Am I in a abusive relationship?

I have a complex PSTD and a long history of all sorts of abuse from various people. I tried getting help from psychotherapy for years and it didn't work. Sometimes I feel better, and then I feel down again and so it goes.

My question is. I am in a long term relationship that has been on and off for so many years. He helps me a lot since I can not work and he is my only friend since I have social anxiety. I have no family what sort ever. I am isolated in a bad situation inside and out.

I would love to live with him, but he doesn't want to. It makes me sad. I mention it to him about once a year to see where we stand. He then just walks away from me and I beg him to stay since I am co-dependent. He blames me for hoping we would become serious when he told me where he stands years ago. But every time after such fight he stays with me.

I told him if he wants to breakup he needs to do a clean break and leave me alone completely. But he says he doesn't want to lose me as a friend and comes to my house even if we are only friends and he wants to have sex and acts like we're together. He says he cares and wants to help.

I am in love with him and I am not strong enough. I can not even see what is happening. Is this abuse? Or is he just scared with avoidant attachment style?

Dear ohno22,

It doesn't matter whether he is abusive or scared....please don't focus on him, focus on what you want from life and this relationship. I think it is a cruel thing to do to not commit and yet not break up. It's like a carrot and stick approach. It's not healthy. If a person loves someone, they'd want to be with them and do things that makes them happy. If he was a healthy friend, he would respect your wishes. Since he is not ready to take the relationship to the next level and commit, maybe you should dial back a little and let your relationship be of friendship only. Status quo may not be healthy.


Please focus on yourself, to become a healthy, functional individual. Could you tell us more....why are you isolated? Why can't you work?

That's a booty call. And he will keep coming around for so long as you put out. He won't end it, unless he finds someone else or you end it.


You deserve better than that, don't you think so?

Hey @ohno22:

Quote:

Originally Posted by ohno22 My question is. I am in a long term relationship that has been on and off for so many years. He helps me a lot since I can not work and he is my only friend since I have social anxiety. I have no family what sort ever. I am isolated in a bad situation inside and out.

Relying on one person for everything is not healthy especially when it is not mutual.

Quote:

I would love to live with him, but he doesn't want to. It makes me sad. I mention it to him about once a year to see where we stand. He then just walks away from me and I beg him to stay since I am co-dependent. He blames me for hoping we would become serious when he told me where he stands years ago. But every time after such fight he stays with me.

I am not sure why you stay. He sounds like he is making his position clear.

Quote:

I told him if he wants to breakup he needs to do a clean break and leave me alone completely. But he says he doesn't want to lose me as a friend and comes to my house even if we are only friends and he wants to have sex and acts like we're together. He says he cares and wants to help.

You need to do the breaking up. Why should he? He is getting what he wants. He gets sex from you.

Quote:

I am in love with him and I am not strong enough. I can not even see what is happening. Is this abuse? Or is he just scared with avoidant attachment style?

You have to be strong enough. Pain motivates change. When the pain is great enough then you will take action.

It is simple, you love him, and he doesn't love you.....love isn't abuse; hopefully you will find the strength to get away from him. xo

I think that you deserve much much better than this person.