Betrayal Trauma - When those you trust protect your abusers & fail to protect you...

Hi community,

I realize this topic will be triggering for a lot of us. Please be gentle in what you share and include trigger warnings if you must.

I am struggling with this a lot right now. Realizing how many friends, family members and mental health professionals protected my abusers... It breaks my heart and is a trauma I will never recover from. Betrayal trauma theory can refer to this as Institutional Betrayal when the trauma occurs in larger institutions like Universities, Churches, Healthcare, Workplaces, etc.

Can anyone relate? How have you come to terms with this? Any suggestions for fellow survivors?

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

Yes I can relate

My teddies send hugs

I’ve lived it, too. Emotional/verbal/mind game abuse.

I believe it happens even when the abuser enablers do not have direct knowledge of the abuse or have unconfirmed suspicions about abuse or denial about it. I adore my mom, and she is wonderful and I know she always has my back but...she missed important issues, or denied them or had suspicions that she did not pursue so its hard for me to reconcile sometimes.

I had a verbally and physically abusive mother, abusive (ex) husband of 31 years, then a church who betrayed me in a terrrible way. I decided to live my life with as much joy as I could, refusing to let what they did affect my life.,

This has to do with the fact that abusers are good actors/ actresses, smooth-talkers, and aggressive campaigners of themselves.

They are so good at putting on the "front" of a trustworthy person, so that their B.S. "stories" will be believed. My abuser went out of her way to make a good impression of herself to my contacts. In retrospect, I think it was really overdone.

But if these supporters remain close to the abuser for a long time, eventually, they will figure him/ her out.

Betrayal trauma... how do you get over it? I don't know. For me I suppose I trust only in my self. Our mother allowed our father to abuse us. She would literally tell us at age 5 or 7 or 10 or whatever... if you don't do it I will have to. Later when it all came out she denied everything and protected him. She did her best to discredit us.
How do you get over it? I trust in my self. I have my own back. I look out for me. Nobody can hurt me. I don't stick around for that kind of ****. Do I "trust" in our therapist. I suppose. But I don't in any way hand my self to her and relinquish my own sovereignty. We turn up each week and she does her job. But I would walk away from her in an instant if she ever did anything that might hurt any one of us.
I will never betray us. Trusting in that allows me to possess an unshakeable sense of safety.

This is a good topic and difficult to talk about. I think this happens in most cases of abuse whether physical abuse, sexual or verbal abuse. In many cases, it is done all the time and people either ignore it or turn a blind eye to it. In some cases, the victim is blamed.

I totally relate to this topic. My parents knew about my sister’s abuse and did nothing serious to stop it. They also blamed me for losing fights to a girl. She interpreted that she could do whatever she wanted with me, especially if they were not home. She knew I couldn’t go to them afterwards to get help.

A friend was abused by a priest who went to trial last week. Her parents were told but she was not a party in the case. Her mother went with her to hear the jury's decision. Her mother believed her as her story was a replay of the testimony given in court by others. I thought how wonderful that her mom was there to support her. Of course the media knew who they were. After the guilty plea, she said how she had looked for years for the priests obituary. Media ask her mom for a comment. Her mother said...I can't speak badly of a priest. My heart dropped. Sure my mouth fell open as well. Mom didn't say she didn't believe her daughter, she did. But.....

Hi TishaBuv,

I am sorry that you experienced this! It is so unfair. Did you manage to ever find someone who proved your wrong? Someone who stepped in and made attempts to protect you?

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

Hi Sarahsweets,

I am sorry that you experienced this.

Has your Mom ever met your needs in regards to validation and protection from your abusers? Even if only once? If so, did she flip-flop, or was she always protecting your abusers?

I agree that sometimes abuse enablers are unaware of the abuse and simply act on ignorance. However, sometimes they do know. I don't know if one is worse than the other because they both hurt so much! But either way they are in the wrong.

Did you ever protest your maltreatment? If so, what happened? Did it get worse? Were you invalidated and blamed for showing anger and emotions that seemed disproportionate to the situation at hand (considering your mother didn't see the abuse).

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

Hi Nicoleflynn,

It sounds like you've been through a lot of abuse. My heart goes out to you.

How have you managed to move forward and find joy? Was it really hard to make that conscious choice and refuse to allow it to control your life? Were you able to re-instill faith in humanity after the abuse and betrayals? Perhaps you could share some of your hard-earned insight with us.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

Hi Ennie,

Thanks for sharing this. I greatly empathize with your experience. I hope that you have been able to remove yourself from the control of your abusers. At what point did you come to realize these things about your abusers? The dynamics that were playing out?

I agree with you. I think abusers have that unique ability to hide amongst the crowd. "Wolves in sheeps clothing." They do it so well it is scary to think about how calculated they are. And to think that so many people fall for it. Quite disturbing and even more-so when they fool people we love and trust.

My abusers did the same exact thing. It is so painful to think about. I still have trouble accepting the amount of abuse my family put me through and how long I put up with it. I was stuck in major trauma bonding trying to get them to understand, but they never stopped abusing. Rightfully I should never speak to my family again, but two years of no contact and major boundaries have allowed me to maintain a small level of communication.

