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Witchnotbich
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Trig Jun 12, 2019 at 09:44 PM
  #1
*trigger warning*
This post concerns the psychological effects of sexual trauma*

I have heard that hyper-sexuality and engaging in promiscuous behavior is common years later after experiencing sexual trauma as a child or young person. I have also heard the latter is common too, where there is so much guilt and shame concerning sexual activity one tends to avoid it or at least dread it all together. However, what I haven’t found any information on seems to be a little more complex; almost mixing the two together.

The sexual abuse I endured came from several different men over the course of my teenage years and into my early twenties. As a result, At first, I struggled with panic attack’s and flash backs every time I attempted to have sex after that. Even if the partner was loving and gentle. Then, after becoming involved in a couple physically and emotionally abusive relationships, my sexuality has become even more messed up. I become aroused by being treated badly sexually. I achieve orgasm through reliving my trauma via letting an abusive partner take control and make me feel used. Then as soon as it’s over i drown in emotions and thoughts of guilt, shame, self-hate, confusion and pain of letting myself be treated this way. I don’t want to be treated this way, but now it seems my brain makes me crave it. I don’t understand why this is happening or if therapy can help me heal from this or if my brain and sexuality will forever keep me stuck in a cycle of pain. Any thoughts on this? Anyone else experienced something like this?

Last edited by bluekoi; Jun 12, 2019 at 10:24 PM.. Reason: Add triggger icon.
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Default Jun 12, 2019 at 11:42 PM
  #2
Quote:
Originally Posted by Witchnotbich View Post
*trigger warning*
This post concerns the psychological effects of sexual trauma*

I have heard that hyper-sexuality and engaging in promiscuous behavior is common years later after experiencing sexual trauma as a child or young person. I have also heard the latter is common too, where there is so much guilt and shame concerning sexual activity one tends to avoid it or at least dread it all together. However, what I haven’t found any information on seems to be a little more complex; almost mixing the two together.

The sexual abuse I endured came from several different men over the course of my teenage years and into my early twenties. As a result, At first, I struggled with panic attack’s and flash backs every time I attempted to have sex after that. Even if the partner was loving and gentle. Then, after becoming involved in a couple physically and emotionally abusive relationships, my sexuality has become even more messed up. I become aroused by being treated badly sexually. I achieve orgasm through reliving my trauma via letting an abusive partner take control and make me feel used. Then as soon as it’s over i drown in emotions and thoughts of guilt, shame, self-hate, confusion and pain of letting myself be treated this way. I don’t want to be treated this way, but now it seems my brain makes me crave it. I don’t understand why this is happening or if therapy can help me heal from this or if my brain and sexuality will forever keep me stuck in a cycle of pain. Any thoughts on this? Anyone else experienced something like this?


Did you feel arousal during your early sexul abuses?

And I couldn't find anything about your specific situation. Particularly from not wanting sex to achieving climax through reliving past sexual abuse.

However, there are articles of coping with the feelings that come after the enjoyment of abuse, and I think that is something that may help you.

Here's one. Not all of it is relevant to your situation though.

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&sour...XFskDbwFRHXy58

As for therapy. This is absolutely something a competent therapist should be able to go in depth with you, and I think it's something you should try, and possibly keep trying (if you can afford) if you end up with a therapist not to your liking.

How about local support groups? If there are none, maybe you can also keep sharing your story in other sites or forums until you find someone that can help, and relate to your situation, if you're unable to find it here
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Default Jun 13, 2019 at 12:16 AM
  #3
Sorry you're struggling Witchnotbich. I can see why this is very confusing for you but I don't think you should feel ashamed.

First, I am sorry you were abused. It was not your fault. You did not cause it.

Second, here's a Ted Talk about unwanted arousal. I think it pertains to your current confusion. The speaker is excellent and non-judgmental.

Third, yes I fully believe that your brain and body and spirit can heal from the abuse and allow you to enjoy sexuality in a way that feels safe and right for you. I recommend consulting with a sex therapist. Someone kind who really knows their stuff.

The truth about unwanted arousal | Emily Nagoski
YouTube

I hope this helps. I wish you peace, hope, and a bright future. YOU DESERVE IT!

