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usedxabused
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Member Since: Dec 2019
Location: Texas
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Trig Dec 04, 2019 at 04:03 PM
  #1
“There are things that can bond stronger than love, and that’s trauma… her exit was just one more way he was walked on.” – Lundy Bancroft

My black eye, which caused obvious humiliation to where I was gonna check into Family Abuse Center

The time you choked me until I vomited

The time you keyed my car

The time you ran your car into my bumper

The time you had me in the choke hold

The time you beat me with your high heel

The busted lips

The slaps to the face

The time you further destroyed my car

The times you humiliated me at work

The time you slapped me in public on La Salle in front of the liquor store

The time you were fighting for my wallet in the Grove Computer Lab

The times you choked me until your nails cut into my neck

The time you bit me until I bled

The time you bust my nose and I bled on your bed

The times you straight up punched me in the jaw

The time you spit on me and called me a *****

The time you put the knife to my neck and cut me on my chest

The times you’d choke me and all I would repeat is “I love you , I love you , I love you”

The times you said you’d kill me

The times you put the pillow over my face and smothered me

The times I let you in my apartment only to get my **** destroyed

The times you kicked me and kicked me

The times you punched me and punched me

The many times I flinched at your moves

The times I beat myself up for not being able to provide for you , like when I pawned my Xbox

The times I was HUMILIATED by my own family for remaining in the relationship

The times my coworkers said you control me

The time you had me bawling just to take you on a Six Flags date

The times you would clearly stare at dudes at Six Flags and I said nothing

The time you forgot my birthday and assumed another man gave you flowers and cards

The time you humiliated me in front of your neighbors and Destinee. Then said I was lying. Yeah that time you had sex with two guys in one day BEFORE my birthday that you forgot about

The time you had me walk to work from Our Breakfast Place

The time when I HAD to buy a car cuz I couldn’t rely on you….yet I was taking you to Smoothie King and Fuego every day.

The time I made sure you got to your grandma for the cruise…AND paid for your dolphin pics.

The times we would be broken up and you came to me for car repairs..

The times we would be broken up and I’d ALWAYS take you back

Possible trigger:


The times you refused to cut people off

The time we went to Scruffy’s and you was ALL up my my homie’s

face…..BEFORE you told me the dude I just dapped was the dude you ****ed near my bday..

The time when you felt it was right to go out with your racist Law school friend, when you KNEW I was at home hurting..

Possible trigger:


The time you couldn’t say you loved me in front of the ppl you THOUGHT was your friend.

I think that’s enough for you to remember or realize how you made me feel at times. Unwanted, garbage. But I stayed because of the high moments and my intense love for you. Why else would I endure all that abuse? Your beautiful voice, your childish demeanor, your style in clothes, the way you love cartoons, the way you love animals, your beautiful eyes and smile, the connections we had to where we could almost read eachother mind’s, the few times I felt you loved and cared for me, your ambition , the giddiness you’d get when discussing our business plans, the new things in life you introduced me to… I can go on and on about our good times. And all the times I DID NOT press charges for your abuse… How could I ? I deserved the abuse right? It was all my fault. It was what I assumed is normal. It’s what I said I had to endure to marry you. I thought it was just a phase. I thought things would be normal again when I moved in . I am truly sorry that I let myself go and started to verbally abuse you and make things worse. I truly am . You KNOW I wasn’t like that at all. I hate that I couldn’t be the one to lead us both to change our paths and get help. I hate that I didn’t turn out to be the one for you, like I said I was. I went from “the best thing that ever happened to me” to “I wish I never met you” , after allllll that abuse. I would never say that to you . Not even now when I realize that situation I was in . I guess this was just a way to get you to face your demons….. but we all know that’s not what you do . You wont accept responsibility like I’ve done. I KNOW where I went wrong, but do you know where you went wrong? Do you even care? Smh you are the strongest drug I’ve ever had, and it will be hell to rid you from my brain . Just please do me a favor and get help…. That’s IF you even want it. Though you may have skipped the grieving process , thus your super quick rebound, I hope and pray you come to the point to face what you did to me. Embrace it, accept it, and learn from it. All in all, Im not even mad… cuz this whole relationship SHOWED how much I cared and was willing to endure to get you that house bigger than your Nana’s and uncles… To get us married.. Guess it wasn’t enough though .. Again , sorry for everything and being the victim. Sorry I loved you so much. So much that you REFUSE to acknowledge what I did for you and went through.

