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Old 10-24-2019, 08:38 AM   #1
IVYCA
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Trig I'm drowning (trigger warning)

this took so much for me to be here writing this, but I can feel myself slipping again and I don't want to ever go down the road I've experienced before, although I can already feel that I'm not okay right now. It's been over a year (may 24th, 2018) and I have still not even said out loud that I was r***d my junior year of high school. I was 16. I had never had sex before and I liked the guy. I was scared and I said no, but he pressured me until I was silent, I tried to leave but he said he liked me and he wanted me to stay. I asked my friend to come get me and she never did. He was on top of me and I couldn't move. I've never felt so much pain in my life and it was the most violent experience, I felt like it lasted hours and I was paralyzed, his parents were downstairs sleeping. Our friends were in the room next door. He wouldn't let me leave and he drove me home afterwards. I had to tell him "thank you" for the ride. I was so scared and I just wanted to run, but I was already going to be in trouble for coming home at 5 in the morning, and I couldn't run even if I wanted to. I never told my parents, I never coped with it. I pushed it down and then wondered why I was sad all the time. I hate myself so much for it. I hate that he took my virginity, I hate that I couldn't and didn't stop him, I hate that he held all the power and now even seeing him on my feed or the thought of him name makes me dizzy and I can't breathe. I hate that I'm scared. I always thought that if that ever happened to me that I would be a strong woman and fight back. But we were friends, and I told him no, and I couldn't push him off of me and the worst part was I didn't even realize what had happened to me because I didn't think that someone you liked so much could do that to you. I've never told anyone, and I haven't been with anyone since because every time I feel so suffocated and all I can see is him crushing me and I feel like I'm paralyzed and it feels like everything is happening all over again and it scares me so bad. but now I'm a freshman in college and the thought of being in a relationship or having anything like that terrifies me. I hate that all my friends can be free to do whatever they want but I'm stuck in this jail where I can't even get close with a guy without my head throbbing and my throat closing up, tears welling in my eyes and my whole body going rigid. I hate that he ruined me and I hate that I don't know how to get over this. I recently had an experience with my very good friend, he made a move on me and it felt so similar to when it happened that now I avoid him every where on campus, I burst into tears this morning because the thought of it made me nauseous. I don't know how to be normal anymore. I can feel myself slipping again back to the lowest place I've ever been and I don't know how to cope. I feel like I need to talk to someone or else it will keep screaming in my head and I wish I could tell my friends so they understood that when I say I'm not doing good that I'm not joking. That when I say I don't want to be left alone with any guy that I'm not being prude, I'm terrified. I wish I could tell my parents, but I haven't spoken to my mother in months and she is a recovering alcoholic, and I know that I can't bother her with something like this and still expect her to stay sober. My family will never know. but I know I'm drowning and it all feels like so much and I really don't know how much more of this I can take, I wish there was any help near me because I genuinely know I need to talk to someone but I could never afford therapy and I can't have my parents knowing that I need therapy, I've never been close with them and i need a way to get help on my own. I just want to be normal again. My innocence was ripped away from me by a boy who just thought it was funny to pin a girl down and r**pe her so violently that she couldn't walk, laid in bed for days crying, and then follow her around school for weeks after because I'm the ***** for ignoring him. I could write so much more of how im feeling and what the ugly voice in my head tells me every day about how weak I am and how I'm not ever going to be worth anyone's time but It's exhausting to live with it, much less describe it. I just know that I need help and I don't know what else to do but click on the first link that popped up and write to strangers on the internet about my deepest traumas that have never been uttered out loud before.

Last edited by bluekoi; 10-24-2019 at 11:01 AM.. Reason: Add triggger icon.
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Old 10-24-2019, 02:38 PM   #2
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Smile Re: I'm drowning (trigger warning)

Hello IVYCA: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. Welcome to Psych Central. I'm so sorry you had to endure this disgusting experience. Hopefully coming here to PC can be of some comfort & support. One additional forum, here on PC, that may be of interest to you would be the Women-Focused Support forum. Here's a link:

https://psychcentralforums.com/women-focused-support/

And then, since you mentioned your mother is alcoholic, the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum may be one to check out:

https://psychcentralforums.com/adult...of-alcoholics/

You wrote your family will never know what happened to you & you don't want them to know you need therapy. (And, of course, that is your choice.) It's not my place to tell you what to do. But I really feel like, somehow, you have to get past worrying about what your family (or anyone else for that matter) thinks & do what you need to do to heal. I know you wrote you just want to be normal again. But the experience you had is not likely to go away by itself. You can & you will be normal again. In fact you can be stronger than before. But that will only happen, I believe, if you get the help you need.

