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Old 09-11-2019, 06:04 AM   #1
MrsA
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Default Adult sister won't respect my personal space

So I'm stuck with an adult sibling who still acts like a childish bully. One behavior I demanded she stop was barging into my room at night when I'm in bed and she just did it again.

That wouldn't be too bad if she was a normal person who wakes you up to tell you something important in a normal tone of voice. But my sister, who I think is a narcissist, always enters my room talking loudly in a voice that sound like shouting and laughing at the same time. It's as if she is still a spoiled child who expects people to find her cute and funny when she behaves innappropriately. To make matters worse, I have a dog with a medical condition who shouldn't be agitated. When an idiot bursts into our bedroom at night making a lot of noise, it startles my dog from sleep so that he jumps up and starts barking. Every time I tell her to keep her voice down and not alarm my dog, she yells viciously at my dog to shut up and continues yapping herself in a loud obnoxious voice.

When I told her for the hundredth time to stop barging into my bedroom at night and shouting, she accused me of always doing the exact same thing. I only ever wake her up for time sensitive matters becase the lazy b**** sleeps until late afternoon and other peoole expect do business during normal hours. I have never barged into the narcissist's bedroom while she was asleep in the middle of the night, but it is the narcissist's way of saying "You do it all the time" when confronted with her unacceptable behavior. The truth is that every time she sleeps in later than usual, I start hoping she had a heart attack and died. I spend a few hours magining having a life without a toxic sister and then I feel disappointed when she gets up later.

I'm just really mad and I wanted to vent because I'm frustrated. I would move out if I could but I don't have the means right now so please no more people advising me to get out. If we all had the money or means to solve our problems no one would be talking about their problems here. Lack of money and family obligations are as real obstacles as mental illnesses and other things that you don't have control over. I find it offensive when people trivialize my situation by saying I am choosing to be abused by not moving out and magically finding a new job and a place to live.

Once I posted in a different forum that I was frustrated because my sibling/housemate was such a slob that I had to spend a lot of time cleaning up after her. And someone who seemed like a moderator there told me to read up on co-dependancy because I clean up after a filthy family member. I only clean up after her because I can't live with dog feces and urine on the floor (she wouldn't housebreak her dog properly) or watch her trample expensive items that she left on the floor when we were broke. She used up so many dishes and utensils preparing her dog's special meals that the sinks were full of rotting food even though I washed as many dishes as I could. She just used whatever dishes and utensils I washed and threw them back in the sink. For a while I even stashed a few clean dishes in my bedroom so I wouldn't have to wash a cup every time I was thirsty from doing yardwork alone.

Lately I have been insisting more that she clean up after herself and her pet. She responded with a lot of name calling and false accusations but then started helping out a bit so I thought things were getting better. Then I told her to keep her voice down if she has to come in my room at night and its back to full narcissistic hate mode with insults and accusations.

This is not what I meant to say, but when I post about my living situation I always dread people telling me to leave as if I choosing to stay in a horrible situation on purpose. I just want to remind people that lots of people are unable to leave abusive situations for real reasons. Sometimes I just want to vent about the unfairness of it without being patronized by overly simple solutions like "just leave." Other circumstances that I shouldn't talk about in a public forum makes leaving complicated and irresponsible right now so I'd appreciate it if people take me at my word when I say I'm trapped I hate my situation. I'm tired of having to explain myself every time someone offers that thoughtless suggestion as if I have not been wracking my brians for a way out and trying to hide away money or find a better job.

I'm tired and I should stop ranting now. At least I'm not suicidal when I'm pissed. I want to slam that narcissist in her place every time she tried to invade my personal boundaries again. Since I can't leave I'm going to claim my space.

Thank you for reading my crazy 3 Am angry post.
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Old 09-11-2019, 06:52 AM   #2
nicoleflynn
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Default Re: Adult sister won't respect my personal space

Can you lock your bedroom door?
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Old 09-11-2019, 04:23 PM   #3
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Default Re: Adult sister won't respect my personal space

My door doesn't have a lock. I have considered installing one but it felt kind of rude to start locking my door after we had pretty much lived together our entire lives.

I only started suspecting that my sister has ADHD a few years ago when I read a post by a blogger who had ADHD describing how she often ran into walls or stationary objects which happens a lot with my sister and results in daily temper tantrums (I posted previously about how she screams profanity all day and raises her voice to make sure I hear it when I'm in my room or outside). I read up on the symptoms and it would explain her extreme bullying, dangerous recklessness, lack of emotional regulation, and disproportionate blowups over things normal people deal with every day like washing their own dishes or picking up after their pets.

