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Pixiestixx13
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Trig Sep 14, 2019 at 04:19 PM
  #1
There are many instances of my parents going over the top on ways they punished me. But one sticks out to me in particular to this day. Now to start off I WILL admit that I was in trouble a lot at school all through it from beginning to end. But I will also pair that fact with the fact I am speculative to weather or not I've been living with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) for my entire life and that may or may not have been the root for a lot of my school troubles, and why half the time I didn't understand why I was in trouble or didn't mean to cause any harm.

But, I watched a lot of movies and had a very wild imagination to boot that wasn't always in the realm of unicorns and rainbows. So, I can't exactly place the timeline on this but I feel it should be factored into what took place.
For some reason in early elementary I had a facination with running away. My mom had moved in her 3rd husband, and they may or may not have been already married at the time but he would be the man who was my father figure for the majority of my upbringing.
Anyways, I had two other playground friends that had just as vivid of an imagination, and we started to scheme up actually running away. It was all make believe, we would never have been brave enough to actually do it. But the narrative for our little 'plan' began to morphe into a more movie- like setting. I don't remember which of us came up with what, but the end result was quite a horrifying idea looking back.
I remember thinking of the plan in 3rd person like on tv, I never actually ever imagined myself actually doing these things. It was sort of an extremely morbid version of how kids will play make believe and play different characters. So, to get to the point, myself and these two boys had come up with the idea of running away and meeting at the local gas station.
Possible trigger:

So as my friends were going through who should bring what, already knowing none of us would leave their beds that night, a teacher overheard us and of course got highly concerned and called all of our parents. My parents of course figured I must be some sort of demon spawn from that day forward.
I still don't understand why or how three 1st-2nd graders ever came up with something like that, or even how I should feel about it. All I know for sure is that I never would have ever harmed a single person. And I always had a habit of dreaming up the most horribly vivid horror stories as a child, but that one was definitely the most alarming to recall looking at it from an outside perspective.
I have no clue how I would have handled it as a parent. But, my parents proceed to scream at me for hours on end, my tiny frightened brain unable to even process anything.
Possible trigger:

None of us were prepared and it had lasting trauma on all of us I'm sure. But eventually we must have gotten back to normal somehow, because in 3rd grade it was the usual antics, that I still honestly don't remember much of, I just remember the fear of being in trouble all the time. Well, I developed a bad habit of telling lies all the time. Weather it was why I got in trouble, or how I was doing in school, or even just brushing my teeth, and my parents were so enraged by it. After trying and trying to punish me without me ever stopping my lying problem, they decided to contact a friend of theirs who's husband was a cop and arranged to take me in. I'm fairly sure all I was doing at that point was telling white lies. [trigger]And my parents marched me right into that jail and showed me them and told me if I kept lying then they would give me to these people and lock me in. They also knew that I was insanely terrified of the dark (didn't stop using a night light until 9-10) and made sure to show me the isolation cell, so pitch black I couldn't see beyond the door, and told me that there were lots of cockroaches and rats in there to keep me company.[.trigger] I still can't even describe the level of fear I felt that day, it traumatised me....

So, that is simply a chapter in my story. It dosent get prettier, and I still can't make any sense of any of it. I still don't know what to think of the running away incident, but I definitely feel ashamed to admit it happened.
I can't say enough how much I never would have ever hurt one person but I'm sure a lot of people won't see that as an exuse, but again I was like 8 years old, watched a lot of movies I shouldn't have, and am most likely on the spectrum. I really don't know, but I feel like it shaped my entire upbringing on how my parents viewed me, and I think it just came down to a wild imagination and not understanding how it would have been viewed by adults at the time.
I don't know if I deserved to be threatened with jail for my actions as a child. But I just could be so ****ed up that I'll never know weather to accept it because it was necessary, or reject it because it could be labeled abusive? I just know I'll probably think about it till the day I die. And I live a perfectly upstanding life these days. I've made mistakes but at my core I'm a GOOD person and I'm always trying to help and do right by others. I don't know why I wrote this. I guess I needed to get it off my chest once and for all. If you read this all the way, thank you, and I hope that maybe someone could help me see the truth in any of this and hopefully not see me as a horrible person.

