At 53 still terrified of my mom

Hi -

been member of this forum for a while and shared some stories of my somewhat problematic youth. I'm now 53, moved out of my parent's home over 30 years ago, and am terrified of my mom even today. Last visit, everything still got worse and I might appreciate some advice.

Trigger warning this whole bit, it's awful but thanks in advance for reading and bearing with me---> !!

So my mom is an unstable person. I remember her as nice with some blackouts until I was about 8. After we moved cities she increasingly turned nasty and by the time I was 11 she favoured my two year older brother for his better marks and social skills. I'm an Aspie and was randomly beaten and viciously criticised instead of being helped. I handled this situation fairly well by going into total opposition around age 13.

As part of my medical problems I had a varicocele - a varicose vein atop of my left testicle - operated at age 13. The first surgery was a failure, the bulging vein never disappeared and subsequently kept growing. The surgery is a bit tricky and can be repeated if it doesn't work first time. My parents - father medical doctor, general practitioner, mom a teacher - noticed the failure but either didn't care or never believed in the possibility of a successful second try. So I was left with the painful and embarrassing condition.

When I was 14 the family situation was further complicated by my brother's suicide for which my parents never assumed responsibility. My mom says family life was harmonious - never mind her violence and screaming fits - and the incident was simultaneously declared an accident and blame put on teachers just in case it wasn't. My father told me my brother had "slipped out" with a dog leash around his neck. My mom said he didn't look ugly, just a little pale when she identified him at the morgue, and off we went on a viewing at the graveyard chapel. If you've ever seen execution photos, the look is best described as someone who hanged himself without breaking the neck. Very traumatising and with hindsight I wonder if my mom was taking revenge when she exposed me to this.

My mom took counselling sessions and medication in the aftermath. No help for me, likely because any outside professional would have had to ask questions on family life and abuse. Seems to have been my parent's general attitude: for fear of embarrassment, add some more abuse.

So now, age 15, I was left with a painful varicocele that no one seemed to care about and a suicide situation with self-pitiful mom. Wasn't long until I fell into a very deep and nasty first depressive episode with delusions on appearance, see body dysmorphic disorder (BDD). No adult in his right mind could possibly have overlooked the fact that I was in trouble, and yet, no help.

Around age 16 an aunt came for a visit, her husband professor in urology, who examined me and must have recommended a second surgery for my varicocele. Probably 6 months later me and my mom finally saw a local urologist, who confirmed a second surgery was urgently needed. I remember the uro saying he'd never seen something like this before, the varicocele much thicker than the one in the wikipedia photo. So my medical doctor dad must have taken some heat from his colleague for the neglect. We lived in a small town where reputation really mattered.

My father had a pragmatic solution to the embarrassment of neglecting his second son after losing his first to suicide. He claimed the varicocele was a relapse, that it had gone away after the first surgery and only just come back, but for the case it hadn't just come back, that he had left it untreated because he didn't believe in the possibility of a successful second surgery.

Me and my mom had been sent home by the local urologist with the advice that we'd hear back from him with an appointment for the second surgery. Instead, my dad came talk to me that the varicocele, huge, painful and embarrassing as it was, couldn't be bettered and that I'd have to accept the condition and live with it. Not great for the self esteem of a 16 year old, to say the least.

Three months before my 18th birthday I went to see the urologist on my own and asked for a second surgery. He answered that yes, a second surgery was needed but that I knew as well as him that my parents wouldn't allow it. I said, fine, that's why I'm here now. Let's fix an appointment right after my 18th birthday, where I would be of legal age and could sign all the papers myself. He agreed this was a good plan but - small town medical doctors - must have called my dad to pass the news. For my dad the situation was of course highly problematic because a surgery appointment after my 18th birthday would clearly have indicated I had been forced against my will to live with a condition like that.

When I arrived home from my visit at the uro's office, my parents greeted me with the news that they now allowed a second surgery and that an appointment was only available one week before my 18th birthday. My mom was delighted about the opportunity to make use of her powers as legal guardian one last time. In the pre-surgery consultations I wasn't taken seriously, all matters addressed with my mom because I was only 17.95 years old. Now the juicy bit: the assistant doctor asked us for a sperm sample. This is standard procedure for varicocele surgery, especially in cases with extensive damage due to long-term pressure on testicles. The request was first phrased in a manner I didn't understand and I may have looked a bit surprised upon clarification. My mom left the room with the assistant doctor and I never heard back of the sperm sample matter.

I know this may sound incredible, but I swear it's true: when I woke up after the surgery, my best parts were all in glibber. The sperm sample had been taken under general anesthesia without my prior knowledge or consent. I disgustedly confronted my mom and she firmly denied this ever happened. At least, the second surgery was a success.

Well, my mom firmly denied she had the sperm sample taken until my visit two weeks ago. Me and my mom came to speak of medical doctors. I mentioned my dissatisfaction with my ex family doctor and she complained about an eye specialist of hers, adding that my now 10 years deceased dad was always a friendly and caring doctor, very much unlike these money greedy new guys. I said, if my father was always a friendly caring doctor, he must have made an exception for me, mentioning the 40 years old story of my varicocele.

My mom is now 80 years old and still at her best. She said this whole story wasn't true, that the varicocele hadn't persisted after the first surgery at age 13 and that I'd been treated for a relapse at age 17. Never did my father not allow a surgery. And now, the best part of the long story: she said that the varicocele issue was rather an example of my disobedience and "lack of cooperation", that in fact I had been so uncooperative even with the sperm sample that she had no choice but let nurses take it whilst I was unconscious.

Another one of my mom's flat lies. And even today, at age 53, I'm absolutely shocked and stunned at her cold hearted cruelty. So my parents let me sit with a sibling's suicide and a very painful varicocele, disallow treatment at age 16, then finally agree only because a second surgery can't no longer be prevented, conspire with the local uro for an appointment one week before my 18th birthday, and then my mom has nothing better to do but make use of her last week as legal guardian to have me jerked off whilst unconscious!?? She has to be effing kidding me!!

And my mom is dead serious about this. In her same cold faced *****y manner, where she would have slapped me in the face as a kid at the first best opportunity, she showed me with 36 years of delay a letter from the urologist stating the varicocele was a relapse. Which it wasn't. The only thing she's upset about is the fact that I drove away without formally saying good bye. And that I haven't picked up the phone since.

Now question for the community: my mom is my mom and the only mom I'm ever going to have. But I just can't take this ***** no more. Or should I?? Am I cruel if I break off contact? This varicocele thing was on top of her abuse, on top of my brother's suicide, and resulted in considerable physical damage to my testicles. Seeing the pain, embarrassment and effects on self esteem and sexual development, it was probably similarly as bad as long term sexual abuse. Having a sperm sample taken without consent whilst unconscious is very close to sexual abuse. And my mom now has the chutzpah to tell me all of this was just because I was disobedient? Can it actually get worse? I think it simply never occurred to her that I'm not just her son, but also a person with rights and feelings.