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Default Sep 28, 2019 at 10:41 PM
  #1
So... I have a FWB and I'm definitely in love with him. We started out as friends... We actually started bonding deeply over the fact that we both felt like complete losers. He started telling me that he thought I was very attractive and he said "I love you". I know it sounds stupid, but I've never had any man tell me that they loved me romantically. I've had guys want to sleep with me and I've had guy friends that I've been sexually involved with, but when I asked them, "Do you love me?" They'd usually say something along the lines of, "Well.... I don't know if I love you *yet*". Or they'd change the subject, as though they were ashamed to love me, or ashamed to admit it... Or maybe they didn't even love me at all and just used me for sex... Whatever.

Anyway, my FWB said right away that he loved me. And I fell hard for him. It started off great... He "worshipped" me, practically. He always put my needs before his own. I was his queen, so to speak. He made me feel special, made me feel like I was beautiful. He told me often how lovely I was and how I deserved to be treated well.... I love(d) him very much.

A while ago, (I'm so sorry I can't remember exact times or dates or anything) he started saying some scary things. I told him that I loved him very much and that I would do absolutely anything for him. He's currently jobless and has been trying really hard to find work, but it hasn't been working out for him. I'm pretty sure he has depression, but I was trying really hard to be supportive. He said he was feeling sad one day... Well, he's been sad often, but I remember this particular day because I asked him, "What can I do to help?" And he was like, "Do you really love me?" And of course, I said, "Yes!! I'll do absolutely anything to make you feel better" And he asked me if I would have sex with a stranger for him... And I said, "Well, I'm very shy.. I don't think I'd feel comfortable-" But he said, "You love me, right? If you want to prove to me that you are a good girl and that you truly love me, you'll do it."

I felt cornered. But I said "I'll try"... because what were my other options?! "Sorry, I guess I don't love you that much"????

Things kinda spiraled from there. He started talking about how he wanted to physically hurt me. Things like, choke me, slap me, punch me, "make me cry" etc. I talked to some friends about it and they referred me to a domestic violence hotline. To which, I used their chat option. The agent was kind and gave me a lot of helpful info. But, even though I became aware that FWB was possibly violent, I still did everything I could to make him happy...

Recently, he slapped me and forced himself on me. (Granted, I did not fight back... so maybe it's partially my own fault) I was in so much pain physically and emotionally that I laid in bed for the next three days... When I finally got out of bed to do more than just pee, I went online to talk to my 'friends' about what's been happening... Only to find that many of them turned their backs on me. I'd been offline for three-ish days, and upon my return, I saw many of my 'friends' have moved their conversations along without me. I've since tried my damned hardest to include myself in conversations, but have been met with a cold shoulder. It's hard to not feel like it's on purpose.

It hurts sometimes because I feel cast out, in some sense. The only people I attract much anymore are creepy guys who really only care about sex. I've had several men approach me in these last few weeks with "Ooh, you're sexy"s and "Wow, you have a great body", "Your boobs are so huge"... But it's not complimenting... I feel really washed up right now. I don't think anyone could find me attractive anymore. I'm not beautiful like FWB used to say... I've had all the "fun" beaten out of me. And now I'm not good for anything but sexual favors.

I feel... disgusting, I guess.
I've been a victim of rape and sexual assault in the past too... It feels like no matter where I go, who I meet, where I am.... I am always going to be re-victimized eventually. I was committed April of last year and was sexually assaulted while in the ambulance on my way to the hospital. Before that, I had been raped by an "ex". FWB knew that I had issues with sexual abuse, he acted like he cared. He even asked me when we first started getting sexually involved if I had a problem saying 'no', and to that, I answered 'yes' and he said, "Okay, I'll try to be more attentive and I'll try not to put you in a position where you feel you can't say 'no'." When he did force himself on me, I did not say "no" and I barely even fought back... I don't want to go into more detail than that. I guess it might have been my fault for not saying anything though...

I feel like I'm outcasted from everyone. When people find out what my situation is, they slowly peel back from their conversations with me... And some just ignore me completely. I try and try to get involved, I try to maintain friendships. But it feels like everyone says, "Leave him!" "He doesn't love you!" but I never listen... I *can't* leave him! I can't... I care for him too much, and I want to be there to support him while he's feeling bad about his lack of a job. I love him. And I've had too many bad fall outs with friends that my heart cannot CANNOT handle losing another person... especially one who says that they love me.

