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Journey-Man
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Exclamation Jul 18, 2019 at 12:10 PM
  #1
*Trigger Warning* Childhood sexual abuse, incest. * Trigger Warning*

I'm sort of at my lowest point and the next appointment I could get with my counselor isn't for another week, so I need to vent some thoughts as to what the hell I think is going on with me. It's one thing to draw the source to something in the past, which for me is the sexual abuse I experienced when I was 8, but I think its a whole other thing to dig out all of the subconscious ways it has shaped your brain, mood and behavioral patterns over a long period of time. In my case, I had repressed the memory of all the abuse until I turned 18, when it came flooding out one day with my girlfriend at the time.

*TW* What I learned to my horror at the age of 18, was that I had vivid living memories of times in which my brother who was 16 at the time, had manipulated me by offering to play video games with me if I would do these things he asked. He would do this often, sometimes against my protests but I would think at the time it seemed that I was willingly going along (WHICH IS FALSE IN CASE ANYONE NEEDS TO HEAR THAT). My father was in the Army and stationed for a whole year in South Korea, and my mother had to work because the family was so tight on money so we were often left alone at home together because there were four of us. So for the entire year this abuse transpired and while I have memory of many episodes, I suspect there could be even more that I don't remember. My eldest brother it turns out was sexually assaulted when he was 5 years old during a sleep over at a friends house, by one of his friend's dad. Our family has a history of bipolar and other personality disorders, so as soon as he hit adolescence my brother's issues began to arise. He turned to hard drugs and alcohol, NeoNazism (even committed a hate crime in this period), physically abusing my other brother (who then physically abused me over my whole life), and of course the extreme sexual abuse. Which I would learn when I told my mother when I was 21 impacted both my older sister and even my mother, which nearly sent me into a murderous rage were it not for the fact that he lived in Europe at the time.

How to best summarize my present circumstances? I was almost hyperfunctional for a period of my 20s after I had a religious conversion (raised Mormon, became Christian and now am not religious), I ended up getting a decent job, marrying the girl I had loved for years and were having our first child. My wife was going to take a year off from work and as a result I took on a new position for a global account in which I would essentially have to pioneer the role and processes for how to get anything done for almost everything. It ended up being an incredibly stressful job and that coupled with the stress of a new family triggered a breakdown. I was broken, depressed and barely functional, and somehow survived in that role for almost two years when I had to be terminated because of a random drug test (smoking marijuana was the only thing to keep me at that point from descending into suicidal spirals, and I had no mental health insurance, the antidepressants didn't work, and had never smoked them before I had these serious symptoms).

I lost my job while my wife was on maternity leave with our second child, my daughter, and I was in a horrible state. I seemed to have been having some hypomanic states where I spent lots of money too and took too many risks and was in a pile of debt, one of our cars got repossessed and were too poor to even declare bankruptcy. We had to move into my mother's house who divorced my father (that's another awful story) with our family and with me trying to get treatment when we can barely afford it.

All these problems would be difficult for anyone to face, but here is just a snapshot of what I have been facing as far as I have worked out with my psychiatrist and counselors up to this point.
- Significant mood disorder of some sort, I am on Lithium right now suspecting perhaps Bipolar II since I have reported hypomanic symptoms in the past, but my depressive symptoms are more prominent. I was partially stabilized on Lithium for 2 months until I attempted to quit smoking marijuana and moved which triggered a massive downward spiral I am still trying to recover from.
- Some borderline symptoms, I have major fear of abandonment issues, and if I feel I am being abandoned I will immediately begin suicidal ideation and perhaps even begin planning. I will value and devalue my wife, I will think she's a sacred angel and then will rage at her and guilt her and think she's responsible for everything that's gone wrong. Which is not true at all. But it does seem like I do experience what people call "borderline rage episodes" and these can offer then trigger major depressive episodes and/or suicidal ideation or attempts. I have made two attempts in the past few months.
- Hypersexuality, I have always struggled to get my sexual urges and ideation under control for all my life, which led to incredible consternation during my religious episode. I had been addicted to pornography since very early adolescence, and only in more recent years moved past it because I developed a vibrant sexual relationship with my wife. Which didn't stop my hypersexuality, it just tied its volatility to our relationship, so being in a stressful situation and having a husband with serious mental illness its understandable that she would maybe not always be in the mood, but its like when I am in those situations I am about to explode if she doesn't say yes, and the rejection here seems to trigger the abandonment issues.
- Depedency issues, I don't know if this is connected to the fact that I am unemployed and barely functional to help myself, but I have definitely developed an unhealthy dependency on my wife. Its like if I don't get her attention or feel like she cares for me that I just want to die. Part of this is that I love her so much and would be painful to live without her, but I think I have always found my own validation and identity in my significant other. Which is why I didn't go sleeping around with women when I was younger, but more so getting them to fall in love with me and then moving onto the next.
- Significant anxiety, and have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
- I've made significant headway on intrusive traumatic memories using EMDR, but obviously I have much to heal from concerning my trauma.

