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Question Jun 09, 2019 at 02:14 PM
  #1
Does anyone know?

I experienced abuse as a child and as an adult. I don't abuse other people. My family members have continued the abuse and passed it down to another generation. Why are we different? We have all experienced abuse. Does my brain somehow just work differently from theirs? The only obvious difference between us that I can see is that I've had psychotherapy and they haven't. Was that it, do you think? Enough for me to become self-aware and develop self-esteem and not pour my misery on top of others? Or something else? And of course, I had to be open to therapy in the first place. I had to want to do the work.

Perhaps folks think the reason doesn't matter but can you see the major implications for society. The cycle of abuse is undeniable in our world but how can we change it?

If anyone has specific research links on what seems to cause this difference among individual abuse survivors, I would really like to learn more. It breaks my heart to think of another generation of my family (siblings' children) being abused.

Feel free to share your own truths and insights.

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Default Jun 09, 2019 at 02:21 PM
  #2
That's a good question @SilverTrees. I wish I knew the answer. It's certainly worth exploring how to break the cycle.
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Default Jun 09, 2019 at 02:30 PM
  #3
It actually keeps me up some nights thinking about it. What could have saved my siblings' children? Other than them never having children in the first place, I have no answer. It's a tragedy to watch the repeat button being hit over and over again. My TCM doctor told me that in China there's an expression: when you marry the wrong person (and have children) there will be three generations who suffer. I think there's a lot of truth to that.
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Default Jun 09, 2019 at 03:18 PM
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Originally Posted by SilverTrees View Post
Does my brain somehow just work differently from theirs? The only obvious difference between us that I can see is that I've had psychotherapy and they haven't.
Probably.

There's likely a lot of reasons why a person might break the cycle of abuse, but I think the ability and willingness to introspect is one of the largest components. You'd be surprised how many people blindly repeat the things they've learned because "that's the way it's always been done."

So yeah, you going to therapy to help understand your own mind and behavior probably helped quite a bit.
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Default Jun 09, 2019 at 03:22 PM
  #5
I think in past generations, abuse wasn’t talked about. Society’s only recently come out with definitions of abusive behavior. So that shined a light on the insidious stuff happening behind closed doors. Younger generations have started acting more healthy because they have been educated and abuse is exposed.

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Default Jun 09, 2019 at 03:26 PM
  #6
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
I think in past generations, abuse wasn’t talked about. Society’s only recently come out with definitions of abusive behavior. So that shined a light on the insidious stuff happening behind closed doors. Younger generations have started acting more healthy because they have been educated and abuse is exposed.
Right but that doesn't explain my siblings. They are very close to my age and continuing the abuse cycle with their children.

I also don't know that we can say that younger generations are healthier because familial and spousal abuse are still rampant.
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Default Jun 09, 2019 at 03:35 PM
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Probably.

There's likely a lot of reasons why a person might break the cycle of abuse, but I think the ability and willingness to introspect is one of the largest components. You'd be surprised how many people blindly repeat the things they've learned because "that's the way it's always been done."

So yeah, you going to therapy to help understand your own mind and behavior probably helped quite a bit.
Yes, important point about ability and willingness to introspect. I've always been deeply introspective even at a very young age. Sometimes I wish I wasn't if that makes sense because it can be painful at times. Living in my own mind all the time.

I would still like to see a study on reasons why one person introspects (particularly regarding abuse) and the next doesn't....especially people who grew up in the same abusive family with the same genes. For example, everyone else in my family denies that our father was abusive. I have run this by several different therapists....I am very careful not to exaggerate or leave anything out regarding my father's behavior. Psychologists agreed that what he did to us was "battery" ( a form of physical abuse) and emotional abuse. He was very frightening. So some people within the same family responded to the same trauma with denial and burial (and then repeated the cycle) and one person identified it and went for therapy. But why? Why did I not respond as my siblings have done? I suppose I'll never know but it makes me very sad. I couldn't save them from themselves.
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Default Jun 09, 2019 at 04:40 PM
  #8
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Originally Posted by SilverTrees View Post
Right but that doesn't explain my siblings. They are very close to my age and continuing the abuse cycle with their children.

I also don't know that we can say that younger generations are healthier because familial and spousal abuse are still rampant.
I’m so sorry to hear they are being abused. I’ve had a difficult situation to watch with my niece and nephew, too. Their father, my BIL, was a raging tyrant. We were fearful if he really went off physically, he could God forbid kill them all. But he only screamed and got drunk. We didn’t know what to do to help and didn’t do anything. . I feel for your predicament.

My two sisters and me dealt with family dynamics differently. One moved as far as she could and never visited. One never opened up to my mother about anything much in her life, calling daily in what we call a hit-and-run conversation. And I tried to make things right to no avail.

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Default Jun 09, 2019 at 05:08 PM
  #9
I am sorry about the abuse in your family. It is heartbreaking.

