I Am Beginning To Remember My Trauma

This was my reality for years, back when I lived in a small town in a country in eastern Europe that I won't name for fear of being identified with my "family" when I was 19 to 21. The worst, most horrid period of my life, and I have no idea why I accepted that these people (my parents) allowed this to happen to me. And I have no idea why I just acted like all this was somehow normal. It was not normal, it was evil. And it was about the most horrific thing that can happen to any human being.

And it happened every week, now, just now thanks to a flashback I had, I can remember the first time that it happened. I was drugged and raped by a family "friend". And the memories and flashbacks have overwhelmed me. He used to spend time with my family for "dinner", and he used to seem like good company. We talked, and we spent time together.

Then, after a while I told my parents I was confused about my gender identity, which was something I struggled with since I was extremely young. They apparently told their "friend". Then a few days later, he came over...… and things were just different. He was "joking" with my parents about how I would be a "sexy lady".

I thought that this was strange, but then later in the night I walked to the bathroom to take a leak. Then, I noticed that I was not feeling quite right, and this 'family friend' asked me how I was feeling. He said that I should "go lay down somewhere" if I was not feeling well.

When I did go to lay down, I noticed that it was as though a blanket with various red and green shapes were draped across me. As if I was looking up at this faint "blanket" that wasn't there. I could not walk right, and my parents were there. They just looked at me, not caring.

And then the 'family friend' said that I should probably 'take a walk with him' to see if I needed to go to the hospital. My parents didn't seem to have any issues with this, and I just went, thinking he was watching me to make sure I would get through this.

I remember him saying that he was "taking me to the hospital", but really he took me to his apartment. I was in a very altered state, I remember feeling like I could not even feel anything at all. I ran water over my hands when I was in the bathroom, and I could not feel the water running over my hands. It was the strangest thing, I could see the water running over my hands but I could not feel it. Couldn't feel the cold.

Then, I touched my hand, and I could not really even feel my finger touch my hand. It was bizarre, as if my body was not even able to feel any sort of sensation at all. Then, he asked me if I wanted to sleep on the floor next to his bed because he wanted to make sure that I "was okay" through the night. At this point, I was unable to really think things through that well. But admittedly, even then I felt uneasy about the whole thing. I simply felt like I was powerless to do anything about it.

I was going to call an ambulance for myself, but I noticed that my cell phone wasn't on me. And I had no idea where it was. He must have, at some point, taken it from me and hid it. As time went on, I became more and more unconscious.

I can remember it feeling very, very difficult to walk, and I remember falling and hitting my head in his apartment. And then I remember feeling sore when I woke up the next day, knowing what must have happened but not knowing how it did. Then, he drove me home to my "family", and they just were kind of smirking at me. I said to my mom that I thought he "had done something to me".

She just told me, "Oh that's absurd." And she became very threatening about it. Saying "You better not tarnish our family image. He has been a close friend of ours for years and you better not go spreading these lies about him."

My father said, "Look, I don't know what happened, but whatever it was, it's not going to go anywhere if you start talking about this. He's a rich, successful, good guy, and what the **** are you? We are respectable people and so is he, and there is NOTHING that you'll be able to do to tarnish his image or ours. Don't even think about it. We will destroy you." It was very threatening and menacing.

For some reason, I wasn't going to just let it be. And I tried to report my rapist to the police. But when I got into the station and I said his name, they just said, "Who? (insert name) did what? No ****ing way, oh my god, we better lock him up, right boys...." The one cop nudged the guy sitting next to him as he said it, and they all just started laughing. I said, "No I'm serious, I want to press charges."

Then, one of them gave me a stern look and said, "You better be ****ing quiet or you'll be the one seeing the inside of a cell. That man is my friend, a good man, and you better stop spreading lies about him. He's a pillar of our community." After that, I just kept quiet. I just kept going with my life the best I could. But this kept happening. And happening. And for these two years, I just felt so helpless and trapped. Like there was nothing I could do, no one who even cared. And every weekend, he would "visit". And then drug me and rape me...…. and this was all basically "legal" since the police didn't care, my "family" didn't care, and no one believed me.

Two years, I lived through this. My parents deny any of this ever happened, but it did. This was the hell that I lived through, and every night I have nightmares about it. Every single night, the trauma I endured comes through in my dreams. I cannot live in the present, I cannot live my life without being incessantly haunted by these horrific memories and flashbacks of what happened to me

Thank you for sharing this dreadful experience. Here are links to 2 articles by DocJohn on the subject of sexual abuse / assault:

Coping with Sexual Abuse - Psych Central

#MeToo: The Psychology of Sexual Assault

I hope that, if you're not already working through this in a therapeutic environment, you will be able to do so & that in the meantime being here on PC can be of some comfort & support. My best wishes to you...

Thank you for sharing this horrible trauma

I agree with Skeezyks