Desperate for Advice

Hi guys. I'm posting this because I have finally decided it's time to do something about my hopeless situation. I have a father who gets rage over even the littlest things, building up slowly until it turns almost physical and violent.


Today I was being a little overdramatic and he proceeded to throw my phone on the ground repeatedly and call me names like idiotic, retarded, dumbass, etc and told me to shut the **** up every time I talked, and was eyes bulging, trembling, and pointing his finger in my face extremely violently.


I thought he was going to kill me when he picked up a plate in a threatening way. I have thought about reporting his condition or whatever it is (yes it's happened multiple times to my mom, siblings, and I) but decided against it because without him the family would fall apart, our education, home, everything would just fall apart.


So we try to be careful around him, but he triggers almost too easily. What should I do, and what is his condition? I didn't know what else to do and I found this so I guess I'll just wait to see what you guys tell me.


(Also I think my little brother and sister suffer intense mental trauma every time this happens but the whole episode is usually over in about maybe 40 minutes and the grudge lasts about a week until he seems perfectly normal again.


He always says sorry, and he's a believer in god, I think. Whenever we fight amongst each other, as punishment he makes us write the bible, or some of it, and we do because he's scary as hell. He acts completely fine one second, blows up in violent words and motions the next, and then just like that he's calm again. Any words of advice? From anyone?

Quote:

Originally Posted by hrhytyh Hi guys. I'm posting this because I have finally decided it's time to do something about my hopeless situation. I have a father who gets rage over even the littlest things, building up slowly until it turns almost physical and violent. Today I was being a little overdramatic and he proceeded to throw my phone on the ground repeatedly and call me names like idiotic, retarded, dumbass, etc and told me to shut the **** up every time I talked, and was eyes bulging, trembling, and pointing his finger in my face extremely violently. I thought he was going to kill me when he picked up a plate in a threatening way. I have thought about reporting his condition or whatever it is (yes it's happened multiple times to my mom, siblings, and I) but decided against it because without him the family would fall apart, our education, home, everything would just fall apart. So we try to be careful around him, but he triggers almost too easily. What should I do, and what is his condition? I didn't know what else to do and I found this so I guess I'll just wait to see what you guys tell me. (Also I think my little brother and sister suffer intense mental trauma every time this happens but the whole episode is usually over in about maybe 40 minutes and the grudge lasts about a week until he seems perfectly normal again. He always says sorry, and he's a believer in god, I think. Whenever we fight amongst each other, as punishment he makes us write the bible, or some of it, and we do because he's scary as hell. He acts completely fine one second, blows up in violent words and motions the next, and then just like that he's calm again. Any words of advice? From anyone?

@hrhytyh

How old are you, might I ask? How old are your siblings?

It sounds like you guys are experiencing domestic violence, even if no one is being physically hurt. The threat of physical abuse via emotional/verbal abuse might be there with your father's smashing of things, yelling, etc. If there are minors (youth under the age of 18) in your household, then your father's behavioral patterns may be considered a form of child maltreatment in your jurisdiction, though every jurisdiction differs in their laws.

You shouldn't minimize your pain or even preemptive actions. Even if this repeated pattern of your father's lasts for seconds, as opposed to 40 minutes (which is a long time, by the way), it's still abusive! There's nothing you did to cause this - please understand that! You have a right to your feelings, as does every member in your family. However, as children, you all have a right to feel safe in your own home. Those incidences you have described are not safe; they're abusive and terrifying at times.

Your father could get help, as could your entire family. The most immediate form of help would be to call the police, since they are equipped to handling domestic violence cases. Another alternative, especially if the anger spell has already ceased, is to contact child protective services (social workers) in your area, that is, if you are in the United States. If you are not in the US, then contacting the local authories would be the best first step. They should be trained to take police reports and monitor the situation, if not investigate it.

Although child welfare and protective services get a bad wrap for breaking up families, they also have programs to help families find the right treatments they need to be safe.

Does your dad have a drinking problem that you are aware of? Is your dad a veteran of the armed forces? Is your mom protective of you at all, or is she scared of your dad? The answers to these questions would be helpful to the social worker or police officers who are taking your statement. You should describe to them exactly what you described to us here.

I know it is scary to call the police or social workers on your own family, but it is really a brave thing you can do for yourself, your mom, your siblings, and even your dad. Your dad may not be open to seeking treatment for his anger/rage outbursts, but sometimes interventions through police and/or social workers might help him.

You are brave to reach out here. I'm sorry you and your family are suffering, including your own dad. (((safe hugs)))

Please consider contacting the police and/or child protective services. If you feel more comfortable, you can also call or visit your nearest emergency room and ask to speak with a doctor or nurse, who can then, as mandatory reporters, help you find the best options for your situation.

If you are in school, you can also tell a teacher, a school counselor, or some staff member in the administration office your situation, since they are also mandatory reporters.

There may be online support systems that you can reach out to as well, so you can do a Google search in your area (city, state, zip code) to find the nearest emergency room, emergency school contact, social worker, child protective services (or Department of Children and Family Services; DCFS), and/or non-emergency police websites. They may have platforms for you to contact them via email, but they will want to know your full name, your family's names, your address, your phone number, and/or your email.

I know this is scary and hard, but you are doing a great job in reaching out and finding help. You are doing a great job at trying to protect your family, including your own dad, who needs help.