I went to a psychiatrist (not a therapist) for the first time when my children were in high school. There were a handful of incidents (their father yelling) prior to my children's hs years but I had a lot of anxiety about their father about his expectations, as in, he would get upset when I didn't fill his emotional and other needs -- make him feel loved (fill his huge need for love that was a result of his childhood). My mother expected us to be children she could be proud of and made sure we were. I would feel empathy when my husband/their dad was insecure. If I had figured it out when our children were little--I think it would have made a differences. Maybe all young parents or parents to be should go to some sort of psychology education classes. My husband disagrees but IMO we definitely damaged our children. They feel this way. I feel this way. There father does not. I take a lot of drugs to ease the pain and guilt. I now understand why people become alcoholics and drug abusers.

I guess I need to find hope that some of the damage can be reversed but it is hard when I have days where my guilt makes me feel extremely depressed. Also some of what goes on is our genetics combined with our environment. Honestly, some of what has happened may be more than just abuse. We are also predisposed to certain things and our children's friends and choices cannot be discounted. I work not to be depressed because my depression causes more damage. I don't drink and am currently sticking to things as prescribed. I have to be careful not to find to many parallels in the negative things on here thinking they all apply to me of my family. They need a cheerleader and love. Plus other things I can't provide. Though I have asked for help on one large issue and this might get my whole family involved in the situation--educating them all about some of the things I know and hopefully more. I edited this because I have to be careful about overblaming my H and I--we played a role but there are so many other factors than just that. There are for your nephews and nieces too! There is always hope as long as we are alive. Though we have to know our limit.

Also, I vow to speak up and speak out when I can validate anything that I know for sure to be true. I pray that I will have more courage in the future. I also sympathized with one of my children for way too long but am trying to strike a better balance on that too!


Last edited by TunedOut; Jun 09, 2019 at 06:41 PM..
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Default Jun 10, 2019 at 05:50 AM
  #10
SilverTrees, I struggle a lot with whether or not my family's problems are related to abuse or if it is a mental illness that has been passed down. People on the Survivor's of Abuse forum have endured so much more than my family and I have. I am sad for anyone who has endured abuse.

Someone is my family has been inpatient with a serious mental illness since last Wednesday. Perhaps it is my mental illness (my depression and anxiety make me feel guilty about everything) that makes me focus on if we were abusive. I actually need to stop catastrophizing about the past because I may need to care for this person for the rest of my life. However, I do not know what is going to happen and am trying to take it one day at a time while not messing up so much in my two jobs that I lose one and damage my record in the other. If they end up coming back home, I have to guard against any of us being impatient with them. We have to be firm and unemotional to help them. Sometimes our emotions have gotten triggered by this person's behaviors and unhelpful things were done. Some of the unhelpful things were because we couldn't accept what was going on. We just didn't understand.
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Default Jun 10, 2019 at 06:33 AM
  #11
“Maybe all young parents or parents to be should go to some sort of psychology education classes” This is a great idea!

If I look at only the maternal chain in my family; my mother, her mother, and hers... none of them would think anything they did was abuse. I think they all suffered from anxiety for the most part. It was the anxiety that fueled the behavior that was abusive. Also, the kind of abusive behavior (emotional) was completely socially acceptable at the time.

When I tell my mother she was wrong and scarred me with her mean yelling she says I deserved it and has zero remorse.

Now I didn’t carry down any of the behavior my mother did to me onto my own children because I hated it, hated how it made me feel, and hated her for doing it. But, sadly, I did carry on negatively with my husband in the same way my mother did with hers and my grandmother did with hers.... I hate so much that I have done this!

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Default Jun 10, 2019 at 07:25 AM
  #12
We can all only take so much. I feel like by the time I made an attempt in 2015, I was so broken that I will never be the same. Sadly, we allowed a family member to endure so much before finally stepping in that I assume they will never be the same. My husband is focussed on just enjoying the retirement that will be here in the "blink of an eye" for him. He wants our adult children to be independent and is saving for retirement. He's encouraged me to take on my newest job (one that is remote and could even be done while we are traveling) and it's a good fit but I am struggling with it because of my mental health and what is going on in my family. I will continue to want to help the person in my family because I understand what it is like to be broken--however it happened. I spend way to much time wondering why I am so broken and so does the family member though they refuse to acknowledge they also have a mental illness.

Our family interactions are not healthy and I don't know how to fix it. The broken family member is focussed on what we have done wrong and can't move on until we acknowledge it. It is hard to get four people to agree on complex issues like this but we need to focus on the family member in crisis. We need to get our act together if we can. I am trying but need so much help because I have not done a good job and we all need to learn how to handle our interactions better.

So back to the original question: What's the difference between those who broke the cycle and those who didn't. Perhaps realizing what abuse you endured and guarding against repeating. Like Tisha did with her children. My husband also tried to guard against treating our children in some of the ways his father did and he did better but I don't think he came to terms with how it effected some of his instaneous emotional reactions. I am not sure I did much better. I can't handle stress very well without psychiatric drugs anymore. At least I learned to reach out for help a bit more now than in the past. Ignorance causes so much damage.

