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Anonymous43949
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Default May 22, 2019 at 10:56 PM
  #1
I know the cycle is same...

The abuser becomes increasingly arrogant and bullies you

but when the really hard time comes in her life, she becomes nice because she needs you (i.e. she has no choice)

You see her sulking and feel bad for her and reach out to her

And as soon as things start getting better (such as recovering from an illness),

she is back to her old, arrogant-abusive self again, bullying you.

And you regret giving her access to you once again by reaching out to her.

Yeah, I've been there more than once.

And yet, I see her going through hard time again, and feel sorry for her again...

...but I need to protect myself.

I was listening to a story about a woman who rescued a poor snake in the frost, and warmed him up by the fireplace. But when he woke up, he bit her, returning harm for her kindness.

I don't think this is a true story but a metaphor. Abusers are like that. They seem so harmless when they are down.

I need to remind myself that she will bite again. Please help me to snap out of my sympathy mode for her, as I am struggling.
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Default May 22, 2019 at 11:14 PM
  #2
Thank you for sharing and sorry you are struggling Ennie.

I have some questions....

when you reach out to this person again (against your instinct) what are you hoping for? Try to be very specific...if you reach out, there is something for yourself you are seeking. That could be many things....a connection, feeling good for helping, avoiding the anxiety or guilt of not reaching out.

You certainly don't have to answer here but I think the key to your struggle could be on focusing on you rather than her....what is it that you feel right before, or during, the reaching out part. If you know what that is, that might be the beginning of letting go and freedom.

here are some very interesting ideas from a physician on saying no and the impact on health. It helped me to listen to him. I hope it helps you If you do watch, I hope you make it the whole way through....he starts out with problems but also mentions hope for feeling better.

The Need For Authenticity - Dr. Gabor Mate
YouTube

Perhaps like many of us, in the situation you outlined above you, you are wrestling with attachment versus authenticity?
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