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Unhappy May 17, 2019 at 09:44 PM
  #1
I need some insight from anyone else who has knowledge of this topic or has experience this. May be you could answer this.

*Warning this may trigger some people. *

So I've been going to therapy for a long time.
When I was about 3 to 7 I went and saw a speech therapist and a psychologist because I struggle to understand what people were saying to me or expressing myself.

At age 10 I went to therapy again and was daignose with OCD.
At age 20 went back to therapy to treat ocd.
Then age 26 onwards I was daignose with border line personaitly disorder.

So I've been seeing my therapist for 2 years now. Before I had a previous therapist that was a student for two years and wow! I have never experienced going down hill in therapy. But it was really bad. Increased self harm, increased suicide thoughts. Increase anxiety to the point I lost weight because I was so anxious I struggled to eat. It even affected my immunity so I was constantly having you know thrush down stairs. And colds.
Well when I have changed of therapist suddenly no more thrush downstairs and my immuntiy became stronger and I have stopped self harming over a year and a bit. So it is amazing how a change of therapist can do wonders.

So that's roughly my background.

Now issue at hand.

I brought up a topic in therapy to my therapist. About my porn addiction and me watching lesbian porn. I went on about she knew this as I've said it before to her. But I will say it here, since you guys wouldnt know. But at the age of 14 I looked porn online. Then about 15 , I had a dream were I was standing opposite beds from this friend who is a girl. We were naked and we were looking at each other naked and our parts , but didnt touch or anything. I felt guitly having this dream and told my friend how I had this dream about her. She freaked out and told everyone I was gay. I even believed I was gay. Because it was a all girl catholic school. There wasnt the opposite sex to know. It got so bad the bullying. I had to change schools and went to public school and well I kinda realise I wasnt gay because I was automatically attracted to men not women. I found myself focusing myself to be attracted to girls.

So anyway I mentioned that and I told her how I remember I use to masterbate a lot on a pillow even below the age of 5. She asked if I reached orgasim at below age of 5. I said yes. She said that is unusual. I mention how I use to masterbate on the pillow at home in the living room and my parents told me off and got rid of the pillow and called what I was doing was "RUDE". My parents would say to me "Dont do rude". I didnt even understood what I was doing. Or why.
I would even at the age if 4 would have sexual thoughts of my favourite cartoon characters on tv.

Then suddenly told her! My therapist. I said to her a couple years ago how my mum told me I got this masterbate pillow idea from my cousin. Who is a girl and is 3 years older than me.

So my therapist suspects if I might've been sexual abused. When she suggest this idea. It scared me. I had hot flash on my cheeks and felt very fearful. I dont know why I feel that way.
She suggested for me to ask my mum about it.

So I asked my mum about it. She told me I told her. Below the age of 5, my mum asked why I masterbate on the pillow and I told my mum "Because my cousin told me too"

What's freaky. Is my mum and dad suspected mư mum's oldest brother was sexual abused at a boarding all boys school. How he ran away from school and to his aunts house. Well my mum mentioned he ended up hospital to get help in phobias of crowds of people or public. I have heard if people have been sexual abused that they developed such things. Well he became a heavy alcoholic and eventually over came that later in life.
But his daughter is my cousin!
So where did she learnt this? She has issues too. She had eating disoder once ended up in hospital as a kid. She still has issues drinks too much and take drugs.

So I know this is all assumptions. If my mum's brother was sexual abused. But I do wonder if my cousin may been abused by her father or some werido. Maybe why she told me to ride on a pillow.

I dont even remember the memory at all! But my mum remembers me telling her how my cousin told me too. But my mum doesnt remembers anything else. So I dont even know if I was even sexual abused or I have a suppress memory or what.

I do appreciate you reading this and taking your time to read this. Thank you.
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Default Jul 01, 2019 at 09:31 PM
  #2
Quote:
Originally Posted by TeaFruit View Post
I need some insight from anyone else who has knowledge of this topic or has experience this. May be you could answer this.

*Warning this may trigger some people. *

So I've been going to therapy for a long time.
When I was about 3 to 7 I went and saw a speech therapist and a psychologist because I struggle to understand what people were saying to me or expressing myself.

At age 10 I went to therapy again and was daignose with OCD.
At age 20 went back to therapy to treat ocd.
Then age 26 onwards I was daignose with border line personaitly disorder.

So I've been seeing my therapist for 2 years now. Before I had a previous therapist that was a student for two years and wow! I have never experienced going down hill in therapy. But it was really bad. Increased self harm, increased suicide thoughts. Increase anxiety to the point I lost weight because I was so anxious I struggled to eat. It even affected my immunity so I was constantly having you know thrush down stairs. And colds.
Well when I have changed of therapist suddenly no more thrush downstairs and my immuntiy became stronger and I have stopped self harming over a year and a bit. So it is amazing how a change of therapist can do wonders.

So that's roughly my background.

Now issue at hand.

I brought up a topic in therapy to my therapist. About my porn addiction and me watching lesbian porn. I went on about she knew this as I've said it before to her. But I will say it here, since you guys wouldnt know. But at the age of 14 I looked porn online. Then about 15 , I had a dream were I was standing opposite beds from this friend who is a girl. We were naked and we were looking at each other naked and our parts , but didnt touch or anything. I felt guitly having this dream and told my friend how I had this dream about her. She freaked out and told everyone I was gay. I even believed I was gay. Because it was a all girl catholic school. There wasnt the opposite sex to know. It got so bad the bullying. I had to change schools and went to public school and well I kinda realise I wasnt gay because I was automatically attracted to men not women. I found myself focusing myself to be attracted to girls.

So anyway I mentioned that and I told her how I remember I use to masterbate a lot on a pillow even below the age of 5. She asked if I reached orgasim at below age of 5. I said yes. She said that is unusual. I mention how I use to masterbate on the pillow at home in the living room and my parents told me off and got rid of the pillow and called what I was doing was "RUDE". My parents would say to me "Dont do rude". I didnt even understood what I was doing. Or why.
I would even at the age if 4 would have sexual thoughts of my favourite cartoon characters on tv.

Then suddenly told her! My therapist. I said to her a couple years ago how my mum told me I got this masterbate pillow idea from my cousin. Who is a girl and is 3 years older than me.

So my therapist suspects if I might've been sexual abused. When she suggest this idea. It scared me. I had hot flash on my cheeks and felt very fearful. I dont know why I feel that way.
She suggested for me to ask my mum about it.

So I asked my mum about it. She told me I told her. Below the age of 5, my mum asked why I masterbate on the pillow and I told my mum "Because my cousin told me too"

What's freaky. Is my mum and dad suspected mư mum's oldest brother was sexual abused at a boarding all boys school. How he ran away from school and to his aunts house. Well my mum mentioned he ended up hospital to get help in phobias of crowds of people or public. I have heard if people have been sexual abused that they developed such things. Well he became a heavy alcoholic and eventually over came that later in life.
But his daughter is my cousin!
So where did she learnt this? She has issues too. She had eating disoder once ended up in hospital as a kid. She still has issues drinks too much and take drugs.

So I know this is all assumptions. If my mum's brother was sexual abused. But I do wonder if my cousin may been abused by her father or some werido. Maybe why she told me to ride on a pillow.

I dont even remember the memory at all! But my mum remembers me telling her how my cousin told me too. But my mum doesnt remembers anything else. So I dont even know if I was even sexual abused or I have a suppress memory or what.

I do appreciate you reading this and taking your time to read this. Thank you.
I think it possible! Have you tried working with a sexual assault therapist?
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