What sexual assault did to me! *trigger warning*

What sexual assault did to me:

I'm not triggered only by certain forms of sexual images, hints, innuendos, phallic symbols, etc., but I'm also triggered in the SAME way and with the SAME intensity of sex-based trauma triggers by anyone who...

Violates my privacy
Physically attacks me
Stalks me
Harasses me
Betrays my trust
Lies to me
Uses me
Defames my character
Spreads rumors about me
Spreads slander about me
Spreads libel about me
Steals from me
Gaslights me
Discriminates against me

In essence, when you do these things to me, a rape-culture survivor, you rape me over and OVER AND OVER AGAIN! You're no worse than the ****ing rapists! --That's how INTENSE a sexual assault survivor experiences continuous traumatic stress, polyvictimization, and/or secondary traumatic stress!

My feelings and intensity of my feelings should not be gaslit to the point that the harms done against me should be dismissed because I'm a rape/sexual assault survivor. Who the **** cares how intense I feel?! What's being done to me is wrong, regardless.

That said, my PTSD is ****ing real, and it affects EVERY ASPECT OF MY LIFE!

That's what the offenders did to me! It is NOT MY FAULT! IT WILL NEVER EVER EVER BE MY FAULT!

I may subdue my emotions to appease others, but bottling it up inside is NOT GOING TO HELP ME TO HEAL; in fact, it HINDERS MY HEALING when this all stays stuffed inside.

DO NOT PATHOLOGIZE MY PTSD any further!

It's NOT COMPLEX; it's a REALITY of sexual victimization.

CHEW IT, UNDERSTAND IT, EAT IT you judging ****ards! STOP VICTIM-BLAMING, VICTIM-SHAMING, and PERPETUATING RAPE CULTURE ALREADY! Stop siding with the sexual offenders; you do that whenever you victim-blame and victim-shame! You commit harms of secondary trauma when you do that!

I am so sorry.

Safe hugs to you (((((Lilly))))) I hear you. I hear you. I am also, so sorry this happened to you.

Thank you, guys.

I'm okay, but I just needed to get this out. Of all the harms done to me, the perpetuation of harm through victim-blaming is the worst! I could move on easier if victim-blaming wasn't an issue.

Yes I understand,it hurts tremendously when abusers acts are trivialized .In my case the predators knew,who the perfect prey is.My abusers created a perfect situation for the predators to prey on me.Things happened in plain veiw.The s.abusers shook hands my dad and got away while my abusive primary caretakers praised those predators.Once I experienced a predator I had to figure out how to escape the second attempt.I will explain one such incident.One of my father's friend would ask my dad to send me to his home for a tool or a novel.My dad would ask me to go fetch it.I am terrified because that man is........POS.I already know he did it to me once.I had only two choices tell my dad why I do not want to go his house or go and somehow protect yourself from happening a second time.I chose the second option.Go figure.Why?

(((safe hugs))) mendingmysoul, I'm so sorry that happened to you!!! Cultural norms that allow for secrecy to remain and victim-shaming to ensue prevent us from telling someone about the abuse, while also enabling the abuse to continue. None of that is your fault! (((safe hugs)))

Those abusers are horrible!

The most traumatic was seeing my parents continuing friendships with them.The predators from my childhood are still friends with them.When I visit my parents I have to sit there listening to how great and nice people those friends are.Hmmmmm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul The most traumatic was seeing my parents continuing friendships with them.The predators from my childhood are still friends with them.When I visit my parents I have to sit there listening to how great and nice people those friends are.Hmmmmm

(((safe hugs))) mendingmysoul.

I'm so sorry.

I understand your reluctance to tell them, and I'm sorry that you have to still see your abusers befriending your parents.

If you don't feel comfortable telling your parents what happened to you, could you instead tell them that you prefer not to visit them if those (abuser) people are around; that you'd prefer to only visit when they are not around? That might help, at least a little.

That's such a hard position to be in. (((safe hugs)))

If I ask something,my parents has a tendency to disregard it,specially my mom.Recently I started to think about her unreasonable abusive behaviour towards me.I am not a psychiatrist but she is narcissistic to extreme with some borderline traits.( credit to my extensive reading about the subject)If I tell I do not want the presence ofPOCs.They will make sure they invite some and even tell that I wanted to meet them.You get the picture. Recently I visited them.And one of the predator came running.This predator was trying to poke me to know how much of the encounter I do remember.I was always able to prevent a second attempt.So this predator has one with me and look at his audacity,he wants to know if I remember .He gave me subtle hints here and there.Like asking me Do you remember when you were Age 3 or 4.You were fond of flowers in my garden.?...........I remember you disgusting POC.Yes,I remember it all started with you asking me if I would like to have some flowers from your garden.But I put a brave front and smiled and told him I don't have a memory from that young age.I can visibly see he was confused and upset.He wanted to retraumatize me and enjoy mind R*p*.He did not get what he wanted this time.I won.

This is how I feel after I survived attempt sexual assault.

(((safe hugs))) Buffy01

I'm so sorry you struggle with that. Attempts are a form of sexual assault because there are levels of sexual harassment and sexual threats being made, which is just as painful.