Last edited by bluekoi; Sep 14, 2019 at 07:36 PM..
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Default Sep 15, 2019 at 06:51 AM
  #2
you're not a bad person.

sometimes it's just litirally the case of bad parents

I remember a particular insodent in my life,

Possible trigger:


for ages I thought I'd done something wrong to warrant that, but it was just because I had a mental disorder which my mother couldn't cope with (my mother didn't believe in illness, mental or physical)

their are plenty of other times too. she reacted over the top to most things
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Default Oct 14, 2019 at 08:12 AM
  #3
@Pixiestixx13

I'm so sorry you went through that. You didn't have the best role models or peers, and the "scared straight" thing your parents made you do when you visited that jail is NOT helpful and can be traumatizing for youth.

You're NOT a bad person! It sounds like you had a lot of emotions to deal with as a child, and sometimes when we're caught up with the wrong peers, we learn things that seem fun or rebellious at the time, but they weren't the best of memories looking back when we age.

We all make mistakes as children, especially if we live in violent neighborhoods, or attend schools where your peers learn bad things from their parents and then share those bad things with their peers. It doesn't make those peers "bad" either; they were just morally injured by the things they learned either from home or from others in the neighborhood.

The point now is to see how much you've grown from that place. We're not defined by our pasts.

Sometimes when children are neglected emotionally or otherwise from their parents, their anger comes out through indirect means, such as acting out, etc. Or, sometimes when children have some type of condition, their means of expression comes out emotionally or behaviorally. Parents and teachers may not know how to communicate back in a safe and educational way, so their ways of correcting the problem may actually worsen the problem and/or cause harm/trauma in such children.

It's hard to tell all that you went through from just these few snapshots of your life, but from what you shared, you seem like you are a GOOD person who has had a difficult childhood. You may have struggled with that as part of your identity, but that's not how we see you today, and I'm sure that's not how your friends see you today. If your parents are reinforcing that today, then that's their loss, because what they should see and be proud of is your growth from all that.

I hope this helps.
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Default Oct 14, 2019 at 08:16 AM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by raging vortex View Post
you're not a bad person.

sometimes it's just litirally the case of bad parents

I remember a particular insodent in my life,

Possible trigger:


for ages I thought I'd done something wrong to warrant that, but it was just because I had a mental disorder which my mother couldn't cope with (my mother didn't believe in illness, mental or physical)

their are plenty of other times too. she reacted over the top to most things
@raging vortex (((safe hugs))) I'm so sorry you went through that! Instead of getting comfort and support that every child deserves, you got that traumatic and abusive response from your mother. And to be frightened of a parent who wanted to do that to you makes it all the more painful.

You are a GOOD person! You are not defined by what your mom did and said. You deserved so much more, and I hope life now treats you more kindly.

None of that was your fault, and I am angry at your mom for that! Your mom was straight out criminal!

(((safe hugs)))
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Default Oct 14, 2019 at 02:50 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by lillib View Post
@raging vortex (((safe hugs))) I'm so sorry you went through that! Instead of getting comfort and support that every child deserves, you got that traumatic and abusive response from your mother. And to be frightened of a parent who wanted to do that to you makes it all the more painful.

You are a GOOD person! You are not defined by what your mom did and said. You deserved so much more, and I hope life now treats you more kindly.

None of that was your fault, and I am angry at your mom for that! Your mom was straight out criminal!

(((safe hugs)))


thank you for your post.

my mother is now in another country (thank god), and I don't hear from her anymore

Possible trigger:


but mostly now we don't talk. she's done enough damage in my life
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Default Oct 14, 2019 at 03:58 PM
  #6
Discipline NEVER involves, hitting, yelling, threatening.,ignoring.....those terms are Not discipline, but abuse.
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Default Oct 17, 2019 at 01:24 PM
  #7
You're not a bad person, and you weren't as a child either. An 8 year old, in my opinion, can't be a bad person. She can do bad things, but that reflects on her surroundings. If children act out or do something they're not allowed to, so many adults see them as "difficult", but the truth is that they are in aa difficult situation. You can't punish or yell a child out of a difficult situation. Punishment will only make the child trust adults even less than before, and you have a bad spiral going.

When that teacher heard you talking about those things, he or she should have talked to you about it, asking you about why you came up with that, if you heard or saw anything scary on tv or otherwise, how things were at home etc. And, calling your parents, she or he should have told that she was worried, not that you were bad. And your parents should have done the same. It's never ever the child's fault. A child can't be bad. There's nothing for you to be ashamed of. That shame was put on you, but it isn't and never was yours to carry. What your parents did to you, how they treated you, was not ok. If you had been a litte different, they might have turned you into a criminal. They. Many kids end up that way because of how they are treated by their parents and other adults in their lives. Luckily you didn't. And you're all the better person for going through all of that and still turn into such a good person now.

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