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Default Jun 23, 2019 at 04:30 PM
  #21
If he loved her so much, why weren’t they still together?

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Default Jun 23, 2019 at 04:32 PM
  #22
She cheated on him and ended the relationship. But that's besides the point. To say such a thing after everything I had done for him??
 
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Default Jun 23, 2019 at 04:38 PM
  #23
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Originally Posted by golden_eve View Post
She cheated on him and ended the relationship. But that's besides the point. To say such a thing after everything I had done for him??
Think about him telling you he loved her more, knowing she had cheated on him. You’d think he would hate her because she cheated. This is very telling about him. If he said he loved her more and only said that to hurt you, he was cruel. If he really believed he loved her more, he was emotionally disjointed.

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Default Jun 23, 2019 at 04:53 PM
  #24
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Think about him telling you he loved her more, knowing she had cheated on him. You’d think he would hate her because she cheated. This is very telling about him. If he said he loved her more and only said that to hurt you, he was cruel. If he really believed he loved her more, he was emotionally disjointed.
Yes, and IF he loved her more, then he totally used me.

People here tell me that he did use me, but I have a very hard time believing it because of how much and how often he told me he loved me. Every single day while we lived together. And when we were long distance? He was head over heels for me! And I for him!

I even have an email from him, two months before he made that claim, which told me he loved me more than anyone else.. & more than he ever has.
 
 
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Default Jun 23, 2019 at 06:29 PM
  #25
From what I’ve learned about people, gives me a feeling in my gut that he did not totally use you. His loving words to you were real to him, in his mind, when he said them.

IME, no one said they loved me who didn’t. The ones who dumped me and sent me reeling, had never said they loved me. These guys didn’t even have to lie about loving me because I was that easy, they didn’t need to lie.

I spoke to one many years later who said he ran away because he wasn’t ready and knew I was everything he wanted. When the one dumped me who I spoke of with you earlier, my mom said he dumped me to do me a favor because he did love me, but he knew he was too messed up and didn’t want to ruin my life. Of course, this caused me endless rumination.

Your ex could have used plenty of other women, but he chose you because he really did want you. Sure, he did use you for obvious financial reasons, but my gut tells me he did have honest feelings for you. You are people smart and I’m sure you would have sensed if he was only just using you.

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Default Jun 23, 2019 at 07:17 PM
  #26
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
From what I’ve learned about people, gives me a feeling in my gut that he did not totally use you. His loving words to you were real to him, in his mind, when he said them.

IME, no one said they loved me who didn’t. The ones who dumped me and sent me reeling, had never said they loved me. These guys didn’t even have to lie about loving me because I was that easy, they didn’t need to lie.

I spoke to one many years later who said he ran away because he wasn’t ready and knew I was everything he wanted. When the one dumped me who I spoke of with you earlier, my mom said he dumped me to do me a favor because he did love me, but he knew he was too messed up and didn’t want to ruin my life. Of course, this caused me endless rumination.

Your ex could have used plenty of other women, but he chose you because he really did want you. Sure, he did use you for obvious financial reasons, but my gut tells me he did have honest feelings for you. You are people smart and I’m sure you would have sensed if he was only just using you.

Yes, and thank you.

I would have sensed it... he would write me notes sometimes saying he couldn't wait to marry me.

He would tell me I was his everything, his world.. his entire world, and the most important person to him in his life. He even called me his family.

I wish he would tell me the things you heard long after or years later.
 
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Default Jun 23, 2019 at 07:43 PM
  #27
I am not saying he used you or that he didn’t love you. But I wouldn’t put that much weight on things he said. Actions speak louder than words. His actions indicate that he is a very messed up and dishonest individual. So what he said or didn’t say can’t really matter that much. It wasn’t even that long of a relationship honestly to ruin your peace of mind.

You yourself said he majorly abused you so why does it matter that he told you how much he loved you all while abusing you?

What about it that you just can’t let go? Honestly golden you are a newlywed. It’s been like only a month. Why do you spend so much energy thinking about what loving words this other man said to you? I’d feel worried if a month after my wedding I thought what loving words my exes told me.

Have you talked to your therapist about it? Does she have any suggestions? It makes me wonder if there is some subconscious reason why you focus on this unimportant guy and not your very very new marriage?
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Default Jun 23, 2019 at 07:46 PM
  #28
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Yes, and thank you.

