... does this make sense?

I apologize if this is rude or seems insensitive - you planted some seeds in my head so I felt it important to try and do the same for you with the motivation to help, not harm.

If you would like to message me in private chat - I would very much like to hear more about your experiences as I believe we can help one another.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

Hi Arbie,

This was extremely well written and very articulate. I am so happy you wrote this. I agree with it completely. It definitely lays out the dynamics and roles we fall into in abusive childhood and how it then impacts our future relationships. So hard to break the pattern.

Kind of an aside....I have childhood neglect and trauma- mostly stemming from my Dad. It caused me to seek out similar men and boys to date-even though rationally I knew it was bad I thought I could change them or show them how to be good so I put up with it. I met my husband when I was 18 and with yet another asshole. I knew from the first time that I met him that I would marry him (kismet) yet he was the opposite of what I usually dated. Because I felt so sure of him I broke it off with the asshole(with drama) and starting hanging around my husband and we began to date. In the beginning I was constantly testing him and a self sabatoger. My MO had been to be treated badly and abused-so that anxious, sick. codependent love was what I was used to. It caused me to doubt if he was for me. My therapist at the time said something like:
"You know how you can tell if he is right for you, or if its right?" You feel out of sorts, your testing, you are picking fights and being dramatic, pushing him away only to ask him back-BECAUSE you grew up and expect abuse. The relationship feels foreign and wrong to you because you are feeling what its like to be respected and loved-not the usual physical and emotional take-downs. You are doing these things as a way to see if he will reject you or abuse you because of your trauma. Nothing will change unless you get real with yourself and work on healing from that trauma". Wow. I began to see her twice a week for 6 months and at the end of 6 months it was like a whole new, better and healthy relationship and we got married when I was 20 and will be 24 years this september. This is just my take on some things regarding abusive relationships/

The problem I have with this theory is that it requires the person to actively reject non-abusive people - which does't make any sense, no matter how irrational the person. Either the abusers have to actively prevent all good people from meeting the victim - which should not be an easy task - or the victim will accidentally meet a "good person" and throw that person away. That would require a level of insanity past the point where one is coherent and capable of taking care of themselves.

Also, saying that someone doesn't "realize" they're creating an environment welcoming to abusers is basically insulting their intelligence. Stupid victims are dead victims; the survivors think for themselves and know better than to allow any ground to abusers.

Are you certain that's a good idea? Isn't that simply going to encourage lazier, more error-prone people?

I was (and still am) brutally punished for every mistake I make, and it has made me a better person. My problems stem for the inequality of punishment - people will punish me for acts they'd never punish themselves for, and they forgive themselves from far greater than they'll forgive me. On top of that, I have to clean up after every screw-up they make - or get punished for not doing it.

This is false. Human fallibility comes from gross negligence - a moral failing equal to malice. They intentionally refused to do what was necessary to make them less fallible, even knowing what their mistakes would do to others. If people are not punished equally for negligence as for malice, they will commit malice and claim negligence - and reap the bonus of a lesser punishment.

As I've said above, you should not; it is an error to do so, and doing so makes you an accomplice to their crimes.

People are constantly harping on about my supposed lack of responsibility yet they don't believe they stain themselves when they allow others to do harm without punishment. What about their responsibility?

It is impossible to "find" this person because it has been statistically proven that they do not exist. It is mathematically impossible for me to gone without any direct contact with such a person throughout so much as my pre-adulthood, much less my entire life. This idea of a miraculous saint is simply a fantasy. No one is going to "rescue" me; that line of thinking is toxic.

I feel the only way people can understand what we go through is to be subject to the abuse we received. While I cannot abuse others, I also cannot believe people can be "good" without first also being subject to the same level of torture - to the point where they suffer from PTSD. Neuro-typicals are simply too "spoiled" by their lack of injury to even know when they're hurting us - and they have no interest in learning; our problems are, by definition, "someone else's problem".

I see what you're trying to say, but I wholly disagree with it. Malice develops *from* fallibility; fallibility is the seed from which malice sprouts. Even if it didn't, the end result is more important than the motive; if an act results in abuse, it doesn't matter if the actor intended it or not. A lack of intent doesn't stop people from dying from fatal actions.

Hi TheUrOther,

I respect your disagreements with my comments, but I will not engage in arguments. If you want to message me privately feel free - but the topic of this thread is being lost. We should return to the topic. I should note that you are taking different meanings from what I am writing and if I choose to clarify and engage in your interpretations - it will only lead to more arguments. Perhaps this is a matter of differing communication styles and or language barriers - but in my experience, engaging in this kind of thing only leads to more misinterpretations. I am sorry that you disagree with so much of this. I question if perhaps you have a hard time agreeing because you have been through so much in your life. That doesn't mean that you are any more or less right or wrong, it just means you have a different way of looking at things. But one thing I won't engage in is someone who puts words in my mouth. I have very clearly stated what it is that I mean. I recommend taking time away to process what I have written and asking if it makes more sense at a later date.

I hope you have a good day.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz