Forgiveness of majorly abusive person?

I've held onto the pain of it for so long, maybe it's time to forgive in my heart so I can finally truly let go?

But how does one accomplish this? Especially of someone who was so entirely manipulative, a pathological liar, a cheater, abusive alcoholic and you name it.... ?

@TishaBuv your thread on here about forgiveness inspired me to try and forgive my former abuser. I want to.

I’m not sure how one can forgive a totally abusive person. Mine have all been a mixture of good and evil. I am able to forgive because I choose to focus on the positives which outweigh the negatives. Plus I want to have a family. I can’t bear the thought of being totally estranged. So they don’t respect me. Boundaries? What boundaries? I just prefer to tiptoe and hold some place in the family.

For you, forgiving a person no longer in your life who only did you dirty, maybe you can just feel sorry for them. They lost a great woman (you)! They were their own worst enemy. They had a monkey on their back with addiction. Addicts don’t honor those who love them because the drugs win every time. They don’t honor themselves.

@TishaBuv thank you for this!!!!

I understand where you are coming from with your own circumstances. When the positives outweigh the negatives, I can see how you would choose the positives and choose to forgive in order to have a place in the family. That makes sense.

For me, the negatives far outweighed any positives.... as you probably know!!!

and yes, he did lose me to his addiction(s) and because of his evil, manipulative, lying and conning ways....

I don't know if I can feel sorry for him... well, maybe I can have pity for him? It's pretty pitiful.

Sometimes I refer to what Jesus said of his enemies: "they know not what they do", therefore he forgave.

I like this notion... it conveys that the enemy is truly ignorant of their actions..... which he is/was. But I'm sure he was also very aware of all his lies and manipulations.

I don't want to hold onto my anger, bitterness and hatred anymore.... and I know that forgiveness would release this from my soul.

I just don't want to ponder it anymore... it's been haunting me for two years now, and I am SO entirely sick of it all.

Yes, he hurt me. He hurt me VERY badly.

And I lost a LOT of money because of him.

And, in the end he made me feel like the relationship was SO easily disposable to him and unimportant. He said he loved his other ex fiance more than me when we broke up.... How hurtful is that?

This was AFTER I HAD SAVED HIM FROM HOMELESSNESS TWICE AND FINANCIALLY SUPPORTED HIM AND TOOK GREAT CARE OF HIM FOR FOUR MONTHS??????

How absolutely cruel, inhuman and monstrous to say something like that! Truly evil!!!!!!

And we had been engaged to be married!!!!! What a total D.I.C.K.

My anger and rage have been immense. But I need to let go now..... somehow.. some way..... I have to release it for my OWN SAKE.

HOW???? ARGH.

Forgiveness is for the forgiver. You are not doing it to absolve them or cosign their BS. In fact I'd say they do not need to know when you do. Its for you to have peace and put things behind you. Forgiveness IMO is not about letting people of the hook or to make them feel better. its so YOU can forgive yourself for staying, and forgive the abusive acts committed. Its for you to move on with no more baggage, it is not to offer him the chance at reparations. You can forgive someone and you do not have any obligation to tell them you have. Why make them feel better or open the door to contact?

@sarahsweets, thank you!

What I struggle with is the how of how to forgive.

Like for instance, what thoughts does one have or carry inside themselves in order to FEEL they have forgiven and therefore, can let go of all the anger?

I have a very strong disdain for injustices in life... and this was an injustice to my very soul and spirit.
I gave SO much of my heart, life and very soul to this person, only to have him completely squash and harm me in the worst of ways with his evil words.

And whenever I think of him, I get so very angry!!!!

The only thing I can come up with is what I just wrote above to Tisha:

What Jesus said: "he knows not what he does", therefore, I forgive.

So what are the thoughts one can hold about such a situation?

