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Bob Ross
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Trig Jun 22, 2019 at 06:15 PM
  #1
I've been trying for years to know what the right thing to do in my situation is, to no avail. This is going to be a rather long post as well,

My parents split up when I was 7 and I lived with my mother from then, up until I was 15, when she kicked me out. During that time, I endured different forms of neglect and emotional abuse.

The abuse/neglect truly began when I was about 9. We were fairly poor, and my mother was becoming an alcoholic. Because of this, the very little money that we had left over after rent, generally went to her alcohol rather than food for my older brother(4 years older) and me. For the most part, her alcoholism never got too bad, as in I'd generally only miss one meal a day and was never physically abused, although during her worst times there would be days in which I would eat nothing at all. As well as this, during certain times we couldn't pay for electricity or hot water, but she could afford her beer and food for herself. The worst memory I have of her alcoholism, is when she got drunk with her friend, and then decided that I needed a hair cut. Despite my protests and tears, she proceeded to cut my long hair very short and horribly uneven, and I was very embarrassed to go to school afterwards because of it.

In 7th grade is when the abuse truly peaked, in my opinion. It had been about half a year since she gave birth to my sister, and she regularly was very angry about very little. An example of such, is the day after Christmas when I had gotten home from riding my bike, set it down inside, and went to go clean up some space in my room to place the bike there. She wanted me to put the bike in my room immediately, however I had to first make space, which she pretended to not understand. She then began screaming at me in anger, went into my room, and threw all of my items around, breaking some of them, and creating an even larger mess. I forget what I said to her, but she must've not liked it because she then tackled me onto my bed, held me down and slapped me multiple times(didn't really hurt). Confused, I lied there crying as she walked out of the room and said to me something along the lines of "I swear to ****ing god if this room isn't clean when I'm back then you're REALLY going to see how mean I can be." After this event, I talked to my guidance counselor for advice, I was genuinely afraid for my life when I was near her because of how angry she would get over nothing, and how much she would scream. CPS later came to our house, talked to her, and then left. This is when the abuse really primed.

I was immediately punished for "betraying the family", and her punishment, which will sound rather tame, was to essentially make me sit in a corner. I was told that everyday after school, I was to immediately walk home, and sit in a chair in a corner of our apartment(not facing the wall), until it was bedtime. That added up to about 6-7 hours everyday, and I was no longer allowed to visit my father. In total, this added up to over 500 hours over the course of 2-3 months. During my time in the corner, I would be regularly told by my mother that she hated me, that she couldn't wait to get rid of me, that I was a piece of ****, a traitor to the family. I would never break down and started crying though, I was scared to show any emotion, because the one time I did cry, she bullied me because of it, calling me pathetic, and dramatic. She would guilt me, saying that I don't know what abuse is, because she was raped as a child by her father, and brutally beaten by her mother. During this time, I obeyed every command from her, not once did I step out of line. I contemplated suicide every god damn day, only holding on because of my hatred for my mother, and my wish to protect my little sister. I planned to run away, there were so many times where she would walk into her room and then not be watching me, and I'd think "Now's my chance", but ultimately I was too scared of her and what she'd do to me if I didn't succeed.

After about two and a half months of this, she began to lessen the punishment, first allowing me to walk freely around the house, then eventually returning my life back to normal. I remember the day that she officially gave me the right to walk around the house, she made me apologize to her, then she said she loved me, and even though I hated her more than anything in the world, I said it back out of fear.

There were more small incidents, like when she found out that my brother cut himself(he carved the word "Why?" into his arm) and she began screaming at him and grounded him, he received no presents for his birthday that year, essentially though, she was still regularly very mean.

She kicked me out one day during Freshman year because I refused to sleep in my room because it was infested with wasps. She thought this was very unreasonable of me, and demanded that I sleep in there, or leave. I chose to leave and then moved in with my dad. When she was screaming and yelling at me as I walked out the door, I politely responded "I'm sorry, I love you, I'll see you tomorrow", to which she responded "Get the **** out". After this, she tried to get me kicked out of school and did other petty unrelated things.