You mentioned you're in college. Perhaps there is a student counseling center you could start with? Is there any type of women's advocacy center near you that might have something to offer or possibly know of something? Are there any free or income-adjusted mental health services providers you could approach? Assuming you're in the U.S. another option might be to contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline:

About the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline | RAINN

1 (800) 656-4673

Here are links to a selection of 8 articles, from Psych Central's archives that (hopefully) may be of help:

Sexual Assault: What Is It? How to Empower Recovery for Survivors

Building Empowerment After Sexual Assault

https://pro.psychcentral.com/recover...exual-assault/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/coping-with-flashbacks/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...oholic-parent/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/finding...therapy/?all=1

https://psychcentral.com/blog/what-t...fford-therapy/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.
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Old 10-24-2019, 03:36 PM   #3
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Trig Re: I'm drowning (trigger warning)

IVYCA, I am so sorry you had to go through something like this and for it to take away something so precious to you. I am glad you were able to share such an horrific experience and I hope just by doing that it helped you in some way. I myself at a little later age was sexually abuse by several guys and I know exactly how vulnerable you feel and how scared and hurt you feel inside. I hope you continue to speak out so this guy and others like him can be stopped. If you ever need to talk my messages are always opened.

Last edited by CANDC; 10-24-2019 at 05:31 PM.. Reason: trigger icon added
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Old 10-24-2019, 04:00 PM   #4
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RAINN is also an excellent resource; I am so sorry this happened to you, xo
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Old 11-05-2019, 11:52 PM   #5
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Default Re: I'm drowning (trigger warning)

Hi IVYCA,

I'm so sorry you underwent something so traumatic. I'm glad you found Psych Central Forums. You'll find loads of people you can talk to here. This is a great first step towards healing. Sadly you are not alone...hundreds of women (and men) get raped everyday, some by strangers, but mostly by people you know. But the good thing is, you are not in prison. Healing takes time, everyday, a little by little. And healing requires effort. If you cannot afford therapy, I'm pretty sure your university will have counselors you can talk to. If you don't want to talk to your college counselor, see if you can join group therapy or a support group. Sometimes, even a stranger who knows your pain is more helpful than a professional with years of experience.


If you don't want group therapy or support group, please start reading self-help books on this topic. "Body Keeps Score" by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk is a good place to start. You should try writing a journal of your innermost thoughts. Writing is very therapeutic and healing as it helps you acknowledge your pain. Also, see if you can join some self-defense class....because when your body realizes it's powerful and capable of defending itself, that thought in itself can be very healing.


I've put some thoughts out here...do what you feel is right and what you need right now. And I know you expect your friends to be intuitive about your pain, but at their age, they probably are more focused in their own inner world. They probably will not understand the pain you are in, even if you mention to them that you were assaulted. And don't withhold the trauma you underwent from your parents - their job is to protect you and not the other way round. How they react to it is not for you to think. Please read this if you can - Your Online Counselor - Beth McHugh - Sexual Assault Victims Protecting Others

All my best....and yes, we're here for you.
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Old 11-22-2019, 05:30 PM   #6
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Old 01-22-2020, 12:54 AM   #7
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Default Re: I'm drowning (trigger warning)

I am so sorry you went through that. Huge hugs for you. You are right you do need to talk about it so you just keep on talking on here until you find someone in real life to talk to. You arent alone and people do care.
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Old 01-26-2020, 02:07 PM   #8
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Default Re: I'm drowning (trigger warning)

