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Default Jun 14, 2019 at 06:25 AM
  #1
I've struggled with this concept. There was something I wanted from a former abuser for the longest time.

I wanted a sincere apology. I wanted ownership and responsibility taken on his behalf. I wanted him to sincerely say to me:

"I am so sorry that I hurt you that badly. I didn't mean to and I feel terrible about it. You are a good person and deserve far better than that. I should have appreciated you and I should have treated you better."

For the longest time, I wanted to hear those words.

Then it dawned on me: WHY am I addicted to wanting to hear from this person? LONG after I've moved on?

And the answer was: that I was basing my own VALUE as a person, and my feelings of self-esteem and self-worth on this person's feelings towards me. I've been tying the two together.

Then it also dawned on me: my feelings of self-worth DO NOT NEED TO RELY on this person!!!!!

This person was a pathological liar, a cheater, a master manipulator and an abusive narcissist!

WHY on EARTH would I tie my feelings of self-worth to someone SO LOWLY?????

I do NOT need for him to tell me he truly cared about me. I do NOT need for him to tell me he truly loved me. I do NOT need to feel good as a person based on what he says or does!!!

And this is exactly the relationship dynamic I had with my father, who was emotionally abusive towards me.

Oh, it's amazing how we can come full circle!

I was trying to obtain appreciation and validation from someone who is far too self-absorbed to appreciate anyone who is good to him.

I imagine that this is very common in abusive relationships. Whereby we want the person to value us, to show that they care and love us.... and when they abuse, it's like an addiction to get that love back.

We do not need validation from others telling us that we deserve better, or that we are good people, just as we are. We need to tell this to ourselves and believe it ourselves.

Can anyone relate to this type of addiction and wanting your abuser to value you?
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Default Jun 14, 2019 at 09:28 AM
  #2
Your father sounds just like my mother. I still live with her. I'm still in the situation and can't get out at this point in time. She physically needs my help and support. She's 72 and has mobility issues and health issues. I have to live here.

So I deal with the abuse daily. But I also crave a thank you or a please every time she demands that I do something or orders me around. When she yells, I always wish that she will come back and apologize. When she is wrong, and I prove she is wrong, I want her to just admit it but she won't.

I absolutely love what you said. It's something that I need to remember. My self esteem is not contingent on her opinion of me or her behavior. My value does not depend on what she says or does.

Thank you so much for this post.

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Default Jun 14, 2019 at 10:16 AM
  #3
I needed to read this today, thank you. Wishing you lasting peace, sending hugs x
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Default Jun 14, 2019 at 11:57 AM
  #4
I can identify. I have made my peace with it but it took years.

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Default Jun 14, 2019 at 12:57 PM
  #5
Thank you to all of you..... yes, it's hard to remember these things in the midst of abuse and even after abuse. I didn't realize I was doing this to myself over and over again until I finally asked myself: what do you NEED from this person? Then I realized I was looking for something I would never receive from them.... the apology, the acknowledgment, appreciation and love that I thought they felt for me.... someone who abuses cannot love and cannot do these things. I needed to realize this for the umpteenth time. An abuser doesn't know how to apologize, how to own up, or how to truly love and appreciate someone. And for certain, our good feelings about ourselves do NOT need to be tied to an abuser..... we have to give this to ourselves foremost and feel value and self-worth from the inside, all on our own, and FOR OURSELVES. This was a very BIG epiphany that I had through this process of letting go.
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Default Jun 14, 2019 at 02:21 PM
  #6
I think you are absolutely spot on about this. I’d also add that there is an element of wanting to have them show they are really decent, loving human beings to be able to validate yourself for having chosen to love them. It’s this element of feeling like ‘how could I have been so stupid and blind to have loved this loveless person?’ You want them to prove to you that they were indeed lovable and also that you were indeed loved.

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Default Jun 14, 2019 at 02:34 PM
  #7
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
I think you are absolutely spot on about this. I’d also add that there is an element of wanting to have them show they are really decent, loving human beings to be able to validate yourself for having chosen to love them. It’s this element of feeling like ‘how could I have been so stupid and blind to have loved this loveless person?’ You want them to prove to you that they were indeed lovable and also that you were indeed loved.

YES! THAT AND.... I will add!

That I wanted my abuser to say that he truly loved me & didn't mean all the cruel and abusive things he said to me because then I would feel that none of that was even remotely true about myself!

But the truth is....... I wasn't unworthy of HIS love, HE was unworthy of MINE!!!!!!

And that's the thing..

We cannot believe all the lies that abusers tell us about ourselves and who we are inside!

They will denigrate, falsely accuse, and will TRY to make us FEEL unworthy of their love!!!! And you know what? It works!

But not if we don't let it!!!! We cannot absorb their cruel words towards us or let their false judgements and denigrating words ruin our feelings of self worth!!!!!!

And I realized that I wanted him to come back to me to say, oh I didn't mean the awful things I said about you .. you are NONE of those things. You truly are a good person.

NO. I have to tell myself this.
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Default Jun 14, 2019 at 02:37 PM
  #8
Sometimes, I think they do it purposely when they know we are all those good things and deserving of love and praise. But they put us down in order to hurt us... hence the narcissist abuser.

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Default Jun 14, 2019 at 02:56 PM
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Sometimes, I think they do it purposely when they know we are all those good things and deserving of love and praise. But they put us down in order to hurt us... hence the narcissist abuser.
Oh yes... it's all intended to HURT, HARM AND DESTROY! Especially with a narc abuser..... mine was a malignant narc abuser. The worst kind!
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Default Jun 14, 2019 at 02:59 PM
  #10
As much as you wish he would be kind and validate you, he never will because he GOT OFF on hurting you.