Months later, I thought maybe I should try to open up contact again, and we arranged for me to visit. I did, and it was kind of awkward, but I was happy that I'd gotten to see my sister because I missed her so much. She's autistic, and because I was no longer a part of her daily schedule, she sort of ignored me the whole time, but I was hoping the next time I saw her, that she'd be nicer and we'd get to play. I believe my mother may have been aware of this, and I speculate that's why she did what she did next. Admittedly, this part is sort of my fault, but how I messed up I feel did not justify how I was treated. After about a week I asked if I could visit again on Friday, she responded, "Maybe another (my name)". This was generally her sense of humor, so I took that as a yes, I mean her answer couldn't legitimately be that another person with my name could visit and not me. On Friday after school I took the bus to her apartment complex, and buzzed the doorbell multiple times and was purposely ignored. I knew a way to get in from the back, so I went in, and knocked on her door, figuring the buzzer must not be working. Inside I could hear my mother and my sister playing, I knocked, I called for them, I knew she could hear me, but she just ignored me. I called her, I texted her, and was still ignored. A few hours later, she texted me saying that she didn't know I was there, I haven't attempted to visit her since.

My brother and I have different fathers, however he was raised by mine, and thus for his whole life leading up to this, he's called him "dad" and seen him as his father. There was no difference in treatment between him and I, and he loved us both exactly the same. After I was kicked out, my mother manipulated my brother into not wanting to see my father ever again, and it seems as if truly doesn't. Because of this, I can essentially never see my brother anymore. As well as this, it's been years since I've seen my sister. I miss them both dearly, I've cried too many times thinking about how I'll probably never see my sister again and how I miss her so much, but that alone is not enough for me to try again with my mother. She's regularly been attempting contact with me, however it seems very fake. She will text me as if there is no conflict between us out of the blue, and say things like "How was band camp?". I ignore these. One time I sent her a letter pretty much saying that I thought it was very clear to me that she was sending these only to make me suffer, and told her if I was wrong, to prove it by owning up to her actions. She responded positively, however it sounded horribly fake, and I never responded back.

It's been about a year since then, and I don't know what I should do. I want to forgive her and reopen up contact so I can see my sister again, and so that maybe she can fix stuff between my brother and my father, but she has never/very rarely admitted to lying or admitted to having fault for anything. Right now she owes us 2k in child support and we have the option to request enforcement and request that her license is revoked, which can to some extent be used as leverage, however I don't want to be hostile and that sounds cruel. Should I attempt to reopen contact with my mother, and if so, how? How should I go about the situation between her and my brother, and what should I do to make sure I am not manipulated by her, because she is a master at that? Any advice for anything I've mentioned would be absolutely awesome.

Additional info: My birthday was 11 days ago and my mom texted me saying "Happy Birthday, (myname)! We have a present for you!", so I can use that to help in reopening contact. As well as that, my sister's 4th birthday is in exactly two months, and it'd be nice to be there. I've also attached the letter I sent to her, and her response for reference. It's definitely not necessary to read, but it provides more insight to what communications have been like and reveals more background.

I don't know if this matters but I'm putting it here because I someone said it can be a serious form of abusive behavior in another post. She gaslighted me when I lived with her, generally placing fault on me for the abuse, and made me question who was in the wrong. She as well would purposely start fights with me that I would try to avoid, and then accuse me of being argumentative if I tried to defend against her accusations(can't think of a good example). She would lie often even if there was evidence proving she was wrong, and alter stories and then accuse me of having a terrible memory if my version of the story differed from hers.

My mother as well is in possession of a few items of mine that I'd like back(my yearbooks, many decks of cards, a water pick, much more), and she claims she doesn't have them anymore and I'm certain she does.

