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Old 04-25-2019, 07:04 PM #1
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Exclamation Narcissist

People can be a narcissist but not diagnosed because they think nothing is wrong with them. This was an eye opener..like my ex the nice and charming guy he was in the beginning wasnít who he really was but it was to get me hooked..then did a 360 months later..donít see how he was in a relationship for years..then again, I donít keep my mouth shut I voice my concerns which they donít like

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Old 04-25-2019, 08:48 PM #2
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Iíd not diagnose other people. It doesnít really matter whatís his diagnosis. Whatís matter is not to ignore red flags. Focus on that.
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Old 04-26-2019, 02:40 PM #3
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Iíve been hurt by people in real life who seemed ďniceĒ to get me to trust them but then turned into cruel bullies. They turned ďon a dimeĒ They can be relentless. Its a good idea to be aware of red flags
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Old 04-26-2019, 11:51 PM #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gymgirl71 View Post
People can be a narcissist but not diagnosed because they think nothing is wrong with them. This was an eye opener..like my ex the nice and charming guy he was in the beginning wasnít who he really was but it was to get me hooked..then did a 360 months later..donít see how he was in a relationship for years..then again, I donít keep my mouth shut I voice my concerns which they donít like

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It's good to be informed about their tactics so you know how to counter it. I think you are doing the right thing by educating and protecting yourself.
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Old 04-28-2019, 09:15 AM #5
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Old 04-28-2019, 11:59 AM #6
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Labeling is not always the accurate thing to do. My EX-Presented with many behaviors that seemed narcissistic to the point I thought maybe.....but in reality when I was directed toward a different possibility & did my research those behaviors fit many different possible labels & yes what I figured out what I had been dealing with for so many years....the research books said YES, their behaviors from that condition can manifest themselves as narcissistic characteristics.

Bottom line.....as Divine said.....it is better to focus on behaviors & the red flags they should be causing so you can learn to counter. We need to be proactive against behaviors rather than labels
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Old 04-28-2019, 09:58 PM #7
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It's true because there are mental illnesses that can appear to have "some" narcissistic symptoms, but may actually turn out to be someone struggling with alcoholism AND may be using that to self medicate from experiencing severe narcissistic abuse. A lot of alcoholics, not all, but many of them get sober and then begin suffering all the symptoms of ptsd. I have had three different therapists tell me that who treat these patients.
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Old 05-02-2019, 03:28 PM #8
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Personally.. I think those who arenít diagnosed or who are in ďdenialĒ ... well letís just leave it at that

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Old 05-02-2019, 04:42 PM #9
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My perspective (as someone who left an abusive husband) is that the antidote to unhealthy relationships is strengthening and honoring the Self. At one point after I ended my marriage, my psychologist suggested to me that if I'd had healthy self-esteem back when I first met him, I never would have stayed with him and married him. I don't mind telling you that at the time, I found that comment offensive....because I had low to zero self-esteem having grown up with an abusive father and a very unhealthy family.

However, as my therapy progressed I came to see how accurate the psychologist was. So what's my point? If we put the time and work in on ourselves (rather than placing all the energy on hypervigilance) it will become very clear and comfortable to us when a man is safe and healthy to partner with and when we need to say goodbye. I am not at all suggesting that this is easy or simple. But it can be done.

I used to be hypervigilant. I live with PTSD as a result of childhood abuse and spousal abuse, but over time I feel stronger and more trusting of myself. If a friend or anyone else is not treating me respectfully, I will draw a line and move on. I will not accept disrespect or blame myself. Yes, it is helpful for any survivor to learn the signs of an abusive partner. That certainly helped me and was shockingly eye-opening. Though I don't think it's helpful to focus on particular diagnoses and constant defense. At a certain point, we very much need to focus on our selves....what are our strengths and challenges....what are we drawn to etc.

When the focus is all on constant hypervigilance and trying to live in a world where dysfunctional people never enter our lives (not possible) I think it's harder to become stronger and learn to trust and rely on ourselves. For example, sometimes I think the anti-bullying programs in schools have the wrong idea. I think they'd be more successful in teaching children how to honor and respect themselves.....to develop self-esteem....there's no such thing as a bully-free school or world....we need to learn how to navigate it and how to love ourselves such that we don't crumple or blame ourselves any time we meet a dysfunctional person.

When I started dating again after my abusive ex-husband, (I waited a long time and spent a great deal of money out of pocket to know and understand myself better in therapy) I was terrified that I would choose another similar partner. I am now in a relationship with a good guy and I can honestly say that if someone tried to abuse me again, it simply wouldn't fly. So, from my perspective, the goal shouldn't be to somehow ensure that we never ever go an a date with someone dysfunctional (the problem often won't show right away anyway) but to learn what we value and what we don't.....what is okay to accept and what is not. Does that make any sense to others? Perhaps I am rambling...I feel a bit raggedy today from depression.

I suppose my main point is that when the focus of our thoughts and analysis is all on the abuser and his pathology or on the possible pathology of future partners, I think we are focusing on the wrong person. Take a high level of narcissism for example. If you really value and honor yourself, and you find yourself dating someone who doesn't consider or value your feelings....you won't stay, right? Hours and hours of research on NPD wouldn't actually lead you to that point though.

Last edited by SilverTrees; 05-02-2019 at 05:00 PM.
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Old 05-02-2019, 05:11 PM #10
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Awesome post @SilverTrees.

This is exactly how I see it too. I actually wish the guy I had married had been not just financially irresponsible & didn't just have a personality that came across many times as "what in the #@[[ is wrong with you". I recognized abuse & controlling guys & totally stayed away from them all my life.....but subtle stuff that was just "not quite normal" but totally messed up life was harder to recognize because it wasn't intentional emotional abuse either though that is how it came across many times.

When I had enough to where I could not tolerate any more & gave up on the possibility of therapy being able to fix his problem I LEFT. Takes courage for sure moving as far away as I did & not knowing anyone where I moved to.....but a wonderful chance to start life all over at 54.
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