Last edited by Anonymous44076; Jun 13, 2019 at 12:28 AM..
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Default Jun 14, 2019 at 06:02 PM
  #4
Thank you to both of your kind replies.. Ill be sure to watch the videos right after I make this comment! I’m not sure who I’m replying to as I’m still getting the hang of using this site, but lloivar no i did not experience arousal during the abuse. Every time it was pretty much what’d you’d expect, fear and shock that turned to dissociation from my body until it was over., Becoming aroused by pretty much reliving my past trauma in my sex life has only been a relatively recent development within the past year or so.
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 09:41 AM
  #5
Hi there, you are not alone. I was physically, emotionally and sexually abused by my sister. She used to beat me up almost daily, calling me names and bully me all my childhood and teenage years and sexually abuse me. It was very humiliating as I was the older brother. She had found out about boys’ sensitive part and kicked me there regularly. My self-esteem was very low, especially around her. Although people saw the physical and emotional abuse, they thought it was just sibling rivalry and laughed about it. They also blamed me for being a “sissy”, “not being a man”, etc. as I was 18 months older than her.

I had really difficult teenage years and my twenties were pretty bad due to self-abuse. Eventually, after years of therapy, I managed to stop or reduce the self-abuse. However, i started to get huge sexual gratification by re-enacting the fights, the verbal name calling, the sexual abuse scenes, etc. I have tried to deal with it by therapy and it comes and goes. At times, especially if I see here (which is just a couple of times a year), I even hire escorts to re-enact the fights (I am gay so male escorts).
Try to deal with it sooner as it may affect your relationships.
From what I have heard, it is a coping mechanism to deal with something so traumatic.
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 10:58 AM
  #6
I'm sorry you went through all of that. I can relate to what you described.
I was physically and emotionally abused as a kid and as a teenager. My father used to back me into a corner and hit me. I'd try to defend myself at first, but it was useless so I learned to sit still and wait for him to stop. Now I tend to freeze and dissociate when I feel scared or powerless.
A few years ago I was sexually abused by an ex-partner. I was dissociated the whole time and it took me a long time to realize I had been abused. Then the same happened with a roomate. There was consent at first but then he physically forced me even though I was begging him to stop because he was hurting me. I was shocked because of his reaction and I automatically dissociated. He continued to do things I had previously told him I didn't want to do. He also forced me to have sex with him 2 times that I arrived home drunk. I only wanted it to be over as soon as possible so I just let it happen.
This was like a year ago. I had been trying to ignore it until recently. I haven't been able to tell anyone about it because I still feel confused and guilty.
He was twice my age and I wasn't sexually attracted to him (not even when there was consensual sex), but there was something about the whole situation and would make feel sexually aroused, I don't know.
He was verbally abusive and very dominant in general. I'd always end up feeling confused and ashamed after we had sex.
Lately I feel like I can only feel sexually aroused when there's some kind of risk/domination or humiliation involved.
I don't think repressing these feelings would be a solution, but I'm also scared of exploring them because I tend to end up in abusive relationships and don't know how to protect myself even when I can see there's something hurting me.

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Default Jun 18, 2019 at 03:46 AM
  #7
You aren’t alone with this. I had the same feelings of arousal when fantasising about being treated badly during sex. I was able to “retrain” my mind (with the help of lots of romance fiction!) to where my fantasies are almost all about being treated well, given lots of praise, and told that I’m special or good. It doesn’t work 100% of the time, and it’s so very easy for my mind to take a sharp left and suddenly I’m having climaxing to the thoughts of something horrible. Give it time if you’re able. My abuse went on for 20 years, and it’s taken me an awful long time to get to where I am when it comes to sex. But it is possible, and I hope you can feel at peace with yourself soon. These desires were forced on you as part of the abuse. You can fight it.

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Trig Jul 30, 2019 at 01:52 AM
  #8
Definately understand where you are coming from. I was sexually abused by a pediatrician from about ages 3 to 8. I've NEVER shared this before, but here goes. This resulted in me having some very weird "kinks" I enjoy being restratined during sex.
Possible trigger:

Last edited by bluekoi; Jul 30, 2019 at 11:29 AM.. Reason: Add triggger icon. Apply trigger code.
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