Thank you to anyone who actually read this far and an even bigger thanks to anyone who responds and tries to help, it means a lot.
Attached Files
File Type: txt My Letter.txt (4.9 KB, 6 views)
File Type: txt Her Response.txt (923 Bytes, 3 views)

Last edited by CANDC; Jun 22, 2019 at 07:34 PM.. Reason: Add trigger OP request
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Default Jun 23, 2019 at 07:13 AM
  #2
I am so sorry that your mother treated you like that when she should have been loving, caring and supportive, as a mother. In reading this, I believe you are a person who has been wounded deeply but is willing to forgive in order to have a relationship with your brother, and especially, your sister. I understand. If only your mother would realize her need for help and get it for herself and for all of you children to heal from this abuse from a very disturbed person. She is to be pitied to be her and not realize she needs help. You sound like you would forgive if you could.

Right now she knows that she holds your siblings as control over you. The best thing you can do is to live your life and be the best you can be at whatever you do, be it school, sports, friendships, work. Break the cycle with you. You have a future that you are free to pursue. Break free of the past. Do not stay stuck there. Think of what you like to do- be it helping others, music, math, science, cooking, I don’t know what you like to do but be sure it’s a good thing to pursue. Then try it, go for it. You will get stronger and healthier. Be the best you can be. If you are of a spiritual nature, you could meditate or pray for your mom and your siblings to want to get help. You will see how your life will take flight and in time, at the right time, there will be hope to see your siblings and, Lord willing, your mom will get help and you can have a healthy and beautiful relationship. You only have control over your life. Make good decisions and I believe you will be much happier and stronger. Be good, do good for others. It is our purpose not to live for ourselves but to be a blessing. You can take what you have experienced and be more sensitive to the needs of others. But work at doing a good job at wherever you are right now. Take stock of the gifts and talents you have, or want to pursue, and be happy and free. You can do it. I believe in your kind spirit, in spite of what has happened to you and maybe even because of it. God bless you dear.

Last edited by CANDC; Jun 28, 2019 at 07:46 PM.. Reason: Avoid discussion of religion
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Smile Jun 23, 2019 at 03:08 PM
  #3
Hello Bob Ross: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. I see this is your first post. So... welcome to Psych Central. One additional forum that may be of interest to you, here on PC, would be the relationships & communication forum. Here's a link:

https://psychcentralforums.com/relat...communication/

I'm sorry you have experienced so much abuse in your life. No one, it seems to me, should have to grow up under those conditions. You asked if you should attempt to reopen contact with your mother. Honestly I can't tell you what to do here. I used to know a guy who was fond of saying: "If you want to see which way the bullet's going, look down the barrel of the gun." If you re-read what you've written here, I fear you'll see what you're likely to encounter if you do make that attempt. Only you know whether the possible benefits you mentioned in your post are worth what you may have to endure in the process.

My thinking, with regard to this, is that it is all so complicated, it would not be possible for any of us here on PC to give you any really good advice or guidance. I think this is all something you perhaps might want to approach with the help of an experienced counselor or mental health therapist... someone who has the expertise to guide you over a period of time. This is all not something that is going to be resolved by either trying to re-establish contact with your mother or deciding not to do so. The effects of what you have experienced are going to be something you're going to deal with for the rest of your life. And the sooner you make a start at coming to terms with it the better, from my perspective.

Here are links to 6 articles, from Psych Central's archives, on the subject of coping with toxic parents that perhaps may help to provide you with some perspective:

Are Your Parents Toxic?

15 Signs You Have Toxic Parents | Happily Imperfect

10 Tips for Dealing with your Toxic Parents | Happily Imperfect

5 Survival Tactics You Use to Maintain a Relationship with Your Abusive Parent | Happily Imperfect

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...nd-or-explain/

https://pro.psychcentral.com/exhaust...istic-parents/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

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Default Jun 25, 2019 at 11:51 AM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by Skeezyks View Post
Hello Bob Ross: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. I see this is your first post. So... welcome to Psych Central. One additional forum that may be of interest to you, here on PC, would be the relationships & communication forum. Here's a link:

https://psychcentralforums.com/relat...communication/

I'm sorry you have experienced so much abuse in your life. No one, it seems to me, should have to grow up under those conditions. You asked if you should attempt to reopen contact with your mother. Honestly I can't tell you what to do here. I used to know a guy who was fond of saying: "If you want to see which way the bullet's going, look down the barrel of the gun." If you re-read what you've written here, I fear you'll see what you're likely to encounter if you do make that attempt. Only you know whether the possible benefits you mentioned in your post are worth what you may have to endure in the process.

