My mom is taking&going with my bf to court for him abusing me!

My mom and my boyfriend have been getting too close and she is much nicer to him than she is to me. She's been giving him money, paying to fix his car, giving him rides to work, picking him up, etc. And I feel as though it's all because he has a job and I don't. He has been physically abusive in the past which I never shared with my mom because I thought she would react badly and not allow him to live with us (we rent out the granny flat). I called the cops on him new years Eve because he had choked me once again and I was afraid he was going to kill me eventually if he continued doing things like that. I came to find out that my boyfriend asked my mom if she could give him a ride to court, and he told her why (he needs to get an extension for domestic violence classes). So now my mom knows that there's been domestic abuse going on in our relationship. She didn't say one word about it to me! We were texting and she told me she was going to give him a ride to the courthouse, but that was the extent of it. Not only that but she offered to go in with him (for support I assume). I am beyond hurt by this. Not only does she not care that I've been abused by him but she is supporting him through it all! It literally makes me sick and not want a relationship with her. The both of them have narcissistic traits and are toxic, but that doesn't make this all hurt any less. I feel like she is "on his side" for lack of a better way to put it. She did something similar with an ex boyfriend of mine many years ago as well. I don't understand why. Is she doing this to hurt me? Why would she want to be there for and emotionally support a man who has abused her daughter and gotten arrested for it! He was charged with domestic assault with bodily injury which is a felony because he choked me.
Domestic abuse victims are 10 times more likely to be killed if the suspects choked them in the past!

Can anyone tell me why she might be doing this or why she's like this? I never thought she'd do such a thing, even as cold and toxic a mother she is. I've struggled with feeling unloved by her for a long time, but this has truly broken me.

Yeh toxic and narcissistic. They are teaming up to dish out more hurt.Thats what narcs do.Hurt others.I am sorry dear.

Idontcarebear,

I just want to say how much I appreciate you sharing. My heart goes out to you. Your family is unhealthy, toxic and abusive. The process of healing will most likely require you to go no contact. That is the only way to regain safety in the world. It is said that trauma survivors cannot heal if we are relying or dependent on abusers. Until we can find someone who truly has our best interest at heart: we will be repeatedly retraumatized.

I agree with Mendingmysoul, it sounds like Narcissism. I have narcissistic abusers in my life. My way of protecting myself is to go no contact. Don't get caught up in trying to fix or advocate for yourself. Making yourself vulnerable in an attempt to be better understood and establish trust and respect from your loved ones will amount to nothing but dissappointment, retraumas and ultimately an even more damaged attachment system. Narcissists will use your vulnerabilities against you in an attempt to control, exploit and manipulate you. Then once they have what they need, they discard you.

I highly recommend going no contact. Period.

What you are describing is also victim blaming and shaming. I highly recommend you look into that.

On a side note: how are you doing right now? Are you safe? Do you have someone outside your immediate family who you trust? If so, I highly recommend doing that. If not, as hard as it may be - set boundaries with your Mom and boyfriend immediately. Lessen your dependence on them and replace it with healthy people who you trust. Do not allow them to contact your mom and brother; they will try to destroy other healthy relationship with others in order to silence and control you.

Also, lookup trauma bonding. It sounds like maybe you're susceptible to it. I have been in that with my family for years. It took years to recognize their abuses and it took longer to recognize that I would never have the family I deserved. We are not obligated to maintain relations with unhealthy people. Period.

I hope this helps,

I am on my cell phone so I apologize for mispelt and or short response. Please message me anytime.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

I'm sorry that you are struggling right now and that this has happened to you! How certain are you that there is nothing going on between your mom and your boyfriend? Do you have someone else who you could stay with that they do not know who could help you get back on your feet? I lost a coworker through domestic violence. Could you possibly get to a shelter and get away from her?

Please try and find somewhere else to stay. It cant be with your BF because he is dangerous and it cant be with your mom because she supports a dangerous person.