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Default May 30, 2019 at 10:39 AM
  #21
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Originally Posted by Poiuytl View Post
I come from a dysfunctional family, in which alcoholism and abuse have played significant roles. I have been a victim in many ways, but I am deeply conscious of how I myself have been formed by abuse and my stress, my coping mechanisms etc. have been perceived by people I loved as abusive.

I have had many frightening experiences with drinkers. Drunken people can be the most horrible people on earth. I am now visiting regularly a group of abstaining alcoholics. I am a bit of a curious figure, because I have mental problems, but am not an alcoholic, but I fell drawn to this circle, and always feel better and a little bit happier after the 90 minutes I have spent with them.

I feel like I am among the most gentle people on earth, there. It has something to do with being repentant, I think, and also the true nature and history of abuse of most alcoholics. By seeing the error in their former ways, they also learn to grapple all questions of guilt and abuse for the first time in their lives, I feel. I have no trouble believing that you are now a person who found her self, and a person to turn to, if one wants to experience relieve of pain instead of more pain and abuse.

@Poiuytl

I thank you for your kind words! I am happy you have a wonderful group to enjoy and benefit from!!

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Default May 30, 2019 at 10:41 AM
  #22
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Originally Posted by Fuzzybear View Post
Thanks for sharing Happy Crafter. I’ve been bullied by many. From early cub hood onwards CPTSD and Social anxiety I have doesn’t help The abuse in your childhood (and mine) was not your fault (and the abuse in my childhood wasn’t my fault ) I agree you did the right thing going into therapy. I’m very happy that therapy helped you. I’m sending hugs and kind thoughts
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Thank you! I am sending you hugs and kind thoughts as well!

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Default May 30, 2019 at 10:44 AM
  #23
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Originally Posted by ennie View Post
What happened in your child was not your fault. You did the right thing as an adult by seeking therapy.
@ennie

Thank you for your feedback! I did not know how to manage my life successfully then. I sought relief; that is also why I drank and drugged. I am grateful to be an American and live in the US for many reasons, including the access to the social services I needed to get better.

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Default May 30, 2019 at 11:26 AM
  #24
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Originally Posted by HappyCrafter View Post
@ennie

Thank you for your feedback! I did not know how to manage my life successfully then. I sought relief; that is also why I drank and drugged. I am grateful to be an American and live in the US for many reasons, including the access to the social services I needed to get better.
Hey Happy Crafter,
I have to admit that in some (many?) ways I wish I lived in the USA rather than on the other side of the pond...
I have tried many times to find effective help or support for my CPTSD, GAD, major depression, social anxiety ... etc .... but in this particular forest .... I have not found what was or is offered of any help, in fact it has had a negative effect. I’m not putting the blame on me or on “them” .. it is what it is and I have to “deal” with it. I guess tbh the main reason now I don’t insist they help me is because I fear
traumatising my papa bear (my husband) as my CPTSD has already been made worse by the type of help offered ... and their labels. Sorry if this is negative or “whiny” - your post about being an American got me thinking.

I’m trying to heal by other methods, “self help” .. and “self care” which I am not good at

I’m sending hugs and positive thoughts, thanks so much for sharing

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Default May 31, 2019 at 01:27 PM
  #25
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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Happy crafter when I first read this I thought: " I am an alcoholic in recovery and I was not a bully..." but then I had to think about it for a minute. The chaos I brought with me was the same as bullying. Accusing my husband of dumping my alcohol when I had forgotten where I hid it or drank it up, fighting, letting my middle daughter get in the middle of our fights. Taking off when I didnt get my way, spending money we didnt have on alcohol, the lying. It was emotional bullying. There was no physical violence but I attribute that to my gentle husband. Any other man might have lost it with me. Making the whole family revolve around my self centered needs, it was all a form of emotional hijacking/bullying. I have made amends for my behavior and apart from the sincere apologies I try to make living amends by showing them I am not the same person I used to be. For me that involved AA but its not that way for everyone. I know that I have traumatized them all in some way and my middle daughter especially has her own addiction problems. I mostly let go of the guilt because it serves no real purpose other than making me feel like garbage, and I am so grateful that I have been forgiven but no one was under any obligation to forgive me. I hurt many people and I am glad that I have been given the opportunity to show I am not like that anymore. Part of me wishes it have never happened but I am such a different person now part of me wonders if I would have gotten to this point without all that strife. I love who I am now. And I am fairly sure they love me for who I have become now. But I wish I could have avoided causing all that pain to get here. I always thought of bullying in a different way until I read this thread and now I realize that I was a bully too. Thank you for sharing this.
@sarahsweets