I forgive you for being an abusive A.S.S.H.O.L.E to me and for practically bringing me to my financial ruin. I forgive you for being a lying, manipulative, cheat because you know no better in life than to be evil towards people. I forgive you for being a low-life because that's what you are and that's what you will always be.

I just don't know what thoughts I need to have in order to truly forgive and let go... ?

So I don't know what thoughts I need to have in order to forgive? Anyone know?

This is what I have learned about forgiveness and letting go over the years of therapy and reading everything I could get my hands on to get better: for me and the monster family I somehow survived, when I accepted and validated the emotions I had tied up in their abuse, I slowly healed.

Facing that mountain of toxic waste they buried me in and getting myself PAST it strengthened me. Plus, the problems connected to that became easier to navigate. It took me some time, and I cried a lot, but that no longer bothers me like it did. <<<<That right there is the benefit of facing and accepting what is nagging to get our attention. Once we release it having validated it, it loses power over us. Those problems I had do not stop my dead in my tracks like they did. Some are there and they pop into my head once in a while, but I keep going easily.

Am I making clear the difference?

ALSO: I started with accepting my reality. for example, I could not fathom what monsters my mother and two sisters were. Mother is dead and they still are monsters, but you get my drift, I think. And, honestly, today, I still don't understand what type of "being" can see a little kid upset and crying and make it worse for that child. I just realized the person who does that is repeating and projecting what someone did to them, possibly.

So, I slowly went through the layers of my thoughts, because that is my reality, and accepted them a little at a time. PACING yourself is crucial! Take.Your.Time.

And now, look at what I can do because of that. I can pass along how I got better.

Thank you. I’m glad you found a way to heal. That’s great!

However, I am struggling with the thoughts I need to have in order to forgive him.

I understand and validate all my anger and rage. It doesn’t help me personally though to heal. I’ve journaled my feelings and that hasn’t helped. The only way is through forgiveness but I don’t know how.

I am also trying to avoid constantly getting mired in a swamp of feelings in order to move on to doing things that will help me move ahead . Some people are toxic for us. We have to set boundaries and use finesse so as not to lose family or friends that do have an important contribution to make in our lives, but staying stuck in the past will impede our forward progress, if the past was yesterday or long ago. I dont think its absolutely necessary to forgive everyone. It’s our choice.
If we’re stuck on it, process it somewhat but DONT LET IT IMPEDE FORWARD PROGRESS ON REACHING YOUR GOALS, GETTING YOUR NEEDS MET. I had an alcoholic father who tried hard to be a decent person and dad and was his own worst enemy and a people please passive aggressive mother, not great for teaching me how to get my needs met, but IM LEARNING FROM ALL OF YOU, ESPECIALLY FROM THE NO ********, DONT BE A CHUMP FOLKS HERE TO MOVE FORWARD. I think Sweets, Divine, and Bird Dancer with all her positive ideas deserve special mention on this issue of not getting bogged down.

This is something I struggle with everyday and to be honest I don't know at least yet in my recovery how to forgive the people that were involved in my abuse. In some ways the two people that kidnapped me got what they they deserved in being put in jail for a very long time. As for all those who bought me on the Dark Web through the two people who kidnapped me and used me for there selfish needs they walk free and most likely continue to do the same to others who suffer in these horrible situations. I just don't know how I can forgive any of them for what they did to me. Maybe time will heal this, but now I just can't.

Thank you. I appreciate your thoughts and agree. Thing is, I have moved on and forward in many ways. Where I’m stuck is on forgiving the unforgivable... moving on from the anger and pain. I’m married now and have long “moved on”. I cannot get past the pain of what happened though and not even therapy is helping.

I’m so sorry you went through that! How absolutely horrible.

I challenge the notion that to heal you have to forgive. It may help you heal to forgive but it's not the only way to heal.