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Default Jun 14, 2019 at 03:03 PM
  #11
Your situation triggers my memories of an ex bf who was like this. It haunted me for a long time. I should have known better, but I played right into his hands.

On a positive note though: he did me a favor in dumping me. I learned that he did really bad, hurtful, criminal things in his life.

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Default Jun 14, 2019 at 03:05 PM
  #12
I know the feeling. Sorry to trigger you back to those memories! At least he's long gone, as is mine! But it's haunted me. I never got what I felt I needed, so I finally decided I needed to give it to myself, most importantly.
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Default Jun 14, 2019 at 03:10 PM
  #13
I played it over in my head for years. I played out every alternate scenario where I would end up with some semblance of ‘happily ever after’. Yes, I must be OCD, I now understand, and that is probably why. Maybe it was shock to the ego and there is some need, even if in fantasy, to get a happier closure. Eventually, I stopped thinking about him. He REALLY was not worth my while! I think I was driven by the thought that he was emotionally unavailable. You had it with your father, and I had that with mine, too.

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Default Jun 14, 2019 at 03:30 PM
  #14
Come to think of it, this is pretty much an issue across the board regarding many people and my self esteem. “I have value no matter how others treat me!” Great fact to remember. Thanks!

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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 04:27 AM
  #15
I am a firm believer that we teach others how to treat us. I dont mean victims of abuse and neglect are responsible for this treatment, I mean once we take our power back its up to us to set boundaries and hold people accountable. This is easier said then done. For me I learn through pain and consequence. The most important lessons I have learned are the most painful but when I come out on the other side I am able to see that they propelled me into change-mostly positive. That is how I view sobriety and my relapse many years ago. I was a horrible two weeks but I am not the same person I used to be, I am stronger and better. I am not the kind of asshole who will tell people they need to suck it up and stand up for themselves. When you are in the midst of abuse you feel helpless and are a victim. Hopefully people are able to gain perspective(with help, self awareness and maybe therapy) in order to feel strong enough to set those boundaries. I had to learn that other people's behavior was not my responsibility and what other people think of me is none of my business.

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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 06:20 AM
  #16
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Come to think of it, this is pretty much an issue across the board regarding many people and my self esteem. “I have value no matter how others treat me!” Great fact to remember. Thanks!


Tisha, that wasn't the point, and I am sure you know this.

My point is that I learned that I had to give myself what I was seeking from my abuser.... the validation, self-love and self-worth that I wanted HIM to acknowledge & give to me. The main point is that we have to find self-worth for ourselves... it's an inward job. If self-worth is something that is missing, it's something to be worked on. That is what I am doing myself. HUGS.
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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 06:25 AM
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I am a firm believer that we teach others how to treat us. I dont mean victims of abuse and neglect are responsible for this treatment, I mean once we take our power back its up to us to set boundaries and hold people accountable. This is easier said then done. For me I learn through pain and consequence. The most important lessons I have learned are the most painful but when I come out on the other side I am able to see that they propelled me into change-mostly positive. That is how I view sobriety and my relapse many years ago. I was a horrible two weeks but I am not the same person I used to be, I am stronger and better. I am not the kind of asshole who will tell people they need to suck it up and stand up for themselves. When you are in the midst of abuse you feel helpless and are a victim. Hopefully people are able to gain perspective(with help, self awareness and maybe therapy) in order to feel strong enough to set those boundaries. I had to learn that other people's behavior was not my responsibility and what other people think of me is none of my business.


I agree. I bent over backwards to help my ex, and what happened? He took advantage of me. I gave him my heart on a silver platter without much thought or skepticism, and I got burned badly.

Now I'm learning how to strengthen my boundaries. It was a very tough experience to have had. I lost myself, my self-respect, my self-esteem, a lot of money and went through much heartache as a result of my mistake in getting involved.
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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 02:04 PM
  #18
In understanding your situation, i feel for you. I was in a marriage for1 6 years with someone who was obviously not happy with something before we married. I'll have to assume it was an inferiority complex that was buried.
She found social networking and online gaming communities that told her she deserved better i guess. You see, we were housebound with a very low functional autistic boy who was a runner, destructive and self-violent. So most baby sitters would cause him to panic and scream. Our weekends were very bad. I stayed there with her but our marriage took the strain. I wanted to stay together, she made fun of that. She ignored my conversation, became like a teenager. I was angry about the way she ran home from work, only to sit in front of her tablet all night until bed i knew why she was doing it,i let it happen because it seemed to make her happy. She turned on my kindness, cheated and lied. Then said i was to blame.
I never wanted to believe that but sometimes i did. Now I'm here because of the fact that she won't admit to herself she was wrong, people she never met destroyed us. All the things i held as values were **** all over. I feel like a fool.

Soi know what you feel about blaming yourself.. That person/people who inflict the emotional abuse on us, they don't think twice about it.
So we're left with the *** end of it. It's wrong in every way. People just treat new h other like crap but there are those of us who value companionship. Who treat it with care and even we are not safe. I really feel your hurt inside. I do
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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 04:35 PM
  #19
Unfortunetly I believe my value, and self worth has everything to do my abuse, and my lack of self confidence, and self worth. I was beat down all my life, in one way or another, but I have been seeing a Pdoc, and a T for a few years now. I don't know if I will ever have any of that, but I am trying.
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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 04:48 PM
  #20
It good to realize that the whole mess is not just our faults, that we did not wish this would happen. I know i did everything possible to show i wanted to be with that person but they used that against me instead of admiring the devotion i had.
So i feel like a fool. I will learn from this and recover. I guess things may not work, i may end up alone. I hope not. I am better with someone to be with, but time will tell.
I only hope is can help everyone here in some way by sharing similarities in life
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