advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
peezytang
New Member
 
peezytang's Avatar
peezytang has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 5
3 yr Member
5 hugs
given
Trig Dec 06, 2019 at 02:43 AM
  #1
So I want to say firstly, that I'm 21 years old, I live alone with my 74-year-old grandmother on my father's side (his mother). My father lives in the same town/area I live in with his ex-mistress/now wife. I have him blocked on every possible thing, including email, except he creates a new email every time I block and continues emailing.
ANYWAY. I'll try to make this as short as possible, but I thank any of you who read it all.

I grew up in a household with two brothers, one three years younger and one eight years older, and then my mom and sperm donor of a father.
My father was a police officer for about a decade, so he (thinks he) knows the way to worm his way around the law.
We lived in a three-bedroom house. My younger brother slept with my mom in her king-sized bed, my older brother Josh had his own small bedroom, and I slept in a twin bedroom in mine and Matthew's room, with my father...
Keep in mind, the sleeping arrangements lasted until I was almost thirteen years old.
Possible trigger:
So you can imagine how hard it was to hear my own father say something so evil.
I love my father. I have no hate for him, but I have hate for what he has done to me and said to me. I have very strong spiritual faith and I know that unforgiveness isn't the way to healing. Healing is! Becoming something better than my tormenter could ever be is the best revenge of all. And one day, the panic attacks, self-harm, and numerous meds with be gone. But for now, I need a 3rd party opinion. I have no friends, my fiancee lives across the country, and I have no family other than my grandmother...
Please help me process and think more clearly about all of this. Thank you so much if you read this far, and I'll respond and any replies!
Love and Bless you all

Last edited by bluekoi; Dec 08, 2019 at 07:29 PM.. Reason: Remove personal identifying information.
peezytang is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
*Beth*, Bill3, Buffy01, cluelessgal, Open Eyes
 
Thanks for this!
*Beth*, Bill3, Buffy01

advertisement
Amyjay
Magnate
Amyjay has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2017
Location: Underground
Posts: 2,439
5 yr Member
692 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 07, 2019 at 03:27 AM
  #2
So, do you still need to be around them? Or can you leave now? Because if you can do that... then do that.
He has always been who he has always been, and he always will be. He never loved anyone more than himself. He will never be a good thing for you.
You've done your time. You can walk free whenever you have the resources to do so. As soon as you realise something is from him, delete it. I know it's hard, family is family. But sometimes family is really damaging, and when its like that its okay to walk away. You are 21. You can make a new life for yourself now.
Amyjay is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
peezytang
 
Thanks for this!
peezytang
Open Eyes
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Open Eyes's Avatar
Open Eyes Not a Unicorn, just another horse
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,093 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
21.3k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 07, 2019 at 02:48 PM
  #3
Your father is an abusive selfish human being who has repeatedly shown he doesn't know how to respect anyone. He did not respect your mother, you, or the staff at the hospital or any of his children. Your father has chosen to invade others and felt entitled to do so as long as he was paying the bills and the rest of you were dependents.

It's very important that you learn how to be independent peezytang. You are 21 and I hope you finished high school and are thinking about furthering your education so you can earn enough to live on your own before you end up in a situation where you are dependent on yet someone else. You don't have to go to a four year college either, you can go to a trade school of some kind to learn some kind of job function where you can do something that pays more than minimum wage. Often a person can go to school to learn how to do something in the health care field where they can actually make decent money and get decent benefits too.