The diagnosis here of course isn't to define me, but to figure out what is going on and how to address it. Obviously, I am having this conversation with trained professionals on a regular basis, but I felt it might be good to just write something out and at least hear that I'm not alone or that crazy. I've heard there are different variants of BPD, and there is also probably a spectrum of severity as well as far as how disturbed your baseline is. Complex PTSD is also a disorder which presents some of these same symptoms, along with Bipolar II. It could be all or just a couple of them as well, which is what I suspect. Obviously, this is the short side of the story, so if you have any questions let me know.
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Smile Jul 19, 2019 at 07:30 PM
  #2
Thanks for sharing this. There's not really anything I can offer with regard to it. But I thought I would at least leave a brief reply letting you know I read your post... & I wish you well.

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Default Jul 21, 2019 at 12:20 PM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by Journey-Man View Post
*Trigger Warning* Childhood sexual abuse, incest. * Trigger Warning*

I'm sort of at my lowest point and the next appointment I could get with my counselor isn't for another week, so I need to vent some thoughts as to what the hell I think is going on with me. It's one thing to draw the source to something in the past, which for me is the sexual abuse I experienced when I was 8, but I think its a whole other thing to dig out all of the subconscious ways it has shaped your brain, mood and behavioral patterns over a long period of time. In my case, I had repressed the memory of all the abuse until I turned 18, when it came flooding out one day with my girlfriend at the time.

*TW* What I learned to my horror at the age of 18, was that I had vivid living memories of times in which my brother who was 16 at the time, had manipulated me by offering to play video games with me if I would do these things he asked. He would do this often, sometimes against my protests but I would think at the time it seemed that I was willingly going along (WHICH IS FALSE IN CASE ANYONE NEEDS TO HEAR THAT). My father was in the Army and stationed for a whole year in South Korea, and my mother had to work because the family was so tight on money so we were often left alone at home together because there were four of us. So for the entire year this abuse transpired and while I have memory of many episodes, I suspect there could be even more that I don't remember. My eldest brother it turns out was sexually assaulted when he was 5 years old during a sleep over at a friends house, by one of his friend's dad. Our family has a history of bipolar and other personality disorders, so as soon as he hit adolescence my brother's issues began to arise. He turned to hard drugs and alcohol, NeoNazism (even committed a hate crime in this period), physically abusing my other brother (who then physically abused me over my whole life), and of course the extreme sexual abuse. Which I would learn when I told my mother when I was 21 impacted both my older sister and even my mother, which nearly sent me into a murderous rage were it not for the fact that he lived in Europe at the time.

How to best summarize my present circumstances? I was almost hyperfunctional for a period of my 20s after I had a religious conversion (raised Mormon, became Christian and now am not religious), I ended up getting a decent job, marrying the girl I had loved for years and were having our first child. My wife was going to take a year off from work and as a result I took on a new position for a global account in which I would essentially have to pioneer the role and processes for how to get anything done for almost everything. It ended up being an incredibly stressful job and that coupled with the stress of a new family triggered a breakdown. I was broken, depressed and barely functional, and somehow survived in that role for almost two years when I had to be terminated because of a random drug test (smoking marijuana was the only thing to keep me at that point from descending into suicidal spirals, and I had no mental health insurance, the antidepressants didn't work, and had never smoked them before I had these serious symptoms).

