Ranting about my past... trigger warning

my moms like "you don't know how good you have it. we've lived in ****** homes with mice and roaches all over the place... worse than the houses we've lived in when you was a kid. we almost went homeless"... completely forgetting that we were also poor when I was a child. we've lived in ****** conditions too... the sexual abuse from her ex... the severe neglect my dad put me through and the emotional abuse she put me through and some outright physically abusive... same with my uncle tom and my uncle tim threatening me with a knife and intimidating with it because he was too high to understand any

she never dealt with sexual abuse. she never dealt with being locked in the room without food or hygiene for days. her brothers may of fought her but at least her parents didn't go further than hitting them on the *** with a belt. she doesn't understand and when i tell her she forgets.

i use to tell myself i'm making it up... even when it was happening... i talked with my sister about what my dad and stepmom did to us... she remembers. she remembers us eating old food on the floor, drinking old pop cans with pop and cigarette and ashes in it and god knows what else because we where that hungry and that i think what ****ed me up more than the sexual abuse. because i couldn't blocked that out my head like i could when my sexual abuse and rape happened. it was painful but at least the pain went away with disassociation and not remember it... you never forget feeling hungry and pounding on the bedroom door and only getting yelled at and spanked because I was acting "bad". however, the sexual abuse pain i remember it through dreams so idk what's worse.

but i feel like since i wasn't beaten senseless i feel like it doesn't count. at least that's what i thought as a child. at least no ones beating me with cords half to death.. Then again my uncle would get high on crack... he'd take a knife and stabbed the table with it and said he was going to cut my head off if i misbehaved. My other uncle at the age of 7 threw me across the dinning room one time. at age 12 that same uncle grabbed me by my hair and slammed me on the ground. My mom use to threaten to beat my *** if i don't stop banging my head against the floor. she's pushed me, grabbed my by the arms (so tight she bruised my arm), she'd punched me in the arms several times and said now that i'm over 18 it's no longer "child abuse" and she can kick my *** whenever she wanted. She was also emotionally abusive and take out her anger on me. I was a lazy *****.

I remember being younger and i would get my needs neglected... i never seen a dentist until i was 18 and needed a root canal done. I also flunked second grade because i missed 42 days of school for untreated head lice. Kids were evil about it. i was dirty and no one would play with me besides my sister who went to the same school at the time. I didn't know how to read up until i was 9 years old because education were not met until my mom got with my stepdad Frank and he taught me to read and nicked the lice problem in its butt.

--- TW specifics on sexual abuse ---

I remember being 6-7 years old laying in a bed naked with my rapist holding me down by my wrist and forced himself in between my legs and inserting himself inside of me. Can't remember if i'm crying, screaming, or silent because i'm too scared he'll smother me with a pillow or something... my earliest memory of the abuse was when i was 2 or 3 years old. i was in the bathtub at our house. mom walked out the bathroom and him inside the bathroom... started inserting his fingers inside me. It hurt and i told my mom that my butt hurt because i had no vocabulary to know what vagina was... memory ended.

I remember being young... my rapist was going to the restroom and i looked underneath the door to watch him pee... he notices and tells me i can watch him pee threw a vent into the other room... so i did... then i remember one time when i was 6 -7 years old i walked downstairs from my room to get something to eat. my rapist stops me... he pulls his pants down and then mine... he places me on his lap... there was his penis... he placed my hand on his penis... i was scared and knew what was going to happen next... next thing i know is he made me straddle him and we played "horsey" while he was inside me... i dissociated and it was like it wasn't happening. I was told to not tell my mom what "we" were doing because my mom would kill him and we didn't want that now did we?... memory ended

I remember being in the same bed with him one day while watching an episode of power rangers... i was hanging halfway off the bed and he grabbed my butt. It felt good for some reason. he stopped and then i wanted him to do it more so i kept doing that same position until he did it again... memory ended...

I remember him and I would get into tickle fights... he would touch me inappropriately and "tickle" my privet parts... THAT made me feel uncomfortable. It was that insentience i told my grandmother about with the sexual abuse. I said he'd tickle my butt and didn't like it. my grandmother told my mom and she kicked out my rapist out... however after that they acted like nothing had happened... my emotional scars were never tended to... last thing i remember after that was my mom woke me up and told me that he'd never hurt me again and i cried. i cried because i got him into trouble. scared... frightened. I guess stockholm syndrome? who knows?

I have so many different memories from the abuse. It happen repeatedly over the past 5 years of my young life at the time. so many things... so many times... memories keep popping up. I don't know what to think