Farewell and well wishes

Last edited by bluekoi; Dec 05, 2019 at 12:31 PM.. Reason: Add triggger icon. Apply trigger codes.
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Default Dec 05, 2019 at 02:18 PM
  #2
I’m sorry you have went through this 😞I was in a abusive relationship as well. I’m glad your not in it anymore! I’ve learned writing letters helps get the pain out even though it can’t change the past.
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Default Dec 05, 2019 at 02:55 PM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by usedxabused View Post
“There are things that can bond stronger than love, and that’s trauma… her exit was just one more way he was walked on.” – Lundy Bancroft

My black eye, which caused obvious humiliation to where I was gonna check into Family Abuse Center

The time you choked me until I vomited

The time you keyed my car

The time you ran your car into my bumper

The time you had me in the choke hold

The time you beat me with your high heel

The busted lips

The slaps to the face

The time you further destroyed my car

The times you humiliated me at work

The time you slapped me in public on La Salle in front of the liquor store

The time you were fighting for my wallet in the Grove Computer Lab

The times you choked me until your nails cut into my neck

The time you bit me until I bled

The time you bust my nose and I bled on your bed

The times you straight up punched me in the jaw

The time you spit on me and called me a *****

The time you put the knife to my neck and cut me on my chest

The times you’d choke me and all I would repeat is “I love you , I love you , I love you”

The times you said you’d kill me

The times you put the pillow over my face and smothered me

The times I let you in my apartment only to get my **** destroyed

The times you kicked me and kicked me

The times you punched me and punched me

The many times I flinched at your moves

The times I beat myself up for not being able to provide for you , like when I pawned my Xbox

The times I was HUMILIATED by my own family for remaining in the relationship

The times my coworkers said you control me

The time you had me bawling just to take you on a Six Flags date

The times you would clearly stare at dudes at Six Flags and I said nothing

The time you forgot my birthday and assumed another man gave you flowers and cards

The time you humiliated me in front of your neighbors and Destinee. Then said I was lying. Yeah that time you had sex with two guys in one day BEFORE my birthday that you forgot about

The time you had me walk to work from Our Breakfast Place

The time when I HAD to buy a car cuz I couldn’t rely on you….yet I was taking you to Smoothie King and Fuego every day.

The time I made sure you got to your grandma for the cruise…AND paid for your dolphin pics.

The times we would be broken up and you came to me for car repairs..

The times we would be broken up and I’d ALWAYS take you back

Possible trigger:


The times you refused to cut people off

The time we went to Scruffy’s and you was ALL up my my homie’s

face…..BEFORE you told me the dude I just dapped was the dude you ****ed near my bday..

The time when you felt it was right to go out with your racist Law school friend, when you KNEW I was at home hurting..

Possible trigger:


The time you couldn’t say you loved me in front of the ppl you THOUGHT was your friend.

I think that’s enough for you to remember or realize how you made me feel at times. Unwanted, garbage. But I stayed because of the high moments and my intense love for you. Why else would I endure all that abuse? Your beautiful voice, your childish demeanor, your style in clothes, the way you love cartoons, the way you love animals, your beautiful eyes and smile, the connections we had to where we could almost read eachother mind’s, the few times I felt you loved and cared for me, your ambition , the giddiness you’d get when discussing our business plans, the new things in life you introduced me to… I can go on and on about our good times. And all the times I DID NOT press charges for your abuse… How could I ? I deserved the abuse right? It was all my fault. It was what I assumed is normal. It’s what I said I had to endure to marry you. I thought it was just a phase. I thought things would be normal again when I moved in . I am truly sorry that I let myself go and started to verbally abuse you and make things worse. I truly am . You KNOW I wasn’t like that at all. I hate that I couldn’t be the one to lead us both to change our paths and get help. I hate that I didn’t turn out to be the one for you, like I said I was. I went from “the best thing that ever happened to me” to “I wish I never met you” , after allllll that abuse. I would never say that to you . Not even now when I realize that situation I was in . I guess this was just a way to get you to face your demons….. but we all know that’s not what you do . You wont accept responsibility like I’ve done. I KNOW where I went wrong, but do you know where you went wrong? Do you even care? Smh you are the strongest drug I’ve ever had, and it will be hell to rid you from my brain . Just please do me a favor and get help…. That’s IF you even want it. Though you may have skipped the grieving process , thus your super quick rebound, I hope and pray you come to the point to face what you did to me. Embrace it, accept it, and learn from it. All in all, Im not even mad… cuz this whole relationship SHOWED how much I cared and was willing to endure to get you that house bigger than your Nana’s and uncles… To get us married.. Guess it wasn’t enough though .. Again , sorry for everything and being the victim. Sorry I loved you so much. So much that you REFUSE to acknowledge what I did for you and went through.

