advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
MrsA
Member
MrsA has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2019
Location: Nevada
Posts: 308
3 yr Member
398 hugs
given
Default Dec 09, 2019 at 06:48 PM
  #1
Hi. I've posted a lot about the trouble I've been having with my adult sister and I only recently realized that she is imitating the behaviors of our mother, stepfather, and aunts. Even though she dismissed these people as narcissists, she repeats things they have done as if she doesn't know how to be anything other than what she has seen.

I only realized this after talking to someone about an incident where my sister encouraged an older man to disregard my right to say no. I have been thinking a lot about how wierd it is that much older men who know other members of my family often pursue me aggressively a become a bit like stalkers when they barely know me.

A few years ago, my aunt tried to force both me and my sister to have a relationship with a wealthy old man who had been obsessed with my dead mother. My aunt encouraged this man hound me every day and tried to arrange for him to adopt me even though I was an adult. This ended in a big fight where our aunt disowned us for defying her.

Right after it happened, my sister repeated my aunt's behavior by pushing me to accept an invitation from another obsessive old man and even accepted a gift on my behalf (which my aunt had also done). This turned into an uncomfortable situation where the old man thought we had an intimate relationship and kept trying to barge into my personal life and he got very offensive when I ignored his demands.

Right after that, a third man who knew my relatives came after me, but I recognized the signs and ignored him early in the process.

For years, I wondered why bad men always think I'm an easy target, and I realized that every older man (there were five in total) who pursued me innappropriately were introduced to me by other members of my family. I'm not attracting them, my family members are talking about me in a way that makes predatory men think about me a certain way.

I've also noticed that my sister imitates our stepfather in the way she yells at me, especially about money issues. Right after we locked out stepfather out of our house, she took over his behaviors as if the oldest person has the right to be controlling and abusive. A lot of her other bad behaviors are just repeating what older family members have done and she thinks she's different from them because she hates the peoole she imitates.

It's a weird conundrum. It's as if she doesn't know how to be anything else, but at the same time, she knows to hide the worst of her behavior from people outside the family, just like my mother and aunts always did. I don't know if this makes me less mad about things my sister has done or if she is less accountable.

I have made some progress since realizing my sister probably has multiple mental illnesses. I've managed to change things at home quite a lot. I am making a point that the things she has normalized (the daily tantrums and not picking up after herself) are not normal. I've also stopped letting my life be controlled by whether she will be angry because her anger is not justified. I am prioritizing getting my health back, because stress makes me sick, so I can be more productive and get out of debt.

So my life has gotten a bit better in the last few months. It's a little less dirty and there is a lot less screaming. It does help to talk to people on forums to see the picture more clearly. You can't force abusers to get help, but you can stop their mental illnesses from controlling you to a certain degree.
MrsA is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
bshaffer836, Buffy01, here today, Mendingmysoul, Open Eyes, unaluna
 
Thanks for this!
Buffy01, unaluna

advertisement
Buffy01
Wise Elder
 
Buffy01's Avatar
Buffy01 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 9,461 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
9,664 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 11, 2019 at 05:13 PM
  #2
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsA View Post
Hi. I've posted a lot about the trouble I've been having with my adult sister and I only recently realized that she is imitating the behaviors of our mother, stepfather, and aunts. Even though she dismissed these people as narcissists, she repeats things they have done as if she doesn't know how to be anything other than what she has seen.

I only realized this after talking to someone about an incident where my sister encouraged an older man to disregard my right to say no. I have been thinking a lot about how wierd it is that much older men who know other members of my family often pursue me aggressively a become a bit like stalkers when they barely know me. My two brothers and one of my sister act like our mother who was mentally and physically abusive.

A few years ago, my aunt tried to force both me and my sister to have a relationship with a wealthy old man who had been obsessed with my dead mother. My aunt encouraged this man hound me every day and tried to arrange for him to adopt me even though I was an adult. This ended in a big fight where our aunt disowned us for defying her.