Good for you for developing your self-awareness and taking the steps to get better. I am glad your family stood by you and are seeing your changes.

I agree on AA not being for everyone. I needed one on one therapy, plus hypnotherapy because the roots of my issues were deep and padlocked in place. But every tear I shed and every issues I pounded away about on my computer helps me continue to improve. I am grateful for the work I can do on my own.

On the pain we cause, girl, I hear you loud and clear. There are so many things I have done I wish I could go back and change. So, making amends is the path to make the best out of that possible so I keep my side of the street clean.

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Default May 31, 2019 at 07:00 PM
  #26
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Originally Posted by SilverTrees View Post
Dear Happy Crafter and Skeezyks,

I had tears in my eyes when I read your poignant notes on this thread. I am deeply struck by your candor, courage, and resilience.

Like you Skeeyzks, I too am an atheist. And I just want to share my own personal world view. I believe that every human has value. It is of no more or less value compared to any other human. We all came from stardust.
This does not change with external behavior. Whether egregious or otherwise. I can find it within my atheist spirit (I believe there is such a thing, unrelated to religion or a god) to find compassion for any person.

I do not share about my work on PC for several reasons. But I want to say that I have met and cared for humans whose histories would likely make a lot of people feel fearful or enraged or disturbed. I looked for light in each of them. Most of the time, I found some light. When I could not find any light, I still wished them peace.

My father's behavior was appalling. He enjoyed tormenting myself and my siblings. He smiled each time he felt a victory by frightening us or making us feel like nothing. He lived out his days in deep bitterness and rage. I separated myself from him for many years before he died. But when he was dying, I consulted with a pharmacist and MD to give him an anxiety med because I knew he'd be terrified in the hospital. And I knew he would never ask for it himself. Nobody should have to die in fear or unmanaged pain, not even a man who abused his wife and children for most of his life. I flew a long way and sat next to him while his life ended. I carried him in his coffin on his final journey to the grave. I did not love him. I did not even like him on a basic level. But I was able to wish him a peaceful death. Not as a loving daughter, but simply as a human. My life has no more or less value than the life of my father.

For me, it truly does not matter what either one of you has done in your past. I still firmly believe that you deserve peace in your present and future. You are sincerely two of the brightest lights I have encountered on PC. Both of you have made me smile and brought me solace including on some of my darkest days. Your pasts simply cannot erase that.

I have no idea why I exist. But I feel quite sure that it is not my purpose on Earth to decide who is worthy of peace and who is not. Therefore, my default is that everyone deserves peace. Including people who have done some terrible things in their lives.

"There are no good people and bad people. There are only joyful people and miserable people. Each of us is perpetually oscillating between darkness and light."
- Sadhguru

(Ps. I only combined this message for both of you because I am sad and tired this eve but wanted to reach out....I still respect you as individuals)

@SilverTrees



You have risen above the monstrosities done to you. I see your purpose here. You are always kind, gentle and comforting. Do you stay in touch with any of your siblings? Warm hugs and kisses to you, babes.

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Default May 31, 2019 at 07:20 PM
  #27
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Originally Posted by TunedOut View Post
SilverTrees, for being tired, these are some really good quotes.

Yes, Happy Crafter and Skeezyks bring so much good to PC. I remember that Skeezyks was the first one to send me a welcome message when I joined in 2016. I remember when HappyCrafter asked me to be a friend under a different username.