I would have sensed it... he would write me notes sometimes saying he couldn't wait to marry me.

He would tell me I was his everything, his world.. his entire world, and the most important person to him in his life. He even called me his family.

I wish he would tell me the things you heard long after or years later.
Maybe you will hear something that gives you solace one day.

BTW- these two exes I speak of were both addicts. Yours was an addict. These issues take it beyond a romantic relationship with a non addict.

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Default Jun 23, 2019 at 07:47 PM
  #29
@Divine1966, I just learned recently that he stole from me in order to secretly buy DXM and secretly trip while we were living together. YET ANOTHER LIE and I am OUTRAGED to learn this!!! That's why. Bottom line. I just cannot get over it and it's been two years. It's maddening for me... do you think it's not maddening for me just after I've even been married? The anger and the rage persist and I cannot get past it. That's my challenge. That's why I am asking about how to forgive someone. I feel forgiveness is the only way i can let go of my rage. My therapist is NO HELP.
 
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Default Jun 23, 2019 at 07:52 PM
  #30
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
Maybe you will hear something that gives you solace one day.

BTW- these two exes I speak of were both addicts. Yours was an addict. These issues take it beyond a romantic relationship with a non addict.

Yes, maybe I will. And yes, they sure do go far beyond a non-addict's issues.
 
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Default Jun 23, 2019 at 07:54 PM
  #31
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@Divine1966, I just learned recently that he stole from me in order to buy DXM and trip while we were living together. That's why. I don't need questions about why I am focusing on this when I am newly married, however. I think of you like an older sister, but if you read my other thread in the relationship forum, it spells it all out more clearly. I cannot get over it. Bottom line. I just cannot get over it and it's been two years. It's maddening for me... do you think it's not maddening for me just after I've even been married? The anger and the rage persist and I cannot get past it. That's my challenge. That's why I am asking about how to forgive someone. I feel forgiveness is the only way i can let go of my rage. My therapist is NO HELP.
Hey! Were you referring to me as “older sister”? Lol we are about same age and I am so not old lol I had to laugh at that.

If you do feel that you need to forgive then maybe think of addiction as illness. You’d forgive if person did something because he was sick right? So he did things like stealing and lying and not working and saying abusive crap etc because he is sick and doesn’t know any better and that was addiction talking. Addiction makes people do horrid things. Addicts would do anything for their next fix. They could be the nicest people but addiction would rule over their lives and would make them do and say crap

So just look at it that way. Maybe that would help.
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Default Jun 23, 2019 at 08:00 PM
  #32
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Hey! Were you referring to me as “older sister”? Lol we are about same age and I am so not old lol I had to laugh at that.

If you do feel that you need to forgive then maybe think of addiction as illness. You’d forgive if person did something because he was sick right? So he did things like stealing and lying and not working and saying abusive crap etc because he is sick and doesn’t know any better and that was addiction talking. Addiction makes people do horrid things. Addicts would do anything for their next fix.

So just look at it that way. Maybe that would help.

HEHE! You're I think only a couple years older, but you are wiser than me so I think of you as an older sister type. That's a compliment!

That's a great perspective to have... thank you, it does help me a bit. What is most irritating is now he is counseling people online about responsible drug use!!!! Acting all mature and responsible now. As though he's grown up, yet STILL no apologies to me, even after I've confronted him on his horrible treatment of me. Yet again, another facade he's building online.
 
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Default Jun 23, 2019 at 08:10 PM
  #33
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HEHE! You're I think only a couple years older, but you are wiser than me so I think of you as an older sister type. That's a compliment!

That's a great perspective to have... thank you, it does help me a bit. What is most irritating is now he is counseling people online about responsible drug use!!!! Acting all mature and responsible now. As though he's grown up, yet STILL no apologies to me, even after I've confronted him on his horrible treatment of me. Yet again, another facade he's building online.
Thank you, but I don’t think I am wiser. We all have different strengths.

It’s all an act. I know couple of messed up people who think they can counsel others. Like one woman is an abuser but keeps talking online how she wants to counsel abuse victims. Hm ok... he builds facade because he is sick.

When do addicts lie? When they open their mouth. I had a high functioning alcoholic boyfriend, he had a heart attack right after I left him and moved out (possibly stress of me leaving, who knows) .

