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Wise Elder
Member Since Oct 2017
Location: USA
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#21
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Travelinglady
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Member Since Feb 2020
Location: InMyHead
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#22
@PsychoPhil, I am sorry for what you have been through.
Mothers are particularly desperate, difficult topic to resolve with oneself. Sometimes such terrible tragedies, as was the death of your brother, magnify by thousand the abnormalities in family dynamics. It is very difficult to accept that the people who are our biological parents actually do not feel for us. Not only that they do not love us, they sometimes do not even perceive us enough to acknowledge that we have feelings and that we exist out of their narrow view of themselves. We are there to serve them, in their mind, and that is our sole purpose. My mother expected me to tend to her needs. To take care of her emotions. To be there for her. And I always was. At one point, it became clear to me that our whole relationship was based on her neediness, and not a single real two-way emotion between us. It took me a lot of courage to admit to myself that I actually do not love her. There was nothing within her to love her for. There was nothing to hold on to in my attempt to love her. She was, in a way, impossible to love, no matter how hard I tried. What I was doing for most of my life was filling in the gaps, producing the image of a "good enough" mom, first in order to survive my childhood filled with abuse in my primary family. I was attached to a mirage, and not a real person. When I finally could look objectively at this person who is my mother, I realized that she behaved with a lot of cruelty towards me, just as your mother was plain cruel to you, disrespectful to you as a person. You were just a child. Your parents did not take care of you as they should have had. They were more oriented at how others would perceive their parental role, than they were interested in really fulfilling that role. It is a terrible tragedy that happened to your brother, and it is a cruel and morbid thing that your mother did, by exposing you to what seems an inexplicable cruelty towards a child that you were. Believe me, if there were any justice, your mother should be terrified of you, and what she did to you, and not the other way round. I believe that the resolution is always in our hands, in particular when dealing with cold in-emphatic people such as your mother or mine. If you can find strength, deal with your own emotions of anger and rage at her for what she did to you. Deal for good with the image of a "good" mom, that obviously was never there for you. She will never hear you, or show any understanding for you, but if you feel like it, tell her - for your own sake - everything that you hold her responsible for. I hope you will find a way to curtail her power over you for good, because, to tell you the truth, she does not deserve to call you her child. Best of luck, A. |
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Member
Member Since Oct 2017
Location: Canada
Posts: 128
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#23
Thanks for your post PsychoPhil. I can totally relate to your post but my problem was with my sister. Toxic family dynamics are the worst because you have no where to go. I am still terrified of her. She was younger than me but managed to physically and emotionally (and at some level sexually) abuse me throughout my childhood and teenage years. She is still very controlling, has no empathy and bullies me when she can. I know if we are left together alone for two long, she would probably physically hurt me.
My recommendations are: (1)Therapy - it will really help if you get a good therapist; (2) No or very little contact. That also helps. I see her only during Christmas and Easter , which is too much. I am a wreck after these holidays. I have written to her to tell her about how she hurt me but never sent it to her. I think she would have really enjoyed knowing how much control she still has over me so I kept the letter to myself. |
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