The mother I never had: Part 1

Hello,

Warning, this is long. But this 2 part story, I hope will give someone hope when despair consumes you to the point of suicide.

A little background on my experience. Growing up was a painful experience, my mother was an angry woman. She and my dad constantly fought in front of me and my sister. In fact, I can't really think of a positive moment between them. My mother would rage on my father, by calling him names and curse words. A point of clarification here, my mother was not addicted to drugs or alcohol. My mother would throw things at my father, like a bird cage. I think she even killed the birds. This behavior persisted for many years and I remember my sister and I would cry in each other's arms.

When the obvious divorce came at the ripe young age of 13, I had to make a choice of whom I wanted to live with. The choice I made was to live with my father, since I felt he was more rational. I paid the price for that decision, my mother would say the most awful things to me. For instance, I had a brother who died of SIDS, and she stated that she wished I were dead instead of my brother. Needless to say, every time I came back to my father's house, I wept and cried because my mother would tease me incessantly about how I look like my father and how I am like him. I had deep struggles on who I wanted to live with, since my mother constantly alienated me from my father and annihilated my soul with her incessant gripes about me. I was truly lost and my father was aloof and naive to what I was going through. I felt truly sad and isolated.

With time, my mother got her victory. She convinced me that I HATE myself, where I could not even look in a mirror without spitting at the image I saw. I withdrew and an incredible depression developed within me wanting to end my life. I tried many times to end my life, since I felt worthless and not loved by the person who brought me to this Earth. To this day, I feel angry and bitter about my past. This anger manifests itself in my romantic relationships and I get very angry with people close to me. It is as if a ghost possesses me and my real self becomes hidden and out comes this grotesque monster to protect my heart. Luckily, this anger never manifests itself at work, where I have had a steady job.

Inevitably, the destruction of my soul led to many broken relationships and a cynical view of humanity. It is hard for me to trust people and I don't have the luxury of many friends due to that distrust.

Within me, there is a good heart but it is a mangled piece of work. More to come in Part 2.

Thank you for sharing these difficult experiences.

I'm sorry that you are going through this! My mom did the same thing to me!