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MrsA
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Default Nov 18, 2019 at 06:10 AM
  #21
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Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul View Post
MrsA,I am an introvert,but I want to be an extrovert.I was forced to believe that silence is golden and that my opinions do not matter.I never got validated .I am a silent observer.In general my acquaintances have a very bad opinion of me and my capabilities.They have an expectation that I am a failure.When after some time I get something done,which is quite challenging. They get a surprise. I am supposed to be a failure and dumb idiot.Their surprise turns into rage and hate.They couldn't keep me under their thumb.Sometimes silence is really golden,specially with toxic people.But people who really know me,they adore me,they help me when in crisis and ask for help.They know they can depend on me.I suffer intensely,but do not look like I am suffering.I think you got the picture.
Do you really want to be an extrovert? I like being introverted so much that a lot of grownups thought I was mental. Some teachers praised me for being independent while others complained to my parents and tried to stop me reading during recess. I get what you mean about people being enraged whenever you prove that you are a loser though. I spent years doing things to convince my mom's family that I wasn't stupid and they got angry whenever I achieved anything and even called me a freak. I eventually figured out that my relatives could only be happy if they thought I was starving and incompetent and they would spread such rumors to make themselves feel better.

So do you mean that you can act normal around most people? That is what I am trying to achieve. Once I stop pretending to be happy, I go around crying all the time so it's hard to get things done. Lately, I decided to try to stuff the cat back in the bag and get back to appearing normal so I can achieve something positive and move on.
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Default Nov 18, 2019 at 01:29 PM
  #22
MrsA,I think I became in introvert because of my circumstances. When I am in a group I find myself wanting to be outgoing and want to be able to talk to everyone.But I refrain.It feels like you are hungry,yummy food is served in front of you but your hands are tied.I admire people who can be truly extroverts.( not the flaky fake ones.).I often feel sad that I can't be or unable to be.Forced silence became a true silence eventually. If you know what I mean.
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Default Nov 20, 2019 at 12:48 PM
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Default Nov 24, 2019 at 04:23 AM
  #24
@Mendingmysoul I sort of get what you mean. I probably became introverted because I was left alone a lot during preschool-kindergarten age. I remember wandering alone for hours and thinking really seriously about things and I used to observe and secretly critique the behavior of adults. I only became shy when my mom married a violent person who encouraged my older sister's bullying (he turned her into a narcissist like himself).

There were times when I wanted to be more accepted or socially involved as other kids were but I always had my sister telling me I looked and acted stupid in front of people. From childhood, I was always required to perform music in front of a lot of people and I was surprised that some people said I was popular in college because of the music thing. Have you thought of doing something with your hobbies like gardening competitions or writing a blog on a topic you like? That would allow you to stand out in an area where you are comfortable. I've been wanting to write a gardening blog myself as soon as I find the time to set one up. I also need to tidy up my yard so that it looks decent in photos. Lately I've been thinking it's time to get out and be more social to reduce the impact family has on my life so maybe it's a good thing you brought up the extroversion issue.
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Default Nov 24, 2019 at 03:08 PM
  #25
In some ways you sound just like me.I had to take care of myself in my childhood and my mom was very cruel and violent. I endured physical abuse and neglect in the hands of my parents.My dad was not abusive but turned a blind eye to my mom's abuse.People thought I was crazy.My mom rallied around saying I was a difficult and angry child.People believed her.There was no way to get people to see the reality.I am so sorry you went through that.
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Default Nov 26, 2019 at 09:36 PM
  #26
@Mendingmysoul it is a bit weird how you are so like me. My mom and stepfather also told everyone I was a bad tempered child. Both my mom and sister were really embarassed about people finding out we had a pedophile in the family so they tried to bully me into giving into him. When my stepfather was fuming over a rejection, he would sometimes blow up and scream at me in front of other people and it made my mom and sister afraid people will get suspicios so they got angrier at me.

The thing that makes me feel bad is that I am not as traumatized as other people with similar childhoods. The sexual abuse was limited to my stepfather masturbating in front of me and other kids, saying innapropriate things, and he groped me maybe 10+ times and tried to make me help him molest boys. I mostly felt disdain because I thought he was embarassing himself in front of my peers. I did get hit for refusing him and eveyone in the family yelled at me a lot. I feel that most of the damage in my life was done by my sister because I put up with a lot more from her. And she was more daring than our stepfather when it came to physical attacks on me. And my horrid mom would threaten to commit suicide if I bothered her about my sister's bullying.

I did wonder of any of the other sexual abuse victims would feel more confident if they learned something like self defense. It's a bit of a cliché. But my parents made me take karate because they wanted to show off to people. It made it impossible for people outside the family to bully me. I still took years af abuse from my sister because I was too stupid to hit her back or go to the police, but the karate lessons are the main reason I'm not afraid of men. A boy got rough with me in college and I just slammed him into the floor. I don't think everyone should grow up mean and angry like me, but it does help to know that you are stronger than predators think you are.

If anyone is interested in learning karate and stuff, I'd recommend looking for a teacher who is actively competing and winning. A lot of schools only have you go through the motions without really teaching you the important stuff like how to punch correctly. And fighting regularly with other students makes you less emotional about being hit.
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Default Nov 27, 2019 at 01:01 PM
  #27
I am so sorry.That is a lot for a child to put up with.Bless your heart.
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Default Nov 28, 2019 at 12:03 PM
  #28
Let it all out !
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