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Default May 05, 2019 at 06:26 PM
  #1
In my 20s and 30s, I dated men who would start with a pattern of verbal abuse that eventually led to each of them physically abusing me:

-alcoholic who would show up to my work bldg., when I was leaving for the day, who would grab my arm and pull me, try to strangle me at night while we slept, or slap me

-physical abuser guy first love bombed me, then in public would haul off and hit me across the face and walk ahead of me and not wait for me

-borderline bipolar guy would rant and rave and verbally abuse me and grab me

-guy who called me a psycho after he grabbed my arm when I called him out for doing it

Those are 3 examples of more than a few 'wrong' types of guys I dated. Recently, I met this guy through another acquaintance and the two times we've hung out, I initiated b/c it's pretty one-sided on his part (he has a harem of women 'friends' aka ex-girlfriends b/c he's a divorced single dad with a college age child) and he is a raging, and I mean, raging alcoholic.

We went to see a move recently and before the movie I told him that I get pretty excited and like to react out loud. I explained that I normally don't go to movies with guys anymore b/c I don't like being controlled or told how to behave by a guy. He assured me he wouldn't act that way but he did.

During a really exciting part of suspense, I let out a "Oh my god!" comment and he grabbed my right arm which triggered me.

What I wanted to do: jump up, slap him, and scream bloody murder at him for triggering my past physical abuse. What I did: pulled my arm away, glared at him, shifted in my seat to sit farther away from him and stayed silent the rest of the movie.

He told me he grabbed my arm at that moment, b/c he wanted to be closer to me. Of course I don't believe that b/c that's not how you treat someone you want to be closer to. I could see if he put his arm around me, but he grabbed my right arm when I made that loud comment at a suspenseful moment in the movie. I would never just grab someone like that, especially someone I barely know. It's about boundaries for me. I feel like he intentionally invaded my boundaries and was trying to control me, trying to signal me to be quiet by grabbing my arm.

So far, from what I know of his personality and from what our mutual acquaintance told me about him; he's very passive aggressive and has a lot of emotion bubbling under the surface. He comes across as passive but his true nature is one of aggression. I caught a glimpse of that, when he grabbed my arm.

Another person I told this story to, thinks I'm overreacting but my gut told me, his grabbing my arm like that was his way to try to abuse and control me; a highlight of what would be to come if I continued to throw away my time towards investing in a guy who is drunk 24/7 already, stuffs his feelings with alcohol, has a harem of ex-girlfriends and sends women like me whom he barely knows, bed-selfies (him drunk in bed, fully clothed, telling me that he finds me attractive but I know he's sloshed 100%).

I wanted to confront him after the movie but I chickened out b/c I don't know him well. He invited me back to his house and I said no. He ignored it and suggested I visit his house when his child (a college student) comes back to visit for the summer.

Also, when I told him what one of my hobbies was, he countered, "I can't see you doing that, really." All the red flags point to him probably being an abuser but I don't really know him.

I'm still freaked out a week later about the way he grabbed my arm b/c it brought back all the times I've been physically abused.

Does your past physical abuse still get triggered? How do you bring it up when the person triggers it by touching you or saying something to you that a former abuser used to say?
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Default May 06, 2019 at 09:33 AM
  #2
yes, my past abuse still gets triggered.

if people say/ do things a former abuser did, I usually shut them out- I know it's not really the right way to do it, but it's the easiest for me to handle

I get veryp aronoyed around people who I think might be displaying "abusive behaviour", behaviour my past abusers have shown

most times they arn't abusers, it's my anxiety running away with me. but you can never be sure
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Default May 06, 2019 at 10:44 AM
  #3
Oh blanche- dont doubt yourself. It is weird that he grabbed your arm and he may have meant nothing by it but you told him ahead of time and you would think he would keep that in mind. I get triggered the most by smells. Once I met the father of a friend who wore old spice and I had to literally sit down on the curb under the guise of "feeling dizzy" because I couldnt deal with the smell due to past abuse. I met and married my husband young so my abusive boyfriends were short lived events and most of my abuse history is based on childhood issues. But when I have seen really intense yelling and fighting I feel like my flight or fright mechanism is broken because I freeze.

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Default May 06, 2019 at 12:17 PM
  #4
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Originally Posted by raging vortex View Post
yes, my past abuse still gets triggered.

if people say/ do things a former abuser did, I usually shut them out- I know it's not really the right way to do it, but it's the easiest for me to handle

I get very annoyed around people who I think might be displaying "abusive behaviour", my past abusers have shown most times they aren't abusers, it's my anxiety running away with me. but you can never be sure
I actually think it's smart to shut people out when their actions or words trigger past abuse. Abuse follows the same patterns, so I don't think you should be so hard on yourself raging vortex when you pull away.