Did your abusers manipulate extended family and friends? My family did smear campaigns through gossip to destroy my image because they were afraid I might share the abuse with family and friends. My brother is a narcissist and he always hated that I loved filmmaking. I became a target of his and so he sabotaged any chances that I may succeed at film; worst of all were the friendships that he destroyed. Of course, years after, some of my extended family started to recognize these patterns and decided for themselves that there was more than meets the eye. If only they realized that earlier - by that time I had already stopped talking to EVERYONE in my extended family because they had been so misled about who I was it became too painful to be around. So heartbreaking that we should go through this in silence.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

AmyJay,

My heart goes out to you.

I found your story incredibly sad but also incredibly insightful in that you have found a way to build inner stability through trusting yourself. I really want to thank you for sharing this.

In order to trust in ourselves we must first learn to love ourselves and realize we deserve to be treated well; in your experience, was it difficult for you to realize that you deserve to be treated well?

I ask because I know for myself, I had internalized all my abuse and eventually believed the lies. Based on what your parents did, I can only imagine the damage it did to your self-worth.

I also like what you said about your therapist, in that if your therapist was to treat you poorly you would do what is best for you. That is a sign of being healthy and I am SO happy you have managed to create that for yourself.

I know this is none of my business, but have you maintained contact with your parents? If so, I imagine that failed attempts at being validated for your abuse has left your in extreme agony... Have you found that validation elsewhere?

You are a survivor. I am so sorry for what you have gone through.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

Hi Abusedbysister,

I like how you explained that this can happen in most cases of abuse. The more I research abuse dynamics the more I agree with this point.

I am heartbroken to hear how your family failed to protect you from your sister. Were you ever able to get an apology or any form of validation from family? If not, did you find validation from fellow survivors in that your experience of invalidation was so similar?

When you went to your parents and explained to them what was going on, did they ever validate you?

Your family normalized abuse. They failed you.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

Hi Cavaliers,

Thank you for sharing this.

This is a perfect example of societal gas-lighting and a tendency to protect those in esteemed positions. It is incredibly sad and I am so happy you recognized what was wrong with the picture. Unfortunately this problem repeats itself all around the world. Do you know if the Mom felt regret afterwards? Did your friend mention anything to her Mom about it?

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

I tend to have anxiety about this subject to the point where I have mostly blocked it from my memory and have to work really hard to think about it but I will try...

Quote:

Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ Hi Sarahsweets, Has your Mom ever met your needs in regards to validation and protection from your abusers? Even if only once? If so, did she flip-flop, or was she always protecting your abusers?

My mother has validated my needs and fully understands what happened and feels terrible and carries a lot of guilt over things. My view of it was she was doing the best she could with what she had at the time. It involves my father (at least this situation). She ran off as a hippie to california when she was 20 to marry my father. She had me when she was 21. The experimental phase of the 60's with drugs never quite wore off with my father and he continued to "recreationaly use (read abuse) drugs and always drank to much. He was what they used to call manic depressive-untreated. Its hard to know which was mental health and which was drugs and alcohol. My mom caught him being unfaithful and they split twice before getting divorced. There was lots of abuse and chaos (I cant go there with the sexual parts-too private) and he was a true narcissist IMO. He was extremely manipulating. When she broke free she had to work and be a single parent and my dad had visits on the weekend. I tried to report my-trauma to the authorities and got so far as having a case opened up but their stupid solution was to stick me in a room with a therapist and him and he intimidated me into collapsing into tears and lying- saying I made it all up. The story could go on but she knows the basics of how things went. She has prodded for more info but A- I do not want to get into it with her and B- as a parent myself I cant imagine the pain that she would feel knowing details, and C- I do not think it would better me in any way.

I have been re-traumatized since then in various ways by men and people in authority but since I have been sober I am a different person- I do not tolerate being mistreated or my loved ones to be mistreated and I have boundaries and stick up for myself(although if I were abusively treated or yelled at by say..a doctor or scared too badly I do freeze like a deer in headlights). I dont seem to have the flight or fright thing down- I tend to freeze-sometimes fighting- but mostly freezing until the fear passes.
I hope I have answered your questions ok.

[QUOTE=HD7970GHZ;6503579]Hi TishaBuv,

I am sorry that you experienced this! It is so unfair. Did you manage to ever find someone who proved your wrong? Someone who stepped in and made attempts to protect you?

Thanks,
HD7970ghz[/
Once a boy who liked me in middle school threatened to beat up a girl who threatened me.
Once my college boyfriend got the photos erased from a creepy guy who had taken them of me like a stalker.

I didn’t put either of them up to it and didn’t condone the violence, but it did feel good to be defended.

Otherwise I have had a serious lack of empathy from my whole family. I don’t understand it. I have a lot of empathy and have defended all of them, but they don’t have my back. I don’t matter. I’m not just distorting this and being dramatic. I’ve really been through some shyt.

Thanks for asking.