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Old 08-12-2019, 03:12 PM   #1
norrsken
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Trig Always checking abusers' lives

Hello,

I am writing it all for my boyfriend. He is seventeen years old and has gone through quite a lot of bad things when he was younger. He was abused by older guys in a sexual way and other people his age belittled him, made fun of him, made him believe that everything was his fault and that he had nothing to complain about, and they told others that he was a liar, they threatened to drown him and other bad things like that. He lost everyone, was out of school for I believe one year and a half, even two years, fell into depression, and pretty stopped socializing except with his mom.

Him meeting me thanksfully meant the end of those bad things, but as you may guess, the trauma remained. He made incredible efforts over the years I spent with him, even though he also developed mental health issues. We are planning on trying to get an appointment at a psychiatrist's for him so that he could get professional help, but there are things that deeply disturb him and he would like to get answers quick, which is the reason why I am writing this.

Since the abuse stopped, he cannot help but checking his abusers' lives through social media. He is not stalking, at least I do not think one could call that "stalking". He actually genuinly wants to check if their lives are better than his. If they are happy with who they are and what they did to him, if they regret it or if they just do not care. Most of the time, they do not care at all, and seeing that his abusers have a perfect and happy life compared to his hurts my boyfriend. He admitted that he does that because he wants to get hurt, even if now it became a habit. He checks their lives and how perfect they are without thinking or actually noticing that it does him ache.

He has tried not to do that and it has worked fine but only over a short period of time. He always ends up checking again his abusers' lives even when he has taken the time to think about it and about how miserable it makes him. Yet he cannot stop and he does not understand why. He wants it to stop and is sick of getting hurt without even noticing that he is hurt. He feels stupid to do it but I can tell that he cannot help but checking his abusers' lives and how happy they are.

We would like to know why he feels obligated to hurt himself by such a way, and if there is something he can do against it while we are trying to get an appointment at a psychiatrist's. He really cannot wait to get the appointment, that habit of his disturbs him and makes him really depressed.

Thank you so much for your precious help!

Last edited by bluekoi; 08-12-2019 at 08:11 PM.. Reason: Add triggger icon.
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Old 08-12-2019, 04:17 PM   #2
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Default Re: Always checking abusers' lives

Well, I can't really answer as I'm not a professional, @norrsken. Perhaps he's hurting himself that way because he feels like he "deserves" it because of his YEARS of abuse. Perhaps he's just too attached emotionally to those abusers to fully let go. In any case, I'd suggest to tell him to stop doing it and when he realizes he's doing it again, stop immediately and try to do something else. Do you think that may work out? Either way, I'm REALLY HAPPY that you're BOTH going to see a Psychiatrist soon as I feel like that may REALLY help him out. Wishing BOTH of you PLENTY of Good Luck! Sending many safe, warm hugs BOTH you and your Boyfriend, @norrsken!
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Old 08-12-2019, 04:24 PM   #3
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I'm really glad I came across this thread today. I often do this..... and I hate the fact that I do. My ex boyfriend boyfriend abused me for six years and often times I still blame myself for what he did to me. I haven't fully let go to what he did to me. When I see that he's happy, it makes me feel as if something must be wrong with me. The things he has said to me is still trapped inside of my mind, sort of like repeating over and over, like a broken record. I'm healing, I just haven't fully let go of it. So I can relate to how he's feeling. Just talk to him and remind him that you deeply care for him and support him as much as you can. It can be emotionally draining for you, I know it can be. So on days where you feel emotionally exhausted, take some time to yourself and do something you enjoy doing. It will help you two out in the long run. Being abused pretty much all of my life, I understand and get it. It's hard for us to move on sometimes, even when we want too. Sometimes we can't seem to let go of it because we constantly keep blaming ourselves for the abuse we've endured. I wish you both the best of luck!!
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Old 08-16-2019, 04:55 AM   #4
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Default Re: Always checking abusers' lives

Quote:
Originally Posted by norrsken View Post
Hello,

I am writing it all for my boyfriend. He is seventeen years old and has gone through quite a lot of bad things when he was younger. He was abused by older guys in a sexual way and other people his age belittled him, made fun of him, made him believe that everything was his fault and that he had nothing to complain about, and they told others that he was a liar, they threatened to drown him and other bad things like that. He lost everyone, was out of school for I believe one year and a half, even two years, fell into depression, and pretty stopped socializing except with his mom.