My thinking, with regard to this, is that it is all so complicated, it would not be possible for any of us here on PC to give you any really good advice or guidance. I think this is all something you perhaps might want to approach with the help of an experienced counselor or mental health therapist... someone who has the expertise to guide you over a period of time. This is all not something that is going to be resolved by either trying to re-establish contact with your mother or deciding not to do so. The effects of what you have experienced are going to be something you're going to deal with for the rest of your life. And the sooner you make a start at coming to terms with it the better, from my perspective.

Here are links to 6 articles, from Psych Central's archives, on the subject of coping with toxic parents that perhaps may help to provide you with some perspective:

Are Your Parents Toxic?

15 Signs You Have Toxic Parents | Happily Imperfect

10 Tips for Dealing with your Toxic Parents | Happily Imperfect

5 Survival Tactics You Use to Maintain a Relationship with Your Abusive Parent | Happily Imperfect

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...nd-or-explain/

https://pro.psychcentral.com/exhaust...istic-parents/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.
I wish that I had thought about those link myself.
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Default Jun 25, 2019 at 11:57 AM
  #5
Good links, thanks for posting these

Welcome to pc Bob Ross

Quote:
Originally Posted by Skeezyks View Post
Hello Bob Ross: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. I see this is your first post. So... welcome to Psych Central. One additional forum that may be of interest to you, here on PC, would be the relationships & communication forum. Here's a link:

https://psychcentralforums.com/relat...communication/

I'm sorry you have experienced so much abuse in your life. No one, it seems to me, should have to grow up under those conditions. You asked if you should attempt to reopen contact with your mother. Honestly I can't tell you what to do here. I used to know a guy who was fond of saying: "If you want to see which way the bullet's going, look down the barrel of the gun." If you re-read what you've written here, I fear you'll see what you're likely to encounter if you do make that attempt. Only you know whether the possible benefits you mentioned in your post are worth what you may have to endure in the process.

My thinking, with regard to this, is that it is all so complicated, it would not be possible for any of us here on PC to give you any really good advice or guidance. I think this is all something you perhaps might want to approach with the help of an experienced counselor or mental health therapist... someone who has the expertise to guide you over a period of time. This is all not something that is going to be resolved by either trying to re-establish contact with your mother or deciding not to do so. The effects of what you have experienced are going to be something you're going to deal with for the rest of your life. And the sooner you make a start at coming to terms with it the better, from my perspective.

Here are links to 6 articles, from Psych Central's archives, on the subject of coping with toxic parents that perhaps may help to provide you with some perspective:

Are Your Parents Toxic?

15 Signs You Have Toxic Parents | Happily Imperfect

10 Tips for Dealing with your Toxic Parents | Happily Imperfect

5 Survival Tactics You Use to Maintain a Relationship with Your Abusive Parent | Happily Imperfect

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...nd-or-explain/

https://pro.psychcentral.com/exhaust...istic-parents/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

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Thumbs up Jun 26, 2019 at 01:38 PM
  #6
Thank you for the replies!

Skeezyks, I very much appreciate the support and the links, after this reply, I will be checking them out. Thank you for the realistic advice, I understood while making this post that no one would be able to give me a simple answer, and therefore I think your advice is some of the most genuine I could've gotten.

I've considered getting a therapist, however I'm not really sure how to go about asking my father about that, he has mentioned in the past that he thinks it might be wise for me to get one. Either way, it's something I will continue to consider, along with your advice. Thanks
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