There are many good people here at PC. Many of us are trying to overcome trauma, gain understanding, connect to others, vent frustrations and so much more.

I understand what it is to be ashamed. I didn't protect my children adequately at times. I bumbled so much and am still bumbling things. I am still trying to help them recover but it is much harder when you miss opportunities. I can forgive myself if I make amends. I feel good about myself when I do the right thing but it is so important to reach out for help from others when you are overwhelmed. So many of us lead isolated lives and the little spark we can sometimes give each other can make us see more clearly a better path.

Peace to all.
@TunedOut,

I can relate to the bumbling and I still bumble too! Are you children learning about recovery and how it can help them better themselves? xoxoxoxox

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Default Jun 01, 2019 at 06:28 AM
  #28
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Originally Posted by HappyCrafter View Post
@TunedOut,

I can relate to the bumbling and I still bumble too! Are you children learning about recovery and how it can help them better themselves? xoxoxoxox
Am trying not to get too specific about my children but one finally agreed to go to therapy. I want that child to select the therapist. I feel like it is important that they have some control over the process. Still much to do to help them--I try to be a good listener and that motivates me to take my medications because I am not as patient without my meds. I have to keep in mind what they have been through when the interactions are rough. Thanks for your concern.
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Default Jun 01, 2019 at 06:48 AM
  #29
@TunedOut

You are welcome! I hear you about your children. Good for you on learning better ways to manage yourself and taking better care of your babies!!

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Default Jun 01, 2019 at 07:30 AM
  #30
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Originally Posted by HappyCrafter View Post
@TunedOut

You are welcome! I hear you about your children. Good for you on learning better ways to manage yourself and taking better care of your babies!!
Thanks for the encouragement. I do not want to reveal too much but don't want the abuse to be mischaracterized. The abuse was that their father operated in an authoritarian way when they got older (5th/6th grade on) while I catered to their every need (I was spoiled by my father who gave me unconditional love no matter how out of line I acted while my mother was more authoritarian--I tried to parent as my dad parented me) but also had untreated depression and anxiety (have a diagnosis of Bipolar 2 as well but unsure about that one). This had to be very confusing for them. We constantly sent mixed messages. I first went to a psychiatrist when they were both in high school. Our family was very isolated (I still really don't have any IRL friends) because my FOO was on the other side of the country and his mother was two states away. I even homeschooled one of the children for a while because I couldn't stand it when his father yelled for getting bad grades (middle school). My mental illness would cause me to be paranoid of their father and I taught that to our children too.

The above paragraph makes it sound like I am not still married to him. I am. We are TRYING to get on the same page in regards to helping them. When you are married, it is impossible to accomplish much when you don't communicate openly and work together. When my mental illness is untreated, it makes it harder for me to work through these issues so I am accepting and following to a greater extent the advice of my psychiatrist and therapist. I have been confronting my husband more about what is bothering me. I can handle confrontations better when taking my medications. I can't help my children without treating my mental illness. When I don't treat it, my anxiety makes me bumble more because I end up being guided by emotions and fear.

Last edited by TunedOut; Jun 01, 2019 at 07:53 AM..
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Default Jun 01, 2019 at 10:31 AM
  #31
I don't share about some aspects of my past because of this section of the community guidelines

Quote:
"Pedophiles, rapists, and others that have abused another individual physically, psychologically, emotionally or sexually (generally real or acted-upon) are not welcome here because our focus is on support for victims of such abuse; the two are not compatible with one another. Exceptions can be made on a case-by-case basis."
It's that others that have abused another individual part.

I see most of the posts on PC are about being a victim of abuse but I think it is also common for victims to become abusers at times themselves. And not taking responsibility for one's actions limits the kind of recovery an individual can have because the character defects that drove them to behave that way are not ever addressed.

Instead people remain stuck in perpetual victimhood, when in fact they can also be perpetrators of abuse.

