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New Member
Member Since Nov 2019
Location: Finland
Posts: 3
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#1
Hi!
I don't know if this will be suitable for this forum ("survivors of abuse") but I'm not sure where else to put it... First of all I'm very sorry for my shattered thoughts, I'm having a panic attack or a PTSD attack (rather both). I have been in the sex trade, "survival sex" or survival prostitution mostly, as in no other options for almost 2 decades (since I was underage). At times I have managed to escape the lifestyle for years, but I kept and keep falling back because that's all I know, I have no other practical options to make ends meet. I have very complex mental health issues since childhood, which is why I keep returning to prostitution instead of being able to find other long term solutions. I understand all of you who want to blame me for this (it's self-caused misery), I'm used to people doing that, but it makes everything more traumatic, so try to be easy with me now, please. This was it in short, it's a lot longer story naturally, but I would like to focus on one thing that these days causes me the worst of the worst of my panic attacks and PTSD. Every night. Or if ever there is a night when I feel peaceful, I'm relieved. It was one returning client I had for a couple of years. He wasn't (seemingly) abusive directly, but he was emotionally draining me for a long time, and I feel like I lost the last piece of my humanity because of him. I thought I could take it all and stay strong. I couldn't. I couldn't at first dump him as a client because of my financial needs (he visited me often, and was a huge income for me). I knew I wanted to dump him at one point, because he was exhausting me, and wanted more than just paid sex. Like he wanted my soul too, he wanted me to love him, it was difficult. He also used to promise me everything, lie to me, manipulate me, go back and forth with his promises. So in a way he was emotionally abusive, and I started to question myself, everything. On top of that, I didn't want to sell sex, so it made it more traumatic, but I had to. One day I decided to end our "relationship", which was an extremely difficult decision for financial reasons. We used to communicate after it, for a couple of years. I never agreed with his lifestyle, I've never understood sex-buying or cheating, lying. I started to tell him the truth about prostitution, more every day. I'm now in tears because I don't even know how to write this. I feel a lot of guilt, I feel like I have to die. He had a wife he was cheating on. I used to tell him he is wrong to do that, I used to say I hate cheating and lying. He was defensive. He "needed" both of us, very entitled. I feel so much guilt, remorse, self-hatred, everything. He was a cheater and a liar. I started to hate him for using my body for money and for demanding more and more. I wish I'd had some basic income, so I could have dumped him right away. I'm sorry. I think that most people don't understand this, but I didn't mean to hurt his wife by allowing him to use my body for money and manipulate me into his life. I feel disgusted by him, and by prostitution in general, because it's all abuse to me. I do not want to sell sex to anyone, and this was an experience that was the most humiliating to me, my prostitution "relationship" with this client, and all that came after as well. Not even the violent clients left me this shattered. This man manipulated and used me even when he didn't have to (he could have just paid for sex like most of the other clients). I'm sorry, I'm not sure you all understand what I mean. I mean: he didn't simply use my body for sex like most of the clients (I feel sick about them too, but manage with it as I must), he also wanted to dive into my soul and lie and manipulate me, get some mutual dependence. He lied to me and to his wife, he lived his life full of lies. I wish his wife would know but she doesn't. We communicated for a long time after the prostitution relationship between us ended. I told him more and more of my real thoughts and my real life. I have nobody in my life, I've even given up my daughter not to ruin her life. We ended our communication at times for a good reasons, and there were months of silence between us again. But still, I'm shattered and living the horrible humiliating memories. Many things he said brought back the awful memories of our past. I was triggered by his words all the time whenever we communicated, whether he meant it or not. He's obsessed still. I lost my humanity, I lost my soul. I feel like he used me worse than anyone else ever. I hate myself and want to die. I have no life, and I've become extremely depressed. That's not all, I'm writing this to clear my mind. I'm feeling a lot of pain, anger, hatred, loss...everything right now. I have tried not to contact him but I couldn't help it now that he contacted me again, and I asked him "WHY" again, which was a mistake. Why, as in why did he want our prostitution relationship to continue when I had told him I hate it. I would have ended it a long before I did, if I didn't need the money he brought. I hate myself, I hate my body, I hate everything, I hate him. I'm traumatized by him, and I can't even explain how. I just made the mistake of sending him the message again, I told he traumatized me more than anyone. He'd been contacting me lately for casual chatter, and I've hardly replied. But now I replied to him with so much anger. I want him to feel my pain. I'm sorry for this outburst, and I'm sorry for his wife, I really want to die of shame and guilt. I have never in my mind accepted cheating and lying, but I've had to practically for money, and I hate myself for it. I'm so sorry. I can't stop crying tonight. Again. I wish I hadn't sent him the message tonight. He had recently contacted me for nothing special, but still triggering my memories. I know I should not give him the power, my anger and bitterness. I don't know if it helps or harms. I'm not really looking for advice but I just want to get this out of my system. I'm so tired of living in my worst memories. Thank you for listening! Love to all |
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*Beth*, Open Eyes, Skeezyks
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#2
Thank you so much for sharing your grief & your sorrow. I'm sorry you are struggling with such shame & guilt & wishing to die. My own situation is entirely different from yours. But in my own way I know a lot about shame, guilt & wishing to die. (I've made a couple of major attempts in the past toward that end. Obviously they did not succeed.) You wrote you're not really looking for advice. And, truthfully, I doubt there is much of any I could offer. I noticed this is still just your second post here on PC though. So I thought I would just say I hope being here can become a source of comfort & support for you. Please take care.