Him meeting me thanksfully meant the end of those bad things, but as you may guess, the trauma remained. He made incredible efforts over the years I spent with him, even though he also developed mental health issues. We are planning on trying to get an appointment at a psychiatrist's for him so that he could get professional help, but there are things that deeply disturb him and he would like to get answers quick, which is the reason why I am writing this.

Since the abuse stopped, he cannot help but checking his abusers' lives through social media. He is not stalking, at least I do not think one could call that "stalking". He actually genuinly wants to check if their lives are better than his. If they are happy with who they are and what they did to him, if they regret it or if they just do not care. Most of the time, they do not care at all, and seeing that his abusers have a perfect and happy life compared to his hurts my boyfriend. He admitted that he does that because he wants to get hurt, even if now it became a habit. He checks their lives and how perfect they are without thinking or actually noticing that it does him ache.

He has tried not to do that and it has worked fine but only over a short period of time. He always ends up checking again his abusers' lives even when he has taken the time to think about it and about how miserable it makes him. Yet he cannot stop and he does not understand why. He wants it to stop and is sick of getting hurt without even noticing that he is hurt. He feels stupid to do it but I can tell that he cannot help but checking his abusers' lives and how happy they are.

We would like to know why he feels obligated to hurt himself by such a way, and if there is something he can do against it while we are trying to get an appointment at a psychiatrist's. He really cannot wait to get the appointment, that habit of his disturbs him and makes him really depressed.

Thank you so much for your precious help!
I am so sorry that he has suffer so much. No one deserve to be treated this way! Remind him that the bully are just lonely and jealous because he is better than they are! Even if look like they are better than him in a picture! Looks can be deceiving.
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Old 08-16-2019, 04:57 AM   #5
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Default Re: Always checking abusers' lives

Quote:
Originally Posted by Amethyst_Stargazer View Post
I'm really glad I came across this thread today. I often do this..... and I hate the fact that I do. My ex boyfriend boyfriend abused me for six years and often times I still blame myself for what he did to me. I haven't fully let go to what he did to me. When I see that he's happy, it makes me feel as if something must be wrong with me. The things he has said to me is still trapped inside of my mind, sort of like repeating over and over, like a broken record. I'm healing, I just haven't fully let go of it. So I can relate to how he's feeling. Just talk to him and remind him that you deeply care for him and support him as much as you can. It can be emotionally draining for you, I know it can be. So on days where you feel emotionally exhausted, take some time to yourself and do something you enjoy doing. It will help you two out in the long run. Being abused pretty much all of my life, I understand and get it. It's hard for us to move on sometimes, even when we want too. Sometimes we can't seem to let go of it because we constantly keep blaming ourselves for the abuse we've endured. I wish you both the best of luck!!
That is great advice! I been abuse by my family my whole life!
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Old 08-16-2019, 05:09 AM   #6
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Default Re: Always checking abusers' lives

I think that sort of..curiosity is normal. He suffers and cant help wondering if his abusers suffer or feel bad.
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Old 08-17-2019, 02:33 PM   #7
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Default Re: Always checking abusers' lives

I can totally relate to your boyfriend. I do this from Time to time. I used to get beaten up a lot by my sister growing up and this made me have very low self-confidence. In school and around the neighbourhood, I was everyone’s target and many people verbally and physically abused me and some made my life hell. I cannot help it but keep comparing my life with my sister and have been checking other people’s lives on social media from time to time. I have tried not to get obsessed by them and it is not healthy but I cannot help wondering what they do now and if they have any regrets. I think most of them probably don’t care or look back at it with a grin. I am sure my sister does! I have worked on meditation exercises when I start to feel obsessed by them and they help but I cannot eliminate the thoughts.
Wish your boyfriend the best!
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Old 08-18-2019, 08:18 AM   #8
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Default Re: Always checking abusers' lives

To a certain extent, I did this too. I recommend trying to limit the number of times he checks on them. Try to limit it to 3-4 times a week, then two times, then reduce it gradually. It is easier to wean him off of the habit until he can stop.

Another thing he can do it distract himself and focus on his own happiness. I think his need for justice is influencing his actions. He can tell himself what I tell myself: even if they don't realize it, his abusers have punished themselves. When you hurt someone intentionally, you damage your soul. It's a mark against the soul. It's sort of like the spiritual version of, "I'm rubber you're glue. Whatever you do bounces off me and sticks to you." That's how I see it. Even if they look happy, they will always have damaged souls.
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