I'm 24, but I feel like my life is over at this point. No one will ever love me anymore... at least, not truly. I can't imagine anyone finding me attractive either at this point. I'm literally only good for sex, and not even *good* sex at that. I lay in bed sometimes and think about how my life ended up like this. I always thought I'd be ding something great by now. I thought I'd be married, I thought I'd have children... I thought I'd be living my best life. I barely have any friends, and the ones I *do* have, I haven't told about FWB. If people saw the "real me", this disheveled shell of a woman, they'd find me pathetic and leave me too...

I'm diagnosed with schizophrenia and PTSD and it feels like a lot of men use it against me... I don't really want to explain this further.. But I mentioned it because my mom feels since I have schizophrenia that it makes me "too naive" to make decisions about sex and relationships. She's aware that FWB and I are sexually involved, but she doesn't know that he has been hurting me. I try to keep it a secret. Mom already thinks I'm naive as it is... But if I told her what he did, she'd call the police. And I can't have her call the police because last time police were called (when I was raped previously) the police did nothing but shame me and leave. I can't go through that again.

I guess what I'm trying to say is... I'm feeling very weak. I know I'm pathetic. I know no one will ever find me to be beautiful anymore. That is why I am so desperate to make new friends. I want a better support system so that if (or when) the time comes, I have the strength to leave FWB and I have friends to support me. I do have a therapist, but she specializes in schizophrenia treatment. Although, she and I have discussed past sexual abuse before and she was kind and supportive... She's really the only support system I have right now other than maybe one or two people online. That's why I am always afraid of making mistakes. I don't want to be casted out anymore... I don't want to be alone anymore.

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Default Sep 29, 2019 at 12:35 AM
  #2
Holding you closely.......I'm beyond sorry for what you have been through. I'm furious, that you feel so worthless, weak, and everything you describe your feeling. You've had so, so many bad things happen to you. That's TO you. You didn't seek it out, you never asked, and you sure as hell didn't deserve one bad thing that's happened. You deserve love, goodness.....I wish I really could help, but, please, stay here with us x
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Default Sep 29, 2019 at 07:47 AM
  #3
Hi, @Esmme.

I am so sorry for all that you have been through. Please try to remember that what people have done to you is not about you; it is about THEM. I know that's hard to see. I am about twice your age and am still reteaching myself that every day .

It hurts me to know that you are feeling such awful things about yourself. You are not worthless or unlovable. I used to think I was. Other people told me what I am telling you, and I thought, "Yes, but I am different." I was not, and you are not. You will find love and a true sense of worth someday. I promise. It will not be easy. But it will happen.

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Default Sep 30, 2019 at 05:54 PM
  #4
just give them permission to go off no one should have this about good in them
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Default Oct 26, 2019 at 03:38 PM
  #5
I just wanted to write a little update;

I'm still with FWB and he's still abusing me.
He's hit me a few times and says that he wants to "hurt me more than last time"...

He's also made it clear to me that he doesn't see me as anything more than a "thing" to use as he wants.
We haven't been intimate in a minute, as we don't do anything while I'm menstruating. But I plan to spend Halloween with him...

I've managed to talk to some friends about him, and they are all upset because I've had plenty of chances to leave FWB, but I chose not to.

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Default Oct 26, 2019 at 05:15 PM
  #6
Women are murdered every year by men. I hope you will get help to leave. You can call the National Domestic Violence hotline. No one deserves abuse. He won't stop.....why are you choosing to stay? Fear of being alone? That kept me in an abusive marriage for 31 years, but I finally got the courage to leave. Abuse brainwashes you, you believe what the abuser says, and it is a struggle to leave.....He is dangerous and will more than likely accelerate the abuse; I hope you will call the Domestic Abuse hotline; make a first step to help yourself....the book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans was a lifesaver. He has told you who he is, so believe him. PLEASE don't become a murder statistic.

Have you discussed what he is doing and saying with your therapist? She should be able to help you, and if not refer you to someone who can. Someone who says they love you and abuses you....that isn't love. He is broken, and you cannot fix or help him.