In my experience forgiveness is not a decision or choice that you simply make to forgive. Forgiveness is almost like a journey of understanding. For example, with my mother and all her abuse. I could not forgive her until I could stop seeing her from the viewpoint of the abused and recognized that she was very ill and literally could not help but abuse me. Therefore my anger towards her dissipated because I saw her acting on her wounds and hurting others. It doenst mean i dont set boundaries. It doesnt invalidate my pain from her actions. And it doesnt mean i dont hold her accountable. But it means over processed and dealt with my anger.

I think forgiveness, at least in my opinion, means you've let go of the anger and will not let it rule your life any more. I think you are still processing the anger and therefore not in a place of forgiveness yet. That's okay. Like I said, it's a journey.

With your ex, what I would see and would help me is seeing how sick he is. And seeing that how he behaved, his lies and manipulations are how he interacts with the world to stay safe. While it hurt me, I acknowledge that this is the only way he knows how to behave. But even knowing that does not release the anger. It's not a magic button. That's the myth everyone seems to propagate. Forgiveness doesnt happen instantaneously.

It's also okay to stay angry. You dont have to forgive. You are not required to forgive. And also, remember that a person does not have to ask for forgiveness or be repentant for you to give it.

Oh, another thing: this was still relatively recent, Golden_eve. You just left him for good like 2 years ago? That's still relatively fresh in terms of abuse, etc. It may take more time that that.

Thank you @seesaw!

I have tried that route as well. By thinking he is very sick and disturbed. Even that doesn’t help me fully..

I get very deeply upset by injustices. And I hold onto an injustice far longer than I should in the eyes of society.

That relationship, he, was unjust towards me.

What gets me the most is in the surface he seems like a very caring, decent and wonderful person. But he’s not. He’s a total con artist and a pathological liar underneath that facade.

Then to learn that while I was stressing about financially supporting both of us that he was secretly buying and using drugs while I needed him to get a job ASAP? Then to later tell me that he loved his other ex more????

Yes two years later and I am still beside myself over his behavior. Maybe I’m nowhere near forgiveness.

Honeybunnies, what are your exact thoughts and emotions tied to those thoughts that are tripping you up? I can't believe that happened to me, I can't believe he did that? If you were to put them into words, what would they be?

You don't have to answer me here. You don't even have to message me, I am just trying to clarify to make my point. If something is bouncing around in your head, what is it trying to tell you? Also, there might be something else in the way that you need to address before you can get to the place you want to be.

Am I helping? I am trying to help. Maybe just mull that over for a while and come back to it and see what pops into your head.

This is a really great, valuable thread!

I think it feels a lot like the Stages of Grief: The 5 Stages of Grief & Loss

I agree, you don’t have to forgive, and you don’t have to forgive to heal. Maybe there’s a place after the stages of grief, where you lessen the anger and pain and can get to a better place emotionally, then maybe even forgive.

You say he ‘knows not what he does’. Do you believe that? He knew what he was doing and chose to do it anyway. To me, it’s more like the expression “the devil made me do it”. He might not have wanted to be a thief, but he wanted those drugs, so you were a casualty.

I’m so sorry you learned this new thing about what he did to you. It opened a healing wound, retraumatizing you.

My heart goes out to the others on this thread, too.

“Then to later tell me that he loved his other ex more????”

He said that to hurt you. People say hurtful stuff in a breakup. It’s awful. He loved her more? So then did he steal a little less from her???

Thank you all... the thoughts that trip me up? I guess it’s disbelief on how awful he was to me after ALL I had done to help him. Such lack of gratitude and appreciation. He stomped all over my heart and love in the end with what he said about his ex. That is monstrous behavior. It was the icing on the cake of abusive behavior. Yes said to hurt me but do I know the full truth? Did he love her more? When I had uprooted my whole life to save him from homelessness? And when I had supported him financially for four months? Buying him weed every week for his nausea for months?? Then to tell me he loved her more?? That denigrates me and our relationship to practically meaningless! Then to recently learn that he stole from me? The thoughts I have are pure outrage!! I am completely enraged with him.