repeating patterns of emotional abuse

My family is emotional abusive although I love them. They call me names and never praise me. I'm never good enough to them. They never listen to my concerns or problems. I just co-exist with them. I try to help them though with chores and be helpful in other ways. I came to the conclusion I'm responsible for my behavior no matter how bad my upbringing. The problem is that I'm attracted to abusive people now- abusive men. I tried to have healthy relationships with people but get bored easily with them. I seem to be attracted to men who are controlling and domineering. I am trying to break this pattern of abuse but seem to be drawn into it again and again. I see it happening again and again but want it to stop. I know why I am allowing myself to be abused because I was brought up in such an abusive family. I want to stop myself from being attracted to abusive men. How do others stop themselves before it is too late? I was physically abused by my father as a child too. I just thought it was normal while growing up to be hit by my father. He no longer does this because he is old, of course. I also am being abused by my brother who calls me names and puts me down all of the time and my parents say nothing to stop it. He is also mentally abusive and shouts and threatens bodily harm when he does not get his way. So, I'm used to this abusive environment. Now, my abusive past is catching up with me when I really fall for abusive men. I want to stop myself but don't know how to do so before it is too late. Please help!

I'm sorry that you are struggling right now. My parents and my brother and now one of my sister is the same way. Have found a therapist? Someone who specializes in trauma? Lisa A Romano has a YouTube channel for toxic family member, naraccist abuse, mediation. Have you thought about self help books for trauma?

Hey bpforever1,

I struggle with the same thing. But what kind of human being would I be if I don't give advice and be a hypocrite.

I am sorry you grew up in an abusive dysfunctional family. If you ask me, emotional abuse is worse than physical and sexual abuse. Atleast with physical and sexual abuse, somewhere, atleast a tiny corner of you knows that it's wrong. But as a child, you believe 100% of emotional abuse that something is fundamentally wrong with you. Emotional abuse robs you of your self-worth.

Growing up, I listened to a lot of crap. Many of them are etched in heart like a dagger through a muscle that continues to cause injury. When I discussed this as an adult with my family....they had no memory of the incident. I remembered during the worst phase of abuse in my family, I had turned abusive towards a young boy in my neighborhood. I said "jokes" aimed at insulting him. The thing is, I felt nothing towards that boy. I don't even remember how I insulted him. He didn't deserve any of my abuse, but I was angry and he was a target where I could dissipate my anger. Your family did the same and your brother continues to do it even now, where it has become a habit. You were the scapegoat of the family. So please understand that whenever your family and your brother calls you names, they are dissipating their anger and their words have no meaning. You cannot see any reflection in boiling water. Next time anyone calls you names, pls be direct and tell them that you are hurt by those words. I said exactly that to my family and slowly, they stopped. Initially, it did feel like providing ammunition to the enemy party from your own barracks....but they did change their attitude slowly. Slowly, with greater communication, I also had better control over my anxiety. Try it....if it doesn't work out for you, limit your communication with your family. Expecting affection from your family, in that case, would be like expecting the blind to see.


Growing up, there were many incidents which I totally forgot happened. You may have also forgotten many incidents from your life.....what your body doesn't forget is how it made you feel. When a child is exposed to abuse, when they are not capable of understanding complex behaviors and how adults cannot be wrong, children internalize and see something wrong with themselves. It gets etched in the brain, pretty badly. Neurons get wired together making it your default setting.

When as an adult, we look for a life partner, we subconsciously pick familiarity. You perhaps know all this already. We have 2 parts in brain that tries to make sense of the world around us. One, the higher brain that's more capable of making sense of the complex world. Second, one that relies on the feedback it gets from your body, it relies on experiential memory. To understand this, just think you are walking in a park. You see a bench with the sign - "Don't Sit. Wet Paint". You tell yourself don't sit on the bench because the paint is wet, it will ruin your dress, perhaps your skin and you'll have a hell time getting cleaning it. That's the way your higher brain processes it. Now imagine you sit on it. The paint ruins your dress, sticks to your skin on hands and legs. You have a tough time getting home with all that paint. That paint doesn't come off easy and you have a tough time scrubbing all your clothes, your skin stinks of paint. You tell yourself to "never sit on wet paint". That's your lower brain, that's processing what to do and what not to do, based on experience.

Growing amidst abuse, our brain constantly keeps telling us what's happening is not right. But our higher brain learns to ignore this signal because it's our best chance of our survival. Over time, we learn to completely ignore this signals from brain. We never learn to be disgusted with abusive behavior, we learn to ignore it, especially since, even if there was abuse, there were days that were fond with love and laughter. Even if our higher brain knows that abusive partners are bad for us, the lower brain sees familiarity and has learned to ignore abusive behavior. The lower brain cannot be "talked into" with words/logic. Its communication system is completely different and more visceral. Learn to meditate and practice body feedback. Just for 5 minutes, just sit back, focus on your breathing.....I bet there will be tonnes of meditation guides. By doing this, your body will become self-aware, in a much more visceral way. Also, it will be great to maintain a journal. Write about all the incidents that hurt you. Writing and reading works in a mechanism that helps your lower brain process it - give a language to what you endured. Don't just stop there - rewrite a scenario where it was dealt healthily. Slowly, it will change your behavior and outlook. Unless you change the way your lower brain "thinks" about love, about your self-worth, your position in society, about what you deserve.....nothing will change. And you cannot change the way your lower brain "thinks" by simply reading articles or motivational words.

Don't ignore the abuse you faced - acknowledge it, be angered and disgusted by the way you were treated and then make your peace with it.

And finally, I can understand that meeting the "right" person seems boring and the wrong person seems attractive. Maybe you can try being more mindful of your relationships. Maybe you can create a questionnaire on what you like about it, what you don't like about their behavior. A questionnaire may force you to reflect and help you acknowledge and hence remember. It will help you create a perspective instead of being reactive. Slowly and subconsciously you'd get better and maintaining relationships with the right person. It's like a video game - you get better at it slowly. Maybe you should even consider starting a relationship like a platonic friendship....getting to know the person before you start a relationship. Or maybe first try finding common ground....things you enjoy to do....so that you always have something fun to do if it starts get boring.

Please take whatever I have typed with a pinch of salt. I am reproducing what I have understood from reading books and my own understanding. Pls consult a therapist for sound advice. Good luck!