Right after it happened, my sister repeated my aunt's behavior by pushing me to accept an invitation from another obsessive old man and even accepted a gift on my behalf (which my aunt had also done). This turned into an uncomfortable situation where the old man thought we had an intimate relationship and kept trying to barge into my personal life and he got very offensive when I ignored his demands.

Right after that, a third man who knew my relatives came after me, but I recognized the signs and ignored him early in the process.

For years, I wondered why bad men always think I'm an easy target, and I realized that every older man (there were five in total) who pursued me innappropriately were introduced to me by other members of my family. I'm not attracting them, my family members are talking about me in a way that makes predatory men think about me a certain way.

I've also noticed that my sister imitates our stepfather in the way she yells at me, especially about money issues. Right after we locked out stepfather out of our house, she took over his behaviors as if the oldest person has the right to be controlling and abusive. A lot of her other bad behaviors are just repeating what older family members have done and she thinks she's different from them because she hates the peoole she imitates.

It's a weird conundrum. It's as if she doesn't know how to be anything else, but at the same time, she knows to hide the worst of her behavior from people outside the family, just like my mother and aunts always did. I don't know if this makes me less mad about things my sister has done or if she is less accountable.

I have made some progress since realizing my sister probably has multiple mental illnesses. I've managed to change things at home quite a lot. I am making a point that the things she has normalized (the daily tantrums and not picking up after herself) are not normal. I've also stopped letting my life be controlled by whether she will be angry because her anger is not justified. I am prioritizing getting my health back, because stress makes me sick, so I can be more productive and get out of debt.

So my life has gotten a bit better in the last few months. It's a little less dirty and there is a lot less screaming. It does help to talk to people on forums to see the picture more clearly. You can't force abusers to get help, but you can stop their mental illnesses from controlling you to a certain degree.
I'm sorry that you are struggling right now. I can related because my three brother and one of my sister bring home people who are not healthy, obsessed and stalking type.

Last edited by Buffy01; Dec 11, 2019 at 05:15 PM.. Reason: Left something out
Buffy01 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
MrsA
MrsA
Member
MrsA has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2019
Location: Nevada
Posts: 308
3 yr Member
398 hugs
given
Default Dec 12, 2019 at 05:22 PM
  #3
Need to vent for a moment. My sister accosted me while I was using the toilet today. I'm angry and distracted.
MrsA is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
unaluna
Elder Harridan x-hankster
 
unaluna's Avatar
unaluna Female luna moth - Please, dont @mention me?Thanks!
 
Member Since: Jun 2011
Location: Milan/Michigan
Posts: 39,751 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
66k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 12, 2019 at 06:07 PM
  #4
You sound like youve gained a lot of insight and are applying it well ive experienced the same thing in my family - the elders lack boundaries and they project that lack of boundaries on you. Meanwhile you are in shock, wondering why they dont protect you from these creeps, instead they practically offer you up. Its horrible.
unaluna is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
MrsA
MrsA
Member
MrsA has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2019
Location: Nevada
Posts: 308
3 yr Member
398 hugs
given
Default Dec 12, 2019 at 10:42 PM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by unaluna View Post
You sound like youve gained a lot of insight and are applying it well ive experienced the same thing in my family - the elders lack boundaries and they project that lack of boundaries on you. Meanwhile you are in shock, wondering why they dont protect you from these creeps, instead they practically offer you up. Its horrible.
Yes, I only began to see it after decades of this crap. People in my family are so afraid of offending people they barely know that they will demand that I roll over to please everyone. My older sister doesnt have the brains to see that this is wrong and that there are other ways to interact.

And she finds new ways to violate my boindaries. I only figured out today that telling her that her behavior is offensive doesnt work because she has no empathy. To srop her doing horrible things like contaminating the cofee maker or barging in on my in the bathroom, I have to tell her very angrily to never do it again. I'm wandering again if she's a narcissist because of what happened today.
MrsA is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
unaluna
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 04:51 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.