Most universities have a counseling center and a Women's and Gender Equity Center. One or both of those will likely have at least one assault survivor's support group. You are beautiful, strong, and brave to be reaching out here for support.
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Old 02-14-2020, 08:46 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IVYCA View Post
this took so much for me to be here writing this, but I can feel myself slipping again and I don't want to ever go down the road I've experienced before, although I can already feel that I'm not okay right now. It's been over a year (may 24th, 2018) and I have still not even said out loud that I was r***d my junior year of high school. I was 16. I had never had sex before and I liked the guy. I was scared and I said no, but he pressured me until I was silent, I tried to leave but he said he liked me and he wanted me to stay. I asked my friend to come get me and she never did. He was on top of me and I couldn't move. I've never felt so much pain in my life and it was the most violent experience, I felt like it lasted hours and I was paralyzed, his parents were downstairs sleeping. Our friends were in the room next door. He wouldn't let me leave and he drove me home afterwards. I had to tell him "thank you" for the ride. I was so scared and I just wanted to run, but I was already going to be in trouble for coming home at 5 in the morning, and I couldn't run even if I wanted to. I never told my parents, I never coped with it. I pushed it down and then wondered why I was sad all the time. I hate myself so much for it. I hate that he took my virginity, I hate that I couldn't and didn't stop him, I hate that he held all the power and now even seeing him on my feed or the thought of him name makes me dizzy and I can't breathe. I hate that I'm scared. I always thought that if that ever happened to me that I would be a strong woman and fight back. But we were friends, and I told him no, and I couldn't push him off of me and the worst part was I didn't even realize what had happened to me because I didn't think that someone you liked so much could do that to you. I've never told anyone, and I haven't been with anyone since because every time I feel so suffocated and all I can see is him crushing me and I feel like I'm paralyzed and it feels like everything is happening all over again and it scares me so bad. but now I'm a freshman in college and the thought of being in a relationship or having anything like that terrifies me. I hate that all my friends can be free to do whatever they want but I'm stuck in this jail where I can't even get close with a guy without my head throbbing and my throat closing up, tears welling in my eyes and my whole body going rigid. I hate that he ruined me and I hate that I don't know how to get over this. I recently had an experience with my very good friend, he made a move on me and it felt so similar to when it happened that now I avoid him every where on campus, I burst into tears this morning because the thought of it made me nauseous. I don't know how to be normal anymore. I can feel myself slipping again back to the lowest place I've ever been and I don't know how to cope. I feel like I need to talk to someone or else it will keep screaming in my head and I wish I could tell my friends so they understood that when I say I'm not doing good that I'm not joking. That when I say I don't want to be left alone with any guy that I'm not being prude, I'm terrified. I wish I could tell my parents, but I haven't spoken to my mother in months and she is a recovering alcoholic, and I know that I can't bother her with something like this and still expect her to stay sober. My family will never know. but I know I'm drowning and it all feels like so much and I really don't know how much more of this I can take, I wish there was any help near me because I genuinely know I need to talk to someone but I could never afford therapy and I can't have my parents knowing that I need therapy, I've never been close with them and i need a way to get help on my own. I just want to be normal again. My innocence was ripped away from me by a boy who just thought it was funny to pin a girl down and r**pe her so violently that she couldn't walk, laid in bed for days crying, and then follow her around school for weeks after because I'm the ***** for ignoring him. I could write so much more of how im feeling and what the ugly voice in my head tells me every day about how weak I am and how I'm not ever going to be worth anyone's time but It's exhausting to live with it, much less describe it. I just know that I need help and I don't know what else to do but click on the first link that popped up and write to strangers on the internet about my deepest traumas that have never been uttered out loud before.
I'm sorry that you ever had to experience that. Have you considered talking to a rape therapist? Have you considered taking a self defense classes?
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Old 02-24-2020, 08:08 PM   #10
TheEmptyRoom
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Trig Re: I'm drowning (trigger warning)

I am urging you to reach out for help. As a person who was a victim of long term sexual abuse as a child and raped as an adult, I can tell you what I have dealt with. Years of painful memories, struggling alone, depression, PTSD, nightmares, feeling like I deserved the crap life I was dealt.

Possible trigger:
Took everyone of them out of the house and to the sheriff's office and I went into a 2 month intensive outpatient treatment program. Where I learned that I did not have to suffer alone. They taught went over the neurobiology of the trauma and why I was having so much problems. I learned a lot about myself. A lot about why I feel what I feel. Knowing that helped more than you know. They discharged me to a trauma therapist. She is amazing. She has helped me so much. Last night I was triggered by someone talking about an apartment I was sexually abused in. I was there in that moment again. But it was different. Instead of living it out, it was like I was watching it. I was crying after. But the normal anxiety attack and depressive episode that would leave me numb on the couch for days did not happen..
Possible trigger:
I grabbed a ring that has my husband and my name on it. And found comfort in that. Now did my day suck, yes... but did I get up, get dressed, go to work, and come home without hurting myself, yes..

I am so sorry you had to go through that. My heart is aching for you and I wish I could take that awful thing away from you. I would give anything to do that. But, please reach out to someone for help. What happened to you was something beyond your control. You were the victim. But, now you are a survivor and you will continue to be. Just know that people care and are there to help you. It is easier to get through the hard times with help. You do not have to face it alone.

Last edited by bluekoi; 02-24-2020 at 08:17 PM.. Reason: Apply trigger codes.
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