The thing that makes it much worse is that some natural ability runs in our family so a narcissistic stepfather promoted my sister as a genius who was perfect and made her expect preferential treatment and no accountability. She was older than me and about 30-40 lbs bigger and she would bully me in ways that made me fear for my life and our stepfather said I had mental problems if I couldn't react positively to my sister's physical and verbal bullying. In school, she bragged about not having to study or practice instruments like other students and got angry when she didn't get special attention or if I received better grades or recognition. So most of the time she seems to just be a narcissist like the stepfather she modeled herself on, but other times the recklessness and lack of impulse control like barging into my bedroom or going into a screaming tantrum when having to help with housework at age 40 seems like ADHD.

She is also so reckless (pushing, shoving, throwing) that I don't dare have power tools or sharp objects around her. Last year she shoved a refrigerator so that it nearly fell on top of me a few minutes after I told her not to push it because there was a high risk of the fridge tipping when going down the threshold to the garage. After nearly killing me, she thinks saying "I forgot" in a really defensive way absolves her of all responsibility. She is also an impulsive pusher so I never stand at the edge of train platforms, cliffs, or staircases when she's nearby. That's the scary thing I dealt with my whole life. it's like living with a giant toddler who doesn't think she's loud but screams at pets to shut up when they react to her inappropriate shouting. Any minute, I could get whacked in the head by things like baseball bats, surfboards, or whatever she happens to be carrying and she'll say it's unreasonable to expect her to control accidents.

I've been worried and embarrassed my whole life because she falls down at social occasions (yelling "WHOA!" and ending up with her feet in the air while wearing a dress) and often causes accidents or breaks things (like a window) while in other people's homes. As a college student, I had to talk her out of wearing jeans and a t-shirt to attend the wedding of a mutual friend. She says things like dressing appropriately or being more careful are "boring". I've been trying to find out if you can force dangerous and abusive adults to get ADHD screening or If she will only be willing to consider ADHD as a legal defense after she murders me one day.
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Old 09-12-2019, 12:29 AM   #4
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Default Re: Adult sister won't respect my personal space

Putting a couple of locks on your door might help that one aspect or it may be a game to her to the point of her breaking the door. Can you talk to your doctor about it and see if he can give you some directions or even point you in the path of a social worker. Are your parents on the scene at all? Her behaviours are not normal and I am sorry that you are having to go through this.
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Old 09-12-2019, 07:15 AM   #5
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Default Re: Adult sister won't respect my personal space

It really depends on how much you decide you want to take. Often the pain has to become greater than letting things stay as they are. Only then will you change the way you relate to her. We teach people how to treat us. They may start out in life as cruel selfish people but if we allow the treatment to continue without consequences then why would they change? You will have to put a lock on your door. It doesnt matter if it offends her. It offends you and your dog to have her violate your space. If you decide to go a step further and there is physical abuse then maybe get the police involved- if you want it to stop. You may consider moving into a place where you have your own space. You are under no obligation to keep living with her for any reason, loyalty or responsibility.
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Old 09-12-2019, 07:07 PM   #6
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Default Re: Adult sister won't respect my personal space

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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
It really depends on how much you decide you want to take. Often the pain has to become greater than letting things stay as they are. Only then will you change the way you relate to her. We teach people how to treat us. They may start out in life as cruel selfish people but if we allow the treatment to continue without consequences then why would they change? You will have to put a lock on your door. It doesnt matter if it offends her. It offends you and your dog to have her violate your space. If you decide to go a step further and there is physical abuse then maybe get the police involved- if you want it to stop. You may consider moving into a place where you have your own space. You are under no obligation to keep living with her for any reason, loyalty or responsibility.
I

Thanks for the suggestion. I will try the lock. But as I said, I don't have the ability to live elsewhere right now. It has been my dream to live without her, but I literally don't have the money. I don't want to reveal more personal details but there is a reason I have to stay in this house and I can't force her to leave. I would get out of I could. I have been trying for years. Why doesn't anyone believe me when I say I don't have the means to have my own place. And I can't abandon my responsibilities to go live in a shelter or choose to be homeless with a sick dog.
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Old 09-13-2019, 02:06 AM   #7
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Default Re: Adult sister won't respect my personal space

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Originally Posted by MrsA View Post
I



Thanks for the suggestion. I will try the lock. But as I said, I don't have the ability to live elsewhere right now. It has been my dream to live without her, but I literally don't have the money. I don't want to reveal more personal details but there is a reason I have to stay in this house and I can't force her to leave. I would get out of I could. I have been trying for years. Why doesn't anyone believe me when I say I don't have the means to have my own place. And I can't abandon my responsibilities to go live in a shelter or choose to be homeless with a sick dog.


I do believe you and I missed the part where you said you donít have the means to leave. Iím sorry.
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Old 09-14-2019, 07:27 PM   #8
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Default Re: Adult sister won't respect my personal space

I can totally relate to this. My sister still bullies me and orders me around. If I was living in a house with her, I would still be treated like a slave, and she may have even got physical with me. I also cleaned up after her , and I didnít do it, she would make sure I would pay for it badly.