I felt bad as we were pretty much a family so I went to the hospital of course as his kids were out of town and no other family. So doctor asks him if he drinks and he said “I don’t, maybe occasionally one drink”. I literally said to a doctor in front of him: he’d be on his death bed and still tell people he doesn’t drink. Unbelievable
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Default Jun 23, 2019 at 08:16 PM
  #34
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Thank you, but I don’t think I am wiser. We all have different strengths.

It’s all an act. I know couple of messed up people who think they can counsel others. Like one woman is an abuser but keeps talking online how she wants to counsel abuse victims. Hm ok... he builds facade because he is sick.

When do addicts lie? When they open their mouth. I had a high functioning alcoholic boyfriend, he had a heart attack right after I left him and moved out (possibly stress of me leaving, who knows) .

I felt bad as we were pretty much a family so I went to the hospital of course as his kids were out of town and no other family. So doctor asks him if he drinks and he said “I don’t, maybe occasionally one drink”. I literally said to a doctor in front of him: he’d be on his death bed and still tell people he doesn’t drink. Unbelievable

Yes, he is a liar and a fraud. He builds his self confidence based on these false personas he builds online, where no one can really know or see the full truth. I almost think or wonder if he is a sociopath. He also clearly still doesn't work and lives at home at the age of 34.
 
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Default Jun 23, 2019 at 08:43 PM
  #35
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Thank you @seesaw!

I have tried that route as well. By thinking he is very sick and disturbed. Even that doesn’t help me fully..

I get very deeply upset by injustices. And I hold onto an injustice far longer than I should in the eyes of society.

That relationship, he, was unjust towards me.

What gets me the most is in the surface he seems like a very caring, decent and wonderful person. But he’s not. He’s a total con artist and a pathological liar underneath that facade.

Then to learn that while I was stressing about financially supporting both of us that he was secretly buying and using drugs while I needed him to get a job ASAP? Then to later tell me that he loved his other ex more????

Yes two years later and I am still beside myself over his behavior. Maybe I’m nowhere near forgiveness.
If you think it's just about thinking he's ill and disturbed then you've missed the point. Forgiveness means finding compassion for the other person. Compassion means understanding their nature. It also means you may not be able to understand logically, but you can accept that however they behave is what they know and how they know to behave, and they are incapable of behaving otherwise.

You keep saying you want to forgive but then keep bringing up all the specific incidences of what he did to you. Unless there is specific emotional damage from those incidents, then you need to stop giving those "wrongs" space in your head.

You keep asking why he did those things to you. You are stuck on the why and I think that's why you can't forgive at this point. You are giving him a lot of power over you right now. And taking it back isn't like turning on a switch. It's constantly reminding yourself and redirecting your thoughts to positive thoughts until whenever he comes up in your mind you can just swat it away like a gnat.

Someone on one of these two threads mentioned ruminating, and I do think you are ruminating. It's not a judgment. I ruminate often too. It's part of PTSD and numerous disorders. We get stuck in this feedback loop. Try to work on redirecting your thoughts out of the loop.

Hope this helps. I feel for you, really. And I get it. I went through this and STILL go through this with the abuse from my parents and my brothers. Even with practicing forgiveness, I often have to give myself some time to process whatever new thing I remembered. But I also don't let it go on and on and on. I try to honor that something bad happened to me and acknowledge it's okay for me to feel bad because of it. And then I honor that I don't want them to have any more power over my life.

I want to say more but my dog is forcing himself between me and my laptop, lol.

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Default Jun 23, 2019 at 09:14 PM
  #36
Do you have to read what he posts online? It probably causes you to think more about him if you keep reading it. Block him/unfriend/don’t go on the same sites etc cut all contacts.

I really don’t see any reason to maintain contacts or associate with or know what exes do unless of course contact needs to be maintained when there are kids involved or when people remained friends.

I didn’t per se brought up an example of my alcoholic ex to show that they are liars and frauds, he actually wasn’t a fraud and is a very nice person but addicts are usually deeply ashamed of their addictions so they are in denial and often believe their own lies to make themselves feel better.

So I brought this up to show that addicts lie because of an addiction regardless if they are nice people or not. So think of it as addiction caused your ex to do crazy things.

