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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 12:12 PM
  #41
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Originally Posted by golden_eve View Post
He's geographically distant from me, so no triggers. he just pops into my mind very randomly and I cannot seem to control that.
I understand.

When you are in the midst of a relationship with the person, it is difficult to realize what is going on because he or she uses manipulation to distract you from the real problem.

It is when you get away from him or her that you start to see the clear picture of what was really going on, and that can stimulate legitimate emotions.

The more you educate yourself about abuse, the more you are able to see the dirt that lies beneath the surface. I still have that moment where I realize, "Oh, that's what she was doing back then and I didn't even see it!"

So it could be that you just need time to allow yourself to process everything.
 
 
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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 02:53 PM
  #42
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Originally Posted by ennie View Post
I understand.

When you are in the midst of a relationship with the person, it is difficult to realize what is going on because he or she uses manipulation to distract you from the real problem.

It is when you get away from him or her that you start to see the clear picture of what was really going on, and that can stimulate legitimate emotions.

The more you educate yourself about abuse, the more you are able to see the dirt that lies beneath the surface. I still have that moment where I realize, "Oh, that's what she was doing back then and I didn't even see it!"

So it could be that you just need time to allow yourself to process everything.

Good post, I’m experiencing something very similar to this. Abusers.... grrrrrrrrrr

“The dirt that lies beneath the surface” ... it takes time to fully realise this.. their dirt (grrrrrrrrrr)


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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 03:47 PM
  #43
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@TishaBuv thank you for this!!!!

I understand where you are coming from with your own circumstances. When the positives outweigh the negatives, I can see how you would choose the positives and choose to forgive in order to have a place in the family. That makes sense.

For me, the negatives far outweighed any positives.... as you probably know!!!

and yes, he did lose me to his addiction(s) and because of his evil, manipulative, lying and conning ways....

I don't know if I can feel sorry for him... well, maybe I can have pity for him? It's pretty pitiful.

Sometimes I refer to what Jesus said of his enemies: "they know not what they do", therefore he forgave.

I like this notion... it conveys that the enemy is truly ignorant of their actions..... which he is/was. But I'm sure he was also very aware of all his lies and manipulations.

I don't want to hold onto my anger, bitterness and hatred anymore.... and I know that forgiveness would release this from my soul.

I just don't want to ponder it anymore... it's been haunting me for two years now, and I am SO entirely sick of it all.

Yes, he hurt me. He hurt me VERY badly.

And I lost a LOT of money because of him.

And, in the end he made me feel like the relationship was SO easily disposable to him and unimportant. He said he loved his other ex fiance more than me when we broke up.... How hurtful is that?

This was AFTER I HAD SAVED HIM FROM HOMELESSNESS TWICE AND FINANCIALLY SUPPORTED HIM AND TOOK GREAT CARE OF HIM FOR FOUR MONTHS??????

How absolutely cruel, inhuman and monstrous to say something like that! Truly evil!!!!!!

And we had been engaged to be married!!!!! What a total D.I.C.K.

My anger and rage have been immense. But I need to let go now..... somehow.. some way..... I have to release it for my OWN SAKE.

HOW???? ARGH.
I hate the word "forgiveness" because it's so meaningless. But it sounds to me like you don't need to forgive him; you need to forgive yourself. Why would you let someone treat you the way he did? Why did you stay with an abuser? Why would you keep going back and letting him kick you down and hurt you again and again? You're basically saying that after all you did for him, after how vulnerable you made yourself and how willing you were to damage your own life in order to help him over and over and over,...well, you're basically saying you tried to buy his love, and he took what you gave him but didn't give you the love you felt your sacrifices entitled you to, which makes you feel ripped off and stolen from.

I say this because I was in a relationship like that (not as bad as yours, though), and it's what I came to understand eventually: I was actually pissed at myself, not the man I was with. If you keep banging your head against a wall, again and again but expecting it not to hurt you, can you blame the wall?

In my experience, you just have to let the rage run its course. There isn't some trick to making it go away faster. But it's been two years, you say? Do you still have contact with him? I think you just haven't faced the reasons you stayed in a relationship like that and allowed yourself to be used and treated so poorly. Did you say you've been in therapy? That would be a good idea, if not.
 
 
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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 05:48 PM
  #44
Thanks, but in NO WAY is this helpful. You are blaming ME. Your post is quite irritating and beyond annoying and unsupportive. I did NOT go back again and again. I kicked him out after four months of living together, and went back with great reservations ONCE. I was NOT used. I did NOT try to BUY HIS LOVE for Christ's sakes! Where the hell did you get that from? And where the hell are you coming from saying I went back to him again and again when that isn't even the truth.. ? Not even remotely! You're making up BS!