Farewell and well wishes
I'm sorry you had to endure all of this. I wouldnt wish this feeling on anybody.
I'm thinking I will write an unsent letter to my ex... maybe it will help with the constant rumination of the events that happened.
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Default Dec 07, 2019 at 05:15 PM
  #4
A person who can do all that you wrote is a waste of time sending that letter to because that person is too selfish to care about doing all that to you in the first place.

The person who needs that letter is you, you need to recognize how you kept going back for more abuse. Why?

Why would you keep handing yourself to a person that simply has no ability to ever respect you? Or anyone for that matter?
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Thanks for this!
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Default Dec 07, 2019 at 08:35 PM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by usedxabused View Post
“There are things that can bond stronger than love, and that’s trauma… her exit was just one more way he was walked on.” – Lundy Bancroft

My black eye, which caused obvious humiliation to where I was gonna check into Family Abuse Center

The time you choked me until I vomited

The time you keyed my car

The time you ran your car into my bumper

The time you had me in the choke hold

The time you beat me with your high heel

The busted lips

The slaps to the face

The time you further destroyed my car

The times you humiliated me at work

The time you slapped me in public on La Salle in front of the liquor store

The time you were fighting for my wallet in the Grove Computer Lab

The times you choked me until your nails cut into my neck

The time you bit me until I bled

The time you bust my nose and I bled on your bed

The times you straight up punched me in the jaw

The time you spit on me and called me a *****

The time you put the knife to my neck and cut me on my chest

The times you’d choke me and all I would repeat is “I love you , I love you , I love you”

The times you said you’d kill me

The times you put the pillow over my face and smothered me

The times I let you in my apartment only to get my **** destroyed

The times you kicked me and kicked me

The times you punched me and punched me

The many times I flinched at your moves

The times I beat myself up for not being able to provide for you , like when I pawned my Xbox

The times I was HUMILIATED by my own family for remaining in the relationship

The times my coworkers said you control me

The time you had me bawling just to take you on a Six Flags date

The times you would clearly stare at dudes at Six Flags and I said nothing

The time you forgot my birthday and assumed another man gave you flowers and cards

The time you humiliated me in front of your neighbors and Destinee. Then said I was lying. Yeah that time you had sex with two guys in one day BEFORE my birthday that you forgot about

The time you had me walk to work from Our Breakfast Place

The time when I HAD to buy a car cuz I couldn’t rely on you….yet I was taking you to Smoothie King and Fuego every day.

The time I made sure you got to your grandma for the cruise…AND paid for your dolphin pics.

The times we would be broken up and you came to me for car repairs..

The times we would be broken up and I’d ALWAYS take you back

Possible trigger:


The times you refused to cut people off

The time we went to Scruffy’s and you was ALL up my my homie’s

face…..BEFORE you told me the dude I just dapped was the dude you ****ed near my bday..

The time when you felt it was right to go out with your racist Law school friend, when you KNEW I was at home hurting..

Possible trigger:


The time you couldn’t say you loved me in front of the ppl you THOUGHT was your friend.