__________________ "I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last) |
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Lady Jo
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Member Since Jul 2017
Location: MO
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#3
Lady Jo, is there a crisis line or an agency or rehabilitation center you can go to? You didn't mention drinking or drugs, but would any of those help? I am so sorry to hear about your background; it seems to me like you did your best with what you had to work with.
Is there anyone or anyplace you can go to for help and support? That is what I would encourage you to do. You sound frighteningly depressed to me which is understandable, considering what you have been through. __________________ "Love you. Take care of you. Be true to you. You are the only you, you will ever know the best. Reach for YOUR stars. You can reach them better than anyone else ever can." Landon Clary Eason Grateful Sobriety Fangirl Since 11-16-2007 Happy Sober Crafter |
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Lady Jo
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New Member
Member Since Nov 2019
Location: Finland
Posts: 3
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#4
Thank you both for listening and caring!
I have tried some exit strategies (from prostitution and porn) over the years, and I managed best when I had some close people in my life supporting me (family, friends, a spouse, etc.), but when I lost them/their support I no longer managed. I seem to fall back all the time. Unfortunately there are no exit resources (for prostitutes) in my country, other than one centre (Pro-Centre) in the Southern area, but I live far from the Southern area. I have been to a mental hospital 3 times, but they are unable to help in the long run, the public health care seems to lack a lot humanity, resources. A year ago I finally went to a private doctor and got a few months of disability. I had saved up for it (to get better health care for paying more). Last time I contacted the Pro-Centre (they have been the most helpful, I appreciate them anyway) was 4,5 yrs ago when my daughter had just been born and I had given her up. At that time I contacted for help, because after giving birth it was hard for me to work in prostitution physically and mentally, so I asked them if they could help me to take a break, practically, step by step. But they couldn't help with (possible) welfare applications etc. that I don't understand at all - because I was unable to travel to them and it was impossible for them to help from distance with this. (I lack a lot of life skills such as writing applications of any kind, I feel like the biggest idiot on earth.) I wish the Pro-Centre was in my city or close to it, because they would help a lot, practically. I also contact other survivor support organizations abroad (in Europe or in the USA). Mostly for spiritual help. I wish that my liberal country would someday see prostitution as a problem rather than a free choice. I appreciate your replies!! I feel like at this point of my life I'm still too tired to do anything other than to breathe and to write my thoughts. Anything other feels like too much of a battle still. Writing helps thought! Much Love! x |
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happysobercrafter
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happysobercrafter
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#5
Yes, it is overwhelming right now, so don't try to solve it all at once. One day at a time. One step at a time. You have been through a lot. But you can get through this. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Sending you support and best wishes--
__________________ When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them--Rodney Dangerfield |
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happysobercrafter, Lady Jo
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happysobercrafter
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#6
@Lady Jo
Yes, I agree with @bpcyclist And writing helps! I blog about mental health and personal growth; my journaling and writing saved my life more than once. I support your efforts and I hear you. We have a lot of mental health option here, but we need so much more. There are many problems that are not addressed. At least, there are online forums and while it can take a while to connect with others who support us, it is better than nothing at all, I think. __________________ "Love you. Take care of you. Be true to you. You are the only you, you will ever know the best. Reach for YOUR stars. You can reach them better than anyone else ever can." Landon Clary Eason Grateful Sobriety Fangirl Since 11-16-2007 Happy Sober Crafter |
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bpcyclist, Lady Jo
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Location: Planet Earth
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#7
Hey Lady Jo,
I'm so sorry for what you've been through. That's a lot of complex emotions you are dealing with. I hope with a little time and patience, you are able to make peace with your mind and body. Don't let a few chapters of your life be the book of your life. I know you're not looking for advice, but I really want to say, I hope you get to read the book "Body Keeps Score" by Bessel van der Kolk. Feel free to rant...let it out of your system. We're here to listen. |
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Lady Jo
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*Beth*
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