I'm barely processing my stuff now. Without a therapist, because it's been too hard for me to process these things in therapy. I've tried for 20 years now, and I just don't feel safe in a therapist's office. Not for this. For coping skills, yes, but for trauma processing, no. I have enough coping skills to deal with processing this from home. I don't get the in-person hugs, the witnessing of my tears, or anything like that, but I'm used to hiding anyway, so online works for me - for now, anyway.

I do wish I had a good T though, but I'm not ready to trust that just yet.

I hope you have a good T to process this with.

I'm so sorry you struggled with that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul If I ask something,my parents has a tendency to disregard it,specially my mom.Recently I started to think about her unreasonable abusive behaviour towards me.I am not a psychiatrist but she is narcissistic to extreme with some borderline traits.( credit to my extensive reading about the subject)If I tell I do not want the presence ofPOCs.They will make sure they invite some and even tell that I wanted to meet them.You get the picture. Recently I visited them.And one of the predator came running.This predator was trying to poke me to know how much of the encounter I do remember.I was always able to prevent a second attempt.So this predator has one with me and look at his audacity,he wants to know if I remember .He gave me subtle hints here and there.Like asking me Do you remember when you were Age 3 or 4.You were fond of flowers in my garden.?...........I remember you disgusting POC.Yes,I remember it all started with you asking me if I would like to have some flowers from your garden.But I put a brave front and smiled and told him I don't have a memory from that young age.I can visibly see he was confused and upset.He wanted to retraumatize me and enjoy mind R*p*.He did not get what he wanted this time.I won.

Mendingmysoul,

I'm so sorry you experience this continued traumatic stress. (((safe hugs)))

Have you spoken with a T about this? What has your T said, if you have spoken with your T about this?

Is there a reason why you need to see your family when that person is around? I'm sorry your family minimizes or subdues your pain, and that they continue to treat you that way. That sounds really painful. Is there any chance of setting a boundary and not seeing your parents when the perpetrators are around? You don't need to tell them why, but you could ask and see what they say.

The abusers are vile. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr

((( safe hugs )))

Thank you, Fuzzybear.

You're right. Those abusers are vile.

Thank you, grr bear!

I never told anybody.I just can't. Around age 8 years I tried to tell my friend's mom about a middle aged man( a neighbor).who is making me sit in lap,shown me some pictures( inappropriate) ,said some things(again inappropriate),touched me in places,finally asked politely to remove my clothes. I have grown smart by now.I said ...NO... And ran to my friend's. Her mom said I must be a bad girl and my friend unfriended me.Telling my parents was never an option for me.

Wow. I didn't know that happened to you. With me, it was my mom trying to make me keep her deadbeat husband happy. It's alarming how often parents are involved in this sort of thing. Are you still in contact with your dad?

Yes mrsA I still visit my parents.They feel entitled of my attention.And I can't escape my own guilt of not bending over backwards for them.While my dad is not an abuser.I am angry at him for his pretension of normalcy. Right now there is a swell of mixed emotions in me and sometimes total numbness.I am trying to process it safely.The realization of dysfunction is really overwhelming.

I agree with everything @Mendingmysoul wrote. Don't let the victim shamers shut you up. I always suspect that those who try to silence talk about abuse do so because they are guilty in some way themselves. I kept my family's secrets for decades and when I got tired of hiding the truth and posted something like what you said, I became socially unacceptable among most of my former acquaintances, which is why I come here instead. It's a relief to know others feel the same way. I'm also really touchy about people disrespecting my boundaries. For some reason predatory older men think I look easy to catch and control, but my childhood turned me mean rather than scared so I don't feel that vulnerable. When I had a stalker, I kept a weapon next to my bed and laughed at how he would feel if he tried to climb through my window and got bludgeoned. It always helps to have a plan of action or some pepper spray in case something you worry about should happen.

I'm wondering how you handle your social life? Do you act positive and normal around most people? That's the thing I struggle with. It feels sick to keep up appearanced but letting people see that I'm depressed or angry gets me labeled as negative or toxic. I'd like to know how other people deal with social interactions.

Thanks for sharing. It made me feel better knowing I'm not the only one facing that problem.

MrsA,I am an introvert,but I want to be an extrovert.I was forced to believe that silence is golden and that my opinions do not matter.I never got validated .I am a silent observer.In general my acquaintances have a very bad opinion of me and my capabilities.They have an expectation that I am a failure.When after some time I get something done,which is quite challenging. They get a surprise. I am supposed to be a failure and dumb idiot.Their surprise turns into rage and hate.They couldn't keep me under their thumb.Sometimes silence is really golden,specially with toxic people.But people who really know me,they adore me,they help me when in crisis and ask for help.They know they can depend on me.I suffer intensely,but do not look like I am suffering.I think you got the picture.

Try not to feel guilty about not meeting your parents' expectations. They failed you first. It's awfully nice of you to even talk to them. I locked my stepfather out as soon as I no longer needed a parent or guardian's signature for school. A lot of church people tried to shame me into letting him back into my life but they had no right to do so. My parents were also obsessed with hiding the dysfunction, which is why I developed the compulsion to blab about things they did to spite them. My mom even told me when I was 11 that I would be responsible for putting her in prison if I let people find out what happened at home. You are much nicer than I would ever be so your parents are lucky to have you at all. I hope you will put yourself first and try to have the life you deserve.