I think that’s enough for you to remember or realize how you made me feel at times. Unwanted, garbage. But I stayed because of the high moments and my intense love for you. Why else would I endure all that abuse? Your beautiful voice, your childish demeanor, your style in clothes, the way you love cartoons, the way you love animals, your beautiful eyes and smile, the connections we had to where we could almost read eachother mind’s, the few times I felt you loved and cared for me, your ambition , the giddiness you’d get when discussing our business plans, the new things in life you introduced me to… I can go on and on about our good times. And all the times I DID NOT press charges for your abuse… How could I ? I deserved the abuse right? It was all my fault. It was what I assumed is normal. It’s what I said I had to endure to marry you. I thought it was just a phase. I thought things would be normal again when I moved in . I am truly sorry that I let myself go and started to verbally abuse you and make things worse. I truly am . You KNOW I wasn’t like that at all. I hate that I couldn’t be the one to lead us both to change our paths and get help. I hate that I didn’t turn out to be the one for you, like I said I was. I went from “the best thing that ever happened to me” to “I wish I never met you” , after allllll that abuse. I would never say that to you . Not even now when I realize that situation I was in . I guess this was just a way to get you to face your demons….. but we all know that’s not what you do . You wont accept responsibility like I’ve done. I KNOW where I went wrong, but do you know where you went wrong? Do you even care? Smh you are the strongest drug I’ve ever had, and it will be hell to rid you from my brain . Just please do me a favor and get help…. That’s IF you even want it. Though you may have skipped the grieving process , thus your super quick rebound, I hope and pray you come to the point to face what you did to me. Embrace it, accept it, and learn from it. All in all, Im not even mad… cuz this whole relationship SHOWED how much I cared and was willing to endure to get you that house bigger than your Nana’s and uncles… To get us married.. Guess it wasn’t enough though .. Again , sorry for everything and being the victim. Sorry I loved you so much. So much that you REFUSE to acknowledge what I did for you and went through.

Farewell and well wishes
@usedxabused

I see this is your first post here. You are in the right place. Many of us have been through dreadful abuse, myself included. If anyone criticizes you, ignore them. There are lots of decent, loving people here and there are some that don't seem to know how to talk to someone who is hurting.

Are you in therapy or see anyone who can help you through this?

__________________


"Love you.
Take care of you.

Be true to you.

You are the only you,
you will ever know the best.


Reach for YOUR stars.


You can reach them better
than anyone else ever can."


Landon Clary Eason
Grateful Sobriety Fangirl Since 11-16-2007

Happy Sober Crafter
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usedxabused
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Default Dec 07, 2019 at 09:30 PM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
A person who can do all that you wrote is a waste of time sending that letter to because that person is too selfish to care about doing all that to you in the first place.

The person who needs that letter is you, you need to recognize how you kept going back for more abuse. Why?

Why would you keep handing yourself to a person that simply has no ability to ever respect you? Or anyone for that matter?
You have a point. I didn't know my first love would be a narcissist abuser. I really never thought it would happen. I thought it was "normal" . I was blinded by my love for her. And dealing with self worth issues I guess... That's the only reasons I could think of.
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Default Dec 07, 2019 at 09:33 PM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyCrafter View Post
@usedxabused

I see this is your first post here. You are in the right place. Many of us have been through dreadful abuse, myself included. If anyone criticizes you, ignore them. There are lots of decent, loving people here and there are some that don't seem to know how to talk to someone who is hurting.

Are you in therapy or see anyone who can help you through this?
Thanks for the kind words and the acceptance. This is my first relationship , so I'm still a little spun up right now.

I've been to one counseling session . I told about my relationship from start to finish . That's when the counselor told me about narcissists and how I was a victim of abuse. I didn't even think of it as abuse until then... I just thought I had a crazy gf. When I'm late to work and my coworkers are like "Hey Mike! You're alive!!" ... yeah there's abuse going on . I just refused to acknowledge it . Definitely a lesson learned.... just very very painful one .
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Default Dec 08, 2019 at 12:27 PM
  #8
Quote:
Originally Posted by usedxabused View Post
“There are things that can bond stronger than love, and that’s trauma… her exit was just one more way he was walked on.” – Lundy Bancroft

My black eye, which caused obvious humiliation to where I was gonna check into Family Abuse Center

The time you choked me until I vomited

The time you keyed my car

The time you ran your car into my bumper

The time you had me in the choke hold

The time you beat me with your high heel

The busted lips

The slaps to the face

The time you further destroyed my car

The times you humiliated me at work

The time you slapped me in public on La Salle in front of the liquor store

The time you were fighting for my wallet in the Grove Computer Lab

The times you choked me until your nails cut into my neck

The time you bit me until I bled

The time you bust my nose and I bled on your bed

The times you straight up punched me in the jaw

The time you spit on me and called me a *****

The time you put the knife to my neck and cut me on my chest

The times you’d choke me and all I would repeat is “I love you , I love you , I love you”

