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Old 07-09-2019, 07:10 PM   #11
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Default Re: Victim Blaming is Never OK!

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Originally Posted by Pat2019 View Post
Thank you very much for this post! You have made some very powerful observations about victims! I have saved this post for future reference for whenever I deny the abuse that I have received, which I sometimes do.

You're welcome! I'm glad it helped!!!
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Old 07-09-2019, 07:10 PM   #12
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Thank You sooooooooo much for this. You said this perfectly.

TY! It needs to be said.
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Old 07-10-2019, 07:55 AM   #13
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Default Re: Victim Blaming is Never OK!

The thing to remember about toxic people is they don't WANT to see reality, they NEED to see things in a way where they have the CONTROL. They can be nice as long as they are getting things to go THEIR WAY. They like to see things where the positives could not happen without THEM too. So it's always someone else's fault when there are problems. It's the other person who is wrong not THEM.

I had/have been dealing with an older sister that I have discussed who could ONLY see things her way, needed ALL the control and would literally go into RAGES when things did not go HER WAY. Once someone goes into a rage it's ALL EMOTION and NO logic. That's when everything is run by the amygdala that pumps all the energy into fight mode where the frontal logical part of the brain is not functioning. It's a "blind" anger. For myself, it got to the point where if my sister "felt" her obsessive control was threatened she would go into a rage and did not even care WHO was there that could be frightened by her.

Often the response to that is "just ignore, don't allow" statements which can make it VERY hard for the victim in that often these very statements come from individuals who have not personally experienced this person who needs things to go their way otherwise they go into one of their rages not caring who is there seeing it happen.

If you experience a person who has a tendency to rage like this you can actually see their eyes glass over, it's like this person suddenly is not "there" . This is EXACTLY what is actually happening in their brain where it's suddenly being run by their amygdala that is pumping their body into fight mode and their logical part of their brain basically shuts down. You can actually see it in their body as well, and often the reaction from most normal human beings is to want to get away from this individual. Engaging a person who blows up like this only makes things worse in that the individual is at a point where all they are operating off of is anger (emotion) and logic isn't happening as that area of the brain is over ridden by all the emotion and anger.

What I have noticed about this state of mind is the raging individual wants a reaction so they can engage in "fight" and literally blow off all the buildup they are experiencing that is pumping them up with adreneline. I had to be the one who stayed calm and create distance, yet, even when I chose to do that my sister would come after me NEEDING to release her built up anger STILL not even being logical where a normal person would choose NOT to display this behavior in front of others.

Last edited by Open Eyes; 07-10-2019 at 11:09 AM..
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Old 07-11-2019, 08:38 AM   #14
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Default Re: Victim Blaming is Never OK!

What I posted above might not seem like it goes along with the topic. I meant to post more but I was too triggered. Lot's of flashes came forward where I was raged at and no one stepped up to help me and even looked at me like it was "my fault" it happened when I myself was frozen not knowing what to do. Yet, I also get the urge to run and get away from it. When experiencing someone who loses it and rages at you with that glossed over look in their eyes IT'S VERY SCAREY. When I talk about it and people respond with "just ignore, and don't give her power or don't allow" statements it FEELS like these people are blaming me for how it affects me when they have not experienced it first hand directed at them. Especially when it comes to trying to calmly walk away and this crazed individual literally follows me or chases after me. Suddenly this other individual needs ME to become their DAMIT DOLL and this anger is ALL THAT PERSON SEES.
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Old 07-11-2019, 02:12 PM   #15
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Default Re: Victim Blaming is Never OK!

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Especially when it comes to trying to calmly walk away and this crazed individual literally follows me or chases after me. Suddenly this other individual needs ME to become their DAMIT DOLL and this anger is ALL THAT PERSON SEES.
Thank you for sharing, Open Eyes.

Some people have had the fortune of never having to be in a close contact with "abnormal" people. So they deny any unordinary behaviors by saying that you must have misunderstood/ misconceived the situation, or that you are being paranoid. Like you said, they have not experienced it firsthand.
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Old 07-11-2019, 02:30 PM   #16
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And for those who say "just ignore her, don't give her the power, just go see your parents anyway"? I did that and my sister came into that nursing home and seeing me got so angry and her behavior escalated scaring my mother and she literally chased after me and pushed open a side door and yelled at me to get the hell out and telling me I am NOT ALLOWED. She was the one behaving badly and an employee walked by and looked at me in an angry way saying to take "this" outside when I did nothing. (both my parents passed away this year).

I tend to get responses of "well it would not bother me, I would just, etc." which totally dismisses what I had to REALLY deal with.
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Old 07-11-2019, 02:43 PM   #17
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Default Re: Victim Blaming is Never OK!

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The thing to remember about toxic people is they don't WANT to see reality, they NEED to see things in a way where they have the CONTROL. They can be nice as long as they are getting things to go THEIR WAY. They like to see things where the positives could not happen without THEM too. So it's always someone else's fault when there are problems. It's the other person who is wrong not THEM.
This really sums up the toxic people in my life.
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Old 07-11-2019, 04:08 PM   #18
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For someone who has suffered from a toxic abusive and controlling individual, that person was very disrespected. So, when the person talks about how they were abused and suffered, it's important that person get RESPECTED for their hurt instead of being dismissed in some way simply because the person they are reaching out to or happens to hear their challenge decides that if it's not important to them, something they never experienced that it's not worth respecting. So, in fact what a victim ends up with is a double wammy of being disrespected twice. So, in effect, this is what victim blaming means where someone is very challenged and hurt by someone who was very disrespectful and when they try to reach out for support or help they end up with statements that are not helpful, can even be disRESPECTFUL as if to play down and dismiss how they were treated so badly. Actually, it can even encourage this person to experience even more shame than they are already suffering from in that they somehow failed to stop the abuse from taking place in the first place.
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Old 07-11-2019, 05:40 PM   #19
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I tend to get responses of "well it would not bother me, I would just, etc." which totally dismisses what I had to REALLY deal with.
Exactly. This person's behavior doesn't affect just your feelings but has real-life impacts, such as: Compromised reputation, disruption of relationships, loss of finances, etc.

These impacts are beyond feelings of being bothered.
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Old 07-12-2019, 03:16 AM   #20
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Default Re: Victim Blaming is Never OK!

I think something else related to this topic is you do not have to tolerate people that victim blame and shame. You do not need to stay in relationships with them if they do not support you or have your best interests at heart.
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