Victim of abuse

messiah · Aug 16, 2019 at 08:54 AM

Hello everyone,

I’ve recently left someone who was verbally, emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive towards me. He gaslit me, trying to convince me that I was crazy. He called me all kinds of names, including “pathetic” and “a waste of life.” One by one, I lost all of my friends because he would throw a tantrum if I wanted to see them. So I was completely alone and dependent on him. Anyway, I’m not perfect, but I am a good person, and I have a lot to offer to family, friends, and my community.. I have made one good friend recently, who has been objective, reflective, and encouraging. I am focusing on basic needs and getting back in touch with good people from the past. I am doing positive things and I need encouragement as I rebuild myself and my life. The pain of my grief is unbearable on all levels. How can I lessen it as a victim of abuse?

Skeezyks · Aug 16, 2019 at 02:07 PM

Hello messiah: I see that although this is still just your second post, you're a 5 year member.

So... welcome back to Psych Central.

Here are links to 7 articles, from PC's archives, on the subject of healing from abuse (just in case you haven't already seen them):

Recovering from Abuse: Collecting Pebbles

How to Heal (Hesitantly) From Narcissistic Abuse | Liberation after Narcissistic Abuse

How to Heal After an Abusive Relationship

Moving On: Life After Dating A Narcissist

What It's Like to Be a Complex Trauma Survivor of Narcissistic Abuse

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/savvy...ssistic-abuse/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/liber...buse-recovery/

I hope you've found PC to be of benefit.

MrMoose · Aug 17, 2019 at 01:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by messiah

getting back in touch with good people from the past.
....
The pain of my grief is unbearable on all levels. How can I lessen it as a victim of abuse?

—Old good friends are a blessing.
—A therapist helps to talk to because then you can just enjoy hanging out with friends.
—Do not get sucked back into the narcissist’s life: you escaped once... stay escaped (!). Trying to understand—or explain—your feelings or your relationship by talking to him...that’s like having a philosophical discussion with a hailstorm: it’s really not going to work and when you get clonked by big chunks of ice you’ll probably regret trying it.
—If you’ve been reading Psych Central for a while you know how helpful it can be, so keep doing that

nicoleflynn · Aug 17, 2019 at 06:53 AM

I am so sorry that happened to you. I was married to a verbal abuser for 31 years! I got a divorce and it has been 18 years now. Unfortunately, it takes as long as it takes to begin to heal....little baby steps a little at a time; nurture yourself with things you love. Perhaps write a letter of "restorative justice"----that says....this is what you did, this is how it made me feel. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. Abusers hate THEMSELVES and take it out on others; ;they are miserable people. Hugs and Love!

JCololrado · Oct 24, 2019 at 12:35 AM

I long for a time that I will say I am no longer with my abuser. I hear these stories of how spouses get out of the horrible circle of abuse and live a life without the fear of torture. I don't know how anybody gets out of these marriages, how do you survive leaving with children and keep the children happy. I fear my children will hate me, even though they see and hear the horrible things my husband does, they ask me not to divorce him and take them from their home. How does one deal with that and the fear of constant haunting from my husband if I were to take the children and go. I fear I will never get out...

sarahsweets · Oct 25, 2019 at 11:28 PM

Hey @messiah I found this I dont know if it helps.
How To Rebound After You Stop Emotional Abuse

Quote:

Originally Posted by messiah

Hello everyone,

I’ve recently left someone who was verbally, emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive towards me. He gaslit me, trying to convince me that I was crazy. He called me all kinds of names, including “pathetic” and “a waste of life.” One by one, I lost all of my friends because he would throw a tantrum if I wanted to see them. So I was completely alone and dependent on him. Anyway, I’m not perfect, but I am a good person, and I have a lot to offer to family, friends, and my community.. I have made one good friend recently, who has been objective, reflective, and encouraging. I am focusing on basic needs and getting back in touch with good people from the past. I am doing positive things and I need encouragement as I rebuild myself and my life. The pain of my grief is unbearable on all levels. How can I lessen it as a victim of abuse?

nicoleflynn · Oct 26, 2019 at 06:38 AM

I left a verbally abusive marriage after 31 years. You need help and support to get out. Can you see a therapist who specializes in abuse? Call the Domestic Violence hotline.....unfortunately your children are also being abused. It takes great courage to leave, but nobody deserves abuse. Your children are helpless to stop the abuse, and counting on you; you are all they have.....verbal abuse can escalate into physical abuse.

Of course children don't want their parents to divorce, but you have to be the adult and make the right decision for them. You can get out, but it takes careful planning.

The number for the National Domestic Violence hotline: 800-799-7233....make sure you call when the abuser isn't around...You can take the first step to help yourself and your children.

TishaBuv · Oct 26, 2019 at 08:26 AM

My heart goes out to anyone who was told something like, “You’re a waste of human life”. Shame on those abusive bullies for saying such a thing!

Being told something like that makes it easy to know getting out is the right thing to do. Just think about that toxic comment that you don’t have to hear anymore, and the healing will begin.

@JColorado What your children witness is what they learn and will act out in some form in their future relationships. I know how hard it is to get out when children are involved.

Sending you all prayers and strength.

bpcyclist · Oct 26, 2019 at 10:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

My heart goes out to anyone who was told something like, “You’re a waste of human life”. Shame on those abusive bullies for saying such a thing!

Being told something like that makes it easy to know getting out is the right thing to do. Just think about that toxic comment that you don’t have to hear anymore, and the healing will begin.

@JColorado What your children witness is what they learn and will act out in some form in their future relationships. I know how hard it is to get out when children are involved.

Sending you all prayers and strength.

Bingo. In my opinion as an abuse survivor myself, your kids are being done more harm by having to sit and watch this endless toxicity in the home perpetrated by their father upon their mother than they would ever experience as a result of you leaving with them. They are victims, too, in this. Don't forget that. You are not just protecting yourself, you are protecting them. Sending you strength and prayers.

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