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Old 10-21-2019, 01:07 AM   #1
HALLIEBETH87
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Default Memories

I have ptsd from extensive childhood abuse at the hands of my step mother. She was the stereotypical step mom. I try not to think about her.

Anyhow...she’s been in my dreams lately. And I can’t
Get one specific memory to go away.

Trigger......



I was in trouble for something as a teen and she was yelling at me. She called me a fat *** bug eyed *****.

I was 17..,
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Old 10-21-2019, 01:21 AM   #2
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Default Re: Memories

@HALLIEBETH87

(((safe hugs)))

I'm so sorry you are dealing with those traumatic memories. You deserved so much better than that as a child/teen.

When I was in trauma treatment for recurring memories, the therapist would often say that the memories keep coming back because I didn't acknowledge those memories, process them in a safe way, and counter the negative thoughts I had from those traumatic memories. I internalized the memories I had as "truths" about myself, instead of seeing them as betrayal wounds that never should have been. I thought I was bad, ugly, hopeless, worthless - until I started telling myself affirmations like "I'm a good person. I deserved a better upbringing. I deserve to feel safe. I'm beautiful in my own way. I have hope. I am worthy. There's so much I can enjoy in life, but I'm okay feeling sad right now about the things that happened to me." It's best to process these things with a therapist who can validate your feelings, hear your trauma story, validate your existence, redirect your thoughts about yourself to more positive self-talk, and walk with you in your grief over the losses that stemmed from those traumas, such as a lost childhood, a lost sense of self, a lost identity, a lost relationship with a parent who was supposed to nurture you and accept you no matter what.

(((safe hugs))) I'm sorry if anything I shared above is painful right now. That's okay to feel and be where you are right now. The memories will eventually dissipate.

I still have nightmares, but about memories I haven't processed yet. It sometimes takes time to find the courage to process them. That's okay. I tell myself that I'm okay being where I am at right now. I will eventually be able to face these things with a trusted therapist. I just haven't went back to therapy yet, and I haven't felt trust yet with a therapist. But I'm trying, and that's all we can do.

There may be other better suggestions than I have, but just know that you're not alone. You are a good person, a beautiful person, no matter what.

I'm obese (not just overweight, but now obese), but I remind myself that I do love myself no matter what. I know that you are a beautiful person because you are uniquely you, no matter what.
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Old 10-21-2019, 04:32 AM   #3
HALLIEBETH87
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Default Re: Memories

Thank you for all your kind words! I do have a very good psychologist I work with and he reminds me her opinion doesn’t really matter. Some days are hard though
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Dx:Schizoaffective, Bipolar type.
Panic disorder
PTSD
Hx of bpd

lamictal, haldol, cogentin, celexa and valium
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Old 11-08-2019, 01:52 PM   #4
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I'm so sorry. I've had similar but with my older sister. I still suffer from the past abuse and that of other event's
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