On The Subject of Baggage

Hello strangers. I am here today, typing this out on my phone, because I tend to let things sit and stew inside of my head for a very long time. I don’t mind, as time allows me many perspectives on my memories and feelings. However, lately I’ve been rolling around a phrase that bothers me.

“You have baggage. You need to let go of that baggage and look toward the future.”

This statement bothers me. It is usually said to me after I have discussed my father. The first time I remember being told this, I was attending my Aunt’s wake. She was my father’s sister-in-law. Among the members of my nuclear family, I was the only one to attend my Aunt’s wake.

I stuck around longer than I intended. I don’t remember what I did, though I do remember my cousin’s children showing off their toys. Then it was only me and my Uncle. My father’s brother.

We talked for a while. I opened up about my feelings toward my dad. He listened. And then he told me that I was carrying around a lot of baggage, and that I needed to let it go.

Part of me understands. I have emotional scars. Part of me is offended, as it’s always a relief to tell someone how I feel about Dad. It’s a relief to share the horrors, surprises, and disappointments. It’s freeing.

I tucked my Uncle’s comment away. Sure, I’ve got awful memories and feelings when I think about my father. They’re all strange and unreal memories. I’m sure if I spoke with my Dad about them, he’d deny their happening. It’s his way.

My Mom doesn’t want to talk about it. She’s an alcoholic, barely 100 pounds in weight right now. I’m not sure she’ll live for another few years. She’s barely living now.

Talking with her about this hurts her. She feels as though she failed my brother and I. I can’t hurt her. I don’t ever want to. I can’t bring this stuff up with her without causing her pain.

My brother doesn’t really communicate well with me. He’s become unemotional about the things that happened in our childhood. He’d rather not think about it.

But I’m 28. This an age at which many young women get married. A few of my peers have children. I don’t. I’m scared of the idea of it. How could I raise a child? My own childhood was corrupted. I’m scared of nakedness. I’m scared of children.

I digress.

Today I spoke briefly about a memory I have of my father. This memory disturbs me. It helps me to remember why I stay far away from that man.

My boyfriend was quick to change the subject, and he recommended I look forward to the future.

He’s sweet. But it’s not what I need to hear. The awkwardness that my closest friends and family express when I open up about this is painful. You can their eyes fart around, almost as if you can their thoughts searching for something distracting. These people love me, but they don’t want to hear about the worst, most painful experiences, and that hurts. These things happened. My father can deny whatever he likes. But when my loved ones listen and then recommend talking about something else, I’m not sure how to feel.

I’d like to confront my Dad. I’d like to do it in person, even though the idea of it makes me feel like crying, shaking, and wetting my pants. Maybe I do have baggage that needs to be flung overboard. But maybe it’s ok to talk about these things and not get shut down.

I’m not sure.

Any advice, kind strangers?

I can understand.But do not know what it is that you went through.It seems you already expect that he might deny it.May be you can talk here ,tell more and let it get out of your mind.You may feel less burdened by it.I know people around us do not want to hear.I am still angry at my father.He preferred to turn a blind eye towards the horrific abuse I was going through by my mom.I really tears us apart when people deny facts.Specially when abuse is involved.You can pm me if you like.Just sharing sometimes lessens the agony.Much love to you.

I am sorry for what you went through. It can be really hard for people who have gone through things others have not experienced. This could be a good place to write about your pain and find others who understand by reading a lot of posts until you find others that have experienced something similiar. Though my experience did not involve childhood--I wrote and wrote (on here and journaling) about what was causing me pain. Writing about it was activating--it opened the wound more but keeping secrets or feeling shame can cause a lot of problems/depression IMO. Eventually talking helped me put it in perspective/process it and now I don't want to talk about it that much anymore. My therapist calls this "compartmentalizing". Though something that has happened when we are very young must be so, so hard to deal with--my understanding is that is good to confront (even if you just write a letter to your dad which can be sent or tore up after you write it) and talk to a therapist, write, and/or post here. Now that I wrote about my pain, I try not to revisist it--I feel like I need to put it behind me and move on. Though I do understand that not everyone can "get over things." Whether you can put some of it behind you are not--acknowledge and feel it. I am sorry about your terrible experiences and hope you can find people who are able to listen and understand. Have you ever gone to therapy to discuss your pain? Also, I encourage you to talk about it here too! Hugs.

Everyone has baggage. You might want to write a letter to your dad....a letter of restorative justice.....restorative justice says; this is what you did; this is how it made me feel. The letter is for YOU. In sending a letter he can't overtalk, deny or argue with you. Most abusers deny all of the abuse. Getting into therapy could help, also. I had a terribly abusive childhood, plus being molested and living in poverty I made a vow to never be like my abusive mother, and I did it; I had children and was the mother I never had (and would have liked to); that in itself was healing.

Growing up in a dysfunctional family tends to create unwanted baggage and often this baggage can be such a burden once a person looks around at what others are engaging in and think to themselves, I have no idea how I could do that in a normal way or with any confidence.

If you can sit down and write out the things your father did that hurt you then it's a start to recognizing the things you personally need to heal from. Often, even though someone gets to a point where they can see all the baggage a parent created in them, that parent often will not admit they failed that child. Often this is because you are actually asking someone to give you something they never learned how to give you in the first place. That is like asking a person who is terrible at doing math to be able to point out the problems they could not solve in the first place and had no interest in solving either.

Even in trying to talk to family, it's not very surprising they try to aviod talking about it either, after all, they learned to just live with the dysfuntion, tune it out even, so they wont have the ability to listen the way you need them to. If you need to work through the challenges you experience from growing up in a family that was dysfunctional, you will need to spend time with individuals who KNOW how to listen to you and help you sort through your personal challenges. Someone who KNOWS what you need is not going to tell you that you need to JUST let go of your baggage. When people say that to you that means it's a waste of time to talk to these people about these things you struggle with.