I actually think anxiety as a reaction is our warning sign to ourself, that the person has abusive tendencies, and so our anxious response is a way to alert ourselves that we need to stay away from the person.

Abusers are wolves in sheep's clothing. A lot of abusers don't wear their abusive behaviors on their sleeves, so to speak. They blend in and try to camouflage if they are verbal or physical abusers.

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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Oh blanche- dont doubt yourself. It is weird that he grabbed your arm and he may have meant nothing by it but you told him ahead of time and you would think he would keep that in mind. I get triggered the most by smells. Once I met the father of a friend who wore old spice and I had to literally sit down on the curb under the guise of "feeling dizzy" because I couldnt deal with the smell due to past abuse. I met and married my husband young so my abusive boyfriends were short lived events and most of my abuse history is based on childhood issues. But when I have seen really intense yelling and fighting I feel like my flight or fright mechanism is broken because I freeze.
Thanks sarashweets. It is TOTALLY WEIRD that he grabbed my arm the way he did. I've never ever had anyone grab me during a movie like this guy did.

And you're right -- he totally dismissed my pre-emptive message to him about NOT trying to force me to be quiet. I literally wrote him a message that I tend to be loud during movies and react when I get excited and that I was willing to sit away from him if it bothers him.

So, for him to ignore that information and still grab me, made me queasy b/c it shows me that he really doesn't respect me. And for him to know of my abuse history with guys and still grab me, well, that speaks volumes to me.

Why do you think he made such a lame excuse of "I just wanted to be closer to you" which is such a weird, icky thing to say to someone. And his drunk bed selfies on FB of him clothed in bed at 2 a.m. I mean, yuck. Who does that? He's 44 for god sake.

Thanks for sharing your story about your friend's dad and how the scent of his cologne triggered your memories of your own abuse experiences before you got married.

I think scent is definitely a strong trigger, in addition to auditory (sound) and sensory (touch) triggers and obviously verbal triggers (speech patterns, words).
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Default May 07, 2019 at 01:45 PM
  #5
I agree about abusers being wolves in sheeps clothing

My past abuse (psychological, physical etc) does still get triggered. I’m getting better at shutting out abusive individuals or those who strongly remind me of past abusers.


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Default May 12, 2019 at 01:01 AM
  #6
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Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche View Post
In my 20s and 30s, I dated men who would start with a pattern of verbal abuse that eventually led to each of them physically abusing me:

-alcoholic who would show up to my work bldg., when I was leaving for the day, who would grab my arm and pull me, try to strangle me at night while we slept, or slap me

-physical abuser guy first love bombed me, then in public would haul off and hit me across the face and walk ahead of me and not wait for me

-borderline bipolar guy would rant and rave and verbally abuse me and grab me

-guy who called me a psycho after he grabbed my arm when I called him out for doing it

Those are 3 examples of more than a few 'wrong' types of guys I dated. Recently, I met this guy through another acquaintance and the two times we've hung out, I initiated b/c it's pretty one-sided on his part (he has a harem of women 'friends' aka ex-girlfriends b/c he's a divorced single dad with a college age child) and he is a raging, and I mean, raging alcoholic.

We went to see a move recently and before the movie I told him that I get pretty excited and like to react out loud. I explained that I normally don't go to movies with guys anymore b/c I don't like being controlled or told how to behave by a guy. He assured me he wouldn't act that way but he did.

During a really exciting part of suspense, I let out a "Oh my god!" comment and he grabbed my right arm which triggered me.

What I wanted to do: jump up, slap him, and scream bloody murder at him for triggering my past physical abuse. What I did: pulled my arm away, glared at him, shifted in my seat to sit farther away from him and stayed silent the rest of the movie.

He told me he grabbed my arm at that moment, b/c he wanted to be closer to me. Of course I don't believe that b/c that's not how you treat someone you want to be closer to. I could see if he put his arm around me, but he grabbed my right arm when I made that loud comment at a suspenseful moment in the movie. I would never just grab someone like that, especially someone I barely know. It's about boundaries for me. I feel like he intentionally invaded my boundaries and was trying to control me, trying to signal me to be quiet by grabbing my arm.

So far, from what I know of his personality and from what our mutual acquaintance told me about him; he's very passive aggressive and has a lot of emotion bubbling under the surface. He comes across as passive but his true nature is one of aggression. I caught a glimpse of that, when he grabbed my arm.