Listen at least you got out quick. I spent 8 years in hopes he’d remain sober longer than a year. He promptly relapsed every year. And refused to go to AA, apparently he could just quit. Yeah ok. Apparently because he had a high profile job and was well off and very functioning alcoholism wasn’t a big deal. Hm

Finally it clicked that he’ll never fully quit and I lost hope and stopped listening to promises and then I was done. Sad story all together.

But I didn’t have to stay. I made decision to stay but then I made decision to leave. Same way you didn’t have to do all those things you did. No one forced you to. We can only control ourselves. You can control your story. You chose a partner who was not right for you. And now it’s over. What he does now isn’t important. Make a decision now to be done with him mentally.

PS my husband spent almost 30 years in bad marriage. We are now paying her alimony because he could never make her get a job (that’s just one issue out of many) and kids are estranged from her because she is a scary human being. So I’d say compare to that you did well. Didn’t get entangled. Pat yourself on a back. Look on a bright side. You could marry him and support him for life. Jeez. What a prospect. You are free of him forever
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 06:09 AM
  #37
@seesaw, thank you. Yes, I do ruminate BADLY. And I realize I am stuck there. I also sense his energy around me a lot, even though I try my hardest to not think of him. It is a part of being an empath/medium I guess, which I am still learning about. I've had other mediums tell me that I am picking up on his energy because he thinks of me a lot. I cannot seem to break the energy around me. I have, but it comes back again and again. I am speaking now purely from a spiritual place, which many wont' understand or know much about... I am learning myself about it. When I have told the energy to go away, I do feel it leaving. Then it returns. One medium even told me that he is trying to reach me on the spiritual plane psychically. I feel this.... So this relates as well to my rumination.

@divine1966, thank you as well. He is more than just an addict. I think he's sociopathic. What he does is pathological... his lies are pathological. He even believes his own lies, I think. And he has no conscience. At least your ex was a nice person. My ex is not, or else he wouldn't have behaved the way he did. So there's way more than addiction with him.... he's very disturbed.
 
 
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Default Jun 25, 2019 at 11:23 AM
  #38
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I’m not sure how one can forgive a totally abusive person. Mine have all been a mixture of good and evil. I am able to forgive because I choose to focus on the positives which outweigh the negatives. Plus I want to have a family. I can’t bear the thought of being totally estranged. So they don’t respect me. Boundaries? What boundaries? I just prefer to tiptoe and hold some place in the family.

For you, forgiving a person no longer in your life who only did you dirty, maybe you can just feel sorry for them. They lost a great woman (you)! They were their own worst enemy. They had a monkey on their back with addiction. Addicts don’t honor those who love them because the drugs win every time. They don’t honor themselves.
Thanks for posting this

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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 12:04 AM
  #39
Hi Eve. Is this person local and connected to you in any way via mutual contacts? Or is he far away and completely disconnected from your circle that there is no chance of you two crossing paths ever again?

For me, being on guard (because my former emotional abuser is local, and I am related to her and have mutual contacts) has interfered with the process of forgiveness.

I feel like forgiveness could lead to me letting my guard down.

Also, having to bump into her once in a while in person or hear about what she said from the mutual contacts/ other family members have been triggering for me.

Is there a triggering factor for you? Like, you have mutual friends on Facebook and you see his photo or name show up on your friends page? Is there something in your life that reminds you of him like maybe a necklace he gave you? Is there a way to get rid of/ cut off what brings back memories?
 
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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 06:04 AM
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Hi Eve. Is this person local and connected to you in any way via mutual contacts? Or is he far away and completely disconnected from your circle that there is no chance of you two crossing paths ever again?

For me, being on guard (because my former emotional abuser is local, and I am related to her and have mutual contacts) has interfered with the process of forgiveness.

I feel like forgiveness could lead to me letting my guard down.

Also, having to bump into her once in a while in person or hear about what she said from the mutual contacts/ other family members have been triggering for me.

Is there a triggering factor for you? Like, you have mutual friends on Facebook and you see his photo or name show up on your friends page? Is there something in your life that reminds you of him like maybe a necklace he gave you? Is there a way to get rid of/ cut off what brings back memories?

He's geographically distant from me, so no triggers. he just pops into my mind very randomly and I cannot seem to control that.
 
 
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