When someone grows up in an environment where others disrespect them like you have described, that person can develop low self worth and be very prone to getting into other relationships where they are treated in similar ways. It's very important to NOT get into any long term relationship until you FIRST find your own sense of self worth. Healing is more than just not choosing to be like your abuser, it's also making sure you don't end up being dependent on yet another abuser type individual simply because that's the kind of environment you are used to living in. Your mother lacked in getting her needs met, this contributed to her inability to showing you love and being able to nurture you as well as having to live with an abuser like your father who never cared about her or respected her and ended up abandoning her. He will continue to do this to others, even the woman he is with now. You don't have to love your father, or respect him at all either, he never respected you or anyone else for that matter. Reading that you think you need to love him to be good or better than him tells me you don't understand what love really means and it's not surprising in that you did not get loved yourself. Just because another person treats you like garbage doesn't mean you ARE garbage.
Open Eyes is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
peezytang
 
Thanks for this!
*Beth*, cluelessgal, peezytang
*Beth*
catches the flowers
*Beth* is practicing healthy breathing for brain, mind, body, spirit.
 
Member Since: Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
Posts: 15,701 (SuperPoster!)
3 yr Member
23.7k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 07, 2019 at 09:59 PM
  #4
^^^^^ I entirely agree with Open Eyes. I really hope to see you around on the forum.

__________________




*Beth* is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
peezytang
 
Thanks for this!
peezytang
Bill3
Legendary
Bill3 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,923
15 yr Member
24.1k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 08, 2019 at 12:28 AM
  #5
Yes he was abusive. He still is.



I also agree with Open Eyes.

Have you had/could you have therapy or someone to talk to regularly?

My heart goes out to you for all that you have been through.

I hope that you will continue to post here. There are many compassionate and helpful people here.
Bill3 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
peezytang
 
Thanks for this!
peezytang
cluelessgal
Member
 
cluelessgal's Avatar
cluelessgal has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2012
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 159
10 yr Member
83 hugs
given
Default Dec 15, 2019 at 02:07 AM
  #6
Hi Peezytang,


Welcome to Psychcentral Forums. You'll find a lot of support here.

To answer your question, yes, your father was and is abusive....but you probably know that already. I'm so sorry for what you've been through. At 21, you have gained a great amount of maturity....but that's probably the part and parcel of growing up in a dysfunctional abusive family....you have know choice but to grow up fast. I hope you already are in or can enter therapy. It will help you heal. A sick mind cannot cure a sick mind. I found writing a journal very healing. There are tons of self-help books as well which can help you gain a perspective and help you move on.

The lesser contact you can have, the better. From what I read, your father simply cannot handle rejection or criticism of any kind. Pls minimize all contacts and dependency you can, with him. As long as you are even a little bit dependent on him, he will find ways to control you. I'm glad he didn't go any further in sexually abusing you. Abusers, when it comes to sexual abuse, will constantly test the boundaries on how far they can get away with it. He didn't stop touching you but probably because you constantly told him not to do it, he didn't go any further. Having said that, imo, emotional abuse is much more damaging than physical and sexual abuse. It completely robs you of your self-worth and self-esteem. Pls find a therapist, or read self-help books or maintain a journal or reach out to the people in this forum to help you become an emotionally stronger individual. Learning self-defense can also be helpful, even if you may never need it. Just the thought that your body can defend you when needed, is an empowering thought in itself.

You mentioned about your father and grandmother. How are your relations with your mother and brothers? Are you in touch with them? No one comes unscathed living in a dysfunctional abusive family. Your brothers and mother may have scary incidents of their own, locked inside them. If your mother and brothers can attend group therapy together, or atleast talk about how abusive your father was/is, it may be a great bonding factor. It may open up avenues of communication. From what you have written, your mother may have been too depressed to be an attentive/protective mother to you and your brothers. With your father out of the picture, maybe this can be a fresh start as a family by healing together.

