Female Left Abuser

I postponed speaking out. When I try no words appear. I'm a female in late twenties in a relationship with a male abuser same age. Together 4 years. He abused me in every way: psychologically, emotionally, economically and physically. My last straw was 5 days ago, the day i left the house where we lived.

I'm in a safe place right now. Over the time me and him had together he would say horrible things about me to me and raise his hand to hit me. He thought to be justified and entitled due to him being a man. His corrupted view of women gives him an excuse to damage the soul, mind and body of women. I know the source of his corruption: his upbringing, childhood, cultural influence.

Tried to help, calmly explain him females deserve respect, safety, independency. Showed him examples of good women in society. He was left unchanged.

And I feel I didn't deserve his punishments, for I never insulted, humiliated or physically injured him. I don't scream. I only defended myself with words, opinions. He would call this "only *****s defend themselves, nobody can save you", then slap follows. He wanted to erase everything in my mind and merge his thoughts in my brain. When i disagreed the pit of hell opened and I stared into the eyes of a demon. Everytime when he was angry his eyes would change. I was terrified for my life. It was becoming more intimidating and intense with every outbreak. I developed anxiety and I felt the tension rising in the air. I was a slave to him in true sense of that word, confined to a house, with no friends, no career, and my life was going nowhere with him. He didn't do anything to make our lives good. And me as well, since I was not allowed to earn money or talk to anyone. He blamed me for his hardships, his temper, not being wealthy. I believe my mind is broken. Masquerading my pain from myself.

Why writing this I don't know. There's no catharsis. No sudden release. It escapes me.

I am sorry that you are struggling right now! You do not deserve to be treated this way or hurt this way mentally or physically.

Thank you.

I’m sending hugs and support