I lost my job while my wife was on maternity leave with our second child, my daughter, and I was in a horrible state. I seemed to have been having some hypomanic states where I spent lots of money too and took too many risks and was in a pile of debt, one of our cars got repossessed and were too poor to even declare bankruptcy. We had to move into my mother's house who divorced my father (that's another awful story) with our family and with me trying to get treatment when we can barely afford it.

All these problems would be difficult for anyone to face, but here is just a snapshot of what I have been facing as far as I have worked out with my psychiatrist and counselors up to this point.
- Significant mood disorder of some sort, I am on Lithium right now suspecting perhaps Bipolar II since I have reported hypomanic symptoms in the past, but my depressive symptoms are more prominent. I was partially stabilized on Lithium for 2 months until I attempted to quit smoking marijuana and moved which triggered a massive downward spiral I am still trying to recover from.
- Some borderline symptoms, I have major fear of abandonment issues, and if I feel I am being abandoned I will immediately begin suicidal ideation and perhaps even begin planning. I will value and devalue my wife, I will think she's a sacred angel and then will rage at her and guilt her and think she's responsible for everything that's gone wrong. Which is not true at all. But it does seem like I do experience what people call "borderline rage episodes" and these can offer then trigger major depressive episodes and/or suicidal ideation or attempts. I have made two attempts in the past few months.
- Hypersexuality, I have always struggled to get my sexual urges and ideation under control for all my life, which led to incredible consternation during my religious episode. I had been addicted to pornography since very early adolescence, and only in more recent years moved past it because I developed a vibrant sexual relationship with my wife. Which didn't stop my hypersexuality, it just tied its volatility to our relationship, so being in a stressful situation and having a husband with serious mental illness its understandable that she would maybe not always be in the mood, but its like when I am in those situations I am about to explode if she doesn't say yes, and the rejection here seems to trigger the abandonment issues.
- Depedency issues, I don't know if this is connected to the fact that I am unemployed and barely functional to help myself, but I have definitely developed an unhealthy dependency on my wife. Its like if I don't get her attention or feel like she cares for me that I just want to die. Part of this is that I love her so much and would be painful to live without her, but I think I have always found my own validation and identity in my significant other. Which is why I didn't go sleeping around with women when I was younger, but more so getting them to fall in love with me and then moving onto the next.
- Significant anxiety, and have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
- I've made significant headway on intrusive traumatic memories using EMDR, but obviously I have much to heal from concerning my trauma.

The diagnosis here of course isn't to define me, but to figure out what is going on and how to address it. Obviously, I am having this conversation with trained professionals on a regular basis, but I felt it might be good to just write something out and at least hear that I'm not alone or that crazy. I've heard there are different variants of BPD, and there is also probably a spectrum of severity as well as far as how disturbed your baseline is. Complex PTSD is also a disorder which presents some of these same symptoms, along with Bipolar II. It could be all or just a couple of them as well, which is what I suspect. Obviously, this is the short side of the story, so if you have any questions let me know.
I'm sorry that this has happened to you! You didn't deserve this to happen to you!
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Default Jul 26, 2019 at 11:32 PM
  #4
This sounds like a huge amount of trauma, Journey-Man. I'm very sorry this happened to you, this should never happen to any child. I believe personally that no matter what the diagnosis is, if you can get some help going through your feelings about this abuse, "processing" the trauma as they say, it will lessen the symptoms you're suffering with, and improve your life. I would say, focus on the trauma and not on the DSM labels, if you can do that. None of this was your fault, none of this should ever have happened to you, and it's unfair that you are forced to deal with its aftermath, but you can do it with some help. Just remember it's nothing about you that led to any of this abuse. I'm sure you already know this, but if the abuser tried to make it seem that you went along with it, that is merely another layer of the abuse. No child ever consents to being harmed. Again, I'm so sorry. Wishing the best for you, your wife, and your kids.
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