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Default Jun 29, 2019 at 11:35 AM
  #1
I am now learning about narc abuse.... which is what I suffered with my ex fiance.

I am reading a tremendously helpful guide on narc abuse and healing.

She writes that victims of narc abuse all share the following characteristics.

I've bolded what most resonated for me about myself.

And the truth of the matter is, I have sought approval from others, I DO obtain my self esteem based on my achievements and successes, rather than just on who I am, and I am most, if not all of these things.

She says we attract abusers.... and these are the characteristics of those who attract narc abusers.

I especially have had poor boundaries, periods of low self esteem & self worth, and seek approval from others.

This is painful, yet eye-opening!

You,
  • Had already suffered abuse, fear abuse or had a strong aversion to people that are abusive.
  • Find it difficult to speak up and stand up for yourself and create healthy boundaries.
  • Find it hard to say ‘no’ and kept giving even when it feels bad.
  • Are highly intelligent and can usually work out a solution in most areas of your life.
  • Tend to make things work even against the odds, because you have a ‘can do’ attitude.
  • Find it hard to receive from others, and you are the person who usually does the heavy lifting.
  • Have a high level of integrity, and don’t like people thinking badly of you, and in fact can be highly disturbed if someone thinks you’re a bad person.
  • Respect security, strive hard for it and don’t want to give it up.
  • Work hard to keep security going, and you clean up the messes that other people make that could threaten your security.
  • Feel that your worth is measured by how capable you are at achieving goals, and you struggle to know that you are lovable and acceptable to others just for being you.
  • Try to win approval from others by making them like you, or wanting them to admire your capabilities.
  • Are very hard on yourself and you will generally criticise yourself for what you haven’t achieved, rather than appreciate and love yourself for who you are right now.
  • Don’t want to be alone, and you are fearful that you may never meet another person who you feel so connected to, and therefore feel you have to make your relationship work – despite the pain of abuse.
  • Are very independent and capable, yet felt empty and alone and deeply want a relationship when single.
  • Have a tendency to want to fix and sort out other people’s problems rather than feel into and sort out your own uncomfortable emotions.
  • See yourself as an ‘empath’ and you have a tendency to put other people’s needs before you own – and believe that to be virtuous.
  • Tend to take responsibility for people, rather than allowing them to learn through error and take responsibility for themselves.
  • Feel guilty when taking time out and doing nice things for yourself.
  • Struggle to see the value in providing yourself with ‘inner healing time’, feeling this isn’t as productive as ‘doing tasks’, and
  • Feel that you didn’t receive love, connection or approval from your parent(s).
"It’s common for narcissistically abused individuals to be recognised as people suffering from standard relationship loss and pain.

Healing, which involves the transition from pain – to anger – to grief – to acceptance – to the regaining of self, and the healing of the unhealed parts that need resolution, is a much more complicated and convoluted journey when dealing with narcissistically abused individuals, than it is with people with standard relationship problems."

Last edited by Anonymous40643; Jun 29, 2019 at 11:52 AM..
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Default Jun 29, 2019 at 12:20 PM
  #2
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Originally Posted by golden_eve View Post
I am now learning about narc abuse.... which is what I suffered with my ex fiance.

I am reading a tremendously helpful guide on narc abuse and healing.

She writes that victims of narc abuse all share the following characteristics.

I've bolded what most resonated for me about myself.

And the truth of the matter is, I have sought approval from others, I DO obtain my self esteem based on my achievements and successes, rather than just on who I am, and I am most, if not all of these things.

She says we attract abusers.... and these are the characteristics of those who attract narc abusers.

I especially have had poor boundaries, periods of low self esteem & self worth, and seek approval from others.

This is painful, yet eye-opening!

You,
  • Had already suffered abuse, fear abuse or had a strong aversion to people that are abusive.
  • Find it difficult to speak up and stand up for yourself and create healthy boundaries.
  • Find it hard to say ‘no’ and kept giving even when it feels bad.
  • Are highly intelligent and can usually work out a solution in most areas of your life.
  • Tend to make things work even against the odds, because you have a ‘can do’ attitude.
  • Find it hard to receive from others, and you are the person who usually does the heavy lifting.
  • Have a high level of integrity, and don’t like people thinking badly of you, and in fact can be highly disturbed if someone thinks you’re a bad person.
  • Respect security, strive hard for it and don’t want to give it up.
  • Work hard to keep security going, and you clean up the messes that other people make that could threaten your security.
  • Feel that your worth is measured by how capable you are at achieving goals, and you struggle to know that you are lovable and acceptable to others just for being you.
  • Try to win approval from others by making them like you, or wanting them to admire your capabilities.
  • Are very hard on yourself and you will generally criticise yourself for what you haven’t achieved, rather than appreciate and love yourself for who you are right now.
  • Don’t want to be alone, and you are fearful that you may never meet another person who you feel so connected to, and therefore feel you have to make your relationship work – despite the pain of abuse.
  • Are very independent and capable, yet felt empty and alone and deeply want a relationship when single.
  • Have a tendency to want to fix and sort out other people’s problems rather than feel into and sort out your own uncomfortable emotions.
  • See yourself as an ‘empath’ and you have a tendency to put other people’s needs before you own – and believe that to be virtuous.
  • Tend to take responsibility for people, rather than allowing them to learn through error and take responsibility for themselves.
  • Feel guilty when taking time out and doing nice things for yourself.
  • Struggle to see the value in providing yourself with ‘inner healing time’, feeling this isn’t as productive as ‘doing tasks’, and
  • Feel that you didn’t receive love, connection or approval from your parent(s).
"It’s common for narcissistically abused individuals to be recognised as people suffering from standard relationship loss and pain.