Do YOU KNOW anything about this relationship??? NO! So don't act like you do!

Please don't reply at all if you're not going to be even REMOTELY helpful.

MY MOST EDUCATED GUESS? YOU'RE TOTALLY PROJECTING YOUR OWN ABUSIVE SITUATION ONTO ME!!!!!! DON'T... and back the hell off.

Please just don't even reply again.

Last edited by Anonymous40643; Jun 26, 2019 at 06:08 PM..
 
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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 06:33 PM
  #45
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Originally Posted by golden_eve View Post
Thanks, but in NO WAY is this helpful. You are blaming ME. Your post is quite irritating and beyond annoying and unsupportive. I did NOT go back again and again. I kicked him out after four months of living together, and went back with great reservations ONCE. I was NOT used. I did NOT try to BUY HIS LOVE for Christ's sakes! Where the hell did you get that from? And where the hell are you coming from saying I went back to him again and again when that isn't even the truth.. ? Not even remotely! You're making up BS!

Do YOU KNOW anything about this relationship??? NO! So don't act like you do!

Please don't reply at all if you're not going to be even REMOTELY helpful.

MY MOST EDUCATED GUESS? YOU'RE TOTALLY PROJECTING YOUR OWN ABUSIVE SITUATION ONTO ME!!!!!! DON'T... and back the hell off.

Please just don't even reply again.
Wow, definitely sounds like you’ve got some issues to work out. Good luck to you.
 
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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 06:34 PM
  #46
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Originally Posted by Wildeve View Post
Wow, definitely sounds like you’ve got some issues to work out. Good luck to you.

As do you! Good luck to you as well. Please stay off my thread. thank you.
 
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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 06:40 PM
  #47
deleted.
 
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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 06:41 PM
  #48
Good. Please leave. You're projecting and you're rude by even suggesting what you have. Please go away now. I do not appreciate any single comment of yours. And you're blaming the victim. You have NO clue what he's like OR what I am like in person. He's the abuser, I was the victim. So go away!!!! Thank you.
 
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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 06:47 PM
  #49
I didn’t see wildeves post as being offensive (maybe some details were wrong but that’s not unusual).

I think he or she is just urging you to reflect on what happened as the way to heal. You only’ve been with him for 4 months (talking online doesn’t count as clearly he presented wrong persona) but you can’t forget him 2 years later because you are hurting. But you’ll keep hurting until you reflect and look at what happened without rose glasses.

When people say you were used, they don’t mean it as to offend you. It’s just meant for you to face reality. If you give a person debit card to buy groceries, and they go buy drugs, they are using you. If you support them, and they steal from you and don’t look for a job, they are using you. It’s not meant to offend you. It doesn’t make you look bad. You refuse to accept that but how do you call someone’s actions of misusing your funds if not using you?

You just have to face reality, and then you can heal. You are having hard time healing because you are hesitant to truly reflect on what really happened. You want him to ask forgiveness but he won’t. And you want proof that he was madly in love but you can’t get that proof. You aren’t inside his head. And what does it matter?

Everyone is supporting you. I don’t see anyone defending this guy and making you crazy or something. You just have to accept reality if you want to let it go. Otherwise you’ll not heal. Or maybe even repeat the same mistakes. We all have to reflect on our actions way more than analyzing others’ actions.

You can do it. Don’t be upset please. Everyone here is trying to be helpful in their own way
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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 06:49 PM
  #50
thanks, but I am closing this thread. I was an abuse victim. I fell into his trap of charming ways and manipulations. I am so done. This is not helping me. I AM DONE>
 
 
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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 07:07 PM
  #51
Oh yeah so let's ask what my ABUSER has to say about ME and how I act?? Seriously?? Let's blame the victim for being outraged at the abuse they suffered.

Last edited by Anonymous40643; Jun 26, 2019 at 07:38 PM..
 
 
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Default Jun 27, 2019 at 09:54 PM
  #52
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post

Don’t be upset please. Everyone here is trying to be helpful in their own way

Some "helping" could be provoking though. Just saying.
 
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Default Jun 28, 2019 at 05:27 AM
  #53
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Some "helping" could be provoking though. Just saying.

Exactly. I did ask for this thread to be closed for just that reason.
 
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Default Jun 28, 2019 at 07:28 PM
  #54
Closing Thread while Community Support Team discusses this thread

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