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Default Jun 20, 2019 at 11:53 PM
  #21
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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post


I am a fan of no contact. Its taking your power back and controlling who gets to me in touch with you. It means that contact is on your terms and you control it. It may not be as satisfying to have no contact without being able to say why but the bottom line is the effect is still the same and you have preserved your feelings.
Yes. Sometimes you start out by limiting contact but they continue to push boundaries and you end up with no other choice but to go no contact.
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Default Jun 21, 2019 at 05:11 AM
  #22
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Originally Posted by ennie View Post
I face dilemma on this one. Some people say that confrontation affirms that what the abuser did hurt you, and gives him the satisfaction of knowing this.

However, if he doesn't stop, I do think you need to put an end to it by letting him know that you will not tolerate his behavior.

This is so true. If an abuser replies, it's to justify his behavior, or to make you feel guilty for "accusing" him, or to hoover you back in by insincere apologies.

I would not want a reply from a manipulative person since there always seems to be an agenda or ulterior motives behind what s/he says.

True, although I had told him that I had moved on with someone else. lol.

And good point! He would be manipulative with any kind of reply.
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TishaBuv
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Default Jun 21, 2019 at 07:22 AM
  #23
He stole from you, fraudulently using your debit card. This is a person who has no scruples. You are lucky he didn’t respond to the letter you sent. He could have done something to make trouble for you, maybe telling your husband something, maybe a lie to cause trouble. He could feign caring and hoover you into something with him that would ruin your marriage— He could be a horrid enough person that he would intentionally do that and enjoy doing it. Knowing that he stole from you, I say stay far away from him and be thankful he didn’t hurt you worse.

These relationship hurts do sting and haunt for as long as it takes us to heal. I’m ashamed to admit how I stewed over these break ups of mine. Yes, I did it during new relationships. I know it wasn’t healthy. I never thought to go to a therapist about it. I’ve learned there is a term ‘limerence’ and OCD describes these issues. I probably have some condition or disorder. But, I think people who don’t still will smart over hurtful breakups. It just takes some time. How much time is a healthy person’s recovery? Vs. How long did I ruminate? That’s a good question.

The take-away here is that you definitely will heal. Especially since this guy was such a creep who stole from you. Also, the restorative justice letter sent is more for YOU than for him. He may not have even read it and thrown it right in the trash. It did feel good for me to write it and daringly send it. It feels like when you write on a note and cast it into the sea. It’s a release. Feeling like I got it off my chest helped me stop ruminating about the anger and sped up healing and feeling closure.

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Default Jun 21, 2019 at 12:11 PM
  #24
thank you, Tisha! These are all things I've thought of myself. He cannot find my husband however, because he is blocked on all social media. There is no way for him to know who he is. But you make really good points! He was a very horrid person... the lowest of the lows!!!!! I just found out about him stealing from me to buy drugs, that's why it's fresh again and coming up again.
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 05:19 AM
  #25
I recommend confronting abusers at the time of abuse and when they are currently in your life (confronting within reason, not endangering yourself). No one should tolerate abuse.

I see no benefit though in contacting abusive exes who aren’t currently in your life. Telling them how they wronged you isn’t going to correct the past or change your present or future. It just prolongs your agony and reenforces your pain and likely sends them a message that they are on your mind and you aren’t over them.

You wrote to him and he didn’t reply. It’s expected. Why would he contact you? To say what? Personally I think he needs to be blocked and you need to stop any form of contact
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 06:01 AM
  #26
I agree with you, Divine. I definitely WILL NOT contact him again. I wrote him last December to confront the majority of his behaviors and to let him know I was getting married. There is no reason for me to reach out again... that would definitely send the wrong message and he would take it as an ego boost. He is blocked everywhere. He can email me though. Gmail does not actually block email addresses, it only filters the email elsewhere.
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