I wouldn't post here about my own experience because I am afraid of getting kicked off pc or being judged, but I admire the courage it takes to admit to being a bully.

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Default Jun 01, 2019 at 12:28 PM
  #32
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Originally Posted by Fuzzybear View Post
Hey Happy Crafter,
I have to admit that in some (many?) ways I wish I lived in the USA rather than on the other side of the pond...
I have tried many times to find effective help or support for my CPTSD, GAD, major depression, social anxiety ... etc .... but in this particular forest .... I have not found what was or is offered of any help, in fact it has had a negative effect. I’m not putting the blame on me or on “them” .. it is what it is and I have to “deal” with it. I guess tbh the main reason now I don’t insist they help me is because I fear
traumatising my papa bear (my husband) as my CPTSD has already been made worse by the type of help offered ... and their labels. Sorry if this is negative or “whiny” - your post about being an American got me thinking.

I’m trying to heal by other methods, “self help” .. and “self care” which I am not good at

I’m sending hugs and positive thoughts, thanks so much for sharing
@Fuzzybear

Not whinny or negative. You are being honest. I wish you could find the therapists to help you better. I wish I could help you somehow. I send you hugs and positive thoughts too, babes. xoxoxoxox

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Default Jun 01, 2019 at 12:42 PM
  #33
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Originally Posted by tecomsin View Post
I don't share about some aspects of my past because of this section of the community guidelines


It's that others that have abused another individual part.

I see most of the posts on PC are about being a victim of abuse but I think it is also common for victims to become abusers at times themselves. And not taking responsibility for one's actions limits the kind of recovery an individual can have because the character defects that drove them to behave that way are not ever addressed.

Instead people remain stuck in perpetual victimhood, when in fact they can also be perpetrators of abuse.

I wouldn't post here about my own experience because I am afraid of getting kicked off pc or being judged, but I admire the courage it takes to admit to being a bully.
@tecomsin

I thank you for your kind words. You know, I didn't even think about my topic not being allowed. I feel so much remorse about how I abused people and am working hard to understand and heal that ugly part of my life. If folks benefit along the way, then I am all for it.

But, I hear you loud and clear. And I agree, I know I was a victim because my family bullied me and bullying is what I learned. And I know, as well as I think you must too, that there is no telling how high the numbers must be of bullies. They aren't only online, in our schools and workplaces. They are everywhere, plus bullying exists in plants and animals.

I read that bullies are raised but I can't help but wonder if there isn't some genetic connection somewhere.

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You are the only you,
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Reach for YOUR stars.


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Default Jun 01, 2019 at 12:50 PM
  #34
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Originally Posted by TunedOut View Post
Thanks for the encouragement. I do not want to reveal too much but don't want the abuse to be mischaracterized. The abuse was that their father operated in an authoritarian way when they got older (5th/6th grade on) while I catered to their every need (I was spoiled by my father who gave me unconditional love no matter how out of line I acted while my mother was more authoritarian--I tried to parent as my dad parented me) but also had untreated depression and anxiety (have a diagnosis of Bipolar 2 as well but unsure about that one). This had to be very confusing for them. We constantly sent mixed messages. I first went to a psychiatrist when they were both in high school. Our family was very isolated (I still really don't have any IRL friends) because my FOO was on the other side of the country and his mother was two states away. I even homeschooled one of the children for a while because I couldn't stand it when his father yelled for getting bad grades (middle school). My mental illness would cause me to be paranoid of their father and I taught that to our children too.

The above paragraph makes it sound like I am not still married to him. I am. We are TRYING to get on the same page in regards to helping them. When you are married, it is impossible to accomplish much when you don't communicate openly and work together. When my mental illness is untreated, it makes it harder for me to work through these issues so I am accepting and following to a greater extent the advice of my psychiatrist and therapist. I have been confronting my husband more about what is bothering me. I can handle confrontations better when taking my medications. I can't help my children without treating my mental illness. When I don't treat it, my anxiety makes me bumble more because I end up being guided by emotions and fear.