I wish you all the best....and do reach out, whenever you feel like.
cluelessgal is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
peezytang
 
Thanks for this!
peezytang
peezytang
New Member
 
peezytang's Avatar
peezytang has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 5
3 yr Member
5 hugs
given
Default Dec 24, 2019 at 05:30 PM
  #7
At the moment, I'm unemployed, and depending on my test results which have yet to come back, I possibly have a benign tumor on my pituitary gland which has caused an almost 200 lb weight gain over 2 years. I'm so overweight that I can't stand for longer than 20 minutes at the most, which is what has kept me from keeping a job. I'm so thankful for your reply.. really <3 This forum has really made me feel like for once, I'm not crazy or hallucinating what people have done to me.. Thank you <3
peezytang is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
peezytang
New Member
 
peezytang's Avatar
peezytang has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 5
3 yr Member
5 hugs
given
Default Dec 24, 2019 at 05:34 PM
  #8
Like I stated in another comment, I'm unfortunately physically unable to get a job at the moment, but I am actually planning on moving from Texas to New York within the (hopefully) near future. I've had a best friend for almost 8 years now and a year ago I realized that I had fallen in love with him.. And it was as if everything (relationship/love wise) fell into place~ Thank you SO much for your comment. You all have no idea how much it means to me..
peezytang is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
peezytang
New Member
 
peezytang's Avatar
peezytang has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 5
3 yr Member
5 hugs
given
Default Dec 24, 2019 at 05:36 PM
  #9
Thank you SO much! ^w^ And that kitty is ADORABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
peezytang is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
peezytang
New Member
 
peezytang's Avatar
peezytang has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 5
3 yr Member
5 hugs
given
Default Dec 24, 2019 at 05:45 PM
  #10
You're right~ <3 And thank you so much, really. My mother lives about 3 hours away, and my younger brother recently moved in with my father, about 25 minutes away. Both of my brothers are VERY verbally abusive with me, and even when my parents are around during it, they "team-up" against me and it's just horrible.. I've been in therapy/psychotherapy for most of my life and it's never helped.. I always get "well maybe you just haven't met the right therapist" and that couldn't be more wrong. Replaying all of the horrors over and over again hasn't done me ANY good. ): My younger brother THINKS he has depression and etc., which he uses as some sort of clout to call me a C---. Yeah.. ANYWAY, long story short, my grandmother is the only direct family I have that doesn't talk to me like I'm crazy or some sort of monster... Thank you so much for your reply though <3 I took a short recording of last night, since my mom drove down and picked my brother and I up, and from that point, both mom and brother took out whatever anger they had out on me.. SO hopefully I can post it here and get a little feedback on what I could've said differently.
peezytang is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Buffy01
Wise Elder
 
Buffy01's Avatar
Buffy01 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 9,461 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
9,664 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 13, 2020 at 07:51 PM
  #11
Quote:
Originally Posted by peezytang View Post
So I want to say firstly, that I'm 21 years old, I live alone with my 74-year-old grandmother on my father's side (his mother). My father lives in the same town/area I live in with his ex-mistress/now wife. I have him blocked on every possible thing, including email, except he creates a new email every time I block and continues emailing.
ANYWAY. I'll try to make this as short as possible, but I thank any of you who read it all.

I grew up in a household with two brothers, one three years younger and one eight years older, and then my mom and sperm donor of a father.
My father was a police officer for about a decade, so he (thinks he) knows the way to worm his way around the law.
We lived in a three-bedroom house. My younger brother slept with my mom in her king-sized bed, my older brother Josh had his own small bedroom, and I slept in a twin bedroom in mine and Matthew's room, with my father...
Keep in mind, the sleeping arrangements lasted until I was almost thirteen years old.
Possible trigger:
So you can imagine how hard it was to hear my own father say something so evil.
I love my father. I have no hate for him, but I have hate for what he has done to me and said to me. I have very strong spiritual faith and I know that unforgiveness isn't the way to healing. Healing is! Becoming something better than my tormenter could ever be is the best revenge of all. And one day, the panic attacks, self-harm, and numerous meds with be gone. But for now, I need a 3rd party opinion. I have no friends, my fiancee lives across the country, and I have no family other than my grandmother...
Please help me process and think more clearly about all of this. Thank you so much if you read this far, and I'll respond and any replies!
Love and Bless you all
I'm sorry that happened to you. Is there any way that you could get evidence and file charge against him? Is there away you can report abuse from a police officer? Can you call adult social service on him?
Buffy01 is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 01:08 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.