Another person I told this story to, thinks I'm overreacting but my gut told me, his grabbing my arm like that was his way to try to abuse and control me; a highlight of what would be to come if I continued to throw away my time towards investing in a guy who is drunk 24/7 already, stuffs his feelings with alcohol, has a harem of ex-girlfriends and sends women like me whom he barely knows, bed-selfies (him drunk in bed, fully clothed, telling me that he finds me attractive but I know he's sloshed 100%).

I wanted to confront him after the movie but I chickened out b/c I don't know him well. He invited me back to his house and I said no. He ignored it and suggested I visit his house when his child (a college student) comes back to visit for the summer.

Also, when I told him what one of my hobbies was, he countered, "I can't see you doing that, really." All the red flags point to him probably being an abuser but I don't really know him.

I'm still freaked out a week later about the way he grabbed my arm b/c it brought back all the times I've been physically abused.

Does your past physical abuse still get triggered? How do you bring it up when the person triggers it by touching you or saying something to you that a former abuser used to say?
Abuse leaves psychological scars. Those scars can and do heal - but they never completely go away. What that means is, there will always be moments that we get triggered (even if only momentarily and in a small degree) or are more overly cautious than those who have never been abused. That extends to all forms of abuse - physical and otherwise.

The thing to do though, is to try to understand: was it just a trigger?

To do that you must analyze the situation from a non-judgemental perspective (meaning without putting your own emotional judgement into it as being the definite conclusion until all options have been explored).

In this situation.

You screamed, he grabbed your arm

You flashed to other moments in your past - and became concerned this is a precursor of controlling/abusive behaviour

He says it was meant as an affectionate action.

Question 1 - was the grip tight n rough .. or loose n playful?

Question 2 - if you looked at him n were able to see, did he appear angry at all?

Question 3 - when it happened, were you thinking of him doing this or remembering the ways others had treated you in past relationships before they became abusive?

Next thing that happened - he said he could not see you doing the thing you said was your favorite.

It is one possibility he is controlling.

Other possibilities:
He was truly taken by surprise.
He didn't know what to say.

Anytime someone is an addict of anything, it is a red flag. For me - that would be the determining factor at this stage. His alcoholism. "Am I willing to accept that?" Or "Should I tell him I cannot have him.around me when he is drunk? (And demand he respect that)"

As far as telling him about your triggers - as they come up, as this one did .. if you truly decide you are interested in continuing the relationship.. just tell him you have had issues with past relationships that involved things that were not so pleasant, and some things bring up those memories and you react to the memories .. and the (event that occurred) is one of those things
If he asks for more details - tell him what you are comfortable with.. if he questions past that, just say "I'm sorry, I can't go into it further now ... it's too painful.."

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Default May 12, 2019 at 04:40 AM
  #7
I get triggered because of my past physical abuse ALL THE TIME. This morning my daughter pulled my headphone ear plug out of my ear unexpectedly. I reacted as though I was being physically attacked - out of proportion anger, attack posture, full-on adrenaline pounding reaction. It took me a while to calm down from that one and it really upset my daughter too.
My daughter later came up to me and gave me a hug,. As she did she accidentally pulled my top back so that it was taut against my neck. I had an instant flashback of being strangled and reacted accordingly (upsetting my daughter again, although that reaction is a really common one from her hugs and I think she really should know better, although another part of me realizes she is just desperately seeking human connection with a human being who really struggles to give it).
This afternoon my cat jumped from a window ledge from the floor, in my peripheral vision. I also reacted then as though I was about to be whacked across the head.
The other day I was walking down the hallway with a colleague, and she-knows-better-but-forgot-this-time put her arm around my shoulders. I just felt the touch on the shoulder opposite from her and reacted as though I was about to be attacked from behind - I leaped away and turned in an instant with a fight pose to "face the attacker" while my colleague instantly realised her mistake and vehemently apologized.

These kinds of triggers happen every day. This is why I don't do people.
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Default May 12, 2019 at 02:21 PM
  #8
My physical abuse gets triggered all the time. After years of abuse, the scars don’t go away but fade slowly. A couple of days ago, I was taking the city bus with a friend, and we were sitting across each other close to the back of the bus. He put his foot on the chair next to me a bit too fast and I jumped and screamed a little. For a second, I thought I was getting kicked. He thought it was funny and I tried to act as if it was something funny but it triggered all the kicks I got growing up. Movies or TV shows also trigger my physical pain and I sometimes feel the pain and humiliation.
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