@TunedOut

You have a lot going on there and it sounds like you are managing it well. I hear you on needing to make sure you take care of you so you can better be there for your family. I think some people never understand that, but it is the truth and so important.

Are you seeing improvements with your family? I am sorry you and your husband are having problems in this area. It's a tough one for sure, but once you get a handle on it, life becomes so much easier to manage because you have the skills to apply.


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Be true to you.

You are the only you,
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Reach for YOUR stars.


You can reach them better
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Default Jun 01, 2019 at 02:30 PM
  #35
I feel like my abusive behavior is related to both how I was raised and to an undiagnosed mental illness that manifested itself eventually at Bipolar 1 with psychosis in my mid 40s.

Not sure if I would call it bullying. Maybe it was.

I didn't know how to respect people's boundaries or have my own respected. But I would never write about some of the things i did here or anywhere on the internet.

there is also a lot of shame about that. Did you ever do a 12 step program?

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Trig Jun 01, 2019 at 02:46 PM
  #36
@tecomsin

I used to be terrified to even talk about how and who abused me. I first blogged about overcoming my fears I think in October 2012. It took me almost 7 full years of almost daily working on those fears to completely accept how they controlled my life to get free of them. My hypervigilence was like a noose around my neck.

For me, my mother and sisters taught me to be bullied, to bully plus to feel the controlling emotions like shame, humiliation, and so forth. Once I faced my emotions caught up in their lies and accepted them, my thinking began to straighten out and I felt less shame and humiliation.

I went to AA meetings for a while. I can't remember going through all 12 steps. One on one therapy helped me more than the aa meetings did. There were too many triggers in the meetings, plus I never knew who I was sitting next too. I never really felt safe there.

Did you do a 12 step program?

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Default Jun 01, 2019 at 03:48 PM
  #37
HappyCrafter,

The shame I am talking about is coming from the other side of the coin, from having abused others in the past and having nowhere to turn to, not even PC, because it is against the rules. At least that is how I read the community guidelines.

What I'm saying is many people will quite readily see themselves as victims (and once they were when they were children) but not as perpetrators. That's how the cycle can continue unabated.

Yes I do a 12 step program. It is called emotions anonymous. It helps me get through my days and face my character defects as well as strengths.

Can I ask you not to do that @ thing anymore as I get notifications for being 'mentioned' and it is just extra clicks for me as I will see your replies anyway.

Thanks,

tecomsin

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Default Jun 01, 2019 at 06:13 PM
  #38
Tecomsin, I will do my best to remember to not use the @, but my memory is dreadful and sometime in the future, I might slip up. But, I will try to remember that.

If you want to get rid of the shame or at least lower its hold on you, go to Creative Corner and read my chapters I posted there. I go over how I was abused and how I faced the emotions I inherited from my abusers that fueled my bullying behavior. There are three chapters there and they can be read in about 30 minutes, give or take.

I wish you the best always!! xoxoxoxox

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Default Jun 01, 2019 at 08:30 PM
  #39
I did have a look, HappyCrafter. I am sorry your mother was a psychopathic abuser. Unfortunately it doesn't help me to read of other people's abusive childhoods.

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Default Jun 02, 2019 at 01:33 AM
  #40
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyCrafter View Post
@TunedOut

You have a lot going on there and it sounds like you are managing it well. I hear you on needing to make sure you take care of you so you can better be there for your family. I think some people never understand that, but it is the truth and so important.

Are you seeing improvements with your family? I am sorry you and your husband are having problems in this area. It's a tough one for sure, but once you get a handle on it, life becomes so much easier to manage because you have the skills to apply.

I am managing myself better because I am in treatment but no one else is in our family. My husband and I went to a VA family therapist twice then when we were given the option to request a therapist in the community, we did and are still waiting on the authorization to go to someone else. Other things may be happening/moving this week but since they are about others, I shouldn't discuss. Thanks for your concern.
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