Please be safe and consider reporting all of this to one of the resources mentioned above. (((safe hugs)))

Here are some USA hotlines:

Domestic Violence: National Domestic Violence Hotline | Get Help Today | 1-800-799-7233

Child Protection: Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline

Child Protection by State (USA): Individual state child abuse hotlines

Crisis Hotlines (Child Welfare Information Gateway): https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/reslist/tollfree/

National Domestic Violence Hotline: National Domestic Violence Hotline | Family and Youth Services Bureau | ACF

NCADV Resources: https://ncadv.org/resources

Simple list of people you can turn to for help with your family's problems:

1. Speak with a teacher (if at school)
2. Call police (call 9-1-1)
3. Speak with fire fighters (if they are around)
4. Speak with a doctor or nurse at the emergency room (you can call or visit the nearest ER)
5. Speak with a social worker or counselor
6. Call one of the hotlines (for crisis, domestic violence, or child abuse)

When family doesn't feel safe, or when your parents aren't seeking help, then you can find help for them. The lists and information provided are all resources you can use. You can even tell more than one person about your situation. The more support you have, the more likely you and your family will receive the help you need.

Stay safe. Keep us posted on how you're doing.

Here's a link that I think would help you understand that what you and your siblings are going through is considered a form of emotional abuse: Child Emotional Abuse | Prevent Child Abuse America

Here's an excerpt on what emotional abuse is, according to Prevent Child Abuse America:

Quote:

Rejecting: The caregiver refuses to acknowledge the child’s worth and the legitimacy of the child’s needs. Isolating: The adult cuts the child off from normal social experiences, prevents the child from forming friendships, and makes the child believe that he or she is alone in the world. Terrorizing: The adult creates a climate of fear, bullies and frightens the child, and makes the child believe that the world is capricious and hostile. Ignoring: The adult deprives the child of essential stimulation and responsiveness. Corrupting: The adult encourages the child to engage in destructive and antisocial behavior, reinforces deviance, and impairs a child’s ability to behave in socially appropriate ways. Verbally Assaulting: The adult humiliates the child with repeated name-calling, harsh threats, and sarcasm that continually “beat down” the child’s self-esteem. Overpressuring: The adult imposes extreme pressure upon the child to behave and achieve in ways that are far beyond the child’s capabilities.

In addition to the list above, you may be experiencing parentification, which means that you're taking on the role of a "parent" at least some of the time, in order to protect your family because your parents aren't fulfilling that role for you or for your siblings. Most older siblings will typically take on that "role reversal." It's not your fault that you've been placed into that role. That role often occurs as a result of neglect and/or abuse, especially when parents aren't able to fully take care of themselves let alone their own children. Furthermore, that role often occurs when there are siblings involved, especially younger siblings. Your role is a brave and strong role, and your role is very helpful! Your role should not be put down or discredited, but instead, your role should be praised for your efforts in helping your entire family. Although you're not responsible for your father's behavior, you are doing what you can to reach out for help for your entire family. That's a great thing! You are doing a great job by coming here and by finding ways to help your family.

Here's some information about parentification and young carers, just in case you need it:

https://www.healthaffairs.org/do/10....7.061390/full/

Resources | National Alliance for Caregiving

Harming Your Child by Making Him Your Parent

Parentification Resources - The Band Back Together Project

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...-intense-child

Here are resources for military families (where at least one parent is serving in the military):

Military OneSource: (children can call for their parents, too)

Reporting Child Abuse as a Service Member

Free 24/7 Support for Military Life | Military OneSource

Military Family Support | Military Community

And here are resources for veteran families (where one or more parents are veterans):

Veterans Crisis Line: (children can call for their veteran parents, too)

Veterans Crisis LIne - Mental Health

Our Military (Veterans Helpline): (children can call for their veteran parents, too)

Veterans Helpline | Veterans Abuse Hotline | OurMilitary.com |

And, finally, here is information about "domestic violence" as a legal term. According to FindLaw, the broad definition of domestic violence includes:

Domestic Violence - FindLaw

* violent acts within the household
* child maltreatment within the household
* intimate partner violence within the household
* physical assaults within the household
* psychological violence within the household
* sexual assaults within the household
* economic abuse within the household

The definitions of domestic violence may vary across jurisdictions.

I think all the above advice is solid and well thought of. I'm sorry you are going through this. Please remember this is not your fault.

Hi hrhytyh,

Welcome to Psychcentral Forums. You'll find lots of support here and I'm glad you found it.


I know what it's like growing up around a person who can seem like a cotton ball one minute and volcano the next. My father was a narcissist and had sleeping issues because of snoring. Eventually he stroked and died. There could be many reasons why your father has such an explosive personality - narcissism, anti-social, could be a medical problem, could be that he grew up in an environment like this and for him, this is normal. It's not your or our job to diagnose him....none of us here are qualified. So can't help you there.

However, everyone here can tell you that it cannot be healthy for anyone in your family - not for you, not for your siblings, not for your mom and not even for your dad. We as human beings like familiarity, predictability. This unpredictable violent environment you are in right now, will damage everyone. It is commendable yet sad that you are the one initiating the action to do something about it and not your mother. Have you talked to your mother about your father's behavior? Was he always like this (before you and your siblings were born)? Are there your father's siblings you can talk to?

Things in your house will not change unless your mother takes an action. I don't know how violent your father is. Can the adults in your family hold an intervention? Can your mother force your father into therapy or see a family doctor or threaten to leave? Can your mother force your father to live apart until he works on his anger issues. Can you, your siblings and your mother start family therapy....which will atleast help you deal with your issues.

You and your siblings really need to talk to your mother about your dad's behavior and encourage your mother to take action. However, if you guys fear for your safety or your mother doesn't take any action, you may have to call Domestic violence hotline or CPS. It may seem like a big step, even seem like disrupting your family. but it really would be better for everyone in the long run - even your dad who maybe forced to take action to correct his behavior.