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MtnTime2896
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Default Dec 09, 2019 at 11:42 AM
  #1
It's all I can do to let memories float through my mind with the same frequency as they come. Most of the time I fail. When they leak, they consume me and I am enveloped by the terror they caused. PTSD is the clinical diagnosis I speak of and I always wanted to call ******** on it.
The truth is, accepting is what's causing so many issues. I'd rather accept it was me and that I was bad and evil, that I deserved it and had it coming. I would rather accept myself as a monster than the monster you actually were. I always had a clue, but never the insight I do now. Awareness.... I hate being so aware of these things now. I hate knowing because it makes it hurt that much worse.

To her:
The reality of what you did isn't someone who could be yours forever. You created a life of even more struggle than average **** dishes out. You're a ****ing monster! I can't even ****ing sleep because of the things you did. The **** you caused. I payed your debt didn't I? I thought I did, so did I? Did I ****ing pay it enough?!

I ****ing hate you.

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Default Dec 09, 2019 at 12:34 PM
  #2
Quote:
Originally Posted by MtnTime2896 View Post
. . .
The truth is, accepting is what's causing so many issues. I'd rather accept it was me and that I was bad and evil, that I deserved it and had it coming. I would rather accept myself as a monster than the monster you actually were. I always had a clue, but never the insight I do now. Awareness.... I hate being so aware of these things now. I hate knowing because it makes it hurt that much worse.
. . .
I don't know if it will help much, but a long time before I was able to accept and "process" or deal with things internally I came across a couple of psychotherapy ideas, one called the "moral defense" and one called the "narcissistic defense". The idea is basically the same, seems to me. That some of us, when we were little, learned, or developed, a way of turning anger or aggression back toward ourselves rather than a parent because it was dangerous for the parent to see us angry, or because we needed/loved the parent, too, and so there was a conflict between the aggression and the want. Both intense and no way, in the little child's mind, to integrate then.

Once that pattern gets started, very far back in our history and not very amenable to consciousness, it goes on in relationships with other people. So, sadly, getting the anger turned outward may be a start -- but it's definitely not a good ending. I got to where I could flip/flop the anger -- NOT a good situation, either.

Unfortunately, I ended up in therapy a long, long time because of this, finally got in touch with some stuff but got very mad at my last therapist, and she terminated me because she couldn't deal with it. Great! A specialist in trauma and dissociation and she couldn't deal! I definitely got the anger turned around toward her! But that didn't help a lot. May have made things worse.

It's been 4 years now. I didn't trust any therapists, or therapy in general, after that, and it's been very tough but I'm doing some better now. The acceptance of me by other people on PsychCentral has helped, and also a support group I lucked into.

I'm also accepting that I loved people in my past AND that. . .I'm not sure what else to say. Really, really tough to deal with this stuff. The both/and. I can deal with both cognitively/intellectually but to the extent that I could do that and knew that was "right" and more realistic even, it may have made it all the harder to go through the both/ands in the reality of my emotions that I couldn't, or at any rate didn't, in childhood.

Is the "her" in your post at all reminiscent of anybody in your past? Or maybe the same person?
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Default Dec 12, 2019 at 10:35 AM
  #3
It's someone specific.

I'm glad you have made progress, however slow, and that acceptance here has done some good.

She's in my mind, always. I keep hearing her say my name. It makes me feel sick.

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Default Dec 20, 2019 at 08:15 PM
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