Life is about choices and abuse is a CHOICE. He does it because he knows he can get away with it. It feels as if your life is over, but it isn't.....You CAN make good choices, but it is a struggle (I know).....with some help you can reclaim your life and have a healthy relationship.
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Default Oct 26, 2019 at 10:04 PM
  #7
Another survivor here. In my case, I am a fairly physically large male who allowed myself for years to be verbally, emotionally, and physically abused by my female 'partner.' Finally got out, before she could kill me, which is really, I think, where this thing was heading. Please, please, please leave while you still can. Not sure where you are in California, but I feel certain there is some support available to you not far from your location. Please look into this and take advantage of it. You are being mistreated. You deserve so much better. Sending you prayers and positive vibes.

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Default Oct 27, 2019 at 04:29 AM
  #8
National Domestic Violence Hotline | Get Help Today | 1-800-799-7233
How to Get Out of an Abusive Relationship - HelpGuide.org
https://www.womenshealth.gov/relatio...e-relationship
I am sorry this is happening to you. He will kill you. Or he will hurt you beyond your mental survival. You do not need to worry about why this is happening or what you think is wrong with you. You need a safety plan and a way to leave. Please use these links. Do not become a statistic.

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Default Nov 01, 2019 at 04:49 PM
  #9
I chatted with someone from the National Domestic Violence Hotline and was given really good information and even a safety plan for how to avoid sexual assault and I was given some addresses of local places I can go to for help...

I feel really bad for being so difficult
I just don't feel like I am ready to leave him

I planned to spend Halloween day with him but I ended up having an "episode" I guess (I am diagnosed with schizophrenia and PTSD) and I had a massive flashback with tears and disorientation and he tried to help, but all he could really think about was having sex so the moment I started feeling like I was 'back', he started talking about all the sexual things he wanted to do to me
I also have my first pap smear scheduled today adn that caused me a lot of anxiety and flaring up some symptoms... I texted him almost all day yesterday (since he decided to give me 'space') and I told him I was really scared of the pap smear and his response was "You'll be okay OMG"

I almost had the nerve to tell him that I was done with him... but I feel stuck
We don't live together, but I find that the time we spend apart makes me miss him because I realize how lonely I am without him

I'm really trying to get better and I know e doesn't love me the way I love him

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Default Nov 02, 2019 at 07:10 PM
  #10
I think I'm going to leave him

I went to the doctor, and found out there's a possibility I might be pregnant. I decided not to tell FWB about the possibility. But he's asked me a couple times how the appointment went and I opted to tell him I did not want to talk about it.
I didn't want him to get upset... but he's upset with me now anyway for not telling him what happened.

I'm really really sick of this stuff he pulls... He only seems to (pretend) care when he wants sex or sexual favors. Every time I'm really struggling he's like, "sorry you're having a hard time rn. Btw, are you DTF this weekend?"

I'm really angry and already stressed out from other things , not even mentioning that I might be pregnant
And I'm scared to let him go because he's the guy I've ever met who has stuck with me through all the hard times. He's seen me in really low places, he's witnessed my 'word salad' and my really bad symptoms and he's still stayed

But is the stability worth the degradation ?
I'm not sure

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Default Nov 03, 2019 at 06:23 AM
  #11
Abuse damages your immune system. He stays because he can get away with disrespecting and abusing you. He knows another woman wouldn't allow that.. You will leave the relationship when you can. It takes a lot of courage...you are worth saving and having a happy life.
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Default Nov 23, 2019 at 10:46 PM
  #12
Long overdue update;

I am *not* pregnant , although my body has been doing some weird things lately, probably just due to stress

FWB and I have been playing phone tag for a while because he'd text and I would stare at the phone screen, ignore it... get lonely late at night, text him back... he'd text back when he could...

He's been extra sad and discouraged lately
I try really hard to be there for him, I try really hard to support him and make him feel like he's good

He's been having a rough time of it.
I texted him earlier and he hasn't responded and I have to admit, it's worrying me...

edit;
Also, I did not tell him about the possible pregnancy, nor what the doctor said.
He was very upset with me over that because I wouldn't tell him... I don't really care about that anymore

He's been talking about going on holiday together and says all the things he wants to do to me,
And he's been telling him how much he wants to beat me and I've been kidna distant and when I try to avoid sexual intimacy and try to make excuses for not awanting to have sex or get hurt, he says "well, you never say no,, so..."
And it makes me feel bad because yeah, I don't say "no" and I don't even fight or try to ... makes me feel like it's my own fault

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