The times you said you’d kill me

The times you put the pillow over my face and smothered me

The times I let you in my apartment only to get my **** destroyed

The times you kicked me and kicked me

The times you punched me and punched me

The many times I flinched at your moves

The times I beat myself up for not being able to provide for you , like when I pawned my Xbox

The times I was HUMILIATED by my own family for remaining in the relationship

The times my coworkers said you control me

The time you had me bawling just to take you on a Six Flags date

The times you would clearly stare at dudes at Six Flags and I said nothing

The time you forgot my birthday and assumed another man gave you flowers and cards

The time you humiliated me in front of your neighbors and Destinee. Then said I was lying. Yeah that time you had sex with two guys in one day BEFORE my birthday that you forgot about

The time you had me walk to work from Our Breakfast Place

The time when I HAD to buy a car cuz I couldn’t rely on you….yet I was taking you to Smoothie King and Fuego every day.

The time I made sure you got to your grandma for the cruise…AND paid for your dolphin pics.

The times we would be broken up and you came to me for car repairs..

The times we would be broken up and I’d ALWAYS take you back

Possible trigger:


The times you refused to cut people off

The time we went to Scruffy’s and you was ALL up my my homie’s

face…..BEFORE you told me the dude I just dapped was the dude you ****ed near my bday..

The time when you felt it was right to go out with your racist Law school friend, when you KNEW I was at home hurting..

Possible trigger:


The time you couldn’t say you loved me in front of the ppl you THOUGHT was your friend.

I think that’s enough for you to remember or realize how you made me feel at times. Unwanted, garbage. But I stayed because of the high moments and my intense love for you. Why else would I endure all that abuse? Your beautiful voice, your childish demeanor, your style in clothes, the way you love cartoons, the way you love animals, your beautiful eyes and smile, the connections we had to where we could almost read eachother mind’s, the few times I felt you loved and cared for me, your ambition , the giddiness you’d get when discussing our business plans, the new things in life you introduced me to… I can go on and on about our good times. And all the times I DID NOT press charges for your abuse… How could I ? I deserved the abuse right? It was all my fault. It was what I assumed is normal. It’s what I said I had to endure to marry you. I thought it was just a phase. I thought things would be normal again when I moved in . I am truly sorry that I let myself go and started to verbally abuse you and make things worse. I truly am . You KNOW I wasn’t like that at all. I hate that I couldn’t be the one to lead us both to change our paths and get help. I hate that I didn’t turn out to be the one for you, like I said I was. I went from “the best thing that ever happened to me” to “I wish I never met you” , after allllll that abuse. I would never say that to you . Not even now when I realize that situation I was in . I guess this was just a way to get you to face your demons….. but we all know that’s not what you do . You wont accept responsibility like I’ve done. I KNOW where I went wrong, but do you know where you went wrong? Do you even care? Smh you are the strongest drug I’ve ever had, and it will be hell to rid you from my brain . Just please do me a favor and get help…. That’s IF you even want it. Though you may have skipped the grieving process , thus your super quick rebound, I hope and pray you come to the point to face what you did to me. Embrace it, accept it, and learn from it. All in all, Im not even mad… cuz this whole relationship SHOWED how much I cared and was willing to endure to get you that house bigger than your Nana’s and uncles… To get us married.. Guess it wasn’t enough though .. Again , sorry for everything and being the victim. Sorry I loved you so much. So much that you REFUSE to acknowledge what I did for you and went through.

Farewell and well wishes
I'm sorry that you had to go through that. My brother went through that with their exes.
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Default Dec 08, 2019 at 01:19 PM
  #9
Quote:
Originally Posted by usedxabused View Post
Thanks for the kind words and the acceptance. This is my first relationship , so I'm still a little spun up right now.

I've been to one counseling session . I told about my relationship from start to finish . That's when the counselor told me about narcissists and how I was a victim of abuse. I didn't even think of it as abuse until then... I just thought I had a crazy gf. When I'm late to work and my coworkers are like "Hey Mike! You're alive!!" ... yeah there's abuse going on . I just refused to acknowledge it . Definitely a lesson learned.... just very very painful one .
@usedxabused

Are you going back to therapy? Therapy with a good therapist can benefit you in ways you can't dream of yet.