Healing, which involves the transition from pain – to anger – to grief – to acceptance – to the regaining of self, and the healing of the unhealed parts that need resolution, is a much more complicated and convoluted journey when dealing with narcissistically abused individuals, than it is with people with standard relationship problems."
Geez, that whole list is or was me to the T. A lot of that I have worked on through my healing, but I can see that it was there and is probably still to a lesser extent as I am more self aware now.

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Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia.

Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien

Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less...
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Default Jun 29, 2019 at 03:12 PM
  #3
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Originally Posted by seesaw View Post
Geez, that whole list is or was me to the T. A lot of that I have worked on through my healing, but I can see that it was there and is probably still to a lesser extent as I am more self aware now.

Yes, I've worked on these things all of my life! Healing my shattered self-esteem and building self-worth.

But somehow, I was susceptible once again, to abuse, after my self-esteem had suffered a HUGE blow in life. I was down and out.... so what do I have to do? Rebuild all over again, and I know I am well on my way.

I am more self aware as well, but I fear I have a lot more work to do.
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Default Jun 29, 2019 at 07:16 PM
  #4
Your long list is applicable to so so many types of dysfunction. Ive dated and even marrried narcissists. So what do we do when we are prone to not getting our needs met in relationships and work situations? Ive had a lot of help from you people at Psych Central in thinking about how to face a difficult situation in my life lately and how to do right by myself and the people in my life while balancing my bipolar.
I try to make a list and prioritize things, making sure that I take care of myself in a big way. It is necessary to break things down into baby steps tho we would all like to be superheroes and do it all in a single bound at the same time. Make ourselves strong without devastating other people as the narcissists do. Find people who are always there for us, and cultivate those relationships without giving too little or too much. Build our self esteem. Is that a tall order LOL? Yes, but the price of not doing this is repeating devastating scenarios. Hugs, Eve

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Default Jul 01, 2019 at 06:09 PM
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Originally Posted by luvyrself View Post
Your long list is applicable to so so many types of dysfunction. Ive dated and even marrried narcissists. So what do we do when we are prone to not getting our needs met in relationships and work situations? Ive had a lot of help from you people at Psych Central in thinking about how to face a difficult situation in my life lately and how to do right by myself and the people in my life while balancing my bipolar.
I try to make a list and prioritize things, making sure that I take care of myself in a big way. It is necessary to break things down into baby steps tho we would all like to be superheroes and do it all in a single bound at the same time. Make ourselves strong without devastating other people as the narcissists do. Find people who are always there for us, and cultivate those relationships without giving too little or too much. Build our self esteem. Is that a tall order LOL? Yes, but the price of not doing this is repeating devastating scenarios. Hugs, Eve

Thank you. Hugs back!
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Default Jul 05, 2019 at 02:21 PM
  #6
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Originally Posted by golden_eve View Post

Are highly intelligent and can usually work out a solution in most areas of your life.

Tend to make things work even against the odds, because you have a ‘can do’ attitude.

These are definitely exploited by the narc-abusers.

It takes healthy self-love (as opposed to narcissism) to not tolerate being exploited or abused. Healthy self-love is something I am learning to develop as an adult.

Codependency No More: How to Recover from Self-Love Deficit Disorder
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Default Jul 05, 2019 at 10:57 PM
  #7
It’s a little (okay, a lot) horrifying to read that list and see how well it fits me. I guess I’m lucky that I escaped for several decades before I got sucked into the orbit of an abuser.

What’s horrifying is that for some of those traits listed, not only do I have them but I have always believed them to be strengths that were positive and good—Intelligent, giving, positive “can do” attitude, strive for stability, try to make things work, independent, capable, unselfish, blah blah blah. But those are the traits she manipulated to drag me (and my daughter) into being subservient to her dysfunctional needs.

I find it hard to imagine that the secret to a good life is therefore to become ignorant, selfish, greedy, pessimistic, hapless, and negative. But certainly, having better boundaries and being more self-protective are good steps.
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Default Jul 06, 2019 at 09:04 AM
  #8
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Originally Posted by ennie View Post
These are definitely exploited by the narc-abusers.

It takes healthy self-love (as opposed to narcissism) to not tolerate being exploited or abused. Healthy self-love is something I am learning to develop as an adult.

Codependency No More: How to Recover from Self-Love Deficit Disorder

I'm trying to learn healthy self-love too.
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Default Jul 06, 2019 at 09:05 AM
  #9
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Originally Posted by MrMoose View Post
It’s a little (okay, a lot) horrifying to read that list and see how well it fits me. I guess I’m lucky that I escaped for several decades before I got sucked into the orbit of an abuser.

What’s horrifying is that for some of those traits listed, not only do I have them but I have always believed them to be strengths that were positive and good—Intelligent, giving, positive “can do” attitude, strive for stability, try to make things work, independent, capable, unselfish, blah blah blah. But those are the traits she manipulated to drag me (and my daughter) into being subservient to her dysfunctional needs.

I find it hard to imagine that the secret to a good life is therefore to become ignorant, selfish, greedy, pessimistic, hapless, and negative. But certainly, having better boundaries and being more self-protective are good steps.

I agree that those are in fact all positive traits to own. Healthy boundaries and self protection are important.
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Default Jul 14, 2019 at 01:25 PM
  #10
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Originally Posted by ennie View Post
These are definitely exploited by the narc-abusers.

It takes healthy self-love (as opposed to narcissism) to not tolerate being exploited or abused. Healthy self-love is something I am learning to develop as an adult.

Codependency No More: How to Recover from Self-Love Deficit Disorder
I’m also trying to learn healthy self love

Thanks for this link ennie

I have been .... exploited and abused ...by more than a few who would fit the dx of malignant narcissism . Including most in the FOO.

Thanks to all in this thread

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