Last edited by TunedOut; Jun 10, 2019 at 08:11 AM..
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Default Jun 10, 2019 at 08:23 AM
  #13
Also, I am feeling awful for the way I have acted, but I was definitely pushed into acting that way out of response. My actions were a defense. Only recently, with anxiety meds, I have changed my negative, self harming response and handled it with self care instead. I am now able to accept that he is who he is, will never be able or even care to treat me as I told him I need to be treated, and I will just be kind to myself and don’t even look at him.

When my mom yelled at my dad it was because he was killing himself. Instead of helping him with love and kindness, she pushed him farther down with anger.

When my grandma yelled at my grandpa it was because she was disappointed that he was not enough of a provider. She had a massive chip on her shoulder from getting rejected by another young man who had a successful career. So she felt resentful and forever took it out on my grandpa. Funny though, he just let her yapping roll right off him and didn’t even let it bother him. So she just aggravated herself. It was very abusive of her. My mother hated her for doing it. I remember being a small child and thinking her yelling at him was strange and annoying and how he just ignored her.

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Default Jun 10, 2019 at 09:24 AM
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Breaking the abuse cycle takes a great deal of strength. You have to be willing to go against the expectations of people and society. It’s lonely. I think that alone is probably a big reason people stay in the cycle. I’m surprised by how many people even put up with a degree of abuse from so-called friends because they don’t want to lose their social circle. I see that all the time and I guess that why my family and my friendship circle is very, very small.... well, I keep wondering if it’s that I’m making healthier choices or am I just difficult to get along with
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Default Jun 10, 2019 at 09:38 AM
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I keep wondering if it’s that I’m making healthier choices or am I just difficult to get along with
My POV is that you seem easy to get along with. Your are kind to everyone on PC. Perhaps you struggle with anxiety and self doubt? It is hard to imagine you as abusive.
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Default Jun 10, 2019 at 09:44 AM
  #16
This is a tough question, but it is important and I am glad you brought it up, SilverTrees.

Everything boils down to the choices we make and what we do. Folks who want to get better will somehow find their way. I don't understand the mindset of someone who continues to abuse and hurt people. I learned in recovery that people will rationalize their behavior to justify it. For example, I did that when I bullied people; something they did or didn't do set me off and I told myself it was their fault I spoke to them the way I did.

Of course, it wasn't, but that was what I knew then. Those of us who learn more productive behavior don't pass the abuse on to others in our lives. Those of us who remain abusive do.

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Default Jun 10, 2019 at 09:52 AM
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Breaking the abuse cycle takes a great deal of strength. You have to be willing to go against the expectations of people and society. It’s lonely. I think that alone is probably a big reason people stay in the cycle. I’m surprised by how many people even put up with a degree of abuse from so-called friends because they don’t want to lose their social circle. I see that all the time and I guess that why my family and my friendship circle is very, very small.... well, I keep wondering if it’s that I’m making healthier choices or am I just difficult to get along with
My circle of friends is small also, and I am estranged from my family. I cherish my good friends and we have a lot of fun together.

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Default Jun 10, 2019 at 12:44 PM
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My POV is that you seem easy to get along with. Your are kind to everyone on PC. Perhaps you struggle with anxiety and self doubt? It is hard to imagine you as abusive.


Thank you What's the difference b/w those who broke the cycle and those who continue it?
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Default Jun 10, 2019 at 01:31 PM
  #19
I hear you Silver. There are a lot of variables as to why one child can choose to change and break the cycle and how another child just continues it. It isn't just about their home experience, but what they experience from their piers and other adult role models as well as where they ended up in terms of their own family structure. An older child can practice control methods and even some bullying on a younger child. This can give them a sense of power that they like having an so all they do is continue their bullying toxic behavior never really looking inward as to why they interact this way.
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Default Jun 10, 2019 at 01:57 PM
  #20
Variables such as willingness to seek help and inteospection mostly come down to genetics imo. Some luck out, while others don't.

I wouldn't necessarily say that they were predestined to become abusive. Moreso that some personalities will simply respond worse and/or differently than others in the face of abuse, and likely wouldn't have become abusive in a different environment. Sadly, the latter is sonetimes just as unpreventable.

Also, perhaps the fact that none of us have exactly identical experiences is a factor. Of course, personality comes into play again, since two people could be a victim of the same act of abuse, only for one to be hurt more and/or cope differently than the other.

But outside variables may also play a role. For example, lets say two twins in the same school on the brink of losing their minds finally decide to seek help, but are given different counsellors. One is supportive and the other isn't. The fortunate twin credits their counselor for saving their life and turning it around, showing them that there are good people (the counselor) then the other twin does the exact opposite. My point is that an outside factor that one experiences could perhaps make the difference

Anyways, Interesting to think about though, and I couldn't find any article on this specific topic. Maybe instead if you haven't already you could google search what makes someone repeat the abuse they endured, do the same for the opposite, and then compare.

Last edited by Iloivar; Jun 10, 2019 at 02:33 PM..
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