You definitely need to get a lock on your door. I had the pleasure of living in the same room as her so I didnít have that option. But if you have a door, bring in a locksmith when she is out. I understand that you do not have the means to live in a different house but try to make a step by step written plan that would allow you to eventually live in a different place. I know it is not easy but if you write each small step down and set timelines for each goal, then you may be there before you know it. It is hard just to move out if you do not have the means, but taking steps (and write them) may get you there. I am not saying things are good with me, but I live in a house in a different city. It is a small house in a crappy area with roommates but it is not with her.

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Old Yesterday, 01:12 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by Abusedbysister View Post
I can totally relate to this. My sister still bullies me and orders me around. If I was living in a house with her, I would still be treated like a slave, and she may have even got physical with me. I also cleaned up after her , and I didnít do it, she would make sure I would pay for it badly.

You definitely need to get a lock on your door. I had the pleasure of living in the same room as her so I didnít have that option. But if you have a door, bring in a locksmith when she is out. I understand that you do not have the means to live in a different house but try to make a step by step written plan that would allow you to eventually live in a different place. I know it is not easy but if you write each small step down and set timelines for each goal, then you may be there before you know it. It is hard just to move out if you do not have the means, but taking steps (and write them) may get you there. I am not saying things are good with me, but I live in a house in a different city. It is a small house in a crappy area with roommates but it is not with her.

Thanks for understanding. It's nice to meet someone who can relate to my situation. I'm glad you were able to get away from your sister. I didn't realize how bad she was until it was too late and I got into a situation I can't easily get out of. She was really my only family and even though she was always a bully I thought things would get better if I made more money and it was better for a while and then I started having health problems partly because she wouldn't let me sleep when I needed to get over a cough so I had some complications for a few years and earned less than I used to. At the same time, she spent a lot of money and blamed me for debt and things got nastier the deeper we got into debt. I still make less money than I used to because I'm stressed by her always yelling and swearing and being rude to me.

I realized that she probably has undiagnosed ADHD which explains the way she is really reckless and impulsive and causes dangerous accidents. It also explains the daily meltdowns over insignificant things that she won't even remember tomorrow, and why she will leave things like dog poop on the floor and keep walking over it (also trampling holes in her own clothes).

I can usually handle it so long as she is not directly nasty to me. I've been cleaning a lot and took a lot of trash out and I asked her to empty a wastebasket that she had filled up and she got nasty and said it was my trash at the very bottom of the wastebasket so it's hypocritical to ask her to empty it. I hadn't used that trash can for over three months and it's a disgusting nasty lie. I'm just so angry. And I get that she thinks I've been nagging her a lot because I asked her yesterday to wash and put away things that she threw into the hallway after using them in her bedroom. Whenever she is done with something or her dog poops on her bedding, she just throws it into the hallway outside her door and leaves it there for years (then she trips over them and has a tantrum every day).

I have been reading up of getting a court order to force her to get mental health treatment. I'm hoping I can get her to behave better, but if she continues to be nasty and refuses to clean or goes around screaming profanity all day, I might take her to court as soon as I can afford it. I think I might succeed because her ADHD symptoms have caused life-threatening situations for both herself and other people.

She nearly crashed the car once by jumping up and down in the driver's seat and screaming because a tiny cockroach landed on the windshield. She nearly caused another accident by messing with the controls while I was driving and then blamed me and yelled at me for her actions. Once she kept standing stupidly downwind from a structure that was about to blow over in a storm. I had to keep telling her not to stand there because it might fall in top of her and about once a minute I would have to tell her again because she would wander back in front of the unstable structure and stare at it shaking in the wind like a clueless toddler (this is a 39 year old person). I think she has a serious mental illness which includes an inability to cope with daily tasks and recognize when her actions have potentially fatal results. The tricky part is that she hides most of the symptoms from other people (except for the clumsiness and frequent accidents) so it may be hard to prove in court. I just think my life could be completely different if she would admit to having a mental problem and take responsibility for herself. I love my work and my home and my pets and hobbies and there is just this screaming maniac who won't let me enjoy what I have in peace.

Thanks for the suggestion. I will try writing down my goals. I do have a secret file where I hide away information I need to eventually get away. I hid away some money once but had to spend it during and emergency. I also decided that if she ever got physical again, I would file a police report and offer to drop the charges only if she gets mental health screening and treatment. I'm just not going to put up with this anymore just because she thinks there are no consequences for doing things to family members. Thanks for your support. I know I can sound nasty when I'm angry. And sorry if I've been repeating myself. I've been thinking it over and over in my head for years And looking for a solution.

And there's always a chance she will get eaten by a cougar because she often wanders alone at dusk in an area where she knows cougars hunt (symptom of ADHD?). I do fantasize about her getting eaten and imagining the quiet peaceful life I could have on my own. I'll try to forget her nastiness tonight and try to enjoy my life as if she doesn't exist an dream about cougars.
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