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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 07:47 AM
  #21
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Originally Posted by Malcolmsadness View Post
In understanding your situation, i feel for you. I was in a marriage for1 6 years with someone who was obviously not happy with something before we married. I'll have to assume it was an inferiority complex that was buried.
She found social networking and online gaming communities that told her she deserved better i guess. You see, we were housebound with a very low functional autistic boy who was a runner, destructive and self-violent. So most baby sitters would cause him to panic and scream. Our weekends were very bad. I stayed there with her but our marriage took the strain. I wanted to stay together, she made fun of that. She ignored my conversation, became like a teenager. I was angry about the way she ran home from work, only to sit in front of her tablet all night until bed i knew why she was doing it,i let it happen because it seemed to make her happy. She turned on my kindness, cheated and lied. Then said i was to blame.
I never wanted to believe that but sometimes i did. Now I'm here because of the fact that she won't admit to herself she was wrong, people she never met destroyed us. All the things i held as values were **** all over. I feel like a fool.

Soi know what you feel about blaming yourself.. That person/people who inflict the emotional abuse on us, they don't think twice about it.
So we're left with the *** end of it. It's wrong in every way. People just treat new h other like crap but there are those of us who value companionship. Who treat it with care and even we are not safe. I really feel your hurt inside. I do

I am very sorry for your painful experience.

I've learned that we can only learn from these most painful experiences in order to grow as a person.

I am trying to do just that... learn and grow from it all.
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 09:19 AM
  #22
One other thing I've learned: when we tolerate and put up with abuse, self-esteem & self-worth will naturally be effected. When we knowingly accept it and stay in it, it is not good for mental health.
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 09:48 AM
  #23
I stayed because i believed what we had built over 16 years was an unshakeable bond between 2 people. I never thought things could turn on me so quickly. I did everything to be with her, to make her happy.

Some people are easily swayed by one of two key statements. It's enough to keep them coming back for more but will that continue on? I was devoted, faithful, a rock, a provider and always there for her. Even in the end when i knew what was happening, i still ran to her and when the car would not start. Now i don't know why i did that. I am left with the emptiness of this lie i believed in.

It's damaging, it hurts but i still believe i have enough love and tenderness left to give to the right person so I'll build on that and learn from this horrible event. It's all we can do i suppose
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 10:19 AM
  #24
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It's damaging, it hurts but i still believe i have enough love and tenderness left to give to the right person so I'll build on that and learn from this horrible event. It's all we can do i suppose

YES! And that's how you need to view it. We live and we learn. Sometimes it's through a long-term relationship that we thought was "the one".

For me, I told my ex not too long ago that he never deserved my love OR my heart, and that my current husband does. It felt good to say that, even if he never replied. I needed to say it for myself.
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 10:38 AM
  #25
It is a very long fall to recover from. You're right. All we can do from here is either carry on or drift away.
I've been down both roads, they are both difficult. I just hate the thought of starting over again as I'm sure you do too.
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 10:46 AM
  #26
Golden_eve, I think there's something else to consider: your abuser groomed you to want their approval. At some point early on in the relationship, they did give you validation and love, probably a lot, and you stay in the relationship despite the abuse because you think that if you just act the right way and give them what they want, they will be their old, nice selves. They withhold love and validation to get what they want from you, and it is, indeed, abusive. They groom you so that you have to get your validation from them so they can manipulate and control you.

And yes, it's hard to unlearn. And your subject line is spot on: we don't need to base our value and self-worth on the opinions of others.

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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 11:05 AM
  #27
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It is a very long fall to recover from. You're right. All we can do from here is either carry on or drift away.
I've been down both roads, they are both difficult. I just hate the thought of starting over again as I'm sure you do too.

I hear you. I started over and got married a year later to someone else.

Love can and does happen again. The key is healing oneself and healing one's broken heart..... the love I found actually healed my broken heart. Many say heal yourself first.. I tend to agree with that as well, but I got involved when I did and it definitely helped my healing process. And that's just me. But the point it, yes, we can pick ourselves up again and move forward in life, one little step at a time. Healing is a process.... it does take time but it helps to take deliberate steps forward.
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 11:08 AM
  #28
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Golden_eve, I think there's something else to consider: your abuser groomed you to want their approval. At some point early on in the relationship, they did give you validation and love, probably a lot, and you stay in the relationship despite the abuse because you think that if you just act the right way and give them what they want, they will be their old, nice selves. They withhold love and validation to get what they want from you, and it is, indeed, abusive. They groom you so that you have to get your validation from them so they can manipulate and control you.

And yes, it's hard to unlearn. And your subject line is spot on: we don't need to base our value and self-worth on the opinions of others.

Thanks, seesaw! This is something I hadn't ever known or even considered... the validation part. I never accepted his abuse- I always stood up to him.

But he was in fact manipulating me to need his approval and validation -- YES.

He provided a LOT of that early on... validated my worth and value as a person constantly.

Then in one fell swoop, he took it all away. He invalidated our entire relationship, demeaning the value and importance of our relationship and by extension, devaluing ME.

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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 12:06 PM
  #29
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Thanks, seesaw! This is something I hadn't ever known or even considered... the validation part. I never accepted his abuse- I always stood up to him.

But he was in fact manipulating me to need his approval and validation -- YES.

He provided a LOT of that early on... validated my worth and value as a person constantly.

Then in one fell swoop, he took it all away. He invalidated our entire relationship, demeaning the value and importance of our relationship and by extension, devaluing ME.
It is so spot on, the way you explain. In fact, those are the things that they take away from people like ourselves. Leaving us with the emptiness and damage they were trying to use to make themselves feel better.
I think i get confused and wonder why anyone could gain anything from hurting someone emotionally like that.
To me it is sickening
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 12:54 PM
  #30
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It is so spot on, the way you explain. In fact, those are the things that they take away from people like ourselves. Leaving us with the emptiness and damage they were trying to use to make themselves feel better.
I think i get confused and wonder why anyone could gain anything from hurting someone emotionally like that.
To me it is sickening
Abuse is always about gaining power and control over another. If they can hurt you, they have power over you emotionally. It’s very sick and most disturbing. Most abusers have been severely abused themselves in some way. So they never learned how to treat someone with love and respect. Their version of love is to hurt and cause pain in another. That is not love. An abuser doesn’t know or how to truly love.
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 08:49 AM
  #31
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Tisha, that wasn't the point, and I am sure you know this.

My point is that I learned that I had to give myself what I was seeking from my abuser.... the validation, self-love and self-worth that I wanted HIM to acknowledge & give to me. The main point is that we have to find self-worth for ourselves... it's an inward job. If self-worth is something that is missing, it's something to be worked on. That is what I am doing myself. HUGS.
We are both saying the same thing. We are in agreement. I was thanking you for giving me the phrase to remember to tell myself when invalidated by others.

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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 11:14 AM
  #32
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We are both saying the same thing. We are in agreement. I was thanking you for giving me the phrase to remember to tell myself when invalidated by others.
Oh!!! My bad! I totally misunderstood you, sorry. Now I see what you were saying. Thanks for clearing that up!!! Hugs.
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