__________________


"Love you.
Take care of you.

Be true to you.

You are the only you,
you will ever know the best.


Reach for YOUR stars.


You can reach them better
than anyone else ever can."


Landon Clary Eason
Grateful Sobriety Fangirl Since 11-16-2007

Happy Sober Crafter
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Thanks for this!
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Default Dec 08, 2019 at 10:32 PM
  #10
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyCrafter View Post
@usedxabused

Are you going back to therapy? Therapy with a good therapist can benefit you in ways you can't dream of yet.
I definitely plan to! That is how i learned about the narcissist abuser and the Idealization , Devaluation, Discarding process. I just have to fit it in after work or so. I agree because just one session helped that much . When I was a teen, I was in a group home so I had a Psychologist Intern or counselor on standby . Im very used to and receptive of therapy
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Default Dec 08, 2019 at 10:36 PM
  #11
Quote:
Originally Posted by Buffy01 View Post
I'm sorry that you had to go through that. My brother went through that with their exes.
And I'm sorry to hear that as well. This was my very first experience with "love". Better sooner than later , I guess. God must have wanted me to go through this. Most stressful and hurtful 3 years of my entire life! And as a teen , I was in group homes and juvenile prison . Much easier experience than that relationship. I was basically her slave
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Default Dec 09, 2019 at 01:04 AM
  #12
I’m sorry you went through all that narcissistic abuse is so brutal. I’m still trying to heal from my relationship s with two different ones. I didn’t even know what a narcissist was until way later after my relationship because I needed Answers. But I had a lot of anger and hurt from those relationships. I still have a lot of anger towards one of them and I can’t escape him because he is the father of my son.
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Default Dec 09, 2019 at 09:04 AM
  #13
I’m glad you are alive. She did you a favor in letting you go. Do not ever go back to her! I’m glad you know to put the word “love” in quotes, because we all know the relationship was not love at all, it was abuse. You fell into it because you survived prior trauma. Therapy should help you through this and learning what healthy looks like.

I have only emotional abuse, never physical. It’s really the same thing, only more insidious.

Welcome to PC! I suggest you read the scholarly articles about toxic people and relationships.

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Default Dec 09, 2019 at 04:25 PM
  #14
Quote:
Originally Posted by usedxabused View Post
You have a point. I didn't know my first love would be a narcissist abuser. I really never thought it would happen. I thought it was "normal" . I was blinded by my love for her. And dealing with self worth issues I guess... That's the only reasons I could think of.
I am sorry you experienced that kind of relationship as your first relationship. You had to learn some important things in such a hard way. And in all honesty, a lot of people don't expect to experience an abusive relationship, especially individuals who are still inexperienced and naive. Also, abusers actually look for individuals that are innocent and niave and they pretend they are nice when they are not and all they are interested in is control and power over and whatever they can get from the other individual. They can tell when someone has low self esteem or lacks confidence and skills, it is what they hone in on because they are abusers/predators.

I am sorry you experienced all that, learn from it and look for someone who can be nice and respect you as a person.
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Default Dec 12, 2019 at 01:18 AM
  #15
Thank you for your post! I can relate to it. I have been in many abusive relationships. Writing a letter is very therapeutic and I have written a letter similar to yours to my sister. The things she did to me were similar to what my sister did to me, line by line. She also did many things to me that I hope your Ex didn’t do it to you, I haven’t mailed the letter to her as that would make her feel good about herself for being able to control me that much. I suspect your narcissistic X would feel the same. Wish you the best with healing.
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Default Dec 04, 2020 at 02:24 PM
  #16
Wow! I can barely believe I made this post last year. I was clearly down and distraught. Well I am here today to thank all of you wonderful people for helping me get through that tough time. 2020 has been a crazy year. Throughout all the mayhem ,I am able to say that I am the HAPPIEST I've ever been in my entire life! I have healed and I am continuing to grow into a great person. I have NOT seen or spoken to my ex since that letter and I wish to never see her again. Little did I know, that ordeal was the catalyst to my new life. I kinda look back and laugh at how naive I was. I've met PLENTY of young women that shows me that I was dealing with a real psycopath. I am on to much better things in life.

THANK YOU ALL!!!
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